Daughter and soninlaw have let housework slide during lockdown

Perhaps, if you have the room, your daughter and granddaughter could stay with you for a few days so you could spoil them both and give your daughter the break she seems to need.

I have to say this could have been my mum posting about me but she wouldn't know how to and my youngest is 17 in a few days.
From my perspective, everyone took the opportunity during lockdown to clean their houses, re decorate, get into the gardens etc - my house never seems to have been messier! Myself, hubby and our 3 sons plus 1 girlfriend were all here and it was great, we have the space, live in the middle of nowhere so we're lucky to have outdoors too.... but and it is a big BUT... they all kept busy doing stuff outside - mechanics on quads, bikes, mowers etc and I just got depressed. The more housework needed doing the more I didn't do it.
It doesn't help I have cancer so am limited and am awaiting a major lung op, but I wish I just felt a bit more mojo to actually Hoover or dust or do the washing!
I'm getting better, pushing myself and everyone going back to work and the cleanliness lasting longer than 5 minutes has helped massively.
Maybe your daughter is a bit depressed - she has a 9month old and not got her mum near by, I'm guessing her partner was home/furloughed too and maybe she was digging her heels in with him too (if he wasn't helping)
I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread, I just thought it might help hearing it from someone who is battling the dreaded housework blues.
Talk to your daughter, little and often and I hope everything works out xx

I agree, an untidy house is not a priority; but the poster has said it is worse than just an untidy house. I assume then she means it is far from clean. Although the baby is happy and interacts well with the parents, the baby smells. If the baby is living in unhygienic surroundings and she smells, that is a priority. It does sound like the baby's Mum may be suffering from depression. I couldn't stand by and do nothing, I would have to have a gentle chat, to see if I could help the situation. Only the OP knows whether her daughter would appreciate this offer of help.

When I did my teacher training in Lancaster, I stayed in a room in a house of a family of 4 - 2 adults, 2 children. The Mum worked full time as a teacher and her Mum would come once a week and did all the washing, tidied up, anything that needed doing and made a big stew for everyone. Her daughter greatly appreciated it!

My DD has always been messy and rather lazy but she is an amazing mum yo our GS I think we all have different standards and it is not our place to judge. When I visit my DD I will go around picking stuff up whilst I tall to her, I will ask if she would like me to do anything and she says no sit down, I explain that I LOVE cleaning and it would be a pleasure to help. I suggest she takes her son for a nap or a walk to the park and I set to, both me and her MiL will always leave with a bag of washing! Neither of us judge her as she is good at what she can cope with and with ADHD is struggling with organising herself so a bit of help goes a long way.

It’s different standards. I’m aware mine are a bit slobbish. Clean when I absolutely have to. Then go for it. But I am with Joan Rivers: ‘Housework is so boring, I do it and then six months later, I have to do it again,’

I would suggest that you wash up, sweep the floor, put out the garbage and plump up any cushions on the sofa...these small tasks can make a place look so much tidier but not invasive. It's not just your daughter's home it is also her partners home too and with you coming in and cleaning up, without being asked, could cause a lot of awkwardness. Do the basics and then ask if there is anything else they would like help with. A bit of babysitting whilst they have a break sounds great.

My daughter has never been tidy and her house can be messy, but, it is her house, not mine. If she is happy living like that, and she is very happy with her life, then it is none of my business. Just enjoy your daughter, offer help but if it is refused then don't worry about it. Don't make an issue of it.

I might ask your daughter how she’s feeling, but I’d let them get on with the cleaning.

Surely it’s up to your son in law as well?

I can’t imagine having a new baby with lockdown/pandemic. The anxiety must be overwhelming.

Hopefully her partner is aware of she’s struggling and can help her talk to her dr if needed.

Please do not clean her house without permission on your next visit per some suggestions.

It's probably not so much the mess itself as the worry about your daughter's emotional and mental health that is concerning you. I think lockdown has got to us all in different ways and your daughter may well be experiencing a bout of depression, especially if she has struggled in the past.

I would try to keep in touch as much as you can - maybe don't probe too vigorously if she doesn't tend to open up about things, but give her plenty of opportunity to say how she is actually feeling.

I'm sure they would welcome either a day or two away if you babysit at the end of August or at least some time out together without the baby.

You could always say something like "If I've time while you're away, I'll do a wee bit of housework ( it's the only exercise I'm getting just now) - would it be more help if I did the kitchen or the bathroom?" or something that you know can sound fairly light-hearted without causing offence.

I know my children appreciate it if I manage to do some cleaning/washing/ironing while they're out but understand your daughter may be a bit fragile just now and see it as criticism.

Hopefully things will improve and your daughter will open up about her feelings if she needs help. Counselling can also be a huge support if she is willing to consider it.

The main thing is for her to know you are there for her, and will offer support without being judgemental.

[?Un]HappyBumbleBee,
sorry you have been feeling down and struggling recently.
but with 5 other people in the house why are you bearing the burden of housework ?
maybe you can get busy with your pen and clipboard to make some duty rotas.
all the best. take it easy, and don't feel bad about it. good luck.

My wonderful mum used to clean while she was talking to me and do my ironing while she was talking to me and take home washing when I had a baby then later a baby and a toddler. That then helped me get on top of stuff. My standards always slipped but less and less each time she came. She would then let me nap while she fussed over the baby/toddler which was so needed. Always ask first saying that you understand how much time and sleep babies take Tom you and then do stuff. Nobody likes anyone taking over but chatting while you work is a perfect combination.