Ungrateful family

I would recommend ecploring to Codependents Anonymous to help you take your power back and also read a seminal book on human relationships called ‘The Games People Play’ which shows the part you play in the dynamic and how to get out of it. Good luck.

Perhaps you should do just that! Leave them a note saying that you feel downtrodden and under appreciated and that you’ve gone away for 2 nights and will back on Monday (or whatever)
And go to a friend or buy some books and go to a nice air b&b, it could even be local. Just go and let them miss you.

Sounds as though you each have your own stresses and are taking it out on one another. I think you are getting the worst of it because they know they can make use of you and you put up with them.
I had problems with family staying and taking advantage of me last month. Finally DD said 'I think we'd better go as we're obviously causing you stress.' I replied, 'Yes, that sounds like a good idea' and after that they stayed, all calmed down and everyone tried to help out.

I would book myself a few days/week away somewhere sunny to gather my thoughts and rest. No contact with family other than to say things have to change when/if I come back and leave them to stew for a bit. Spend your money on you not your selfish AC. Its nice to help out but to be causing yourself financial hardship and be criticised when looking after people is too much. Ive started to think, how would my lot manage without me and my money when I die, and I come up with that they'd have to so they can damn well do it while I'm alive. Im getting divorced, at at the moment daddy is favourite because he has all the money. Lets see what happens when we sell the house and hes had to hand some of it to me, or they feel ill and want a bit of mum care or want baby/petsitting, I'll be the one they come to for practical help. Well kids sorry but I'll probably be sat on a terrace in Tuscany or playing the slots in Vegas, things I've always wanted to do but put family first. Live the rest of your life for you, your AC and OH will have to grow up.

How long are they all staying? I assume the ones with the baby are just there for a short time while the one with the dog has moved in.

Hioefullybthe one who has mkved in is contributing to costs - and if not then that needs to be rectified. Maybe they could oay for a dog walker or to take the dog to doggy day care if they are out at work. Again tell the one who is living there to step up with doing some chores or contribute funds for a cleaner - I assume they are working, if not then they have time to look after their own dog and do chores!!

If you can try to speak to them before you angrily blurt out something like I did when my daughter was here. I didn't have anywhere to sit of a night when I came home from work and other things happened.
It's weird everyone is in their own bubble and when grown children come back with their babies they are totally consumed and nobody else seems to exist. They forget they are in some one else's home and just think of it as the home they grew up in and therefore they do as much or as little as they used to do when they lived at home and you end up with the stress of doing everything, hearing them moan and the stress of wanting everyone to be happy, in fact you are soaking up all stresses while they seem oblivious.

I'd give both sets of ACs a list of properties to rent and give them a month to find one suitable.

You sound as though you have my life....or I have yours, one way or another! Sounds as though you may support XR too.....!
Keep smiling is my advice. It’ll all blow over and normal life will soon resume ?

I think you have brought them up to think that if all else fails, even if all else is very trivial, they can always rely on mum to pick up the pieces. Which is something we all do, but we should only do it in extremis.

Once children know that you will bail them out, they will keep expecting you to. We were quite hard on our children when they were setting out on life. Any loans had to be accompanied by fail safe repayment plans and we would always help them sort problems, but leave them to implement the solutions. Now they are in their 40's we can be generous, because they both stand on their own feet instinctively and solve their own problems.

So, pull the rug out. Insist daughter looks after the dog or gives it to rescue shelter and cut the apron strings to other daughter. No more financial bale-outs and send them home and welcome them back for Christmas week. While they are with you allocate each two days of the week when they can do the food shopping and cooking. Also charge then for their keep.

Generally the less you do or give AC, the more they appreciate the help and are grateful for it when you do help them.

If you get upset and emotional when trying to talk about it, just write down how you feel. Let them read and digest your note. Somehow, things are taken more seriously in written form. Refuse to be the family doormat now - and give them reasonable notice to make other arrangements.

But think carefully, are your concerns really about their behaviour, or is it that there are just too many people under in too small a house and you're feeling under siege? It would be a shame to start up some sort of argument when really all you needed to do was get some of them out of the house. It was probably a mistake to have your other daughter and family to stay - at least for more than one or two nights - at the same time another one had actually moved in. AND for some reason you've decided to host extra people for a dinner party. Your problem may be that you've stretched yourself too far, and if you had not, then you might be finding their behaviour feels more normal.

Sadly people will only take advantage of you if you let them - and that goes for family too. Take the dog for a nice long walk and let them get on with it and if they’ve left all the dishes - you leave them too! Someone else will have to do them when there are no clean ones left.

Although you are feeling unappreciated it is important to remember that your family have come because you are a safe haven. So they know you will help them. Lots of people crowded together does cause problems and arguments. I would say take a deep breath and consider the long view rather than a quick fix (but do get some rest). My DD, husband and toddler moved in for a couple of months between houses and stayed 9 months. My husband especially who worked from home got tired and exhausted. I told my DD that the time had come to seriously look for somewhere else. She understood (they were just too comfortable) and they found a nice place to rent. No resentment on either side. Just be honest that you are so tired and try to put negative feelings aside. You really want to try and preserve relationships for the long term. Best wishes.

Selfish 'spongers' I think and the poor dog is just another victim of their selfishness. Tell them to 'make their own lives and mistakes', you have your own life to live!

I once read a good saying: GRANDCHILDREN- God's reward for not killing your kids!
I hope things are calming down a bit now but the next time ANYONE criticises the way you are doing anything I would definitely hand the job over to them!

Xrgran ; of course you need to vent on here, in fact I am not surprised you are not doing anything else perhaps like packing a few bags for the adult children and telling them to go and stand on their own two feet and let you and husband have your home back.
How long do they all intend staying? I ask because I have been through the same and my son and his partner would never have left until they were given a deadline by myself, I could never get into the bathroom in mornings loud music coming from their bedroom, and while I kept everything tidy and cooked all they had to do was a bit of part-time work then off to the gym and out on Friday evening. The things that bugged me were when they would come in on Saturday afternoon with a take-away and offered me nothing and my son moaning when the dog barked at the door at post-man etc; and said she made too much noise he wanted a lie in. All this and at the same time I had to run around after adult daughter who constantly whinged she could not cope with her two children.
I made a stand against it and they moved out oh what bliss to have a quiet home well that is when the dog stops barking at postman/postlady haha.
Seriously you need a break or else you will suffer bad health and do you know something you will not see adult children there to take care of you. Look after yourself hope things get easier.

Thank you Xgran for starting this thread and for all you other GNers for your energetic input! I’m in a not dissimilar situation where I’m being taken for granted, pushed to the limit and treated rudely and disrespectfully. The other three Grandparents of course are feted and have quality family time. The final straw is being left on my own on Christmas Day whilst the other Grandparents have everyone (even my single son!) It’s a big ‘ouch’ but definitely a turning point. I’ve flagged up that I am not happy with the situation, but nothing has changed. Time to stop being a doormat and possibly move away as, although it’s not what I was hoping for, it’s probably going to be the best solution if I’m to keep any shred of self respect. I think we will all lose out, but behaviours have to have consequences and, as Monica points out, I’ve probably been far too patient.

Don't take this as anything but well meant, but you will only ever be treated as you will let others treat you!

I made sure from day dot with my family, that they knew I had had a rough start to life until I hit my twenties, I was everyones doormat, I was miserable, put-upon, felt unloved and unworthy as family just saw me as someone to dump on, so, I told them (smiling and with lots of cuddles!) that for the rest of my life I would dedicate myself to making them happy and loved, but only if they promised to do the same with me! :-)

Happily, they understand that if people treat me well, help me out, love me lots & don't expect me to do everything and are grateful then they get sweet lovely Mags, however, anyone takes the mickey, or shows one inch of being ungrateful for the things I do, then it stops. No ifs, no buts, we are a family, we work together or I'm on strike!

I hope you have the strength to fight back a bit and enjoy your grandchildren, you'd be lost without them. x

DON'T keep acting as the house slave. Make yourself less available. There are FIVE adults in your house, make sure they all participate in food preparation, i.e. you do the spuds, the sprouts, tidy away etc. and do NOT let mum of the baby use the baby as an excuse for anything. Then close your purse and stop subsidising them, allowing them to live above their means. Teach them all how to manage on less, instead. Even my son with severe learning difficulties can help me in the kitchen, so I don't see why your lot can't do more!

Can you afford a bottle of gin? It wasn't called mother's little helper for nothing.

Perhaps you should do just that! Leave them a note saying that you feel downtrodden and under appreciated and that you’ve gone away for 2 nights and will back on Monday (or whatever)

Don’t do this. It’s so passive aggressive.

You need to use your words and tell your family what’s bothering you. Take a time out if you need one, but talk to them first

To be clear is to be kind.

You haven’t given enough information here for anyone to properly answer you.

How long are they all staying?
Why do you need to bail them out financially?
Do they all work and if not why not?
Why isn’t your partner supportive?

Whatever the answers, it’s time to issue an ultimatum by giving them a couple of months to find alternative accommodation.

You must stick to it though, however hard that is.

Think you should state that whilst you are willing to help out you are not going to be serving them hand and foot. The infiltrators need to sort out a schedule that suits all and enables you and DP to continue your life as near as possible. It's a known problem, parents continue to think AC are still their responsibility when responsibility lies with the AC. Firm but fair.

Leave your iPad open at this page....and make sure they all see it!

Two words: Rota and Budget!

Sit them down in a 'marvellous, let's get ourselves organised"' way, and have a list of tasks and costs, with a weekly chart. Make sure that each is taking on a fair amount, that it doesn't all fall to you. If they start trying to evade their share, point out that you do not have unlimited time or energy, nor can you afford it. Play the 'old lady' card if necessary.

They probably have no idea how hard you're working or how much you're giving - people rarely do. This will quantify it for them in a pretty inescapable way.