New grandma feeling left out and inadequate

Why don't you invite them over to yours for a night, or lunch... Having visitors is stressful with a baby. They might jump at the chance to have a meal cooked for them and a bit of spoiling.

I totally understand how you are feeling, as I went through the exact same emotions myself when our first GC came along. We've always had a great relationship with our son, DiL, and her parents but, unfortunately, I let my emotions run away with me, and started to compare the other GPs, and the time they spent with our GC, to us. I'm not proud to say that I became jealous and upset. Occasionally, not without reason, but that's another story.

I pulled my emotions into check, and I'm delighted to say that we all now have a great family relationship ... in-laws included. Take it from one who knows, it's completely natural for emotions to run high at times like this. However, I now realize that it's really not worth getting yourself so upset, or jealous over. I bitterly regret allowing myself to feel that way.

You'll have years to forge a relationship with your lovely grandchild, so let your son and DiL have time to settle into their new roles as parents, and just simply let them know that they can always ask for your help if they need you anytime. . just And, whenever you want to visit, always check with them first to make sure it's convenient, and if it isn't, just ask them to let you know when it would be.

Most importantly, never, ever compare yourselves to the other grandparents. I remember my own grandparents, who had completely different backgrounds, one set wealthy, the others poor but happy. I used to do completely different things with them, but I adored them all equally. And the same goes for my own children with their grandparents.

A sensible post from Nansnet . Remember you are there for the long game and you have plenty of time to make the relationship. Just make sure that you have a nice time with your granddaughter when you see her.
I am surprised that people seem to have ignored lockdown rules. We didn’t see our grandson for 17 weeks. He wasn’t talking at the start of lockdown , and not much interested in FaceTime, and there was a huge difference afterwards as he now chats away and we are firm favourites.
I discovered with a volunteering job that all you have to do with a toddler to become best friend is to give them your undivided attention. The other grandparents may see more of them but it is quality not quantity that counts.
You make your own relationship- don’t compare.

Thank you so much to those respondents who felt the need to point out that we are living with a deadly virus (incase I had forgotten) I must put your minds at rest and let you know that our visits are and were ALWAYS within the guidelines which I do refer to in my post. Thank you

ClaireAB - My children have house keys and have always behaved as if this was still their home which we encourage, We have decorated a spare room and bought a cot... they know they can stay whenever they choose. When they visit they usually pop in to see us for lunch before heading off to spend the rest of the day and overnight with her family. We are grateful for their visit.

While it is sad for your MiL, she is unfortunately reaping what she's sowed. To be so lost in her 50s ( the age I am now) is unfortunate. Most people that age are still looking ahead to another 10-15 years of work.

If she's never worked, there is little chance of her finding paid employment, but maybe she chould consider volutary work. It sounds as if she needs to be needed. So many organisations would welcome her with open arms. Schools, as 121 reading support, hospital visiting, charities. It sounds as if she loves children, so something with them.

Such a sad thing, to have nothing of her own life other than her children.

Oops, sorry! Wrong page. Ignore my comment please.

Maymay1963

ClaireAB - My children have house keys and have always behaved as if this was still their home which we encourage, We have decorated a spare room and bought a cot... they know they can stay whenever they choose. When they visit they usually pop in to see us for lunch before heading off to spend the rest of the day and overnight with her family. We are grateful for their visit.

That's great.

Ah. This is possibly a bit of a red flag:

"We have decorated a spare room and bought a cot"

Have a wander over to Mumsnet and see the posts about this from the other perspective. New mums really do not seem to like it when their DM/MIL buys a cot and decorates a room in their own house, it's seen as pushy and presumptuous, and it puts pressure on them. It's not your baby, it's theirs. You don't need a nursery and a cot. I think most new mums feel very protective of their baby and are very sensitive to DM/MIL trying to over-involve themselves.

Spot on, dances with others

That jumped out to me too

We have one granddaughter (4y).
Paternal grandmother isn't hands-on involved, her choice, although she's local to them.
We are the maternal grandparents who treat them to holidays, do bathtime and stories (always granddaughter's choice as to who gets the honour!), sleepovers (not currently obviously). We're also the ones at a distance.
Even so we don't visit or them come to us more often than every month to six weeks generally. Daughter and partner both work and have their own things to do at the weekends, as do we.
When we do visit we stay in a hotel so no extra work for them.

Just give your son and daughter-in-law time, let them find their feet and let them set the pace. Make sure when you do go that you take a cake, or offer to treat them to a takeaway or even babysit for the evening, don't forget you're visiting mum and dad as well.
Congratulations to all of you ?

As a recent new mom, I will tell you that I would have gone nuts if my MIL tried to visit every weekend. I probably would have told her off by the 2nd weekend. New families need time to themselves to adjust, to learn their new normal. Without visitors, even if you consider yourself family and not a visitor. You are a visitor in their home.

Your first update saying that you read the comments & would readjust your expectations was hopeful. However, you just updated again and admitted to decorating a room in your home and buying a cot. You live one hour away, why would this be necessary? Your DIL likely feels like you’ve overstepped. I would if I were her. I’m incredibly close to my parents and even they didn’t do that. Your expectations are much too high. This is THEIR baby, not yours. You need to accept their very reasonable boundaries before you find yourself only being allowed to visit once a quarter.

I don’t see decorating/having a cot as a huge overstep assuming “you” werent told not to and don’t put pressure/guilt on parents to use it.

My mother had a room set up for my kids, but if she’d every guilted me over them not using it, I’d have told her it was her choice to pay to set it up, not mine.

It’s so hard being the paternal grandparents. You will always feel left out and won’t have such a close relationship with your grandchild. It’s heartbreaking. Yes it’s natural for your DIL to gravitate more towards her own mother especially if their relationship is good, but you are often left out in the cold and rebuffed if you ask to share in your grandchild’s life.
It’s best not to push too much but it is painful when you have overwhelming love for your precious grandchild. You may always be the last resort when they ask for help and feel very left out.
It hurts, because that is where we find ourselves.

However, you just updated again and admitted to decorating a room in your home and buying a cot. You live one hour away, why would this be necessary?

The OP has the right to decorate a room in her own home in any way she chooses; if she wants to put a cot, a futon or a double bed in it, that's her prerogative. But having done that, she can't force anyone to go and sleep in it. As for you live one hour away, why would this be necessary? I live less than 10 minutes away from my GC and they squabble over who's turn it is to have a sleepover at Granny's house!

I used to love sleeping at my nans, and she lived 6 doors away.

Me too MissA!

What? I never saw you sleeping at my nans!
She's mine. Find your own.

Typical!

Harriet4

It’s so hard being the paternal grandparents. You will always feel left out and won’t have such a close relationship with your grandchild. It’s heartbreaking. Yes it’s natural for your DIL to gravitate more towards her own mother especially if their relationship is good, but you are often left out in the cold and rebuffed if you ask to share in your grandchild’s life.
It’s best not to push too much but it is painful when you have overwhelming love for your precious grandchild. You may always be the last resort when they ask for help and feel very left out.
It hurts, because that is where we find ourselves.

This is why you need to build a good relationship with you son and DIL.

Your son will be more willing to invite you over.

A woman on her own time can see whoever she chooses. It’s not a slight against paternal grandparents

Some good advice on here.It’s natural to feel a bit jealous I think, but am sure you will see more of the baby as she grows up.For all you know, your DIL may not really want to see quite as much of her Mother either.She may be grateful to you for not constantly wanting to be there.

There are so many red flags here that if you were my MIL, I would pull way back from you. Let me shed some light onto how a DIL might perceive your actions.

You live an hour away, so there is no reason for overnight visits. An hour is a day trip.

You say you want to stay overnight to help with bath time. That is a parent’s job. There is no reason for a grandparent to request time with a naked baby. A DIL would see that as you trying to play mommy with her child, or you being creepy...neither is good.

When you say you decorated a room in your home, do you mean a guest room or a nursery? Because if you set up a nursery in your home for another woman’s child, that is a HUGE no no. You are driving your DIL to take space from you and are risking losing your weekly visits. You are coming on WAY too strong. Back off and give your son’s new family some space, and they will come back to you. Keep pushing and they will keep pulling back.

Maymay1963 says:

'our visits are and were ALWAYS within the guidelines'

so, assuming she's in a 'medium risk' area (where indoor visiting is allowed) that may be (technically) true.

However, weekly visits - and ignoring social distancing - still seems selfish and reckless to me.

Why not join all the grandparents who are sticking to Zoom meetings and staying well away from their grandchildren, to be on the safe side?

to help with bath time. That is a parent’s job. There is no reason for a grandparent to request time with a naked baby. A DIL would see that as you trying to play mommy with her child, or you being creepy...neither is good

Dear me!

Madgran77, my thoughts exactly about MamaBear20s post ... Dear me!

When I went to stay with my son & DiL, they couldn't wait for me to bath my GC, so they could put their feet up and have a rest!

I think some mums actually forget that all of us grans are in fact DiLs ourselves, and we've all had children. We know how it feels to be a DiL, and a mother ... and also how it feels to be a grandparent. Many of us have been through the exact same scenarios that young mothers are going through now. And, indeed, they will go through some of the same scenarios we are experiencing, when they eventually become grandparents.

Perhaps we all would do well to take a step back occasionally, to make sure we're not overstepping the mark, and to make sure we aren't being unkind in anyway. At the end of the day, we all want what's best for our children/grandchildren, and surely that means having a harmonious relationship with all the in-laws. There's no need to make anyone feel upset, pushed out, jealous ... and there's no need to be over-bearing, over-protective or unkind.