Sick of my DIL

i wouldnt do anything unless i was asked to. you could ASK whether you could be of help. not just do things without asking .leave them alone ...all this hurt is getting you upset. if she needs hellp she will ask and if she doesnt ask leave her be, mother -in -law is woman hitler in anagram ,maybe she she's you as interfering .

SadMIL, some people think helping is kind and useful, and others think of it as interfering.
Moreover it's almost normal for the daughter in law to favour her own parent over her husband's parent.

Neither you nor your daughter in law is wrong. If I were you I'd draw back quite a lot and not take it a personal affront.

Step back. Leave DS and DIL alone.

this must be a wind-up

Thing is she doesn’t properly favour her family. They will watch the grandchildren sometimes but doesn’t really ask them! So when I see them struggling that’s why I have to intervene because she just refused anyway regardless which is why I go through my son.

Here we gooooooo

You "have to intervene"? She is "struggling"?

My oh my... yes, she is struggling with you and your attitude

Don’t “help” unless asked to do so.
Always a useful mantra.
You don’t “have to intervene”, just leave them be.
I always remember my mil telling me that she’d let herself into my house with her spare key, and hoovered round and cleaned all the crumbs from under the sofa cushions. I took her key away, she couldn’t understand why.

You’re not listening to any of this advice are you. You just keep trying to justify your overbearing behaviour. If this isn’t a wind-up, which it sounds like as it’s hard to believe anyone is this arrogant, I feel very, very sorry for your DIL.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

SadMiL, change what you do!

Everyone is telling you to back off and not to intervene, or interfere.

You do not "have to" do any of that.

If she isn't "favouring" her own family then you are all being treated the same. It seems to me that she is a woman of my own heart and wants to do it herself.

Often it's more satisfying in the long run to do difficult things ourself. It's how we grow.

Her standards are not yours, obviously but please see that she clearly doesn't dislike you - as you thought as she is not accepting help from her own family either.

For your own sake, let your daughter-in-law have some peace. It will reap rewards eventually.

There are occasions when interference is justified. If your daughter in law was starving ,or injuring her child, or failing to get medical attention for a seriously ill child then you'd be justified in interfering even at the risk of your future relationship with the mother.

An untidy house or absence of "love and kisses" for you is not a good reason to interfere. I think it was generous of you to give the cot and pram, they thanked you. It's best not to give a present expecting some reward for your generosity.

I agree with the masses here, assuming this isn’t a wind up you really need to take a long hard look in the mirror OP.

If another woman had her foot so firmly in my home I think I’d have a major issue.

You’ve invaded her hospital stay, insulted her parenting and her home and tried to buy her obedience under the guise of gifts. A true gift to this family would be for you to take a massive step back and let them get on with their own lives as a nuclear family.

I get along great with my MIL. Not once has she come over to our house to 'do our gardening.' You may not have said it was messy but you implied it because otherwise why would you need to do their gardening? She has definitely never replaced anything in my house. I would be very offended if she bought me a new bath mat. My MIL also doesn't try and go around me all the time by only communicating with her son, she makes sure that we are all on board.

You sound arrogant. You sound like you know everything and have everything and that they are struggling so hard and NEED you. They don't. You only perceive them as struggling. Leave them alone. My MIL has never once implied that we need her help or that we are struggling. All I get is praise and trust me when I say that its hard lol but I know that if I need them, I can ask. Stop assuming they need your help.

This story has played out so many times on mum forums and it goes one of two ways. You say that your son loves his mummy and will never leave you, okay then she will throw him out. He needs to put his wife before you or she will leave. If he puts her first, he WILL reduce or cut contact with you. Why would a mother want to force her son to make that choice?

Its soo common to hear everything was fine before we had kids. We got along okay and then MIL became so controlling and overbearing once we had children. If I was your DIL, I would have either kicked your son out or refused to have any further contact with you. Your SO told your son to sort her out? She's not an animal or object, she's his partner.

You come from a place of love but you are doing it wrong. Stop assuming they need you. You sound like my parents. Always undermining my confidence with statements like 'you must be struggling etc etc' and also 'we expect you to ask us for advice and listen to it' I laughed at that one. If they don't want your advice, they don't need it.

In regards to the cot and pram, did you just buy what you wanted? The really fun thing to do when having a baby is picking out the furniture and sometimes you want things a specific way. If you just bought them what you wanted them to use (not things that were practical for them or matched their theme) of course she would be annoyed. My MIL has never once bought me furniture for baby. If you had really wanted to help, you would've asked them what wanted (in your budget) or gone shopping with them (without making your opinions known).

My parents have also struggled with seeing me as independent. I have no idea why, I'm 32, have a masters degree, married for 8 years and 3 kids. They still think I need them. It took some arguments to get them to back off and now we are NC because they just can't accept that I don't need them. They constantly still see me as a child. Start seeing your son as a man and a father. Do not offer to do gardening or laundry.

Sorry rambled a bit

Your son is failing his wife.
You make me appreciate my mil.

I’d back these statements up but il save my energy because nothing anyone has said is getting through.

You and your husband should be ashamed of yourselves. You are ruining your sons marriage and clearly couldn’t give a toss. Shame on you.

Leave them alone and get on with your own life!!!

Dear SadMIL please listen to the advice here and stop coming back to justify or until someone agrees with your actions. It sounds as though you are not just a SadMIL but a sad person. Is it just your DIL or do you treat others like this, something must have happened in your life to make you this way. It doesn't even sound as though you like yourself let alone other people. We can only treat people the way that we want to be treated so if we are unkind and hostile that is what we will receive back. All it takes is a little tender loving care and kind words, give it a try there that was not so hard after all was it!

It must be a really hard transition to go from being a primary caretaker to being a grandparent. It's hard not being needed anymore. Your DIL just wants to be an independent family and you keep intruding so badly into their lives and your son is too scared to stand up to you.

Please stop seeing them as failing. I think that you want so badly to be needed that this is all you see, not how much they are succeeding. My in-laws have never once suggested that we are failing. My parents however also want so badly to be needed that they kept trying to control us and put us down. Eventually I cut them off, they refused to listen. This could happen to you, I'm sure my parents never thought it would happen too.

My in-laws have lives of their own. Hobbies, friends and interests. My parents have none of that and I think that's why they so badly wanted to be needed. They couldn't accept the shift to extended family. Please take up some hobbies, learn new skills and stop intruding on them. Focus on yourself and take a step back.

You should not be proud of raising a man that would put his mum above his wife and children, that is definitely not a good characteristic. You baby him way too much and trust me that is a HUGE turnoff. My MIL has doesn't done my husbands laundry since he moved out at 18. I didn't meet him until he was 21. That is how it should be. We raise independent adults, not children. Be proud of him and support him to become independent.

Taking a step back should slowly ease some tension. It will be slow but it will happen. Don't make your son choose between you and his wife. Please stop running to your room and crying when things get hard or your son tries to talk to you. Don't use tears to your advantage. You're a grown woman. This is probably why your son is scared to stand up to you, you put on the waterworks. It's okay to be upset, but not okay to guilt people with tears to get your own way.

If you want to fix things properly and alot more quickly, do some soul searching. Why do you need to be needed so badly? What are you afraid of? Look deep within yourself and then be open, honest and a little vulnerable to them and promise them that you are going to work on yourself and tell them how proud of them you are. This would help them build some empathy towards you, instead of just being defensive.

You may well have the very best intentions in buying stuff, helping out, giving advice, etc, etc, but, sadly, it may come across as being pushy.

Even if your daughter in law is, in your opinion, being rather difficult, for the sake of the relationship between her and your son, wouldn't it be wiser to back off a bit? I feel quite sure you would not want to see their marriage fail, with all the sadness it would cause to everyone involved.

I mostly lurk here to get perspective on my own in laws but really felt the need to comment on this one.

Your tactic of going through your son because you know DIL will say no? My MIL tries that. It is an attempt to divide and conquer, and is seen as such in our household and not met with a pleasant response. I'd advise packing that in because if your son cant get his head out of his arse, your interference in this way WILL damage his marriage.

Just stop with the 'help'. Help is only help when its asked for. You are inserting yourself in things that you have deemed they need help with. They haven't asked for your opinions on how their house or garden should be run so stop offering them. Occasionally my own MIL does this and she gets shot straight down.

Your son is an adult with a wife and child, stop trying to mother him as if he was otherwise.

I agree with others, you better step back and leave them alone until they ask you for help directly. You see, there is nothing bad in your wish to do things for them but when your help is unasked it isn't help anymore. I see where you come from but I also see where she comes from: why would she appreciate things she never asked your for?

when I see them struggling I have to intervene
OH NO YOU DONT
To start with you shouldn’t be watching their every move Concentrate on your husband, your home, your friends, your hobbies and LEAVE them alone
Her parents sound as if they are doing it completely right by standing back
The very best thing this couple can do is move 100 miles away from you
You and your husband are interfering And causing enormous problems for them and your son needs to tell you to BACK OFF

You ARE the problem can’t you see that

When I read such threads, can't help thinking it's a bit of a wind up, otherwise the original poster comes across as thick skinned. If you are able to describe the palpable annoyance and discomfort of the daughter-in-law, why therefore would you choose to ignore that and make the situation worse. It's not your time anymore, to be a grandparent one has inevitably been a parent, you've had your shot at that, let them get on with it. Is there anything worse than an interfering grandparent who won't stand back. Your interpretation of "struggling" may be how you see the situation everyone is different and has their own way of doing things. Offer help by all means, but it's her prerogative to take you up on that or refuse it.

Do grans think it's okay to ask son or daughter in law if they would like to know her idea , or have some specified help e.g. mother in law asks "do you want help with that or not?"

IF the mother-in-law is someone who can back off it's not an issue for me, Alexa. My mother-in-law would notice something not quite to her standards and say things like "do you need some help with x" and I'd say, "oh no thanks we'll get around to it eventually". She would never mention it again.
Occasionally I'd mull it over and might (much later) ask. If she'd said if even twice I think I'd have felt undermined. She was always conscious it was our home and family though. I think that makes all the difference.

Please back off and let her do her thing. You may think that you are being helpful and kind, but she may see it as criticism.
When you visited her in hospital after GD was born, did you ask before you picked the baby up? Poor woman was in pain, not feeling brilliant and no doubt struggling to pick her own child up on her own!
She may find it a struggle to say thank you and actually ask for help - don't assume that she actually needs any help anyway - some people prefer to struggle through on their own - that's just the way they are!
So now, you have told tales and created a problem between your DS and DiL. I think that you first of all need to apologise to them both, however hard it is and leave them to it and only go if invited. Always amazes me that some mothers assume that when their adult children marry, that they can just carry on treating their child as they have done - without seemingly realising that that child now has someone else in front of you in the queue and not being able to respect the boundries!