Need advice from grannies re my mother

I imagine your mum is in the honeymoon period with this chap and maybe not realised how much time has elapsed whilst also very happy to have found something for herself. Keep the doors open for her and the lines of communication. Why not ask her to visit/dinner/outing but some time in the future so that she has space to fit it in, as it were. She may feel like she was too dependent on spending time with you and yours and you might not like it or that it might not be good for her.
Hope it all works out well

Can you all just not meet up for an afternoon/day? Does your DM have to have an overnight? If you could start slowly then perhaps your DM will realise what has happened re losing contact. Such a difficult situation, you have lost your Dad and now must feel the same is happening with your DM. Does your DMs new partner perhaps not have an interest in family/children and perhaps doesn't realise what is happening? Speak with your Mum highlighting how your son asks about her. I know this would get me round to your door!

I agree with you asking her over and I would invite the boyfriend as well. Then you will be able to see what the relationship is like. I do wonder though is there a chance that the driving force behind your son staying over was not in fact your mother but your father? Sometimes grandads are much more enthusiastic about GCs because they missed their own children's childhood. It would explain why your mum now feels less need to see him.

Speak to your mother one to one . Explain to her how you feel and tell her your not trying to guilt trip her . Tell her this coming from love and it only because you and your son care for her . Unless you tell her , she doesn't know how you feel .

Does she know that he is asking when he can go to see her ? I'd send her a little video of him saying hello and asking if he can come to see her soon. I live 300 miles from my grandchildren and I often get little videos or video calls from my daughter because the 3 yr old wants to tell me something or show me what she's made or baked, or just because she is driving her mum mad by picking up her phone and asking to talk to me. It makes my day.

I would tell her that your grandson is asking when he will see her again. I had a similar situation when I met a new man 8years ago. I was an still am very close to my grandchildren and had them every other weekend. I was working full time so the weekend suited. Although I was enraptured in my new man I never stopped seeing my grandchildren. Not only did I want very much to still see them they would have been very hurt and unable to understand why I didn't see them anymore. They were in my life before my new man and we had established a very strong bond. New man didn't have any grandchildren but totally understood that they were always going to be part of my life. We are still together and the grandchildren accept him as part of the family now. Please contact your mum for a chat and just pop in to the conversation that her grandson is missing her.

I am a nana to a three-year-old granddaughter and a one-year-old grandson. I spent a lot of time with my granddaughter from when she was born, even looking after her while my daughter and son-in-law took trips away. I saw her every day. Due to my son-in-law’s job, there was always the possibility they would move to different areas of the country every couple of years. My daughter had led me to believe that if the next move was a big one, I would be moving with them. My son-in-law then moved to a city more than 6 hours’ drive away. I spoke to my boss (I work part-time), and he even found me the same job in the “new” city. I was so excited; my daughter had even said they’d look for a house big enough for all of us, even my two cats! However, it soon became obvious that when faced with the prospect, my daughter didn’t want me to move with them. It was the biggest disappointment of my life! I was (and am) heartbroken. The worst part was not being able to see my grandchildren (especially my granddaughter; we had built such a strong bond. My grandson was only four months old when they moved, so I hadn’t spent as much time with him, though I love him all the same). I cannot understand grandparents who don’t seem to want to spend time with their grandchildren. I travel to see them once a month (at my expense and at the risk of losing my job because of the days I take off to visit). My daughter is always happy to see me, and my granddaughter adores me. I can stay for as long as I wish, but of course I have to get home for work.
You should tell your mum that you and your son are missing her. I FaceTime my daughter and grandchildren every day. It’s not the same, but it’s something, and it does help to ensure that my grandchildren don’t forget me. My daughter calls me constantly, so it’s not as if we’ve had words. Sometimes you have to smile and put on a happy face, even if you feel like crying/screaming/ throwing punches. Keep it sweet and smiley. But let her know you want her in your son’s life. Family issues have a habit of escalating.

I wouldn't make it a chore. How about all of you get together and have an exciting day together? Plan something fun.

I too have been in this situation. My Father took up with a new lady he met within a few months of the death of my mother and was suddenly unavailable to us. He spent days at a time with her at her home and was always out. We had been used to seeing hims several evenings a week, for Sunday lunch and he always collected our son from school at least one day and took him home for tea at his house, very close to us.
It took a few months before this all calmed down and life went back to relatively normal, we invited her to join the sunday lunches, they met DS from school together and gradually became a couple with us, to the extent that we even all went on holiday together!!
Dont give up on your mother, the comments are right, the first flush will fade, the excitement of the new relationship will wear off. It really helps that youlike the partner she has chosen, get him onside, invite them to stay for a weekend if you feel you can.

Truddles, I'm absolutely sure that my kids and grandkids would not like being Facetimed every day! If I haven't heard from them for a few weeks, then I'll phone or email.

I have met the boyfriend a few times and he seems decent and I would be comfortable with him being around my son.

Please never stop being vigilant. A fortnight ago I would have never have said this but I have just discovered someone I would have trusted with my life (and my children) has been abusing one of his grandchildren. If you knew him, you would never have believed it.

If it were my mother, I would tell her that her Grandchild was missing her with the sudden change and ask her if there was a way she could redress the balance in a way that fitted in with her life. You don't need to criticise her or put pressure on her, just enlighten her of your child's needs and let her deal with it in her own way.

MOnica. Yet again my very first thoughts have been written by you! My husband died 29 years ago. About 7 years after he died I started seeing a man with whom I went out to concerts and for travels into the beautiful countryside near us. He declared his love for me but I was more "good friends". However, it was not long before he began to become very demanding of my time and was completely disregarding of my youngest daughter who was still at home with me aged 13. When I said I would not see him in a weekday evening because I was cooking for her and me and wanted to be with her, he would turn up and behave as though we had planned to go out anyway. I had no experience of a person like this before and had not heard of people like this.
I soon realised that he was not normal but I believed his stories about his sad divorce and hard life etc for about 4 to 5 years by which time I was utterly frustrated and shocked by the way he behaved and knew he told monstrous lies. He was a narcissist. Utterly selfish, a user, wanted my brains to do his work, my money to pay for his holidays and other things and me to make him look good as though he had a girlfriend. He soon treated me so badly I can't describe what it was like and he was impossible to get rid of as he turned up all the time.

Elek I am so sorry about the loss of your Dear Father.

Regarding your mother:
There is a chance that the new man is responsible for inveigling your mother away and at this early stage he has captivated her so she is entirely under his thrall. If you try to say perhaps he's doing too much too soon, which is a big red flag in the way narcissists gain their partners, she will fight against you and be more attached to him.

I honestly am not happy about this man. He has taken her life over too much too soon after the death of your Dear Father. When one's Husband dies, the Widow is often left with the house, and often a widow's pension plus maybe some life insurance from the late husband. There are men who know this. They may seem to be comfortably off, living in good circumstances. However as time passes, the truth comes out that they have debts and are desperate for money.
I am painting the bad side because the natural reaction of decent people who have not learned the hard way is to say, let your mother enjoy her life. But I know, through experience and further, through studying this phenomenon in my professional capacity as a Psychologist (now retired) that a relationship like your mother's should be looked at with great concern. He is cutting her off from her friends and family. That is another major big red flag. It looks as if he "love bombed" her at the start - red flag again. He does not appear to have wanted to get to know her family, her friends, her life in her own home, her routine -red flag. He is not taking it gently and caring for her needs, he is sweeping her off her feet and away from all she knows - red flag and big danger sign. It is significant that she has gone to him, 3 hours away, not he to her. It is significant that he has made her give up her link with her grandson, which most of us would love to have and she must miss a lot!
I said you can do nothing at this early stage. She will be besotted with him and any attempt to help her see him more objectively will drive her more into his arms at this stage. There could come a stage when she needs you and won't feel she can ask for help. She might feel too embarrassed to do so. You need to be, as we always say, there for her. Right now just let her know you love her, miss her and her grandson really wants to see her. Don't argue, just stay calm. Keep in touch whatever happens. Watch out for danger signs like her selling her house and moving in with him. Big shifts of her finances into his control are very serious. If that seems likely, please try to talk her out of it. She does not know this man. None of us do. Never trust someone you do not know. Try to find out more about him, his past, especially past relationships from people who do know him if you can - his family, work colleagues or neighbours. But people like him do keep such people at a distance and always behave as 'that nice man" in public so this might not be worth it so beware of people saying how nice he is. Look out for divorces, many jobs, not many really close friends and does he have money of his own?

I always explain this terrible side of matters in case it should be true. I hope this man is a good man. But I am seriously doubting him. I think he is selfish, he has not bothered to think of your mother's needs or of her life or her love for her family. He has almost captured her. People say that being with a Narcissist is like being held hostage. (google it) At first they promise the earth and flood you with love and roses, then once they have captured you and have control over all your life and have cut you off from friends and family, the torture begins and you can't get away. It happened to me twice. Almost three times. They prey on a particular type, people who are empathic. They test the people first to check this is so. Now I have learned about them and I see many signs in this man with whom your mother has become involved. Just from your short description. In case someone thinks it is not enough, we used to use such cameos for looking into cases in the very famous leading Psychiatric Hospital where I worked.
That your mother drives 3 hours to him and he does not accommodate her life and the people who matter to her, shows he is selfish. That he makes her give up her relationships with her family so early on in his relationship with him is the sign of a very calculating and selfish man.

I wish you every bit of luck and sincerely hope I am wrong. sending lots of love to you and your son and his dad. ?

Oh,Hetty58,as soon as I re-read that post of mine, I knew someone would pick me upon it! What I meant was I FaceTime with my daughter and grandchildren every day. I don’t initiate any calls or FaceTime. My daughter calls or FaceTimes me at least two or three times a day. Sometimes more. I would never dream of making a nuisance of myself because a) I am very busy in my own life and b) I have a brain in my head. Sorry for the confusion!

That's a terrible shame, and I'm surprised she doesn't realise that she, herself, is missing out. Grandchildren aren't small and keen to see us forever - I only get to see mine every few months because of distance, and there's nothing that warms my heart more than a delighted cry of 'GWANNY!' when they do see me! (Though they are keener on the cat!)

I think that when a very long relationship ends, some people do react by throwing themselves into new things, and perhaps taking family and old friends for granted. I have a friend who did this, and to be honest I think it has affected our relationship permanently. But it's different with family - you can't give up on them because they're not being considerate.

Can you take up the suggestion of Facetime/Skype calls between your son and his gran? It does keep the relationship alive.

This is quite sad her grandson asks when he can visit as obviously been very used to staying over, that in itself tugs at my heartstrings, I’m presuming your mum is enjoying herself with her new man, it’s a difficult one as she has every right to enjoy herself, I can see both sides, I think if it was me I’d invite them both over and take it from there

I understand your disappointment.

Your family's social structure appears to be changing. All you can do is concede your mother's right to be her own woman.

She has done well putting in the ground- work with your small son.

As your son is 3 you can explain to him that Granny is not living close by for a while.
Family relationship dynamics are different from family to family.

It does seem your mother was ready for a new relationship very quickly but maybe that was right for her.

In time she'll come down from cloud nine - dont we all ?. I'd only worry if you could sense something wrong over time.

I'd keep in contact but as you've said, no guilt tripping.

I love my family and we are always there for each other but will never understand people (very often grands) who feel entitled to so much from their AC'S in relation to GC's.

Just ask her to visit, or suggest visiting her instead.

Maybe invite for an informal meal at weekend or whenever suits.

You call this man ‘her boyfriend’. How old is he? I would be suspicious if he were a lot younger than her - he could be interested I her financially. Sorry to be cynical but there are these men who prey on elderly women who are recently bereaved.

It sounds to me as if you are close to her mother and you have obviously accepted her boyfriend.

Ring your mum and tell her that the little one has been asking when he can see her as he misses her. Suggest that as having him for a whole day and night probably doesn't suit right now, you would like to invite them both to come on Saturday or Sunday and spend the afternoon, or the whole day.

That way you can perhaps gradually get your son and his grandmother used to seeing each other in a different way.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I can understand you didnt wish was alone after the passing of your dad.
I think its the new boyfriend influencing your mum.
My view is family first before anyone does she know her grandson misses her. She is missing out.
If the new man carnt cope one day and night without seing her sounds controlling in my opinion. As a daughter i would be worried sorry. Hope it gets resolved in your sons favour

Keep in mind she may be waiting for you to ask her and is feeling the same way that you are. If each is waiting for the other to make the first move then you will both be disappointed and hurt unnecessarily.

My advice is to call her and tell her that you and your son miss her and would love to arrange a time to get together. I can't see how that could cause guilt. And if she does feel guilty that's her choice - you can't make someone feel guilty.

I had some very good advice from a friend who said it was not a good idea to get involved in a new relationship as I was vulnerable after my husband died. I think your mum has let this man into her life too soon. Emotions are all over the place after the death of someone you love and it is natural to look for someone to fill the gap.
This man may not be taking advantage of your mum, but it sounds as though he might be.
Get in touch with her and ask to meet her new friend. Tell her that you and her grandchild miss her. You may be able to assess if there is anything to be worried about when you meet them

AGAA4. I am glad you have such a good friend and so sorry to hear you lost your husband.

I would just like to humbly say that I could not agree more with those who have said that this relationship has taken off very soon after the death of her husband and that the intensity of it, with her not being available just one day and night a week for her family whom she needs very much at this time, is quite worrying. If this man genuinely cares about her, he would not want to take her away from her family. Neither would he be so demanding so soon after she has been widowed. Added to which, a decent person would not want to take a mother away from her daughter after the daughter has lost her father, or away from a grandchild at that time.

I would be wary of a relationship that starts very soon after a person has been bereaved or divorced, unless it was already ongoing. Obviously there are those which work out well, one of my friends is an example of meeting a man not long after her divorce which was a very distressing one. Her relationship is very good and lasting with this man. But he was especially understanding about her emotions at the early stages.

I think that Elek has a lot to cope with here. She has lost her father, she is worried about her mother and she works full time and is a mother needing care for her little son who now misses his Granny.

I do hope all this comes out well, Elek. I would feel awful if I had not explained the worries I have, but if you are aware of these possibilities, you can be in the background and be ready to support your Mother and perhaps be there to prevent any long-term damage should it look that way. Do try to gently keep her in the folds of your family, in touch with you as well as her grandson. She may not be aware of it, but she needs you very much. You might appeal to her by saying you miss her. Also, please listen to icanhandthemback. As she says, the most kind and trustworthy seeming person sometimes is found to be quite the opposite. We should always be wary about people we do not know. This man has a lot of influence over your mother, so I would not agree to his being there with her to babysit. Sorry. Just say your son needs Granny to himself. It does not make it easier for you I know. Good luck. You are all in my prayers. Much love, Elle ??