Keeping a lid on it

agnurse
how he parents his child is not your business

It very much is the OP's business as she seems to have taken over most of the parental duties.
Neither the father nor the mother seem to have much input into the parenting of this child because, from what FizzyFlorence says, she is doing most of the caring.

It takes patience and time to form a blended family and neither son nor girlfriend seem to be making much effort to achieve that.

I would be having a word too but always being mindful that you seem to be the one stable thing in this little girl's life.

Why is your DS allowing his GF to push his own daughter out?
That sounds so hurtful.

The new Dil will clearly carry on taking and taking. She will not stop until you stop her.
As other posters have said you must make a clear boundary . They can pay extra rent or move out.
They can take DGC over to their side and DIl can stop coming to your side without permission.

Also you need an income and you tell them that is why they must pay more rent or leave so you can rent out the space for a decent amount of money.

You must stand up for yourself Dil is never going to do the decent thing and sadly your DS is going along with her.

I feel concerned for the DGD...is she ok?

Dil sounds a real PAIN what are her children like? Are they getting along with your DGD?

@pinkquartz
@pinkquartz

My DG is ok thank you. My DH and I are still her constant. She is settled in school and doing very well.

My son's previous relationship was abusive and terrible. The fact that DG's mother walked out three years ago and has only seen DG once in all of that time speaks volumes as to her character. I think my DS is so happy to have found a loving relationship that he is trying to ignore the challenges that a blended family can bring.

My Dil's children are young teenagers and ok. They mostly ignore DG due to the age difference.

I spoke to my son again yesterday about respecting boundaries and it was a good discussion; however, Dil and her daughter still came over to our side to put DG to bed without any warning or consent to do so.

I have told my DS that if things don't improve, they will have to find alternative accommodation even if it means my DG moving school and losing her friends (they will move to Dil's preferred area away from where we currently live). I hate to do it and DG is our world but DH and I deserve a life too.

Good fences make good neighbours. Can you put a lockable door between your two sides?

Although a well intentioned living space set up initially, the dynamics have changed here and not in your little granddaughter’s favour.

I think it’s time to evaluate everyone’s needs. Have a pleasant pow wow of the adults in the situation (invite them over to chat after granddaughter is in bed perhaps) and sort this toxic situation out. It seems to benefit no one really.

Good luck!

I know you can't do this now and hindsight us a wonderful thing, but when the girlfriend's family moved in it would have been best for your little granddaughter to stay in her own room and the teenagers squash up (as they no doubt would have done had they lived in a two bedroomed home with their mother).

Do they have a study, dining room or other space that could be converted to accommodate, if not your granddaughter, maybe a teenager? Or can the teens move into the presumeably larger master bedroom to facilitate the integration of your son's daughter?

Really it's such a pity that your son doesn't understand the separate-ness of his little one in the creation of his new family unit.

Everything you have done seems to come from a good place but now some rowing-back is necessary if this new family is to survive. Good luck.

It sounds like people are awfully judgmental on this site. I’m sorry if people are being hard on you. I’m like you, I’d do almost anything fir my kids and grand kids. You shouldn’t have to walk in egg shells! ( I know the feeling well) I think they are taking advantage because they know how close you are to your grand daughter. It’s so sad your son doesn’t see what’s happening to your granddaughter in all this. It’s your home and you can insist he include your granddaughter. I also would raise the rent if there are 3 more people in the space they rent. Be firm with this woman... don’t let her make the rules or bully you. Be confident with her. She thinks she can boss you and she can’t. Don’t let her.

I don't think anyone has raised the questions about your son's partner's previous situation regarding where she lived and the previous partner. Is she divorced or did she have a long term partner - seeing she has 2 teenagers? Didn't she have any settlement with previous partner in her favour - such as getting the family house and perpetual maintenance payments especially for the children until they are 18?

Hi OP.

I am glad that your DGD is doing well despite all the changes in her life.

It sounds from your reply that you are already beginning to stand up for yourself which is great.
Though the Dil is going to have to listen to you about entering your part of the house, she is stubborn.
I hope you can persevere now you have spoken to DS and let us know here how the situation is developing.

I think you have been right to make it clear that they will have to leave if things do not change.

You are completely right to think of yourself. And you sound very loving of DGD which she will know. So that is one good thing and you have given the entire family a chance to sort themselves out in the safety of your home.
Now they have to think of your needs as well. In at least respecting your space.

2littlestars The posts on this thread have exactly the same response as you - that the original poster needs to make sure that her son and his new girl-friend don't take advantage of her love for her granddaughter. That is not "awfully judgmental", just sensible - and she did ask for advice, as she didn't know what to do.

If I've understood, the DiL and her daughter come to your side of the house to put your GD to bed. Can you not give them permission to do that even if it is irksome to you, for the child's sake? I haven't got the impression they're just wandering over to your side willy-nilly. If that were the case you'd need to put a lockable door between the two sections of the house, as someone else has already suggested. I might be a bit confused.

But anyway, I agree with those who think it's time you gave your son the Order of the Boot.

however, Dil and her daughter still came over to our side to put DG to bed without any warning or consent to do so.
Perhaps just a quick knock on the dividing door to warn you that they are there would be enough?

However, that does put a different light on the relationship as it sounds as if your son's girlfriend (not DIL yet?) and her teenage daughter are trying to form a relationship with your son's child which is a good thing and something to be encouraged.