Nightmare DIL

I’m inclined to think the post is a wind up. It’s as if Granincharge you’ve done some market research on what makes a “difficult” mil. Then made a list and used it to describe yourself.

If it really is a genuine post then you are treading on thin ice with your son and dil. Based on what you’ve said I think you and your husband are fortunate to be as involved as you are in their lives.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Granincharge
I think your daughter in law has had a lucky escape. After all you've given her plenty of reasons not to be in your company.

Granincharge-you're not! They are her children. She is. She seems to me to be being quite kind and considerate to you at the moment. You may not be getting everything you want but she is offering you contact and time. But if you continue to behave badly and demand more she may just decide she's had enough and stop all contact. Step back, give them space, find a hobby because if you don't things may get much worse.

A lot of my friends think she is being unfair and one of them suggested to my DIL that we are allowed to see more of our grandchildren , which fell on deaf ears. I just came here to hopefully get advice on how I can get her to see things my way a bit more.

I do thank you for all your replies and for sharing your opinions.

I'm with your son [who I'm sure can think for himself, you don't have to blame your DiL for everything]…,and DiL on all the points you have moaned about. It's their life, their family, their children not yours. Their requests and boundaries are reasonable, sensible and responsible as parents should be.

You sound childish, paranoid and are being totally unfair in expecting your DiL to have the same personality and lead an identical life as you do/did. Never mind what other grandparents do, and if DiL wants to see her mother then surely she can!

Cut out the control, the resentment, and the hatred for a woman who put her life on the line to bear and give birth to these children. Just appreciate what time you get with the grandchildren. You are looking a gift horse in the mouth with your selfish attitude.

I'd suggest you take a reread of your posts. What you're saying is that she isn't doing things the way you did with your children, her parents get more time than you do, and your friends get more time with their GC than you do.

When your children were young, I'm sure there were occasions when they said to you, "But so-and-so gets to have/be/do/go X! Why can't I? It's not fair!" What was your response then? Do you see the similarities?

I'm particularly appalled at what your husband said about the children not needing their own rooms right away. You are not entitled to stay with them. That's their home.

Frankly, I am not surprised that she wants little to do with you.

Your friends are sooooo wrong. Listen to the others on here who have made excellent suggestions and just be thankful that your DIL and Son haven’t cut you off completely.

Let’s go through the OP.

1) Your son &/dil can have who they wish in their house. You have no right to stay there. Nor should your Dh be telling them how to conduct their family life.

2) Nor do they have to stay with you. They’re doing what feels right for them. Personally, I always prefer my own bed.

3) I don’t blame them for not having you babysit! I wouldn’t leave a child with someone who was drinking.
4) Your son& dil can go on whatever holidays they wish. Why should they have to socialise with your friends? No don’t they prefer their own friends. A big family holidays sounds a nightmare anyway.

-5) Of course she’s possessive! They are her children! Your son & dil are entitled to raise them as they wish, not as you wish.

6) Why should they have to fulfill your desires to relive old Christmases? No doubt they want To create their own traditions. You also seem overly-dependent on alcohol if you can’t manage without for one day.

7) It’s creepy to want to recreate your own past with someone else’s children. You’ve had your chance, now move on.

8) Your son & dil are entitled to choose what goes on SM. If they don’t want their children on it, that’s their right.

9) it’s old-fashioned to Only pay for a daughters wedding. You could have offered a contribution to your sons wedding.

10 The pandemic rules say your shouldn’t be in close Contact with other people.

11) You sound as though you regard your daughter simply as a brood mare to provide you with grandchildren.

My advice is to remember that you’ve had your time with children and it’s time to move over for a new generation. Also that these little ones are not your children and that their parents decide what is best for them, while in law, you have no rights whatsoever. Stop demanding they do things your way and imposing your values on them.

I haven't read through all the comments yet as I was so incensed by the OP, I wanted to get mine quickly!!!

You had your chance to have your own children wake up in your house on Christmas Day, of course the parents want the same thing. Heaven forbid the family also want to see the other grandparents too around that time.

Patents can restrict their children eating and doing whatever they want, it's nothing to do with grandparents.

Generally, children want their own bedroom- why should parents keep a bedroom empty just for occasional family visits! A round trip of one and a half hours is doable in a day, rather than needing an overnight stay- it sounds like you have probably outstayed your welcome in the past with your attitude- you've mentioned not being able to drink twice. Is that really important! Bringing stuff for 5 people to stay the night at yours for the odd time is a lot of hassle.

Lots of family don't want photos of their children on social media.

I would always treat my children equally in financial matters otherwise it could give rise to resentment.

Did you allow your own mother in law to run the show?

Sorry, a return trip of 1 1/2 hours each way.

Remember you are entitled to nothing.
You have no rights.
The more you push the more THEY will pull away.

Maybe the other granny gets more time because she just cares in general rather than being demanding and stomping her feet like a toddler because it’s not fair and but MY grandchild why won’t you be put in your place you ungrateful incubator. Let me guess she “stole” you little boy away from you too ?

quizqueen

Indeed, 90 minutes certainly isn't that much. Hubby and I commute almost that distance to work (I am not commuting right now due to COVID, but Hubby is due to the nature of his work).

Growing up, my mum's parents lived 2 hours' drive away. We saw them every couple of months, usually just as a day trip.

I, too, thought this was a wind up as the original poster seemed so self centred and unaware. But she kept coming back to justify herself and making it worse every time. I'm a fairly recent grandmother and I have learned to keep my mouth firmly closed and only offer advice if actually asked. I adore my grandson but he is not my child. Making memories with him will happen naturally. All the posters are telling you the same thing but you don't want to hear. I'm really sorry for your son and daughter in law but actually sorry for you, because your attitude almost certainly means you won't have a great relationship with your grandchildren. Their mother and father are important to them, you are secondary. Stop demanding, stop involving your friends in family affairs and eat a little humble pie

"I just came here to hopefully get advice on how I can get her to see things my way a bit more."

We dont have that advice.
What you are asking is for a magic wand that doesnt exist

"Nightmare DIL" no, just a mother doing her own thing, that doesn't happen to fit in with what you want!

How would you have felt if your MIL had behaved as you are?

Step back, look and think before you completely mess it up (and that's the polite version)

granincharge ... No alcohol around children, it's not acceptable.
They are only trying to keep the children safe. You cant really be difficult over that surely?

You use the word sociable in your post a lot. Some people use it to mean drinking and having a good time.
They obviously feel differently about this than you do.

If you can just take a step back and drop the aspect of your thought process that believes they must think and behave as you do, everything will calm down, and with luck you may at least keep the involvement in their lives that you now have.

Some of their wishes are quite in line with lots of Mums and Dads nowadays.

If anything the Christmas arrangements are very generous and flexible, and dil and son seem happy to see you under their influences.
More scope there than some other grans have to deal with.
You are actually very lucky. I would bite their hands off if I was given a similar solution!

Dont get shirty, try to chill out, would be my advice!

You have had quite an onslaught here Granincharge which seems to have surprised you, and I have to agree with the comments made. Maybe this is the time to take stock. You sound a very confident person, and yet you were unable to find a way to resolve the matter yourself, did you ever wonder why? My advice is to go away and sit quietly and try to work out why all these opinions are the opposite of yours. Usually deep down we can recognise our own faults, but it is hard when others point them out. Don’t jeopardise your chances to enjoy your family, do a little soul searching, you may surprise yourself.

I wonder if maybe your Son would describe you and your husband as maybe heavy drinkers from the bottles and sociable comments.

No parents are going to leave their children with heavy drinkers/possibly Alcohol dependants

I'm with your son and DIL. It's a pity they had to make the rules clear in that way as grandparents should, imo, be more sensitive to the needs of a young family.

Perhaps your username, Granincharge, may give a hint of where the problems in the relationship lie?

Granincharge

I have to say I am baffled by some of these replies. I was after some support but perhaps I have come to the wrong place. What is a reverse? I will try and think about them more but I still can’t help but feel I am being treated very unfairly as a grandmother

Are you bored, Granincharge?

Granincharge

I also want to add, she sees much more of her parents who live five minutes away from them. Her parents also have the children a couple of times a week when she works

Well, obviously!!

If this is real you sound like a nightmare MIL and surprised you get to see them at all!

How much wine did you drink? Apparently more than a bottle which is already too much if babysitting!

Granincharge, is this for real? You sound like a nightmare gran to me!