My grandchild will be 2 weeks old before I see her

My son and his wife are expecting the birth in about 3 weeks and they are adamant that they want no visitors (even close family) for the first two weeks

I can believe that there are two sides to this argument.
They want no visitors for the first two weeks
What is hard to understand?
That gives you plenty of time after the baby is born to arrange your travel and hotel accommodation.
If they say they want no visitors, they mean precisely that.
And nobody should have the disrespect and appalling manners to go against their wishes.
Some Grans seem to think it’s all about them

When I had my first baby, 46 years ago, my mother in law visited me in hospital and the first thing she did was uncover the baby’s feet to see if she had all her toes! Didn’t ask, just did it. We visited in laws not long after the birth and mil, without asking, picked up baby and took her into the garden to show next door neighbour, over the fence, MY new baby. I was furious, if she’d asked I have said yes but she didn’t, thought it was her right as it was her grandchild. Couldn’t understand me making a fuss. Because if this I kept her at arms length. I learnt from her mistakes and made sure I didn’t push the wrong buttons with my dil, whom I’m close to. Please don’t be jealous, it’s not worth it, your grandchildren will love you just the same as maternal grandparents. That’s all that matters the love of your grandchildren and not getting one over on the other grandparents, just enjoy them. Plus respect the parents wishes and you’ll be respected too.

Some people are SO sensitive - no wonder some mother-in-laws walk on egg shells.

Heather Tee, you may be right in thinking the other grandparents will be favoured. This is what usually happens, that the woman's parents get more consideration from the young couple at such times.

It is a hard situation to deal with and I hope it will be some consolation that it is the custom, and nothing personally to do with you yourself.

You need to deal with those jealous thoughts very quickly. I actually had the mother move from.another country and move in with our son and dil. She never left. Our relationship with all parties turned to.custard and we were estranged for three months. Even now we hardly see them and we live five minutes away. It has all turned out so differently to how I imagined it would being grandparents. Nothing like our sons had with theirs. My advice is tread very carefully.

Alexa

Heather Tee, you may be right in thinking the other grandparents will be favoured. This is what usually happens, that the woman's parents get more consideration from the young couple at such times.

It is a hard situation to deal with and I hope it will be some consolation that it is the custom, and nothing personally to do with you yourself.

Alexa this may be your experience but you cannot say this is what usually happens because that simply isn’t true.
It may well be in some cultures and some sectors of society, but not in my experience or anybody I know.
My “fellow grannies” and I have always been treated with scrupulous fairness by my daughters and sons in law and I have never presumed otherwise. I have always waited for invitations to visit and in the case of at least two of my five grandchildren, it turned out that the “other” grandparents saw them first.
So what?
I have read such outdated attitudes from some sources I have been flabbergasted. It beggars belief that anybody still believes maternal or paternal grandparents are viewed differently, that some grandmothers have waded in uninvited, moved in, “taken over”, are possessive about their “rights” or imposed their child rearing views and generally behaved like some sort of termagant. .
TG neither my mother or MIL were anything like that.

My other died when I was in my teens so my DD’s beardy knew Grandparents my husbands parents where ‘different’ we rarely saw them well maybe 2/3 times a year.
When each of my beloved GC where born I was there soon after, then stepped back, as DD said, mum you’ve had your turn it our turn now (to be mummies) how I respect that. Is it so true, we should give them the grace to enjoy the newness of a child. They will shout when they are ready, be pleased they are such devoted parents. My very best wishes ?

"Some people are SO sensitive - no wondersomemother-in-laws walk on egg shells."

"SO sensitive"- typical gaslighting comment given by offenders to justify their behaviour

God forbid women want to be people with the right to make their own decisions following what is best for them, instead of being incubators for the grandchildren, social secretaries of the family, built in cleaners, cooks, maids and satisfy husbands' physical needs, not forgetting forsaking their instincts to follow IL's advice as they are older and wiser so they know better.

You are right, some people are too sensitive and need to get back with the program so nobody walks on eggshells, falls down and breaks a leg.

Sarcasm on, of course.

MawB

Alexa

Heather Tee, you may be right in thinking the other grandparents will be favoured. This is what usually happens, that the woman's parents get more consideration from the young couple at such times.

It is a hard situation to deal with and I hope it will be some consolation that it is the custom, and nothing personally to do with you yourself.

Alexa this may be your experience but you cannot say this is what usually happens because that simply isn’t true.
It may well be in some cultures and some sectors of society, but not in my experience or anybody I know.
My “fellow grannies” and I have always been treated with scrupulous fairness by my daughters and sons in law and I have never presumed otherwise. I have always waited for invitations to visit and in the case of at least two of my five grandchildren, it turned out that the “other” grandparents saw them first.
So what?
I have read such outdated attitudes from some sources I have been flabbergasted. It beggars belief that anybody still believes maternal or paternal grandparents are viewed differently, that some grandmothers have waded in uninvited, moved in, “taken over”, are possessive about their “rights” or imposed their child rearing views and generally behaved like some sort of termagant. .
TG neither my mother or MIL were anything like that.

Agreed. I’m always amazed at the women who have to go to ante natal check up with mother in tow, or even have her there at the birth, always feel sorry for the baby’s father !!

Maw, it is not my experience at all , rather the opposite. I am drawing on sociological research about our present society here in the UK and the States.

If the young mother has an equally good relationship with the two sets of inlaws she naturally favours her own parents.

God forbid women want to be people with the right to make their own decisions following what is best for them, instead of being incubators for the grandchildren, social secretaries of the family, built in cleaners, cooks, maids and satisfy husbands' physical needs, not forgetting forsaking their instincts to follow IL's advice as they are older and wiser so they know better

I didn’t think for one minute Hithere that parents decide to be ‘incubators for grandchildren’! They decide, of course to have a child themselves? And when they do .... guess what? They enter a group of extended family! Who not only love them but strangely, were themselves ... ’social secretaries of the family, built in cleaners, cooks, maids and satisfy husbands' physical needs, not forgetting forsaking their instincts to follow IL's advice as they are older and wiser so they know better’. ‼️

Lucca

In some cases, it is the baby's father pushing the idea of mil being at the birth or appointments, or the mil saying "she needs to be there to support her son", also play the fair game - if your mother will be there, why not my mother? This is her granchild too!

Alexa

Maw, it is not my experience at all , rather the opposite. I am drawing on sociological research about our present society here in the UK and the States.

If the young mother has an equally good relationship with the two sets of inlaws she naturally favours her own parents.

I’d be interested in the dates of this research, the socio-economic breakdown, the ethnic and cultural breakdown and the geographical breakdown.
As well as who carried out the research.
If nothing else I would be very sceptical at any conclusions which purported to cover the US and the U.K. given the ethnic and cultural diversity of both countries.

I cannot. I read it years ago. Look it up for yourself Google.

My DH and I lived 400 miles from both parents and I did not want visitors in the first 2 weeks after my daughters birth. She is 30 now. I think I knew their visits could not be that regular so I wanted my husband to be really hands on from day one. He was changing nappies etc from day 1 and totally besotted. If parents had all descended he would have taken a back seat and may never have got that confidence.
I had a ceasarian and knew I would need his support, I think my mother was upset but I had to do what was right for us at the time .

Just to add that statutory paternal leave is two weeks, and although this doesn’t have to start on the day the baby is born or when the labour starts, the vast majority of fathers (all in our business) do in fact take the first two weeks so as to support the mother in recovering and and get to know their new baby. If your son is returning to work afterwards, even if working from home, those first two weeks are very precious, and it makes sense for wider family to visit and support once he is back working, particularly if they do the decent thing and bring food, make drinks, ask how they might help and keep visits short and cheery.
If your DIL is going to try breastfeeding, the first weeks are often very hard and even if she isn’t, they will be doing night feeds and she has to recover from the physical effects of giving birth.
I think it is progress that people feel able to choose whether they want visitors at such a delicate time. The baby won’t go stale in two weeks.
It is very true that the harder people push, the more the recipients push back.
Being sensitive and patient will pay huge dividends for you very quickly as your DIL will feel relaxed about your visits.

Don’t be jealous, get technical, use your computer , set up Face time , etc .luckily technology allows us to be in touch without having to travel, best wishes .

Hithere

Lucca

In some cases, it is the baby's father pushing the idea of mil being at the birth or appointments, or the mil saying "she needs to be there to support her son", also play the fair game - if your mother will be there, why not my mother? This is her granchild too!

Sorry I don’t understand your post. I said mother in tow....meaning HER mother

Urmstongran

I think some new parents buy an appointment book on the way home from hospital ...

C-19 obviously puts a slant on things ‘in these unprecedented times’.

But it’s becoming a trend - new mummy divas. Precious behaviour at best, controlling at worst.

What an unkind comment to new parents. Wanting to get your bearings and understand how you’re feeling is not controlling or precious. Just because previous generations Had to host people immediately whether they wanted to or not doesn’t make new mums bad people.

We must remember that most new parents these days are much older than they used to be. So they are far more aware of who they are and what they need and how much help they will need.

Sorry Lucca! You wrote mother in tow!

I don't know why grandmothers think they have a right to the babies. The only reason I saw my granddaughter when just born was the perilous state of my daughter, who asked for me. My own mother would help if asked. My m-i-l and s-i-l both thought I didn't know what I was doing and interfered. In every case we are talking of a journey of 4 hours at least, not a day visit.
Grandchildren are a bonus, not a right.