Sorry another MIL question

Annebo, if your mother in law is literate why not give her this letter of yours to read?

I guess you need to express your true feelings to her. She actually sounds well meaning but socially clueless

Is there the slightest possibility that you could lose your temper once and for all and tell your mother-in-law exactly where she gets off?

And don't apologise afterwards.

Doormats, dear girl, get trodden on, so stop being one. Tell this infuriating woman that she is welcome when you invite her, but that she is not just to drop in.

You have tried to make things work by being nice. That did no good, so make her respect you by blowing your top. Nothing else will do the trick.

annebo good to hear that you have a plan

Hetty58

Here we go again. Where is this magical, fantasy place where Coronavirus doesn't exist and people can just visit and come indoors? I'd really love to know!

Not everyone is in the UK :-)

Hetty58

Here we go again. Where is this magical, fantasy place where Coronavirus doesn't exist and people can just visit and come indoors? I'd really love to know!

Parts of Canada?
Parts of Australia?
Apparently the entirety of the US?

Here we go again. Where is this magical, fantasy place where Coronavirus doesn't exist and people can just visit and come indoors? I'd really love to know!

Thank you again. I am thinking about situation and we are dealing with it taking your kind advice in. We have a plan. xx

How MIL interacts with her GC is not really the main issue in this difficult situation Grammarretto Her other astounding behaviours seem far more important to be dealt with

but that's not the issue. and this MIL does not sound like the owner of the box of cars.

of course everyone likes toy cars !

Grammaretto

Some people are not good at interacting with small children.
If MiL doesn't have the right
toys etc perhaps you should supply her with some.
Do something positive to help the relationship work. That's if you really want it to.
My DM was in some ways similar to your MiL. She openly said she was frightened of babies and bored by small children.
It was said jokingly but there was truth in it.
She loved their company as they got older and took a real interest in their studies and hobbies, their partners and their DC so they liked her a lot and were sad when she died.
Now as adults they remember her fondly even the box of cars which she brought out claiming everyone loved toy cars.

Did you read the updates?
Mil doesn’t like when the children bring their own toys

Op has gone above and beyond to include her, and for her efforts now has anxiety to see her!

Some people are not good at interacting with small children.
If MiL doesn't have the right
toys etc perhaps you should supply her with some.
Do something positive to help the relationship work. That's if you really want it to.
My DM was in some ways similar to your MiL. She openly said she was frightened of babies and bored by small children.
It was said jokingly but there was truth in it.
She loved their company as they got older and took a real interest in their studies and hobbies, their partners and their DC so they liked her a lot and were sad when she died.
Now as adults they remember her fondly even the box of cars which she brought out claiming everyone loved toy cars.

it doesn't matter whether DD needs a nap or not.
it's nothing to do with MIL.
it's your decision.
don't discuss anything with her, because that implies she has a stake in how you run your family's life.
she does not. don't open the door to her.
she is a foot in the door merchant. give an inch, they take a mile. don't give her that inch. repel bandits.
read up on fear, obligation and guilt, (FOG).

If possible help me see things from her POV because I am stumped.

Not surprised that you are stumped. Whatever her POV, her behaviour is completely and utterly inappropriate

So MIL has started turning up at our house again. Obviously I let her in but she is just so awful to me as she seems to be still holding a grudge. I literally shake when she is here.

Why obviously? Say clearly: "I have asked you to come when DH is here. He isn't here now. Please come back when he is!" And shut the door

I made the mistake of confiding in her that I have been presrcibed AD for anxiety and that I can't always cope with unannounced visits. No sympathy. She is now telling everyone in the family I am unstable

Say clearly: "I told you that I don't want unannounced visits. You have ignored my request" And shut the door. Then ring the family and tell them that MIL is saying you are unstable because you take AD. State clearly that you are not unstable just suffering from anxiety caused by MIL.

help me to cope better with her without confrontation

Stating clearly a fact is not confrontation. Try to get your head around that and state facts at her very clearly as above.

She told me that no child should have a nap after 10 months even though my DD really needed a little afternoon nap

Say clearly: "DD still needs an afternoon nap. That is our policy."

Asserting oneself makes a fairly trivial situation 100 x worse.....*Thankfully BIL opened up to me about their struggles and made me feel a little better*

That is because everyone engages in her drama, including the rest of the family who are clearly all scared of her. You are ALL presumably suffering from her outrageous behaviour. You ALL need to work together to block her dramas and to refuse to engage in her dramas that is her so far successful method of getting her own way.

TBH I think she actually needs to suffer the consequences of her appalling behaviour and it is very unusual for me to say this but I think you should consider cutting off from her. DH should consider it as well. If you do that, state clearly to her (by letter?) the reasons that you are doing that. Moving first would be a good idea.

i think you just need to taper off contact.
maybe for high days and holidays there can be a brief appearance by children, but not left alone with her.
you cannot correct her or appease her, she is off her trolley. best to avoid.
look after yourself.

Does she have her own transport ? Maybe moving will not sort your problem if she can still get to your house easily . you cannot let her spoil your life so try to really be strong and cut her off .

Sorry correction should have been her grandma not MIL

Thanks...and agreed.

Somebody asked what the children think of their grandma and I had to think about it because its not really clear cut.

On the one hand she is actually very pleasant with them. Generous with money and likes to have their favourite snacks in etc. But she is not a typical grandma who plays and interacts with them.

She appears to have an overinflated view of the crate of toys which she has in a cupboard. They are no longer age appropriate and are vintage from the 1960s, bits broken and things missing. She gets very offended if the children bring their own toys to play with and can sulk...but the sulking is quite subtle. E.g busying herself in the kitchen or making little negative comments, "that doll is too big for you". I notice it, and I strongly suspect the children do too.

She finds interacting with the children difficult and will talk to them as though they are adults, about things they don't really understand. If my DD brings a reading book to show her MIL will just talk about her own library book and the type of things she likes to read. If she puts the TV on they will have to watch the programs that MIL likes. If DC watch one of their favourite programs MIL finds fault with it "this is horrible, why do you want to watch that?" (referring to BBC childrens progs).

She essentially likes to talk about herself and has no empathy as to what it is to be a small child. She is not overtly awful, but she often acts disinterested. The result is they get bored very quickly and want to come home.

This is why they don't visit her anymore.

My own mother on the other hand is the cuddly type, has a craft box and buys little things to keep at her house so there is always new things to do and play with. She takes them to the swings and has magazine subscriptions so they have something exciting in the post. She makes DD dressing up clothes to spec, she tickles DS and acts silly - its a whole different scenario which I am sure the children compare and contrast.

This is helping writing it out ...thank you.

This is a terrible situation for you, your DH must make a stand quite honestly she sounds deranged. You say you obviously have to let her in, no you don't. Nor do you have to go to her house, your children have picked up the atmosphere and although its lovely for children to know their grandparents this is not lovely. Do not confide in her in any circumstances, nor should your mum have to put up with any nonsense. So please don't feel bad make your stand now.

If your dh balks at the idea of giving consequences to mil, I would tell him he is free to have a relationship with her and you and the kids have nothing to do with her.

Do you want your kids to remember their childhood with bad memories from their grandmother?

You still have time to fix this

Your mil needs to hear- from her son, your dh - that she is not to intrude in your lives, give her unwanted and critical opinions, she doesnt know best at all, etc

She has to be told that if she doesnt change, your family will take a break from her so she can reflect on her behaviour and your dh would contact her when you (you, dh and kids) are ready

You have to put your kids first.
Teach them that listening to their instinct is important, act on their gut feeling is crucial and negative and toxic relationships are not beneficial - despite dna
If your kids dont want to see her, don't force them - your kids deserve respect.

Your dh is riding the fence right now, "defending" you with words but not actions.
I hope he is truly on your side when consequences for bad behavior are implemented and mil will likely not change.

You shouldn't have to move house to get away from her.
You do need to rewrite the rules.
Did you say you managed to stop her from child minding? You were assertive then but I think unless you put your foot down now, it won't get easier when the DGC start school.
You have to know your own mind and stay true to it.

You say you want your DC to have relationship with their DGM (is she a widow?)
Is there anything she can offer them which you can't?
If so, focus on that.
I wish you well. Life can be an obstacle course at times.

Moving sounds like a great solution. Somewhere where she can't just drop around.

You sound too much like me in my early 20s. Wanting to make it nice. If you can just explain surely they will understand. Let's work this out. That's a good approach, but that approach takes two and some people aren't open to it. Don't take so much responsibility for the relationship with your MIL. I'm glad you have an ally in BIL, that must help you to see it isn't you. She sounds terrible.

What do your children say about her? Listen to them too and teach them that they have the right to say who they feel safe with and who they need to avoid. That they can say no to people. They need to learn that they deserve to be treated well for when they grow up.

Thanks to all. I agree with all comments.

Regarding DH. From the beginning he has always defended me, or corrected MIL when she has been unfairly critical.

I don't mind advice or guidance as long as its polite and is makes sense. But she has often forced her opinions (which change with the wind) onto me and becomes like a dog with a bone. For instance, she forbad us shortening our childrens names. She told me that no child should have a nap after 10 months even though my DD really needed a little afternoon nap. MIL would not take no for an answer and would call or knock on the door in an afternoon to check DD wasn't napping - she would make me feel guilty for giving my own toddler a nap! Now I'm older and have more experience I can see this was a control thing as she wanted to see her GD when it was convenient to her, not when she was napping. This is why she hated me BF. I could go on forever with bizarre rules that didn't make sense to me.

When DH corrected her and politely asked her to back off the drama would be unbelievable. We would have months and months of punishments and sulking and would involved the wider family to take sides (over the most trivial disagreements). She got into the habit of saying "annebo hurts too easily" and then continue x 10 to do the thing that she had been asked not to do or say. A polite contradiction or the word "no" from DH results in her shouting or him being pushed away from the family. It became easier just not to confront it. We ignore and tends to be forgotten about the next day. But this means we have to walk on eggshells and do normal things in secret.

The last drama involved her wanting to control something regarding DD. DH asserted himself (I didn't know anything about this issue as he was trying to protect me). MIL went insane and began shouting at him that she knew best and she didn't recognise him anymore. A few days later MIL called the house and accused me of pulling DH away from the family, even though I had no idea what she was talking about. That situation, with hindsight, would have been better handled with a smile and wave. Asserting oneself makes a fairly trivial situation 100 x worse.

I really couldn't sit back and let people think I was pulling him away from the family so I wrote an email to all his siblings explaining that I had no intension of pulling anyone away from anything...inviting them to the house anytime and reminding them about how much time DH spends with his parents; doing DIY jobs etc. Thankfully BIL opened up to me about their struggles and made me feel a little better.

I like the suggestion of a neutral place to meet. I have also been thinking that maybe when this whole covid thing is sorted there is a possibilty of us moving further away. Its just going to take hard work and frugality. We live by a great school which has also blinded me into thinking we couldn't move. I can now see there are loads of other good schools in the area...

Thank you once again.

My mil was awful to me but couldn’t carry a candle to yours. I too didn’t want dc growing up not knowing their grandma so put up with it. Yours is so bad your dc won’t want to know her and it’s all of her own making. You are too nice. Whatever you do don’t let her make you feel guilty. She is pulling all the strings to make you miserable.
OceanMama has given you very good advice based on personal experience.