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Grandparenting

Paternal grandmother decided she wants grand son on weekends

(27 Posts)
Val65 Sun 09-Feb-20 13:04:25

The problem is my daughter is autistic, she was put on the spot , by her sons grandmother to have him at weekends, normally that would not be a problem, but she only comes round for his birthday and Christmas, and that is in the same month , then she expects him to go with her 2 months later , she did this last year , he went and I had to go with him as I am his main carer , he is struggling at the moment, he is being assessed for autism just like his mum , he said to me after her last visit , can you come with me , I said do you want to go , he said no , I was just wondering if he should go , he has nothing to do with his dad , he walks past him in the street , he held him once after he was born that was it .

Val65 Sun 09-Feb-20 13:08:10

She decided after the three weeks of seeing him she didn't want me there , and decided not to see him again until his birthday in December

Curlywhirly Sun 09-Feb-20 13:45:43

No, he certainly shouldn't go. His wishes should come first in this instance, what is the grandmother thinking!! She is not putting his needs first at all. I would just say that she is welcome to see him in his home, but he is not up to staying with her.

PamGeo Sun 09-Feb-20 13:56:44

You sound like you have a good relationship with your grandson, caring, thoughtful and respectful of him as an individual, pity his other grandmother doesn't .

Your daughter isn't the problem in this case, it's absent family.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 09-Feb-20 14:07:40

No, he shouldn’t, he doesn’t want to go! You are saying he is struggling at the moment, the fact he saying he doesn’t want to go would be enough for me, you sound like a caring grandmother and as you say you are his main carer, I would put his needs first

Doodle Sun 09-Feb-20 14:11:58

Val65 how old is your DGS? Sounds as though he is old enough to know what he wants. I can understand how his other gran might want to be with him but not if she only comes once or twice a year.
Does she have a problem being with you and your daughter (I don’t mean that in any unpleasant way) that makes her not want to come to your house to see him?
I think it is unwise to force a child to visit someone they don’t want to. Could other gran be invited round for tea one day to see if she’s interested in getting to know him better?
Your DGS sounds as though he is lucky to have such a caring grandma. (You I mean 😊)

Hithere Sun 09-Feb-20 14:17:29

My feedback is based on just your title.
I couldn't follow your posts 100%, not sure who the pronouns belong to.

Paternal grandmother can want all her heart desires. It doesn't mean it is possible.

Val65 Sun 09-Feb-20 14:22:37

My daughter is 21 and grandson is 5 he still wears reins to and from school because he runs off , and his school agrees with me for his safety, I wouldn't mind if he had not had problems ,we have a good relationship, I am going on a triple p course because of the way he is , I have looked after him since he was born , so I find it difficult when his other nan demands his attention when it's on her terms

rosenoir Sun 09-Feb-20 15:09:26

I do not understand why you are asking on here. He does not want to go, just tell her he does not want to stay with her.

SirChenjin Sun 09-Feb-20 15:19:59

If you are his main career do you have support from outside agencies? If your DD has reduced capacity or is vulnerable and is being coerced into giving her MiL her son for the weekends then that needs to be highlighted to them and dealt with appropriately. If external agencies aren’t involved then it would probably be a good idea to speak to the HV or GP and get this escalated.

Val65 Sun 09-Feb-20 15:26:50

Thank you , I just wanted views before I decide what to do , I do not want to seem harsh or unreasonable

Madgran77 Sun 09-Feb-20 15:29:24

No he should not go!

SirChenjin Sun 09-Feb-20 15:30:29

Not harsh or unreasonable at all - it’s obviously not what your DGC wants, so you need to be his voice. Good luck, I hope you get this sorted smile

Madgran77 Sun 09-Feb-20 15:32:29

...but maybe to stop the potential arguments, why not ask to meet her, talk about what is manageable (but with you there as a non negotiable for your grandsons safety and stability!) Might help the situation and avoid it becoming an on going battle for you? flowers

Yennifer Sun 09-Feb-20 15:41:53

She should come to him if anything, on his terms in his safe places x

Cabbie21 Sun 09-Feb-20 15:48:07

Your second posts seems to suggest the problem is solved as she doesn’t want to have him again till his birthday.
Who has parental responsibility for this boy? If it is not your daughter, it is surely for you to decide, as his main carer, what is or is not appropriate for him.

chatterbox2 Sun 09-Feb-20 15:52:54

Oh dear it's a difficult one but I think if he doesn't feel comfortable with her then it would be better if for now she came to him a bit more often until he's happier to visit.

AGAA4 Sun 09-Feb-20 15:57:32

No 5 year old should be expected to spend time with a relative they do not know well. They need to feel safe and secure with those they see regularly. His paternal grandmother should come to see him on a regular basis if she wants to have a relationship with him and maybe in time he will feel happier about spending time with her but she has to put in the effort.

Hithere Sun 09-Feb-20 19:20:19

Is the paternal grandmother educated on his needs?

Hithere Sun 09-Feb-20 19:26:24

So the father of the child is gone with the wind.
Is there child support established? Custody order?

No, paternal grandmother sees the child through her son, the father.
If he is an absent father, too bad so sad.

Does she want to see the gc all weekends? Only some?

Barmeyoldbat Sun 09-Feb-20 19:33:05

If you are accepted as the main carer and he doesn't want to go and you believe he shouldn't then just tell her to s.d off. You need to think of the child.

Nansnet Mon 10-Feb-20 07:36:19

Val65, from reading your post, I'm assuming that your GS hardly ever sees his other GM, except for birthday/Christmas.
So, for her to expect him to be comfortable going to her for weekends is unrealistic, sounds like he hardly knows her, and she hardly knows him. You would do right not to allow this.

However, if the other GM is serious about wanting a future loving relationship with her GS, and she can be reasonable, in that she's willing to work towards this, then I can only see that as a good thing. But you first need to ascertain exactly what her intentions are. She can't just dip in out whenever it suits her. And things need to move slowly. She can't expect to go from having very little contact with the child, to suddenly having him for weekends. Best to invite her over regularly, just for coffee/chat to begin with, then progress to shopping trip/lunch, and something that's enjoyable to your GS, such as a trip to a park/cinema/etc.

She needs to gain his trust gradually. And maybe, in the future, they'll have a good relationship. But, as I assume you are his main carer right now, and you know your GS well, then you are the one who pulls all the shots.

Starlady Thu 13-Feb-20 05:05:40

No, the fact that you are his main carer does not mean you "call all the shots," if DD still has custody, unless she is ok w/ this. But if GS doesn't wish to go, I agree w/ the others he shouldn't have to. If you have the main say or DD asks your opinion, that's the position I think you should take. GS' comfort has to come first. It's lovely that PGM wants to spend time w/ him, but she needs to act according to his comfort level.

For now, it does seem as if the problem is solved though. He won't go w/o you, she doesn't want you there, and so she has decided not to see him till next December. Not sure why she couldn't compromise and just visit w/ him for an afternoon here and there, etc. But that's her choice. In the future, though, she needs to understand, she needs to have more realistic expectations.

Sandmb Wed 11-Mar-20 13:20:16

I would speak to the other grandmother and ask her to take things slowly to walk before she runs. Visiting him on his turf for a couple of hours a week and a phone call and gradually build up to a day then in time a night gaining in confidence both sides the grandmother and grandson. It’s a slow process but if she wants a relationship with him it will be worth it. If she doesn’t agree to trying you will have done your best by your grandson and she loses out on a loving relationship with him

Namsnanny Wed 11-Mar-20 13:38:51

Val69 ... sirchenjun gives the advice I would endorse.
I hope you have the time to come back and update us.