My ex DIL is arranging boyfriends to pick up GC from day care

My ex husband introduced our DC to his now wife as soon as he told me about her, 8 months after he left.
She always hated me and took it out on two year old DC who changed from being carefree to a much less confident little soul.
Nearly 40 years later DC is still intimidated by this woman. I was so shocked to realise my ex was so spineless to allow this person to verbally abuse our child. When I eventually learned of it because of her smacking DC I went to mediation as they would not guarantee that they would not smack, especially as it was over something DC had no control over. Ex DH and I had agreed we wouldn't smack when we were a couple. I stopped access until I got a guarantee they would stop. There is a lot lot more to it.
I am just saying our precious kids are so vulnerable. In this case it's not just pick up from nursery but putting the DGC to bed too. By someone DIL has known less than 6 months? Makes me very sad.
I had a few boyfriends over the years but never left them in charge of DC. Sending positive vibes to OP, good luck perhaps ask son to get a Sarah's law or Claire's law request.

My heart goes out to you Annali

My son's marriage ended last Christmas and I'm dreading the time my ex dil finds a boyfriend. I want her to be happy, obviously, but worry about my 2 gds

Your dil is entitled to new relationships and your son has to realise that. It is inevitable that new partners will become involved in your gc’s life and both sides have to accept it. Your son cannot control what your dil does and quite rightly so!

I think this very much depends on where your grandchild lives.

If he lives all the time with his mother, I don't think there is anything much your son can do. If the child lives half the time with each parent, then your son obviously decides who picks him up when he is with him, but not otherwise.

I doubt a solicitor would write a letter if it has no effect. What did he say your son's rights in this matter are?

Support your son, but do not mention the matter to your former DIL if you see her.

To me, it would be reasonable if your son met this man who is now involved in his son's life, but I doubt the law sees it that way, so there is probably nothing your or he can do.

Really if the child's mother is now living with this man, it makes not one jot of difference whether she or he picks up the child, as the child will be with this man anyhow.

Conciliation services helped my son in the first throws of separation I think they have strong powers

But we dont know she has elevated him to stepfather status do we? He is picking him up from school, working parents make lots of arrangements to pick children up

Galaxy poster says ‘putting him to bed’ Sounds like a step father role to me

Unfortunately, some women use children as punishment against the anger they feel toward an ex partner/husband. If my understanding is correct, the state determines the welfare of the child paramount. As solicitor's already involved your son should be receiving advice from them concerning the BF's involvement with regard to the child's safety. I would certainly want his background to be closely looked into.

twinnytwin

I was in a similar situation many many years ago and was extremely upset when my ex husband straight away mixed my children with his new partner. I can reasssure you that my children have grown up to be fine wonderful people, with close relationships with all their extended family. I can only ask what you would think if your DS started a relationship with a new lady that you've met and really liked. Would you be doing all the checks on her, would you not allow her to be alone with your DGS if they lived together? This time will pass. Support your DS but don't alienate your DiL either.

Agree with you. I was also in the same situation years ago

As hurtful as it is when either parent enters other relationships, and the op says daughter in law has had two partners in the last six months, you can't keep spending money out for police checks.
I had to accept the partners that my ex had and that my young children would be with them for the access that he had.
This kind of situation isn't easy and more times than none, the shit hits the fan.
Be supportive but stay neutral.

Just to reinforce what others have said about staying neutral.

Many years ago when my brother and SIL split up (5 children, one of whom was a toddler) it became bitter. As part of the divorce agreement my brother was granted access to the children on Saturdays. As and when the children reached the age of 12 they could decide whether they wanted to see their father and each one said no when the time came. When they were younger my SIL would make excuses as to why he couldn't see them. He accepted this as regards the older children because she had already turned them against him. He hoped that it would be different with the younger ones and so he went back to court several times - he was paying his fees, she was on legal aid. Eventually the judge told her that if she appeared in court again she would be in contempt.

I think he has some sort of relationship with his children now - the eldest is over 40 - but I'm not sure as I have not had contact with him for many years.

I'm sure that things are different now but it is very important for you and your son not to alienate his ex.

Annali, you and your son may find the following useful

www.separateddads.co.uk/can-get-background-check-ex-new-partner.html

A family member left with three children under the age of five. Whenever a court hearing due regarding maintenance her husband took himself abroad on business. Their much admired mother recommenced training she gave up on marriage and worked to provide a happy home life. No BFs, she believed her responsibility wholly too her children. Now retired, and her children successful adults who speak often of their happy childhood, reward enough.

As an outsider, I have watched an acrimonious divorce settle into a relatively amicable relationship between the two parents. Child care arrangements were made, difficult at first but became increasingly flexible as the parents began to trust each other; both found new partners who are very fond of the children, and it is reciprocal. The grandparents and families were carefully neutral, apart from one exception, still trying unsuccessfully to stir up trouble. The only problem now is that the children are in danger of being seriously spoilt by the raft of new honorary grandparents and cousins and sisters and aunts lining up to provide treats and presents.
It was hard at first, with some deliberate provocation, but all concerned tried hard to be reasonable, or bit their lip. It is not perfect, but most importantly, the children seem happy and secure, and are surrounded by love.
Worth holding your tongue and watching and waiting.

Perfectly said eazybee.

I have a young friend here who has been in a similar situation. Her new BF (now husband) bonded really well with her 10 year old daughter from day one- and he took a full part in her life and education, and picking up from school, babysitting often, etc. Her previous partner was not happy about it (despite them having split up years ago)- and yet- we trusted new partner 100%, as surrogate grandparents. Jut depends ont he situation and the new BF/partner. Annali- are your concerns truly based on his character and/or real info as to his person- or just sheer prejudice because of your son?

does your son or you have enough money to employ a private investigator to do some background checks on this person. police checks will only shew if he has relevant convictions. other concerning information is either not disclosable or not held by police.
i can see why you might be worried.
most abuse of children is by mother's partners.

What about thinking about it like this:
If your son is a good man and your daughter in law married him, then it is more than likely that the boyfriend is a good man as well.

but OP has suggested that the boy' mother is leading a somewhat chaotic life.

Iake this to court or rather your DS should.

Even if the worst outcome was to happen your DGS will grow up and be able to see that his father fought to see him
plus there is a good chance that DIL might see sense and agree to joint parent
If her life is chaotic she might also find it better for her to work with your son for childcare.

Don't give up and remain as loving.
Does Dil oppose you seeing our DGS ? I hope you can even if it is not very often you can build with this.
Just do not express any anger towards Dil

Hello you wonderful grans. I’m overwhelmed at the amazing advice you have given me. I have read every single post and listened to you all.
My son only wants protect his child; has no interest in his ex at all. He is happier now than he has been during the tumultuous marriage; his only anxiety his access to and protection of his child. The mother is what is often called ‘ an unfit mother’ . There is evidence but this is something my son does not want to give to courts unless he has to. The family lawyer he has engaged has assured him he has equal guardian rights and has pointed out to him where his ex has not included him in decisions - and that she must obtain consent from him if she is making decisions that affect GC well-being, safety - I.e. who is caters are when both parents are not around. Another bone of contention is the mother refuses GC any vaccinations. My son want her to receive them, some at least. The mother has told him he has no say as he doesn’t see his child more than twice a week - as she has recently moved further away from him and he works long hours and cannot get to see GC after work. She did not seek his consent or agreement to move further away from him - about 30 mins drive. She is sharing house with flat mates - single women- my son knows nothing about. This is some of the context.

He really does want to sort amicably, truly. But he has felt backed into a corner; this latest about new BF being a carer after day care is final straw. His ex has told him to butt out and she will do what she likes

i think he can certainly apply to the court re the vaccinations, and he would be likely to win.
but i guess it costs money to o to court.
or are there any self-help groups that might be able to advise him.
if she really is an unfit mother, should she be left in charge of a barely verbal child.

Annali

Hello everyone
I’m at my wits end with worry for my son and 2 yr GC. Long story short - the relationship has broken down, they are seperated and DIL has new boyfriend (a couple actually in past 6 months). She has told my son that in future, her current BF will be picking up GC from daycare. My son knows nothing about this new man in GC life. My son has been seen lawyer and a letter will soon be sent to DIL re: law about joint guardianship and need to include my son in decisions re: welfare of GC. DIL is persisting - through series of texts - that she will do what she sees right for ‘her child’. My son is an emotional and anxious mess. How do I help him?

They sound like youngish parents. Or the mother is. Grandparents have rights to see their grandchildren and so does the father. Especially if he's on the birth certificate. I am wondering if the bf works, if he's available to pick up from daycare. Hope GC is not in a nursery all day, everyday with bf picking them up. All single parent mothers, I do believe, have a right to ask a police station for a background check on anyone they are dating, to ascertain the persons suitability to be in the family home. Cant remember what it's called. If I were grandparent I would make my services more available, ie, having child at weekends etc to keep a steady eye on the situation. Sorry I cant be any further help.

grandparents do not have any rights to see GC, except where there is a court order to that effect, which is rare.

I support Bibbity and her realistic comments.

Picking up from school is nothing.
What would happen if your ex dil and bf are living together (which she has the right to, btw)?

Your son has to get used to that during her custody time, she will do things he wont like.
During your son's custody time, he and tou will do things she wont like.
Unless the child is in danger, there is nothing you can do to control the actions of the other parent when it's not your time.

Why did your son have a child with somebody so easy to dislike and not fit to be a mother? I am sure there were signs before.

Why did they break up? How long were they together and how many of them married?

"The mother is what is often called ‘ an unfit mother’ . There is evidence but this is something my son does not want to give to courts unless he has to. "

I am side eyeing your son so much.
If he is so distraught and terribly worried about his son, this IS the time to bring up the evidence in court.
What is he waiting for?

The behaviour in a divorce does not come in a vacuum. It amplifies the misunderstandings and sore points of the relationship when the couple was together.

Your ex dil could be not such a nice person but your son is not a saint either.

Furthermore, having 2 boyfriends in 6 months is not that unusual - your message insinuates some shameful indictment behaviour that should be used against her.

For example, she may have known her new bf from a long time ago and were friends for years before choosing to engage in a romantic relationship.

Maybe some friends introduced them and they are perfect for each other, who knows.

Indecent, not indictment