Daughter and soninlaw have let housework slide during lockdown

Big sympathy. My son and daughter-in-law are both messy. One year they asked for a vacuum cleaner for Christmas but I found it behind a sofa covered in dust!!! My grandson is always spotless it has to be said though. My bugbear with them is the disgusting state of their toilet which never ever looks clean. I thought it was just my son as at University the toilet in his house share was so bad I used to go to the Starbucks over the road but daughter-in-law is even worse than him. I gave up offering help over anything as she accused me of being interfering. So good luck.

I'm with Applegran, when I had small kids and working mostly from home, my MIL loved to take them off one by one for fun activities, they made cakes and models and grew tomatoes... She also did all the ironing, mostly her sons shirts lol, and a bit of cleaning. For years before children she was clear she didn't really approve of me but once she felt I needed her help we managed to get on OK and I was very happy to have someone around who really cared about the children.

Problem is perspective, what one person sees as dirty another sees as ok. My daughter and I have this problem, she goes to her sons house and tells me it’s a pigsty, I have been there and ok it’s a tad messy but no where near a pigsty.
Don’t ever clean anyone’s house without asking, my mother in law did that to me and believe me I was not grateful.

Did you ask your daughter if there was something you could do? If you can, and she agrees, you could go once a wee and run a load of laundry and do the dishes, which are the two most important things, after meals - but you didn't mention those, so I think they're all right for food. Re the smell, it could be that she is so used to it that she does not smell it. Are the windows kept shut?

When you are next chatting on the phone you could say something like - I've been having a good tidying up and cleaning session and I've just sat down. Phew. What a difference though, it's looking so much better and makes me feel better.
Just try not to sound in any way that you're suggesting she does the same.

As StarBlaze kindly suggests please don’t touch rest of house maybe just the kitchen. My MiL fed cats whilst we were away on holiday, and whilst house was absolutely fine, we came back to it re-organised with most of furniture moved to a “better place”. She had also cleaned oven which didn’t need much cleaning.
Had the added insult of hearing from folk how hard she had worked on our place, and the filthy oven.
I can still remember walking into the house, with her there waiting for us to exclaim how pleased we were. The shock!!! It damaged our relationship for a long time.
Not the same as AnotherGrannyB’s post as that’s really a very sensitive problem. Depression or maybe sadness, etc., could be at the root. A difficult one and I hope things improve. Trust I’ve not offended by my comparison. All the best.

What a delicate situation. Untidiness wouldn't bother me but dirtiness would. It sounds as though things have just got on top of her but she does have her priority right, your grandchild. If you stay with her I think the most you should do is the washing up and you could open some windows. Your daughter must be aware of the state of things but unless she asks for help, don’t.
I remember being depressed after my second baby and I really let things go, but if my parents were coming to visit I was able to force myself to make an effort. The fact that she doesn’t bother shows how low she must be feeling. Don’t arrive unannounced!

One woman’s mess is another woman’s homely and lived in. I have a much cleaner and tidier house now than I did when the family was together and I was working full time. I loathe housework but don’t like mess so I have always prioritised having a cleaner over anything else and done without other things in order to afford one. I would be very wary of commenting and imposing my standards on anyone - and dear SIL would certainly tell me off if I tried!

Their home, their mess, their choice.

Are you in a position to be able to offer to buy them a dishwasher, if they have room?
At least the dirty dishes etc could go into the machine and it would be easier to wipe down clean surfaces. The cutlery, dishes would be stabilised too.
You could be very subtle about the reasons.

Does your SIL leave it all to her? Sometimes it can get overwhelming. Are they both trying to work from home too, as well as look after a little one?

I can remember my sister-in-law saying, when their DC were small 'I'll have a tidy house one day!' I found out what she meant when we had our DC.

Not stabilised

Sterilised

I think the issue here is not really the state of the house it is your worry that your daughter may be becoming depressed again. A mother does have a seventh sense but on the other hand we can also be over anxious. All you can really do at the moment is keep in touch. Keep checking in. Ask her how she is feeling. Give her some non judgemental space to talk if she is willing. Be a sympathetic listening ear. Be kind to yourself too. Try not to worry too much. You may be feeling more anxious than you would normally be because you are also experiencing lock down and not able to see her and your grandchild as often as you might normally do. It sounds as if your daughter recovered from her earlier depressive period. And can again, if this is what is happening. But it may well not be. Many people are struggling in their heads with what is happening at the moment. It is normal Best wishes to you all.

What do you think is causing the smells, especially from your GD. I'd be concerned about this. Is rubbish not being cleared away? Washing left hanging about for days? Not ventilating a place when cooking? Surely windows can be opened to air a place even if cluttered. A home doesn't need to be kept pristine, far from it. Your DD even if she and SIL have been working from home will have been able to go out with the baby for some fresh air. I would be a bit concerned if smells accumulating as this may be a bit more than clutter accumulating. I would definitely tidy up for them if you went to stay for a couple of days. They may well have lost the will to even start. Would your DD invite other mothers
and babies in to her house as it is if rules allowed?

I have to admit to being a right minger as a newlywed, my mother would come round before I got home from work on a Friday and clean up, I could never find anything, she was quite critical and after two years we emigrated. I was able to continue my messy lifestyle when I became a mother without interference, I played with the boys, taught them to count, to read and write through fun. My adult children often say how great their childhood was, able to build whole Lego towns which were left until they’d had enough, they weren’t even aware of the mess.
They are all quite successful and decent men.
I on the other hand have become quite houseproud now that I have a grown ups only household. When the grandkids come we have fun and make a mess but I love to put it all back in place when they leave.
I would leave your daughter to it while your grandchild is looked after and happy.

Yes, a lot of people are struggling.

Are they furloughed, are their jobs safe to return to?

I always remember reading they won't notice a ironed shirt but they will always notice time spent with them.I have a poster of a mouse sweeping dust under the mat.With the tag line a spotless house is a sign of wasted life

I'm untidy, but still have to keep my mouth shut when I visit my daughter. I would rather have a good relationship with my daughter than criticise her home. It is her home, not mine.

Although I'd be keen to help clean, I would remember A. that this could turn into a regular, and B. that you live so far away, help might be impractical.

I do think, though, that the child should be first priority. Whilst I think grubby playtime, mud pies, spilt food are all part of childhood, no child should smell bad. It isn't hard to keep a child relatively clean, simply by regular nappy or potty times, and doing sufficient laundry for a change of clothes.

I think my children would want me to take over at bathtime, and maybe nappy/loo times, or rather perhaps they would expect me to want to! (Do I??) However, I would find it hard to suggest a daughter deals with cleaning the house, but I definitely would if I thought food preparation and eating took place in dirty surroundings.

I think I have mixed opinions here but I would mainly be concerned about the child. Most important.

If someone chooses to have a child, the responsibility of care falls to them but, in your position, I would keep in mind that things could deteriorate further, and surely nobody would want that.

Our grandchild is so happy and contented and such a sweet little girl but the state of the house puts whiskers on me as my Grandma would have said. I just have to turn a blind eye when I go but I am itching to clean and tidy up, I couldn't live like that at all but to their own.

There’s mess and then there’s dirt. Most of us understand the untidiness of having a little one around BUT there’s not really an excuse for a smelly home or - even worse - a smelly baby. Perhaps it would be an idea to ask her outright if all is well x

I have two daughters One goes through bleach so fast and has a spotless house. The other's house is dirty and a mess. I have offered to help clean in the past but she would not let me. Children are well cared for though. It is difficult knowing what to do for the best but if someone does not want your help you cannot force it on them.

You feel there's something wrong, so there probably is. Please don't normalise what your gut tells you isn't normal. I'm an antenatal teacher and one thing we've learned in recent years about perinatal mental illness is that it doesn't do to pretend it isn't happening. Please say to your daughter outright, look, you don't seem in a happy place, why not see your GP for starters? Mind it doesn't end up as you telling her off for being messy - focus on her state of mind rather than the state of her home.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Don't do anything is my advice as long as your gd is getting along ok then leave it. You say she has always been a bit messy so whats new just a bit worse. Just keep an eye on your gd.

You wouldn't believe the mess my son lived in with 5 very young children. I went around one day and they were all sat on the floor, son as well, making a castle from toilet rolls, the house was a complete tip but the children were happy and well.

I definitely don't spend hours each day doing housework, I do the bare minimum to keep it reasonable. This isn't just a bit of a mess....