daughter and granddaughter living with me. Daughter is hard to get along with

BINNYBLUE I think snacking on vegetables is better than sugar too but not the way your GD does. You are correct in disciplining her. Cut a bit off and give her it. You do not bite a bit off and throw the rest on the floor. Peaceful parenting is another word for laziness. In life there are boundaries at every age. They have to be learned from the beginning. You don’t just get what you want. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all teaching your granddaughter that she can’t just take a bite out of something and throw the rest down. It doesn’t matter who pays for the cucumber, you are teaching her how to behave.

Your daughter should not have done that. What she should have done is speak to you about it afterwards, not in front of your granddaughter. I would say the same rules apply as a a couple of parents — no undermining. Have a chat with your daughter. Do not criticise your daughter’s parenting. Just ask her for the rules and then you will know exactly what your granddaughter is allowed to do and you will not be going against your daughter’s wishes,

All this assuming that they cannot go back home.

I would be saying this isn`t working for me, I feel unwanted in my own home. You dear daughter need to get your own place, this is me parenting you.

luluaugust, Quickfire9 and others.... Peaceful Parenting is a method. It is designed for life. It's a way of active parenting (and would probably work well with teenagers from the microscopic amount I know about it). It is not about :having a quiet life!

Please, binnyblue take some time to try to understand and practice it then the cucumber incident will diminish and you and your daughter can work together for mutual benefit.

I would say it’s your house, your rules. Your daughter can “ be the parent”, but should take note of how you run your home. You’re not depriving your GD of anything, just showing her the right way to do things like cutting a portion of cucumber. It seems a lazy way of parenting to just hand over whatever a child wants, also shows lack of manners and respect for others who may also want a share, not to mention the waste when the food is left half eaten.

Her daughter, her rules - but your house, your rules. Un less your daughter is the one to run about with a dustpan and broom for every mess, well, then, she has to respect the fact that she and her kid are guests in your house. Also, what if instead of eating a cucumber, the child decided to jump on the sofa, and fell... on your watch? Or instead of eating a cucumber, she decided to go up the stairs from the outer side? Or what if she found some sweet wine and drank it? Can you file this under peaceful parenting by letting her do these things?

I don't think its about the cucumber, its about the respect which your daughter should be showing you and the way she is undermining you. I have a daughter who does that when she visits, makes me feel very small and I hate it. We usually start off quite well but the situation usually goes downhill pretty quickly. I think its because I won't tolerate being 'Talked down to' in my own house. Luckily no granddaughter involve just yet.

So hard for you. There has been a lot of trauma all round. And your daughter living elsewhere is probably not an option at the moment. She is back in her mother’s home, back being a child. We all have to reject our mothers role as the person who ruled us as a child in order to be adult ourselves. She may have had a controlling husband as well. That doesn’t mean to say she should bully you. You need to get over being afraid. Be assertive. That is, neither aggressive or controlling yourself or cringing and placatory. A middle road. If you are consistent and calm, that will be helpful. It’s not good for her to be allowed to be a bully. She should respect you. But you should also respect her. You are two adults and need to understand each other’s viewpoints and agree a way of living together that is fair to both and consistent for the little girl. At a good moment you could ask her if she is happy with how things are and if not why and what would help. You can also say how you are feeling. She may be depressed, anxious, traumatised and acting a lot of that out in her moods. You sound a loving mother and grandmother with a lot of strengths. Good luck.

binnyblue this is not about cucumbers or 'peaceful parenting', but it is everything to do with your relationship with your daughter. You have given her a home, and she is being rude and disrespecting your household. I suspect she is playing out resentments from childhood, and has reverted to being a child in your house. You don't have to put up with rude behaviour, but please keep the temperature down. Don't shout, just explain what is and isn't acceptable in your house. Don't accept personal insults. You have explained to us that you have helped your daughter out of an abusive marriage. Often, the victims of such relationships suffer dreadful shame that they 'allowed' themselves to be so abused (of course, it's not as simple as that), but they can sometimes take it out on people who were witness to their predicament. We rarely want people to feel sorry for us. You, as her mother, have 'rescued' her from her situation, underlining the fact that you are the parent, and she the child. It is easy to see that any criticism of her daughter is a proxy criticism of her. Nevertheless, you should not put up with unacceptable behaviour in your own house. The sooner she can start living independently again, and taking charge of her life, the better!

I give up! It feels like no-one is reading back on this thread.

I don't understand this 'peaceful parenting'. It seems that there are few boundaries for children these days, and no-one will say 'no' to them. Hence the problems with getting them to obey lockdown rules. It all starts at home. Discipline is vital, in my opinion, to a well balanced child. We didn't go short of it in my day.

It is quite obvious that this is very upsetting for you,and although you don't like confrontations your daughter is playing on that. You need to be brave and address this.

Wait until your granddaughter is in bed, and tell your daughter you will no longer tolerate her disrespect or be made to feel uncomfortable in your own house. Tell her you are fully aware she is the parent however you have boundaries in your home. Ask her if perhaps she would prefer renting somewhere and claim housing benefit if she has no money.
This really can't continue.
Please let us know how you get on x

Personally I would say that as long as she's under your roof, she has to abide by your rules, and that includes discipline, and that if she doesn't like it, she will have to find somewhere else to live. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's your home and your sanity. You could try gently saying to your daughter that her behaviour is unacceptable to you, and that if she wants to continue to stay with you, she must respect your wishes. The granddaughter sounds a little undisciplined brat to me and will only get worse. I wouldn't stand for it, and neither should you.

NotSpaghetti the only problem is in this case the peaceful bit doesn't seem to be working. I guess binnyblue would settle for a quiet life by any method.

Is your daughter consistant in her parenting or is it just a different style from your way? Or is your daughter is feeling a lack of control over her life and she's letting her toddler expresses that? Not suggesting it's deliberate, perhaps the situation has echoes of her own childhood. I hope you can find a way to keep on good terms and maintain a good relationship with your GD. When they move on, assuming they get back to their own independence after lockdown, it's most likely your GD will be able to cope with different rules depending on who is looking after her, Mum or Grandma. Difficult situation all round, you need a hug XXX (virtual hug).

I know the child is only 3 but it’s not too young to learn some manners. I don’t think it matters who bought the cucumber.
I have several young grandchildren and whether in my home or their own they’re not too young to learn not to grab food or anything else just because they want to. You shouldn’t be expected to keep your opinions to yourself in your own home. Your daughter is making a rod for her own back. I suppose she finds it easier to give in to the child all the time rather than have a confrontation. As my husband always says in these sorts of situations ‘look for the happy ending.’ They won’t always be living with you.

Your house,your rules,end of.

I feel for you. It’s a sad situation in already sad and tense times. Your daughter should realise that you are her rock. Take heart. This will pass. Be kind to yourself . X

Next time your daughter is rude to you calmly state you are her parent and your parenting style does not accept rudeness

Just step back from reprimanding your GD no matter what she is up to. Your DD obviously does not expect or want you to. Any mess created will be down to your DD to clean up, damage to be replaced/sorted. I would just pull up the drawbridge and leave DD to get on with it. As to the cucumber, if DD paid for it then it was hers to do with what she wants and if that's allowing your GD to bite it then throw it away then that's up to her. You won't win with her attitude towards you.

why cant she go back home .? is she caring for you? your home /your rules. can you get the g/d to do the things for a meal like cutting up the cucumber beforehand .? involve the g/d daughter more so that she has no need to take food from the table .....if the cucumber is in your house it belongs to everyone .HER cucumber ,did it have her name on it. tell your daughter its about time she returned home,as you feel that everything you do is not acceptable....

I do so sympathise with you Binny Blue. I had a similar situation when our daughter and grandsons moved in with us after the suicide of her husband so making them homeless overnight due to the circumstances. They lived with us for five months until we could organise a safe rental property. Since then her life has turned around with a new supportive fiancé and a wedding due next year now sadly postponed to 2022. However despite all we have done we are still made to feel almost as if we are to blame for the trauma she still endures and the pressure of bringing up her boys. We are very involved with childcare and often have the boys to stay, take them on holiday etc but she very often treats us so badly with complete disrespect. It’s awful and her Dad gets really upset. Recently I did stand up for us as she was upset her eldest (now 11) shows her no respect by saying what does she expect when he listens to how she speaks to us. That did pull her up sharp for once! Suggest you talk things through when situation is calm but do stand up for yourself it does help to clear the air! Good luck!

Not knowing much about Peaceful Parenting I googled it and from the little I read it does not mean giving a child what it wants or allowing it to have what it wants when it wants.
Yes it is difficult when parent and grandparent live in the same house. But, if you live in someone elses home then there will always be moments, when the parent is not around, that the grandparent steps in. If you so not like that then leave or make sure the child is never out of your sight.

The cucumber is not the issue you have a right to be shown respect in your own home you say you feel nervous I'm sorry but you have put a roof over her head if she doesn't like your rules she needs to move out and leave you in peace

Exactly Kartush - it is NOT a free for all and has self-discipline built into it.

It seems a pity that other posters can't see that.

luluaugust - it may be that the "peaceful" part isn't happening because the OP is not doing that bit.
If she's reluctant to consider it as a system, well, that could actually be the root of the problem.