daughter and granddaughter living with me. Daughter is hard to get along with

You do realize you have a totally different parenting style, right?

That is the problem and you do not approve much of your daughter's

i don't think this fundamentally about property rights over a cucumber.
it is that binny has her daughter living with her, sharing her space, and this has been foisted upon her, by unfortunate circumstances.
above all that her daughter's attitude to her is offhand to say the least, and it is causing binny distress.
sorry, i don't know what to suggest. is there ever a time when your daughter might be more amenable to having an honest exchange of views and try to plan a way to live together in more harmony.
i wish you all the best. hands across the pond.>>>

I was about to say that the cucumber is really a red herring, but that sounded insane

Nevertheless, who owns the cucumber is irrelevant. Unless you or your daughter want the little one to grow up thinking that people who haven't paid for something are not entitled to respect. The principle here is that you are the grandmother, and should be respected - if your daughter takes issue with your disciplining she should take it up with you privately, not in front of the child you are trying to teach.

It does sound like a power struggle, and one you probably have to engage with, however much you fear conflict. I think that if you back down, you will always be seen by both your daughter and grand-daughter as a pushover.

It might be difficult, and I can tell you are upset, but the bottom line is that they are guests in your house, and you are within your rights to ask to be treated with respect. My advice would be to stick to that. Don't be drawn into the rights and wrongs of cucumber ownership! Respect is yours by dint of the fact that (a) you are an adult and the little one is a small child, and (b) it is your house.

Stick to one track - that you are not prepared to be treated badly by either of them, and don't let your daughter derail the argument. Refuse to negotiate on that, if you can?

'Boundaries' again? Why do people feel compelled to share their living space - when they don't really want to? It's doomed to failure. Binny's daughter should live somewhere else!

I don't know a huge amount about "Peaceful Parenting" but I do know it's about mutual respect and a happy co-operative family life.

Maybe it's worth trying to adopt this method yourself - if nothing else your own daughter will be obliged to step up in her own relationship with you?

I understand that respect, empathy and active listening is what it's all about rather than a "training" model.
I'd be inclined to start a proper discussion about it and ask your daughter to share what she knows with you.
A more harmonious home may ensue- I do hope so.
Good luck.

well it's not always possible, and i think most people can understand a mother and GM being loathe to see her offspring homeless.

not always possible to avoid having to share living space.

My granddaughter grabs a cucumber off table and takes a big bite. I take it out of her hands, she has a melt down.

If my mother had behaved like this, to my child, I would have been annoyed.
The child had no idea why you took the cucumber away. She doesn't know you're trying to prevent it being left on the floor.
It would be better, in my view, to ask the child to stay near the table - sit on a chair maybe - while she's eating cucumber.
And/or keep an eye on her to prevent her leaving it on the floor, or anywhere else.

You have given this as an example and, if other situations are similar, it seems to me that you are creating unnecessary discord.

As suggested, look into the idea of Peaceful Parenting and discuss it with your daughter.

Insisting on 'respect' and 'boundaries' is likely to lead to more disagreements.

Why can’t she eat the cucumber

Because she takes one bite and drops it on the floor.

I wouldn't allow eating when not at the table, so I probably wouldn't share my home with someone who did.

Then that’s what she does, and the mother deals with it.

I see a power struggle here, but not from the daughter.

This living situation sounds untenable. Best to start telling your daughter she needs to sort herself and her living arrangements out.

This child is being taught to take whatever she wants I wonder what sort of adult she’ll become?

It’s important to raise children to be aware of other people and to be respectful around food and not waste it. I would personally have put the cucumber back in the fridge and told her she could have some slices if she asked for them.

You are her parent. Your house your rules. Stop letting her get away with things and make excuses for her. Yes she has been through alot and so have many others, but it does not give her the right to disrespect her mother.

Binnyblue what an awful upsetting situation you are in. Like others I wonder what gd will grow up like with dd letting her behave in that manner, but dd is the parent so you are limited in what you can do without constant rows that will ultimately achieve nothing.

So how about the peaceful approach? Next time don’t argue, just go tight lipped and say “you know best” in a disdainful voice that suggests otherwise and then walk away in silence.

The cucumber really isn’t the issue here.

It’s about your daughter being disrespectful to you and a failure to discipline her daughter
.
No way would I have let her have the cucumber.
My own Dd can also be very bossy. She always interferes when I am giving Dgs his tea. It makes me livid and we end up having words. I know she will never change, so I just have to try and modify my own behaviour, I guess.
Time to have a frank discussion with your daughter, I think.

It’s got nothing to do with the cucumber per se and everything to do with your daughters rudeness to you especially in front of her daughter. I think you have got the inner strength to withstand it but you shouldn’t have to... it seems you want to conserve as much strength and autonomy for your daughter as you can as you don’t want her to collapse under the strain she is under ( vis a vis her husband). But I think a line has been crossed. A calm ‘don’t be rude to me in front of your daughter’ would at least be clear about your feelings. I think you will get through this. Just don’t be frightened that you might destroy her with your strength. It’s a very difficult balance and the reason why adult children usually don’t live at home. She is being stupid. Big hug and good luck. You can do it and it won’t last forever. Could you ask for a truce on the lines of you agreeing to never disrespect each other in front of the child? It would be so much safer for the child too. She would feel more secure. And you totally deserve to be respected.

I think you need to find out what peaceful parenting is
www.mother.ly/life/9-simple-ways-to-practice-peaceful-parenting

when you feel you understand it, you can say to your daughter that its all new to you and you would like to understand how she understands it as it is not your 'natural' parenting style.

You may decide that it is so different that, if she is to continue living with you, you together make some agreement about sharing the kitchen etc. As a married couple we once shared a small house with our land lady's daughter. Maybe the kitchen and needs to be shared if your feels she has bought the food. A very difficult process but solveable.

Bunny blue, Thankyou for trying to explain, I really do feel for you having your daughter being disrespectful when you are putting a roof over her head, life can be hard enough without a daughter being mean to you and making you feel down! You don’t deserve it!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It almost sounds as if your daughter is bullying you, and you are staying quiet to avoid confrontation. As she is living in your home, after a clearly very bad experience, she should be showing you some respect. If you cannot calmly chat about the situation yourself, would she agree to family mediation, after all ..... bringing the child up in a peaceful and calm atmosphere should be everyone’s main concern after all the trauma. Even if you have differing opinions on child care, she should still talk to you calmly and respectfully.

Just regarding the cucumber alone : cucumber is hard to digest for anyone, so not good for a child to have too much anyway. I would have instinctively reacted in a similar way.

binnyblue I do sympathise. I am in the same position vis a vis having DD and DGC living with me and although my DD on the whole is on the same page regarding child behaviour, it is difficult to have a child always around and have to often think twice before correcting ‘bad’ behaviour. My DD is perhaps older than yours and treats me more as a co-parent given the amount of time I spend looking after him while she works. We certainly share cucumbers too.

Funny conversation I had with my little DGC the other day when he told me I am much stricter than his Mum. I asked for an example and he said ‘sugar’ and since I usually refrain from giving him treats because his Mum is careful about his sugar intake it dawned in me that she is using me as a get-out when he asks for a sweet treat?

Please can posters read back over the earlier comments - I think there's only 40 or so.

Peaceful parenting is a method of positive parenting. It is not a "cop-out" as some have suggested. It sounds like hard work but hopefully yields benefits. The problem here is the old chestnut of different parenting styles. Many of us have been fed up with "different" ways of parenting of our children by our parents. This seems to me to be basically the same thing.

Honestly? I’d grin and bear it. It’s not worth the argument, and these things have a way of snowballing. I usually get on well with my daughter but when she starts on at me about “I’m the parent” I say okay and smile and let her get on with it. It’s not forever.

I wonder if you could disarm your DD a bit. For instance sometime when things are peaceful ask her to explain peaceful parenting to you, where did she get the idea etc, whilst doing this you might be able to slip in your bit about children who have boundaries feel more secure. It may be making her life more peaceful now allowing your DGD to do as she pleases but she won't find it so easy when she has a stroppy teenager on her hands. Children should be treated as children when they are small and adults when they are older it so often happens the other way round.