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daughter and granddaughter living with me. Daughter is hard to get along with

(123 Posts)
binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 16:35:28

Since the beginning of Covid daughter and granddaughter age 3 have been living with me. My daughter says that she is the one parenting her. I say of course. However things like this happen all the time. My granddaughter grabs a cucumber off table and takes a big bite. I take it out of her hands, she has a melt down. I cut off a big piece of cucumber for her, she's still melting. My daughter comes in and gives her the whole cucumber. She says "It's our cucumber and she can have what she wants, I'm the parent" I just don't know what to do. She is mean to me in front of my granddaughter whom I love. It seems she is setting no boundaries but my daughter calls it "peaceful parenting" There is such a thing. I took it out of her hands as I knew she would take a bite and leave it on floor. So when I do anything that comes natural to me, would never disipline her or be mean but I am in a conumdrum since they are living with me. what do I do?.

Madgran77 Thu 05-Nov-20 16:50:32

Can you give examples of what your daughter does or says when she is mean to you? It would help in trying to make suggestions and advice for you

Grandmabatty Thu 05-Nov-20 17:01:11

Why are they living with you? Are you vulnerable or providing child care? Regardless, I feel they would be better back in their own home as it seems very tense. If you don't get along with your dd, why did you decide to have her live with you? Or are the tensions only since they moved in? Of course it is your daughter who is the parent and her wishes are paramount in how she brings up her child. But I wouldn't be happy about food getting wasted. And, it is your house therefore your rules to an extent. I think you need to communicate with your dd and both of you agree/compromise on rules while they live with you.

PollyDolly Thu 05-Nov-20 17:15:38

Your house......your rules! So your daughter says she is the parent........why is she not in the room supervising her child then? Stand up to your daughter and set the boundaries before she destroys you. Food isn't a plaything either, you did the right thing in removing the cucumber and daughter was out of order giving the whole thing back to the child! As I said.... your house your rules!

Hithere Thu 05-Nov-20 17:25:00

I would also like more examples

The cucumber:
1. Have you heard of threenagers? Your gd is behaving like one and it is normal
2. Who bought the cucumber?
3. By taking away the cucumber out of her hands, you disciplined her.
I would have let her mother know what was going on so she could deal with it accordingly
4. A little off topic: I would rather my toddler snacks on veggies rather than sugar and candy, I would not discourage healthy eating at all.
My almost 3 year old keeps snacking the whole day rather than eating at certain established times.
Each child is different.

Looks like your daughter already gave you a warning that she makes the parenting decisions so you may have already crossed boundaries

Why does she live with you? Is moving out an option?

TrendyNannie6 Thu 05-Nov-20 17:30:39

I think if it was my daughter I would have a word with her and tell her that yes of course she should be the one who does the parenting! But while living with you she should certainly not be disrespecting you by being mean to you, the incident with the cucumber is really silly your daughter handing it back to your granddaughter, it seems like a power struggle to me, on your daughters part! You did right taking it away from her, it sounds like it’s a tense household I feel for you binnyblue

Gwyneth Thu 05-Nov-20 17:47:04

binnyblue you write that your daughter and grand daughter have lived with you since the beginning of Covid. By that I presume you mean since about March. So does your daughter have her own home? In which case I would begin the discussion of them moving back. If they do not have a home of their own I would suggest that you start agreeing on some rules and boundaries and yes your daughter is the parent but it is your home. I hope you manage to find a solution to this situation as it sounds like a very uncomfortable environment for you to live in.

vampirequeen Thu 05-Nov-20 19:41:14

"Peaceful Parenting" is another way of saying refusing to accept that it's sometimes the parent's job to say "No" and the child's job to accept reasonable boundaries.

sodapop Thu 05-Nov-20 19:50:15

Exactly my feeling vampirequeen Seems like a parenting cop out.

FarNorth Thu 05-Nov-20 20:00:40

I think that if you knew it was their cucumber, and you knew your daughter's attitude to parenting, you should have done nothing.
If it is your cucumber / biscuit / plantpot that the child grabs then that's different.

Have a talk with your daughter about how she wants you to act, in similar situations when your daughter is not in the room e.g. do nothing at all, or what.

Doodledog Thu 05-Nov-20 20:13:03

Who bought the cucumber??

What has that got to do with anything? Do manners boil down to money? It's ok to destroy something as long as you, or your mother, paid for it? How is a child meant to know who pays for what, and why should she care?

Taking the post at face value, and assuming that there is nothing else going on that wasn't mentioned (struggles over eating, or something of that nature), it seems to me to come down to a difference in approach about acceptable toddler behaviour.

In the daughter's home, where she is the 'head of house' (for want of a better way of putting it) she is within her rights to do things her own way, but in someone else's home, there should at least be a discussion about what is acceptable - both from the adults, when it comes to discipline, and from a small child, who looks to the adults for guidance.

eazybee Thu 05-Nov-20 20:20:40

I wouldn't tolerate a three year old grabbing a cucumber and taking a bite out of it; what happens to the rest of it? Is someone else supposed to eat the remainder? Peaceful parenting my foot, just an excuse for laziness and not bothering to teach table manners. No wonder children's eating habits are so bad when they reach school if this sort of behaviour is allowed.
Your house , your rules.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 21:38:02

Thank you all for responding. I'm trying to figure out how to answer each of you or do you not do that here.

Madgran77 Thu 05-Nov-20 21:39:25

Its not worth replying individually. Just respond with the information you are happy to give and people will then respond to you as they see fit.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 21:40:14

I'll try to message each of you here
Madgran77 Mostly my daughter is just snarky. She makes me feel nervous, or I feel nervous, like I'm not doing this right even though I've been here for much long than since Covid. Very bossy. I'm trying to let things go. She's just critical and for whatever my own reasons...I "feel" like I'm being ratcheted down.

B9exchange Thu 05-Nov-20 21:42:49

Don't worry BBlue, you don't have to answer everyone, just respond to any that you want to!

Alexa Thu 05-Nov-20 21:52:48

I think it must be very hard to tell the difference between child care and house rules. In all cases your daughter should be teaching her child to respect you and your rules and decisions and be polite to you. I strongly favour younger persons respecting older persons.

The cucumber event was badly handled by your daughter who should have been polite to you before any other consideration.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:05:50

yes one would think my house my rules...but when I do that apprach then it really gets hard with her...Like she get so mad and I guess I'm a wimp. Although I have been such an inspiration to others in my work but with her I'm a wimp because I can't stand the conflict. Makes me want to climb under the covers or worse. I know I do have to set up boundaries...I did but she has always walked all over me. My granddaughter is free in the house because it's safe and I'm there but the cucumber thing. I think it's rude and especially underminding to then to give it back to her. Yes she was out of order....hard to stand up to her especially in front of my granddaughter.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:09:45

Yes I know she is one of those and I know it's normal
my daughter bought cucumber
Yes I suppose that's right but her mother gave it back to her as it was there cucmber and she felt granddaughter could have it.
I did let my daughter know what happened.
Right on about healthy eating. I agree, it was just that grabbing biting and knowing it would be left on the floor somewhere.
I would say my granddaughter eats all day too, a little at dinner and lunch. And yes each child is different. Thank you so much

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:14:40

Yes I need to have that little bit of talk with her. She just disrespcts in competition with me. I will try to do that, while living with me she should not be disrespecting me
tense household, my daughter has had such a terrible traumatic experience almost losing her daughter and yes there is a power struggle. I'm really tring not to take her mean ways and lashing out to heart. I'm trying it's hard because I am in a precarious state myself. I will have that word with her. Thank you and I appreciate what you've said. Very tense a lot of the time. But other times it's ok

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:19:46

No she does not have her own home. She made money but it was for spenind. Her husband made all the money, good job, well educated....but he turned out to be a sociopath. Nobody knew that about him. He presented himself very well. I loved him. But he ruined my life in a way although I will rise again. And my daughter's life. Yikes. Thankfully he is in jail now. Yeah they don't have a home of their own anymore. I'm back east she was living in Cali. She is planning on moving out sometime next year. They have to.
Have to please God. I hope I manage to find a solution too. You're very kind. It's been an awful almost 3 years. I thought I would get my life back but here they are again. Don't get me wrong. My granddaughter is everything to me. My daughter is hard to love but I do love her. I just don't know how to stand up to her and then not feel so bad afterward.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:20:58

Yes that is so...I see her setting other boundaries with granddaughter but the cucumber thing was just some lording it over me.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:22:18

Well it was her cucumber and she wanted her baby to have it. What can I say to that. But I will talk to her because I just don't want to be disrespected, especially in front of my granddaughter.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:24:54

Spot on. I didn't know it was her cucumber. Sure my granddaughter can have it if that's what she wants since her mom bought it for her. I didn't know. But it was the way it was just kind of given back to her. I think this is making me look at myself. If I had known it was their cucumber then I may not have done anything about it. It wasn't mine. Talk is so necessary now. You have no idea how I am valuing all this feedback.

binnyblue Thu 05-Nov-20 22:28:55

I think this is all coming down to the cucumber being my daughters and she had no problem with her daughter eating it. I say grab because that's what she did but at least it was a cucumber and not the butter. I just didn't know it was her cucumber. But things are really tense no matter what and I need to learn to set some boundaries. I have but I think I need to write them down, like a guidlines for living peacefully together. Thank you all so much.