Daughter and soninlaw have let housework slide during lockdown

I would worry if the house smells and baby looks grubby. Could you afford to pay for a few hours nursery to give them a break. Are her hubbys family nearby could they help.

where does it say that having a messy house is equal to happy children this is not mutually exclusive you can have a clean house and have your children happy too.

I think the key word is your grandchild smells. That would worry me.

My daughter and son in law are extremely untidy and the house is not very clean but despite 3 dogs it never smells, neither does my grandchild. I have to ignore the chaos but wouldn’t be able to ignore a smelly child.

Are you allowed under the current Covid restrictions to go there and spend time with them.
Not sure I can go to my Dd house even after all these months.

I am elderly and don’t want to risk it, personally.

Looking back now, we lived in a right old mess when our three were little. I was more interested in letting them play than keeping things tidy. We had a social worker visiting regularly to advise on our disabled child. She was brilliant. I had a sandpit in the kitchen. Yikes, it spread everywhere and the kids were in heaven. But I used to apologise sometimes to the social worker and she said she worried about the houses she went to which were very tidy, and that at least my ceilings were tidy! She was great. My mum and mother-in-law must have watched slightly in horror but never interfered, especially as the children were so happy.

You could always ask your daughter if she’s ok? If she asks why you’re asking, just say you thought she looked a bit tired. If she says she’s ok there’s nothing more you can do really, apart from stay in touch. (My daughter is very messy but if she knows I’m visiting she blitzes the house!)

My daughter's house is messy as well, just things everywhere, and it's not as clean as my standards but my little granddaughter is well and always clean so I bite my tongue. Both my daughter and son-in-law have very busy jobs so time is precious. So, Anothergrannyb, I would bite your tongue and just enjoy your grandchild. You could offer to help when you visit I suppose but I fear it would be refused.

Our house is a pig sty at the moment despite my having done more housework - several times a day - in the past 3 months than in 50 years of marriage. I can only think it is because we are in the house most of the time - still just beginning to come out of lockdown in Scotland - and creating more mess than usual...

I agree with others that doing a surprise tidy up is not a good idea, you might not get the reaction you hope for. Next time you visit I would just ask in a friendly voice "do you want me to put the washing in the machine?" or "can I give you a hand and do the washing up?" however be prepared for her to say "no just leave it, it's OK" You could also ask her if she is feeling OK without mentioning the state of the house. My own GDs live a long way from me and whenever I visit (pre lockdown) I take a bag of new clothes as I love buying for them, maybe you could do this for your GD. I know it's a worry for you but as long as your GD is being well looked after that is the main thing.

Hi ! I agree with Nitpick48, surely you should know if your daughter is ok or not by her tone and body language. I can tell my daughters not right just by talking on the phone and vica versa. Perhaps you could catch her alone and ask if she is ok mother to daughter and maybe she will open up to you but you can’t assume things as long as they are all happy. If they are happy the way they live then why should you be concerned. I have a similar problem. You can’t expect them to have the same old fashioned pride that we had back in the day, things are different now, don’t ask me why but yours and mine standards are high, we just have to accept it, it’s hard but true. ?

I hate housework with a passion. I wouldn't say my house is a pig sty, but I reserve the right for it to be so if I wish. Kate Middleton is heading a big project to encourage early years skills due to the first 5 years of a child's life being the most formative. Your daughter is prioritising her time well.

Can I point out - as one who spent my childhood in a messy and dirty tip - that children might be happy with this when they are young but when they are a bit older and other children comment on their dirty clothes or their smell and they are too embarrassed to have friends home it’s a slightly different matter.

My house is a tip. Difficult to do much in the day as I'm looking after and entertaining my son (learning disabled) and dh is working and on constant skype calls so haed to do mjch.. Im too tired in the evenings and ca t do mjch at weeke ds either.

A bad smell on a small child is a red flag. Even if the house is messy it should be hygienic enough for a growing immune system.
Can you discuss with her other half. Can they do more? Has it just got on top of her and she’s not sure where to start?
If you have concerns I would start with other adult members of the household and ask what happened and what you can do to help?
If they hadn’t noticed or don’t care contact her health visitor.

Next time you are at her house, could you politely ask her if she'd like you to have a bit of a tidy up whilst the baby is asleep? If she says yes you can blitz the place - if she says no, well at least you've asked Have a secret supply of cleaning products in your car in case they are needed..................
I would worry about the baby smelling though I have to admit,

I would be offended if my mum had cleaned my house or even offered to clean it for me.
Depressed people don't clean thats true so it seems your DD's depression is returning as your instinct tells you. Now is the time to help with that - but not by barging in all guns blazing.
Can you remember what helped when she was a teenager and gently start something simple? Does she need to get out of the house for as break.
I e been depressed so know any criticising of her home will make her worse, much worse...... please ignore her mess and find something for her to do away from housework.
My home is the most untidy its ever been. I haven't got any desire to clean it, so I wipe everything with sanitiser and led e the rest.

Even as a mother, you are a guest in your adult children's home. You have no input in how they run their home.

Adult children are way too old to be suggested to clean while baby is napping, or offering your help to clean unless it is requested by host or hostess.

It is infantilizing them and even though the mothers want to help, it may not come across the same way to the other party - for example, it may be interpreted "your house is dirty and needs to be cleaned asap"

It doesnt matter whether the adult children are depressed or not. It is not your house.

Anothergrannyb
There's more to life than having a spotless house. If the GC was happy then almost certainly your DD isn't depressed. I'm sure that children can sense when there's something wrong.

I hate housework but my mum was very houseproud. My parents lived 3 hours away so a visit from them was always for about a week - so a big tidy up beforehand was always necessary! On one occasion after she had been pottering about the kitchen she made a point of telling me she had washed out my bread bin! I hadn't realised crumbs in the bread bin were a mortal sin. I think I take after my grandma, her mother, whose mantra was "Enjoy your children, they grow up and away. The house will still be there"

my daughter lived a digusting mess years ago. She was just bone idle! Now years later her partner does some h/w but she would still rather do other things! DO NOT WORRY

My mother was very houseproud but I hate housework. On one of her visits she made a point of telling me the had washed out my bread bin. I hadn't realised crumbs in the bread bin were a mortal sin. I felt I had been judged and found wanting! I think I am more like my grandma, her mother, whose mantra was "Enjoy your children, they grow up quickly, your house will still be there when they're gone"

It’s a tricky one really, cos some people’s clean is another persons dirt, I think though I would notice if there was something wrong with my daughter by her mannerisms , tone, and body language, personally I think I would stand back from it, maybe having a few bad days, or just not bothered too much about it, you say your grandchild of 9 months smells, depending on what smell, dirty nappy or other smells

Best to stay out of it. I’m sure your daughter knows her house is not up to your standards. One of my daughters is the same and lives in a dreadful mess. Trying to help her clear up just makes her feel inadequate so I grin and bear it. You could offer to bathe the baby when you visit just to check it doesn’t have a bad nappy rash or something else worrying. But if it seems fine and is loved that’s the most important thing.

You know your daughter, Anothergrannyb, and it's quite obvious that you're very worried about her, especially as she has a history of depression and self-neglect. Of course it's difficult to know how to help without alienating her, but this isn't just a matter of a busy mother happily prioritising her child over a pristine house, is it? I'd agree with those who suggest asking her if you can visit for a few days, then you'll have the chance to have a proper heart to heart with her and really see what's going on.