My ex DIL is arranging boyfriends to pick up GC from day care

Whst are people talking about, kept his son, they have split up and presumably there are custody arrangements in place. I am afraid she is allowed to enter into a new relationship as hard as that might be to hear.

Unless there is a valid reason why your son should not have contact with his son ie. violence, then in today's world family judges will always prefer to share custody between parents. Sounds to me like she is either under the new boyfriend's thumb or she and possibly he may want to airbrush your son out of his child's life as much as possible. I am sure your son has his child's best interests at heart too. He must get good legal advice and stand his ground as firmly and calmly as possible. Good luck.

Annali you have my sympathy, it is hard to stand back and watch grown up children struggle with their lives. As others have said I would focus on staying neutral between your son and your grandchild's mother. Do you have a relationship with GC? If so I personally think that is the most constructive thing to spend time on & to develop. Bearing that in mind, maybe try to keep your DIL "on side" so you do not find yourself excluded from the child's life. The child needs your love and constancy - more than the adults I suspect.

Sorry that you are in this position Annali.

My thoughts are that you can support him just by being there for him to offload any worries he might have. And, if you’re in a position to, to support him financially to see a Solicitor again who specialises in divorce and parental rights. He (and you) need to know exactly where you stand because there’s no point in agonising over things that you absolutely have no control over and simply cannot change. You need to focus your energy on helping your Son to fight his corner on the things that he can change, not on the things he has no say over.

I feel for you and understand your anguish ?

My SIL had similar with an ex partner. He needs to try to get mediation between her and himself. My SIL was not successful in getting this process (she refused) so it all went to Court which was extremely distressing for all and was overseen by a very blinkered magistrate

There are so many of you to thank - I’m teary reading the kind and so very compassionate words you are writing to me. What fantastic advice from you. I am doing my utmost to support my son, financially too and have paid his lawyer fees. He does not have any issues with his ex having BF; he has well and truly moved on. His only interest is his child who he absolutely adores. He does seem him a couple of times a week. His ex wife is a a truly horrible person, very immature, narcissistic. As a family, we all have grave concerns about our GC welfare, being around this mother without the steadying influence of my son. But I do know I have no say or control. I am just giving all my love to my GS and providing a loving, safe place for him - and be a rock for my son. I haven’t spoken to the DIL at all

It's also important that the stepfather builds a positive relationship with the child, if the child is to be happy while in the mother's care. So I'd suggest to that your son tries to convey respect for the stepfather's role and make him feel included as a parent so as to maintain his positive attitude to matters surrounding the child.

I know as a mother you can have a male checked by the police under Clares law. Can you do that as a father or grandparent??
This may allay some fears??
It sounds like a very difficult situation all round.
Your grandchild deserves not to be caught up in adults at war. I hope they can work this out without affecting the child ?

yes, you are right, anyone would be a mess having their child taken over by the new man in your sons life, Support your son, ,empathise as best you can and try not to take sides,difficult, but no one knows what goes on inside relationships.
If i was in your sons shoes, my level of anger would be so high
towards his ex and new man, Im sorry that this has happened.

Are these collections happening on her time with the child? If so, unless you have reason to believe he is a danger to the child (criminal record etc) there is nothing your son can do.

Does your son have 50:50 shared care?

Bibbity, you sound very bitter. And yes, separation when there are children can lead to all sorts of insoluble heart rending problems.
However, to say that a father has no right to question who is looking after his child, and thus the opportunity to check that they are not a threat to the child in any way, is wrong.
Granted that, if there are then no indications of unsuitability, he will have to grit his teeth and bear it. And as some have said, the wiser ( and harder) course is to try very hard to develop a positive relationship with both his ex and her new partner, in the hope that he will be given access readily.

If your DIL is a unsuitable parent and your son is at risk.As you mentioned welfare social services have been involved. Your son can apply through the courts for full custody. A friend of mine did this has his ex girlfriend was a druggie and the child was deemed at risk.He is now a happy little boy been brought up by his dad with a lot of help from my friend mom.They make a lovely family

meant grandson

This is v bad advice. Please do not try to discuss with the school. You have no legal standing and it is likely to inflame the situation . Leave it to your son to deal with.

I would get your son to ask the solicitor to request a (Disclosure used to be called a CRB ) for the boyfriend. This would say if there was any police charges/concerns re boyfriends background. They are used extensively for working with children, for jobs with vunearable people, foster carers etc.
It costs about £65 and is a perfectly reasonable request from a parent.

I am by far bitter. I am married to the freer of my children and have no previous negative experience.
I am purposely being gay factual. Not emotional. Because that’s what the courts will look at.

He can check. He can use Sarah’s law.
And that’s about it. He can’t not make any demands on his Ex to meet or vet this man. He can not say he isn’t allowed to do XYZ on her time and he can not stop her putting her child in his car.
Because that’s what the Op is about.
He is having his time with his child.
This relationship does not appear to be infringing on his time and as such it’s not very clear one what his actual claim against his Ex is.

Again don’t waste money on a solicitor.

www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sofd/child-sex-offender-data-sarahs-law/

Here is the link that can assist him on checking anything.
He will not be handed any records as these are confidential.
However he will be informed wether or not he may pose a threat to a child.

Sorry if this has been said before, but are you in the UK, only some of the wording sounds like you are in the US, where things maybe different.
Bibbity I dont think it is a waste of time or money to get a letter sent to the ex. His concerns are now put in writing if anything goes wrong.

It’s a waste of money because the same concerns could’ve been written by him in an email and still carried the same weight.

I was in a similar situation many many years ago and was extremely upset when my ex husband straight away mixed my children with his new partner. I can reasssure you that my children have grown up to be fine wonderful people, with close relationships with all their extended family. I can only ask what you would think if your DS started a relationship with a new lady that you've met and really liked. Would you be doing all the checks on her, would you not allow her to be alone with your DGS if they lived together? This time will pass. Support your DS but don't alienate your DiL either.

I think you have to work with it as much as possible because the parent with the child does hold the power and will win any power battle. I think you have to be on his side but don't encourage him to be angry and confrontational but to show him how to work with his ex, not against. you get some solicitors who will work by encouraging a kind, inclusive style and others who like firing off letters threatening all sorts of stuff a court/social services can't enforce. I was a child protection social worker and you see lots of battles between ex's & it becomes expensive and helps an unhelpful atmosphere if both play out their possibly justifiable anger

@Annali, with respect, you have only one side of the story. DIL is entitled to have boyfriends and 2 in 6 months isn't excessive; your headline suggests that she has several random bfs who take turns in picking him up which isn't the case. Your post doesn't mention how much contact you or your DS have with your GC and appears to be mainly a criticism of your DIL. Under the Children Act 1989, the child's welfare is paramount, not your DS's (or DIL's). Your DS must have had faith in your DIL's parenting ability and decision making or he would surely not have left your GC in her care?

Unless your DS & DIL had agreed that he would pick up GC from daycare, which would mean DIL is effectively changing that arrangement or DS has evidence the BF is a danger to the child, then he really doesn't have much of a case. It reads more like DS is feeling like he's losing control of the situation and is angry with his ex. You don't know her position or views.

You don't mention what contact you have with your GC, however, as others have said trying to appear neutral & maintaining a positive relationship with your DIL, is the best way of keeping contact with your GC and of being a positive figure in your GC's life. It's also better for your GC that the adults in his life try to put away their own hurts and work together to parent him. Good luck

Hasn't this been discussed previously on here? Someone's always at their 'wits end' with something on this site. Usually over something that can just be solved with some common sense.?Unless you know something about this 'other man',which could endanger the child, then you must leave it up to both child's parents I'm afraid.Neither will thank you for interfering.

I would welcome checks on new people in a child's life; I certainly wouldn't be happy with them having sole charge.

I too would feel uncomfortable but mum does have the right to a new relationship and that new relationship will be involved in the child's life. The timescales for this I might have done differently but I don't know how long she has known her new partner.

I would repeat what others say and stay neutral, encourage your son to keep things friendly with the mother of his child. A good coparenting relationship is what is best for the child and the court route causes a lot of stress and upset for everyone involved, including any children. It really should be a last resort if he is not getting fair scheduled contact.