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Hi.
So I’m really looking for some genuine advise I Am at a complete loss of what to do.
So my mother inlaw has always been wayyyy too much. She has no vision of boundaries what so ever and just runs away with whatever she wants to do with my children. It’s not always been “harmful” so I’ve let some of it go. Normal stuff of over feeding the kids junk spoiling them with the entire content of a shop bluh bluh bluh. To be honest I don’t really get my knickers in a twist about that kind of stuff. It’s annoying having my home overloaded with a million toys etc but I do understand it’s her time with the kids and that’s the best part of being a nan right. Get to get super nan and hand the parents the rubbish. That’s ok. I can deal with all of that.
But it does start to turn sinister and manipulative. She has issues. For one she has an alcohol problem. I wouldn’t consider her an alcoholic but there’s 100% an alcohol problem there. Both my mil and fil drink 6 nights a week and they don’t just have a drink. They get wasted. I think it’s through choice and not that they can’t stop but they just don’t want to stop. That’s an issue in its self that the entire family find a problem. Last year they got drunk with the kids. It was a whole thing they couldn’t get in the house because she was too drunk to get the keys out of her pocket.
She really does undermine me. I think she isn’t done with moherhood to be honest. She has always had this great attachment to my eldest daughter (the first grandchild) from the outside it probably looks like the favourite. But from the inside it’s more sinister than that. We have had our fair share of run ins over this. She over mothers getting involved where it wasn’t her place to. Majorly. Not just a little but I mean to the point She over takes my parenting role too much.
The thing is she’s my mother inlaw. I don’t want to dislike her but I can’t help it because her behaviour is crazy at times. She has cried at the dinner table for me putting my daughter into the naughty corner she has chased me down the road as I’ve left to go home pleading with me to leave my daughter with her. She’s pulled my daughter off me as I was tying to put her to bed. I won’t bore you with example after example but this list goes on and on of inappropriate behaviour from her.
The thing is I’m not a nan. And this is why I’m here. I’m desperate to try to understand her. We haven’t spoken for 2 years properly now. It causes problems between myself and my husband. I take it that it causes problems for him and his mum. I’ve tried talking to her. She is the one who is cut off from me. It’s like she ignores problems like they don’t exist because she’s embarrassed about it. The drinking she literally pretends like it doesn’t happen. I don’t let her have the kids on her own now because of it. I can’t trust her to be sober with my children so my husband stays over there for visits with them. When I politely have tried to deal with the issues she huffs at me and makes the whole thing hostile and uncomfortable. We don’t actually know each other very well even though I have been married to my husband for 12 years now. I have opened up to her a few times about my personal life. Things she wouldn’t just get from a conversation or face value in order to have a more in depth relationship with her. My mum died when I was young so to be honest I would absolutely love to have a mother inlaw to do the things with the children that I was never able to do with my own mum. I would love to have someone to share it with. But she takes the kids off to town or where ever and it’s clear I’m not invited. And When I have tried to arrange things which I have done a lot it’s always me that’s put the effort in.
To be totally frank I’m not that bothered about not having a relationship with her as such. I mean it’s sad but it’s not really personal to me. She’s not my mum so it’s not a direct effect on me as such. But it is an issue in my family home with the kids and my husband.
I just wish she would have some respect for me. Which believe me is zero. She often would make smart rude remarks. I’m sat In her house and she would make rude comments. I would say something back if it was anyone else but I kept quiet because it’s my husbands mum. But I didn’t deserve it.
I’ve tried to talk to my husband so many times about. He does agree with what I’m saying And he can see it. But his exact words are “ what do you want me to say, that’s my mum” most the time he just ignores anything I ever say so it’s just become that I do not see his family anymore. It’s completely broken down. If they come to our home I go to see my family/friends. If they visit they go without me and it’s been that way for 2 years now.
It’s almost like I just want to jump inside of her head and understand it. Which is why I’m here. Please be kind. I’m not looking for hostile opinions I want to try figure this out but I don’t know how.
I want Healthy boundaries Kept in place without her just steam rolling over me and taking it to unhealthy levels without being disrespected or rude towards me. I want her to understand she’s not “entitled” all of the time. I want her to understand that even if she doesn’t like me that I deserve to be listened to. If I say no to something then to listen to me. And it’s not about not giving my children too much cake. It’s more serious than that. I’m saying no to things I find manipulative. Like using my husbands dads minor illness to move back towards her. Or asking my daughter to sleep in bed with her when I said no to that (she’s 9 not a toddler)
She has issues but she’s not actually awful. There’s parts of her that get on my nerves but there’s parts of her I admire too. Again I have told her that but it went ignored. Her drinking is an issue but I’ve put my foot down and told them they can’t drink around my children and that stopped when We had the insident. I can’t stop them drinking but I don’t get drunk infront of my children I’m not allowing others to do that.
Just come constructive advice please. I don’t know how to move forward
Thankyou
having just read the OP again, it seems crystal clear to me, that if i were you i would not be allowing any contact between your children and GPs, except possibly limited visits in your house, in your presence.
you need to really shut down this woman's baneful influence. it is not healthy. go LC at least. good luck.
I feel very sorry for the OP and hope that she manages to resolve this problem. My post is addressed to the rest of you.
Something I don't understand is why so many of you want to treat your GC to sweets and cakes and buy them lots of toys. Why do you do this? You know (or should know) that sweets and cakes are not good for children (or adults).
As GPs the one thing you have to give is time. Time for all sorts of activities or time just to be quiet. Time is something that parents often don't have.
they are obviously trying to buy popularity. sadly.
Your MiL's erratic behaviour does sound as if it may be aggravated by alcohol. Because of that I think the advice upthread is something I would echo - if your DH can't stand up to MiL, she can manipulate him too, so I would never let my children visit without me there. Hard for you I know, but I think you need to show her that her GC have 2 parents who present a united front. And when your DH says 'what do you want me to do?', tell him! Give him a short, clear, written list if necessary and say something like 'I need you to do this because I"m your wife, you moved out of your mother's house years ago.' He may genuinely have no clue how to tackle the problem. Keep the rules simple - no drinking at any time when the children are visiting, no contradicting our rules, children have their own beds (if they really have to stay overnight, I'd be wary about letting them do that). Actually one of my AC wrote their rules down for me when DGC was pushing boundaries so we could present a united front - if you present it like that it might work for your MiL. If it doesn't, tell her that you will all have to leave if she can't support you, and do it.
My GP used to give us sweets and chocolate against my Mums wishes ( we loved it! ) My mum used to get very annoyed and rant all the way home, but I can honestly say as a kid I loved it and her ranting about my Nan made me think badly of her. The chocolate didn't do us any harm, but the bad atmospheres were upsetting as her and my Mum used to argue about things.
Don't let them babysit or be on their own with the kids because of their drinking. The course she did has clearly not helped because she is doing what she wants to do and doesn't WANT to change. She doesnt see why she should change because she doesnt see anything wrong with it (unfortunately)
Whatever you think of MiL try not to criticise her in front of the kids as they may be bonded to her The drinking is a real concern. Your husband needs to learn healthy boundaries, but it's likely that he has never had any as his parents seem to be addicted to alcohol. The advice about AA is good. She needs to respect your ways, but also maybe compromise, relax a bit and let her treat the kids on a specific day? It's not "healthy" but they will remember treats and happy times when they are older.
Lavazza1st
If she's an active addict, she's not safe around the children. Full stop. About 90% of alcoholics are functioning - they have jobs, lives, etc. Doesn't mean they are safe or healthy people. Frankly, until she has been in treatment and sober for several months, at least, I wouldn't be having the children around her PERIOD.
I see your POV @Agnurse. I havent had experience of an alcoholic in my family, so my view was a bit warm and fuzzy because of my own Grandma experience.
I think its going to be hard for the whole family as it affects every single one of them. I read a book about codependency once, which is common in alcoholics and their families tend to be enablers. I hope OP finds help and support.
I am wondering, could Social Services help?
I think you will find codependency and enabling spread through the general population
Listen here, love: No child should be in the company of adults who have been drinking!
You need to tell your parents-in-law, preferably with your husband endorsing the statement, that they are welcome when they are sober, but if they turn up having had a drink, even one, you will not let them into the house.
If you go to visit them, having been invited and they are drunk, you will turn right round and go home.
Doing this is hard. My niece did it with both her own mother and her mother-in-law, and her husband backed her up. Her mother finally stopped drinking, her mother-in-law never did, so never saw her grandsons.
Setting boundaries is easiest if your husband agrees with you, if not you have your work cut out to make him see sense.
Probably your in-laws can't stop drinking once they start, and no-one can entirely stop unless they want to. Alcoholism is hard to deal with, but you need to concentrate on your children and leave your adult in-laws to deal with their problem.
In your shoes I would take steps to deal with the alcohol problem first. People who get wasted, as you put it, 6 nights a week are alcoholics, no matter how much they may dress it up with excuses. Drinking to that excess at night means they are still drunk in the morning and a breathalyser would prove that. Therefore, they shouldn't be within spitting distance of your children. I was married to a man who became an alcoholic towards the end of our marriage. Alcohol doesn't just affect the liver it causes huge chances in the brain affecting a person's character and he became an aggressive bully, somebody I didn't know. This is likely the reason why your in-laws behaviour seems bizarre. You won't have any easy ride sorting this out but sort it out you must. You are your children's voice in all this and they must come first. Good luck.
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