daughter and granddaughter living with me. Daughter is hard to get along with

Binnyblue, I wonder for how long you've retreated from getting into conflict with your daughter? Might this have been the pattern since her childhood, or has it only recently occurred because your own circumstances have changed and left you feeling powerless?

This is obviously a stressful way to live but if it all goes tits up then your daughter may well up sticks and go off in a huff to a new place and your relationship may well be fractured forever. It is probably easier to let most things go over your head. It isn't worth falling out over something as silly as a small child biting a cucumber. Your daughter is possibly letting a lot of bad behaviour go because she doesn't want arguments and battles over every little thing. I stood up to my daughter a few years ago over something very serious and lost her and my DG, almost forever! They, as parents of our beloved GC have all the power and all the control. Choose your battles well as the loser can lose everything.

Peaceful parenting doesn t mean no boundaries at all. Authoritarian parenting is sometimes described as brick wall parenting, no boundary parenting as jellyfish parenting. Peaceful parenting can be described as parenting with a backbone. Backbone parenting can help children with boundaries both from other people and their own developing boundaries. The older I've got the more I realise that many of my problems with people stem from difficulties with establishing boundaries, which I think can stem from being brought up in a time of elders who are authoritarian, where you weren't allowed to develop your own boundaries, or have your feelings taken into account, and we don't learn to say no for instance to men who turn out to be controlling or abusive, bullying bosses, pushy sales people I don't feel qualified to judge the situation here, it is a snapshot of the relationship orwhatever suggest conflict free ways of dealing with such a situation. OP so sorry things have been so difficult for yo ur family members and I hope you can all work out ways to live peacefully together while your daughter finds her feet again

PollyDolly

Your house......your rules! So your daughter says she is the parent........why is she not in the room supervising her child then? Stand up to your daughter and set the boundaries before she destroys you. Food isn't a plaything either, you did the right thing in removing the cucumber and daughter was out of order giving the whole thing back to the child! As I said.... your house your rules!

Absolutely your house and your life. They have moved in with. If it was the other way round, Then the granddaughter ruins as much food as she wants because that’s how things are done in their home. Peaceful parenting?? Lazy parenting more like.

I can't help thinking that the cucumber incident and your daughter living with you are the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like your relationship with your daughter has always been difficult and you are continuing the power struggle you have had with her since she was a child.
Do you mind me asking what your relationship was like with your Mother? I had a similar power struggle with my daughter, she has the same thing going on. They have now identified that we have an attachment disorder. Looking back further through the generations, my mother had the same with her mother and anybody who knows her, will know the damage she inflicted upon us. I say that without condemnation because she really didn't know what she was doing any more than I did with my daughter. It might be worth Googling Attachment Disorder followed by Emotional Dysregulation. It is really illuminating and is a good chance to start putting things right if that is what it is. Peaceful Parenting is a thing but can also mask a detachment from a parent's responsibilities.

Growing up I had a cousin the same age as me who had been adopted as a baby. Her parents idolised her, she was spoilt rotten and behaved appallingly. She ended up on medication for anxiety at the age of twelve.

Binnyblue, I'm sorry you're living with such stress. Your daughter has had a very tough time. From what you say, she'd no choice but to move back in with you. It sounds as though she's reverted to being your child, rather than an adult you share the house and child care with. To be generous about he behaviour, maybe she's low in mood and angry about being conned by her ex and you're getting the brunt of it. You need to talk about how you continue to live together. I'd have a look at the link about peaceful parenting because its a positive model. It isn't about letting children run wild, its about modelling good behaviour. Your daughter failed to do that in cucumber gate.

Peaceful parenting is the kind of parenting I grew up with, I was born in the late 1940's. I repeated the parenting style with my own children and its a joy to watch them continuing empathic, gentle, creative parenting with their own children. Boundaries are set consistently and maintained Kindly and firmly.

All children push boundaries, they all misbehave. Its our job to help them treat others with kindness and respect, and to abide by normal rules. That's what you and your daughter need to work out. I'm not in the group that says "your house your rules". My daughter, husband, 3 year old and new born lived here four months whilst their house was extended. I wouldn't have dreamed of saying my house my rules. We negotiated how it could work well for all of us and did our best to accommodate each other. Luckily, our parenting styles are similar but, Im the grandmother, not the parent and did my best to stay that way.

I'm astonished at all the overbearing grans on here - this makes it much easier to understand the estrangement threads.

Your DD and DGD have had a very stressful time, quite recently, caused by her partner.
They definitely don't need stern rules from you.

Talk with your daughter, peacefully and when the child is in bed, about how Peaceful Parenting works and go from there.

Your problem resonates with me, but I was the difficult daughter! Very many moons ago, due to an abusive relationship, I and my 2 year old returned home to live with my parents. I was angry, resentful, hurt and I suppose suffering from a kind of grief that my marriage was over and my future uncertain. My mum was kindness itself, without being at all 'interfering' and looked after my son while I returned to work - not easy for her as she was already a pensioner by then. I don't recall any cucumber incidents(!) however, there's no doubt that I unfairly turned my bitterness on to her, something I was later to regret of course, once my life began to improve and I was 'back to myself', and I still carry the guilt. It's possible that your daughter wants her life and independence back, which sounds like it is impossible at the moment, adding to her frustration, and in a perverse way, she is taking this out on you. There are few chicks that leave the nest and then freely want to return to live full time - especially if they've no choice. At least, that is how I felt, which was wrong of course, I could not have managed were it not for my mum's love and care in that time of crisis. Your DD knows this too, but is maybe too hurt to show it. If it's too difficult to talk at the moment, maybe write her a note, tell her that you understand her feelings at this awful time in her life, that she may be well be worried and hurt, and that you will help as much as you can (as you are), but that her attitude can sometimes upset you and make you unhappy. I hope this helps. Good luck from across the Pond.

It definitely sounds as though this is not really about the cucumber. You say your daughter plans to move out next year and it sounds as though you wouldn't want them staying with you permanently. It also sounds as though your son-in-law caused a huge amount of trauma to you and your daughter. It's not clear how your daughter nearly lost your granddaughter (violence or threats to take her away..).
You and your daughter are both victims and need to fully deal with the trauma and also find ways to "be on the same side".
Is there any counselling available to you? Maybe even via a charity if it's otherwise too expensive?
Meanwhile, I would pick my battles, try not to have contradictory rules for your GD and see if you can have a weekly chat over a glass of wine or cup of cocoa about plans for the coming week where you reassure your daughter that she is a good parent. Possibly deliberately ask her opinion about something you would like to do with your GD ( even whether it's ok to let her help you make cookies or sweep the yard or something trivial) - just to reinforce that you recognise her place as the parent.
I'm sure your daughter appreciates all that you have done for them and the place of safety you provide. Maybe she even feels guilty that she can't do that just yet and that she didn't spot what her husband was really like.
I hope you find a way to live in reasonable harmony while you're living together and enjoy many happy years of love and shared experiences when they are able to move on to a place of their own.

Well Hithere it seems to me that you think to ‘play’ with food is OK. In my book it is certainly not. Food should only be eaten at a table when sitting down, and children should be taught to understand this.

Soft parenting is why we have so many ill-disciplined youngsters who have no self-respect, or respect for others.

I have been in a similar situation with one of my adult foster daughters and my granddaughter when they lived with me
It got to the stage where I refused to take any part in caring for my granddaughter referring anything she asked for or did back to her mother who soon got fed up with having to constantly having to care for her daughter .When ever she moaned I would sweetly remind her that since I was unsure about her rules I was just checking with her .
After a while we were able to have a conversation that boiled down to when I was in charge my rules applied with buckets full of reassurance that yes of course she was the child’s mother and sympathy about how hard it was to be the sole parent and everyone needed some me time where they handed over temporary responsibility to another adult .

I lived with my parents after I split up with my husband and had a young son.
Mum and I didn't have an agreement as such and I think there may well have been times when she had to bite her tongue over how I disciplined my son - but - if I wasn't in the room when he did something that mum didn't agree with, if she wanted to put him straight, she did and when I came back into the room, I had no problem if he was crying - I didn't see what happened and I always worked on the idea that if he had been told off, there would have been a good reason for it!
Sorry, but your daughter is being disrespectful to you. She is having the benefit of sharing your house and should at least trust you enough to leave her child with you. I mean, if that cucumber had been a knife, would she have expected you to have left him with it ? A bit extreme, I know but this "peaceful parenting" doesn't exist, she's in cloud cuckoo land! Every child needs boundaries and either she respects that your boundaries may be different to hers or she moves out and actually becomes a single parent in the true snse of the word!

Peaceful parenting? Mmmmmm..... I think at 3 your GD will be prone to tantrums about everything and anything and, it is rather exhausting for the parent, but I can't help thinking how is your GD going to learn right from wrong and what is and isn't acceptable (in the future), in society. She will be starting soon in a couple of years time and she will need some discipline in her life or else she will be in for a big shock. GD's like to do it their way just like we did but none of us want a child that's not welcomed in other peoples homes because they don't know how to behave. Behaviour is learnt, whether it is bad or good as children learn from example.

If you are consistent and calm, that will be helpful. It’s not good for her to be allowed to be a bully.

Yes very interesting advice to Binnyblue, is the tenement of what peaceful parenting is.

It’s about the parent regulating their emotions.

It’s interesting how many here seem to feel that that is in fact a cop out on parenting

school

my daughter moved in with me and my husband, (her step dad) when the granddaughter was 4 and the grandson 16 months. She was staying with up for 2 weeks holiday and her other half decided he did not want her back, so she had no choice but to stay.
The ground rules were laid down early on and had to be adhered to by us all.
Things kike they were her children so her responsibility but if she wanted/needed a hand just ask.
The biggest one was on discipline - who ever started the discipline carried on with it. There was no "I will tell your mum" or "they are my children do not tell them off" . This was mainly introduced so that a) the child/ren got one ticking off for one bit of behaviour not more than one person telling them off for the same thing and it also meant that the children learnt they could not play off one against another.
There were a few times I found this difficult - DD sent DGD to the bedroom to get her pjs on and she was going to bed without a story for doing something wrong. But DGD decided she was not outting her pj's on and getting into her bed....and she didnt...instead she emptied nearly the whole of the contents of the bedroom by slinging them down the stairs one by one yelling each time I am not putting my jammies on and I am not getting into my bed......I had to go for a walk so I did not interfere cos if I had been in charge she would have got into her pjs and into her bed.....
I appreciate they had all lost their home and their roots and DGD had moved a way from all her friends and we did try and make that allowance.
If my daughter thought we were out of order she would wait until after it was all over and the children were in bed and then we would discuss it calmly, never did any of us over rule the other in front of the children as that is when you get problems.
It was a hideous 9 months for all of us and believe me I was glad to see them move into their own flat again. I know my daughter was also happy to be moving on.
Try and calmly talk about things without your DGD being in ear shot and set down some rules that need to be adhered to. It is not right you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Aepgirl

No, food is not a toy.

I love my daughter too, but I wont let her get away with much. If I ask her to behave, she does, but usually I get the blame for whatever rubbish is going on in her life. As for GC,, well prepared snacks like cucumber etc in salad bowl for the day. A child lock on the fridge door. Nothing worse than wasted food, when some of the world is starving or going to food banks.

It must be hard for all of you. Sounds like you’ve all had a tough time with your granddaughter’s dad. On top of that you now have to all live together, your daughter is a fairly new mother and you’re sharing your home and trying to be a good gran. Your granddaughter is also caught in the middle and needs some consistency.
Be gentle with yourself and each other. Sit down if you can choose a good moment. Acknowledge it’s difficult (you’re all grieving a difficult situation). If she won’t talk, perhaps you could write it down. As the elder, you may well have to take the lead in this. Perhaps you can get some outside help. Hopefully the commonality is you both want the best for your granddaughter and deep down you want the best for your daughter. She is trying to grow up and become separate from you, which is normal development, but painful for us as a parent. What you are all struggling with is normal but not easy. You are all going to make mistakes and remember you’re human. Be assertive but kind when you need to be. Bite your tongue and get support at other times. There are good parenting blogs and books to guide you. Gentle Discipline by Sarah Ockwell Smith is but one that I like. Dr Laura Markham does an online blog. Get all the help you can to keep this situation as calm and civilised as you can. Remind your daughter that you love her and want the best for all of you.

Reading these posts I sometimes wonder how lenient people were with their children when they were young. When I was growing up my parents were strict with us, as were most parents strict with their children in the fifties. I think that, as a reaction to this strictness, people of my generation were very tolerant towards their children, to the extent that they never told them off. Perhaps they re now reaping what they sewed?

I agree Vamppire Queen - parenting is tough and you do have to say no very firmly at times!

I am not sure that people's views on parenting styles are particularly relevant to binny. She is 1. Wondering how to deal with her daughters behaviour towards her 2. Wondering how to deal with her daughter's parenting style which differs from her own!

On both binny I think Iam64 and jilld give good wise advice that makes allowance whilst also looking for solutions.

Difficult, of course, But .. when my kids were small, and we stayed with the MIL, we abided by her rules. She wanted to feed them three good meals a day, while my cubs were used to little and often. She wanted them in bed and asleepby six, mine were used to playing in their rooms until eight. We compromised, and accepted that our ways were not the same, but both meant for the good of the children.

I personally don't even know why this cucumber keeps coming up in the conversation! TBH I would have done the same thing in your situation and taken it off my grandchild. If my daughter had been rude about it, I would have told her that under my roof, she and my gd obey my rules and one of those rules is do not waste food. It is immaterial who bought it. However, that being said, i know that my daughter respects my disciplining her children as I only do it to teach them right from wrong. It is very difficult. I hope you find a solution.xx