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My ex DIL is arranging boyfriends to pick up GC from day care

(117 Posts)
Annali Sat 26-Sep-20 06:21:20

Hello everyone
I’m at my wits end with worry for my son and 2 yr GC. Long story short - the relationship has broken down, they are seperated and DIL has new boyfriend (a couple actually in past 6 months). She has told my son that in future, her current BF will be picking up GC from daycare. My son knows nothing about this new man in GC life. My son has been seen lawyer and a letter will soon be sent to DIL re: law about joint guardianship and need to include my son in decisions re: welfare of GC. DIL is persisting - through series of texts - that she will do what she sees right for ‘her child’. My son is an emotional and anxious mess. How do I help him?

NotSpaghetti Sat 26-Sep-20 07:46:30

Does he normally have contact with the daycare and does he usually do the collecting?

tanith Sat 26-Sep-20 07:51:45

This is likely to be first in a string of disagreements between them sad to say it doesn’t get easier as things go on and GC grows up. In my experience its best to try to stay neutral, very hard I know but if they’ve fallen out big time you may still have contact with GC. It sounds very acrimonious as lawyers are already involved.
Best scenario is for the 3 adults to meet to discuss how to go forward with childs best interests at heart. This I know is not easy but this situation will go from bad to worse if they cannot put the child first, but some people just can’t be agreeable. I feel very sorry for you standing on the sidelines is very hard. Good luck and I’m sorry if my post isn’t helpful.

Daisymae Sat 26-Sep-20 08:07:02

Yes, as has been said stay neutral and calm. He's unlikely to get his way over this and it is one of the consequences of splitting up. Encourage him to develop good communication with his ex as she will be in his life for a long time to come. They need a strategy to ensure that the child is affected as little as possible and warring parents will not help.

sodapop Sat 26-Sep-20 08:46:08

I agree with the last two posters, your son and daughter in law need to find amicable way to share the care of their son Annali . If you can support them in this that would be the best way forward. It's very hard to stand by and see things going wrong for your family I know. Your grandson will benefit from having a safe and loving place with you.

TopsyIrene06 Sat 26-Sep-20 09:21:23

You have every right to worry about someone you don’t know picking up your grandchild.
My heart goes out to you but your instincts are spot on. Just love your son and support him as you are doing.
It’s not right - so sorry.

crazygranny Sat 26-Sep-20 09:46:14

I am so very sorry for your terrible sadness and worry.

Bibbity Sat 26-Sep-20 09:48:51

He shouldn’t have wasted his money in that pointless letter.
She can just throw it in the bin. It holds zero power.

What is she doing that is actually infringing on his PR?
What she does on her time is actually her business and she does not need to involve him in her personal life.
Do I agree with introducing multiple partners in a short space of time? No.

However there is no law that says she can’t. And she absolutely does not have to run her relationships Past your son.
She does not need his approval or to consult him on who she introduces to her son or who she involves in their lives during her Time.

He needs a bit of a reality check. Or the next 18 odd years are going to be seriously toxic.

NotSpaghetti Sat 26-Sep-20 09:53:19

All this is why I was trying to find our what was "normal" for the pick-up. If it's already been decided that your son should pick up his little one it's very different to your daughter-in-law simply making arrangements for her own part of her own life.

Bibbity Sat 26-Sep-20 09:53:27

Best scenario is for the 3 adults to meet to discuss how to go forward with childs best interests at heart

I think this is very bad advice. Why 3? Were 3 involved in the conception?

The child has two parents. And they alone should be the ones to discuss their child. Any outside interference, especially one so biased is only going to add fuel to the fire.

Naninka Sat 26-Sep-20 09:58:45

My heart goes out to you. The only thing I can say is keep your arms and heart open to your son and GC. Give them a warm, safe, comfortable retreat and try to stay neutral. Don't criticise the Mum in front of the GC, listen and love your son. Children grow and they will invariably gravitate to those who have offered them comfort and unconditional love. Sorry, so hard. x

Annali Sat 26-Sep-20 10:05:35

You are so kind, thank you very much for your responses. The BF hasn’t picked GC up yet. My son is worried about safety
of his child. He will be driving GC, putting to bed etc. He surely has a right to know who is in his child’s life and if he is safe? As for the mother, she really is a shocker. She does not put GC first and there have been a few examples of this I won’t go into. I fear very much for my GC welfare, generally.

Phloembundle Sat 26-Sep-20 10:08:54

I would never have introduced another man to my son so soon into a new relationship. He has lost his father, and if the relatioship fails, he will lose another person he may have grown to love. It's so sad.

Naninka Sat 26-Sep-20 10:09:52

Please discuss your concerns privately with school. They will treat with confidentiality and look out for mood changes, bruises, verbal inconsistencies... get them involved. They will be vigilant.

Dressagediva123 Sat 26-Sep-20 10:11:24

Does your son have PR ?
If he is on the BC he will have.
If he does then he will have a say in decision making including access to the nursery etc
His first port of call would be a mediation service - it can be sorted out by mediation / if Mum is unwilling to engage with the service / they will issue a court form / then he can take the matter to court . Hope that’s helpful

Bibbity Sat 26-Sep-20 10:12:12

He surely has a right to know who is in his child’s life and if he is safe?

No he doesn’t.
Welcome to the joys of separation.

Is he can prove that one individual poses a direct threat to his child. Eg a convicted child sex offender. Then he would have standing to challenge it.

But saying he doesn’t know them and wants information regarding them isn’t good enough.
The courts allow each parent to use their own judgment.
She will be allowed to form relationships independent of him and then use her judgment on the involvement of her child.
He does not get a say.
He doesn’t get to verify anyone. He doesn’t get a say of who’s car the child is in. He doesn’t get a say on who he visits.

Minerva Sat 26-Sep-20 10:12:21

This is not a situation that I would like but Annali you need to keep right out of it in the hope of retaining a relationship with your little grandson. If your DL and boyfriend are living together then he has presumably got to know the boyfriend and being collected from daycare by him is a practical decision. If that means his dad can no longer collect him and his rights of access are being denied that is a different matter.

It is a very sad situation for you and your son and you can only comfort him and hope for the best.

EllanVannin Sat 26-Sep-20 10:14:19

Unless the interest and welfare of the child is put first, neither parent will be allowed to involve themselves with the child, particularly the child's mother and her present behaviour.
Tread carefully. If it's legal and should there be a court case then it's the judge's decision, nobody else's.

A child is never a bargaining tool !

mousemac Sat 26-Sep-20 10:20:18

Are your son and the GC's mother married?

Whatdayisit Sat 26-Sep-20 10:22:12

What is the arrangement that your son has in place for time with his dd? Can he increase it and get shared care?
Both parents have rights to equal parental responsibility even if it means leaving work earlier to do school pickups. Its normal for kids now to spend more time with Dad's through the week if they want to.
Yes it can be harder keeping to these arrangements but worth doing if dad isn't happy about who is picking dc up.
The best thing he can do is go for more access and have it set by the court.

Whatdayisit Sat 26-Sep-20 10:25:23

Sorry i have stated daughter when you put GC.

eazybee Sat 26-Sep-20 10:25:34

It is difficult.
She has notified your son about this man, and is continuing to keep him informed; as mother she has joint care and control.
Better for him to meet with his estranged wife and discuss things face to face, and possibly meet the new man, rather than involve lawyers.
I doubt he has the authority to forbid this arrangement, unless the man is deemed unsuitable, which will be very difficult to establish.
Keep as neutral as possible; it is the child's welfare which is paramount.

Yanny601 Sat 26-Sep-20 10:28:14

Your son's ex partner isn't right here, if your son usually picks up his son from daycare then he should continue to do this as joint guardianship of the child. The new person in his ex-partners life ,hasn't the right to pick the child up ,and his ex has no right to approve this arrangement without your son's permission. Texting to say otherwise is wrong and selfish behaviour by his ex. Two things he can do , one tell the daycare the child is not to be picked up by anyone other then him or his ex, without his knowledge. He is to get an immediate call if this ever occurs. Second option is to go to court to settle the arrangement ,and until the arrangement is settled he continues to collect child , and ex has to agree to the decision. Good luck . By the way .I don't think you should keep out of it ,you might be helpful in helping his ex , if your calm and talk sensibly to her. Good luck again.

Jillybird Sat 26-Sep-20 10:31:23

Of course your poor son is distraught. If my husband had 'kept' my son when we split up and introduced a new woman into my baby's life I should have been incandescent with pain and rage. How would the mother feel if the situation was reversed?
Despite Bib's unusual responses above, I'm sure the child's welfare comes first, but the parents' welfare is also considered. No-one has the right to part a loving parent from their child. Said child will resent his biological dad being pushed out - if not now, when he is older. I'm glad your boy has legal help.

Illte Sat 26-Sep-20 10:34:09

Naninka the school cannot discuss a child with a Grandparent in a case like this, without permission from both parents.

What do you know about the new partner that makes you think your Gc will be at risk?