Babysitting granddaughter - what's wrong with me?

I understand what you’re saying. You feel you’ve done your time, and now it’s their turn. I had four children, and we have six grandchildren with one on the way. I have helped a lot, but am mindful that these are precious years for the parents, and have always encouraged them to make the most of them. I was very fortunate.....never had to work, and saw that as a luxury. Apart from a few years when one DIL had to work part time, and I had my granddaughter three days a week, none of the others have had to work. Like you...I enjoy my exercise, but I don’t work, so have spare time if I’m needed, which is fairly often. I love it, but don’t hanker for it, and once those swimming pools are open....I’ll be back in! You shouldn’t have to choose one to the detriment of the other. You may end up regretting time lost with your grandchildren, but for me, that regret would be for my children. It may be there are many grandparents who don’t want to miss out on their grandchildren, because they missed their children, due to having to work. Only you can decide what your priorities are. You shouldn’t feel pushed into anything. A little bit of everything is the ideal I suppose. Good luck with your decision making.

I did not mean it to sound harsh but you can choose to spend less than FOUR time’s a week doing Zumba and use at least one of those days to help your family. I still say it’s down to priorities Im afraid

Why is it always women who have to help? Here we have a woman who is working full time, dealing with an elderly parent and wants some time to herself; her husband , who is retired isn't apparently offering to step in and do more.
Maybe the Zumba is important as it helps to relieve stress?
What does the husband do all day if he is retired? Does he do all of the housework? Does he cook the evening meal? If he doesn't then he should step up the plate ( as they say in the USA) .

When I was pregnant and had a 2 year old those couple hours a week my parents picked my little one up saved me. Of course neither my parents or my OH’s parents had to put themselves out but they loved me and my daughter and wanted to help.

Just like when my dad is having a nightmare with technology and I nip round or my mil is feeling low and we take her a bunch of flowers and have a cuppa.

No one HAS to do helpful things for people they love but when people you care about are in need of what amounts to a very small amount of your time you do it.

I suppose from their point of view it could signify how little they mean to you. If they meant something to you, you would make the effort for them.

Hi, I understand how little time you have for yourself...but something I hesitantly ask you to do is think about how life moves on so quickly.

Our grandchildren are young for such a short time and will be doing their own thing soon enough.

My grandchildren are 11, 18, 18 and 21.

I long for the days when I could cuddle and play silly games with them.

Try to find just a little bit of time for them.

why is the woman expected to be the work-horse.

I don't know what the answer is for you but if you want to have some input but find looking after the children a strain, why don't you and your husband look after her one session a week. You can pass on the zumba once surely!
I do yoga on zoom and it's fine.
I think you have to compromise and be flexible or you risk a rift.

My thoughts exactly welbeck. No one should be made to feel guilty for wanting some time to do what they choose. If anyone is overloaded mentally or physically something will give eventually. Who is going to look after grandma when SHE needs help? Will she be made to feel even more guilty because she cant cope with everything?

It's your life to live as suits you but others have a right to have feelings about it.

There is room for everyone's feelings without anyone being right or wrong to allow it.

My mum (we are estranged now but not the point) was not maternal and didn't spend any time alone with her grandchildren. That was fine and I guess right for her but it did make me sad she didn't and it made them sad when their friends talked of wonderful adventures with grandparents.

Maybe it would be worth putting some time into biding now, maybe you can get them into zumba one day, or find a version on YouTube for toddlers you could do together now.

Just suggestions though. Absolutely your life to live.

Quote fromBabyshark
"If they meant something to you, you would make the effort for them".

I totally agree. And for me, and I suspect many other people, that applies not just to helping my family, but my friends too.

I suspect this is a 'fishing' message. It's her only post on here and she's not returned to the thread.

What is a 'fishing' message, Gagajo?
Just one post then we all reply while the OP has disappeared?
What's the point?

I don't really know FarNorth. Media? See how selfish grannies are (except most of us aren't and disagreed with her)? Mumsnet member looking for ammunition?

I don't get posting and running myself. But... she's obviously not genuine.

I would smile and be enthusiastic with son and DIL and tell them “how very much you are looking forward to being able to do exactly that, and won’t it be lovely that you will be able to help when you can retire”....
(I.e. all in good time, but not yet!)

It also tells them that the decision is currently out of your hands.

Speaking from experience after my MIL tried to “shame me” in front of my own mum, by bitterly complaining that “I never go and stay with her (despite her having “extended” holidays with us)

Never been so happy with my Mum, when she replied to MIL “but when would S/Swimmer come?”.......(as I was in HM Forces at the time)

Can I say first off that conveniently my DGD came along as I was just retiring. Like others I had little/no grandparent help, though my sisters and sister-in-law did (bitter, moi?), so I was determined to be the best gran I could be. Neither of mine were particularly close to their grandmothers (granddads died in their early 60s). I wanted to be a feature of DGD's early life.

Little one starts school September. It'll be only holiday sleepovers then...

My husband has been camping a lot the last few months. We have property up in the woods a couple hours north of here and the RV is stored there. He comes home for a week or two periodically and then goes back to get away from the Covid craziness. I frankly have enjoyed the peace and quiet with him gone, possibly a bit too much, and have been just doing 'me' time. A lot of the issue is that my daughter-in-law's mom lives overseas (Germany) and can't be here for the birth of the baby or to help for a few months because of Covid. She does not work and has always been here to help. They are a very close family. We went over to the house for an hour or so last night to see my granddaughter who turns into a total show-off when we are there. She tends to not bug her mom like she does when they are one-on-one -- normal toddler stuff.

Doesn’t sound as if you like your granddaughter to be honest. Have you read the replies on here by the way ?

babs57 . Sorry if I sound mean but do you think that the real problem is that your husband takes himself off and is really no support or help to you? I'm sure you are enjoying having 'me time' , the 'peace and quiet' . So , when he is around what is he like? I will ask again, is he in effect , a househusband or does he still leave all of the domestic tasks to you?
And what of your son? Do you know when I had my kids I had no-one to help apart from my DH. I didn't have anyone come to stay and help around the house, no-one else did the housework, I didn't get a lie-in as my DH worked shifts and was often on nights or late evening shifts so slept at odd hours. ( he did a job where a lack of sleep would have been a real danger and I knew he had to be alert before any comments are made) I worked full time and after maternity leave went back to work full time. I just got on with it. Yes, having help can be lovely but really it's up to the parents to pull together.
Reading your response makes me wonder if the issues are really that your husband and son expect you to do everything and not fill the gap themselves.

How does a grandma balance the needs of her own life with her grandchildren?

I think you have answered your own question there babs75

1. You live on the same street as your grandchild.
2. She is two years old and your house is not yet child proof.
3. You say 'she is a handful and you have to watch her all the time' (pretty much the job description for any 2 year old)
4. You find time for Zumba 5 times a week and that is non- negotiable.
5. There are 168 hours in every week and you are reluctant to prioritise two of them to give care to your granddaughter.

Seems pretty clear to me.

GrannyLaine the OP also works full time and cares for her father. There could be compromises I agree but her husband could be more helpful as well. Why is the caring role seen as the province of the woman only.

Yes sodapop I have read the OP. I am merely reflecting on the question posed by babs75. My own views on the caring role are irrelevant.

Wow. Sorry I can’t get past the fact that the men are displeased that the woman isn’t pulling her weight in a child she didn’t create.

I would’ve absolutely ripped them both a new arsehole.

DS fathered this child and decided to impregnate his wife again. So he needs to get up and take the child out to give his wife a break.

DH can straight up STFU if he is worried about his child and DIL then he can rearrange his schedule to accommodate their demands.
You haven’t done anything wrong. You are living your life. You’re maintaining a nice and friendly relationship with your GD.
If you want to take on more caring responsibility later on then that’s up to you and her parents. But there is nothing wrong with saying that right now she’s to much hard work and you’d rather wait.

The issue seems to be short term help, 'for a couple of hours during the work week' following the birth of the new baby. The husband, according to the OP, is' here all day.'
She doesn't look after her father, usually visits him on Saturday, but not at present, because of covid.
It doesn't seem that she likes her grand daughter very much, despite 'loving her to death', whatever that means.
Best for the safety of the child that they find care elsewhere.

OP, is' here all day.'
Working. The OP is at home all day working.
Also fortunately the father of the children I permitted statutory time off post birth to assist in the caring of the children he made.

I’m not very fond of 2 year olds. I’m legally obliged to care for mine but when they’re done I won’t be killing myself between work and other responsibilities to care for someone else’s.

IMO it doesn't matter how much or how little free time you have, if you don't want to commit to providing childcare on a regular basis, it's up to you.

There's nothing wrong with you for not wanting to do so and there's nothing wrong with your H for not wanting to do so either.

My p's.i.l. were very hands on GP's, my mum never was. Hardly ever baby sat and saw our boys when we went round as a family.

I'd have liked my mum to have been more involved but that was her choice and I certainly wouldn't have made her feel uncomfortable for making that choice.