Sleepovers (question from DIL)

I completely agree that this MIL is unreasonable and her attitude shouldn’t be tolerated.

However, I disagree with posters who are suggesting a 9 month old baby is far too young to be left overnight in the care of grandparents. I’ve had all 4 of my grandchildren overnight at 9 months for various reasons. They were all content and settled before, during and after their visits.

They wouldn’t have been left in my care if both sets of parents didn’t have absolute confidence in my ability to care for them. When I had them in my care I followed their parents home routine to the letter and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to stray from it.

I’ve continued to have a lovely bond with all 4 of them. They range in age from 5-12 yrs old. They love to come for a sleepover especially if both sets of cousins can come on the same weekend. They ask to come so clearly haven’t been traumatised by being left overnight when they were babies. No sleepovers now due to covid. My little 5 yr old GS said just last night on FaceTime “Gran I can’t wait to come to your house for a sleepover”

Bit of a sweeping statement there Grandtante of course it's possible for a nine month old baby to sleep at his/her grandparents house. Not everyone is fortunate in having a two parent family, not all young parents are in good health. There are circumstances in which its helpful even advisable for a young parent to have a break and a good night's sleep.

I don't agree with the attitude of the OP's mother in law and the parents need to stop being polite and tell her its not acceptable. Plain speaking is often the only way to get the message across.

We have 5 grandchildren . Our grandson does not like to do overnights with us without his mum, though all 4 granddaughters love it. That absolutely fine, we respect his wishes and his mum’s . We are delighted to have him visit with his mum, and if he changes his mind as he gets older, that’s fine but if not that’s fine too. Grandchild visits are a privilege, not a right.
You must do Santa is best for you and your baby.

Personally I think MiL's being thoroughly unreasonable and her own common sense should tell her that baby needs his mum and familiar surrounds in order to feel settled-----which hasn't been the case.
I wouldn't be very diplomatic in such a given situation.

Sleepovers! Really! No nine month old baby can possibly sleepover at his gran's.

If things were normal right now, and you and your husband wanted a night out, then your MIL could stay in your home for the night to look after the child. You would be there in the morning when he woke up.

I looked after a godson of about your son's age for one day a week at my place. He was perfectly happy until he woke from his afternoon nap and saw that Mummy wasn't there.

After the first time, I timed his nap to coincide with being ready to wheel him home in his pram when he woke.

But keeping a child overnight unless in a real emergency is just not on at that age.

Tell your MIL that until Covid19 is a thing of the past your child isn't going anywhere at all, and stick to it.

Heavens, where to start. I think that OceanMama is really en point and her advice is sound. I am a first time GM and my DGS is twenty months old. Unfortunately my daughter now finds herself as a single parent and works four days a week. I was her birth partner which was a (gruesome) privilege and I am on hand in the same city to support her as much as I can. The amount of support I give is driven by her. She’s the mother and has her way of organising their lives which I fit in around. Your MIL is so out of order in so many way that I wonder what her underlying problem is? Anyway that is for her to deal with and not for you to bend yourself around. Polite and firm and if that doesn’t work she runs the risk of alienating you and perhaps not seeing her grandson at all!! I see her as manipulative and selfish in this matter. You have my sympathy .

I'm a MIL and wouldn't, especially at this difficult time, even contemplate asking to do an overnight babysit such a young baby. I understand your feelings. Some MILs are so worried about being left out that they become ridiculous.

I think you need to be totally honest & blunt in the nicest way possible. Or get your partner to deal with his mum!

I did a lot of childcare for my eldest grandson from 8 months to school age but only did overnight on two occasions when he was older, at his parents request.
Both were a bit of a disaster....

Your child, your decision ALWAYS! I hope my DIL is honest with me otherwise I'd never know if I was treading on her toes.

Enjoy your little one. Time flies ?

Although I helped to look after my grandchildren from day one and provided childcare for them twice weekly after age one, I didn’t have them for a sleepover until they were about three.

I agree with other gransnetters, your child and your choice. Just do what is most comfortable for your small family. Grandparents need to comply with the parent’s way of looking after their child until the child is older and like routine until they are grown up enough to manage change.

As others have suggested, it’s time to be more direct and just say no.

I agree with comments by Ocean Mama but I would also add that it's your DH who should be saying these things to his mother or else somewhere down the line you are going to be blamed for being unreasonable, selfish etc. you name it! Your child your rules and his mother his responsibility.

grannynannywanny, yes, I can see that in your case. It was the best thing in a difficult circumstance. I was more relating to the pleasure side of it, there’s never any need to do it. What would have happened in your circumstances, if you simply weren’t safe to take care of your grandchild, as my parents and in laws certainly weren’t?

I think it's really weird that MIL wants him overnight. I can appreciate that gran would like to visit her new grandson, or even look after him for an hour or so whilst you have your hair done, for example (if lockdown allows!) but why is she so desperate to be responsible for him when he is - or should be - asleep for most of the time.

I would regard that as a warning sign that she wants possession. If you give in now it will only escalate. He is YOUR child, and even relations only have visiting/cuddling rights if YOU wish. She needs training , just as much as your son will, but in both cases with YOUR rules.

NEVER leave your child with anyone, or in any situation you feel 'uncomfortable' about. You just need to be firm (but polite) with this lady. She has no rights over your child. I had a similar situation with my first MIL, but I didn't give in. PIL had a small but very aggressive dog, and MIL was blind to this. She also had the notion that it was 'normal' to leave one's young child overnight with its grandparents just because they like the idea, but not in my book, it isn't!

I would tell her you don't want to let your son stay overnight as you would fret and wouldn't get any sleep. Its your baby, your rules. Dont let her pressure you into anything. Just keep saying no!

I remember your last thread when you were asking the same thing and got the same replies. You need your husbands support, just firmly say 'no'together. You don't need to give reasons, don't allow it to get into an argument, just be firm. Practice a bit of role play between you it it helps!

Your baby, your choice. You need to make it clear to your MIL that you’ve no need for sleepovers. My children didn’t stay over at my MILs - although a truly lovely lady, she preferred to do her own thing rather than what I asked her to do when my DD was only a baby. DH backed me up completely from the start & more so after a couple of incidents he witnessed (one which infuriated him & there were very harsh words between him and MIL).
Be polite if you can, but be firm xx

Until you feel comfortable about leaving your baby with mil don’t do it. He’s your child and your responsibility so you have to make the decisions on his behalf.
We look after our grandchildren at any opportunity but only with their parents blessing.
As for naps, noise etc. that’s a definite deal breaker. If she can’t follow your rules she can’t look after him I say.

He's too young for a sleepover, and the fact she said she doesn't feel naps are necessary means she will do exactly what she wants when he is there. No way!

OceanMama

Maybe your MIL needs you to be more direct? You said you've run out of ways to say no nicely. Maybe she's one of these people who doesn't get hints and needs to be told things straight?

It sounds like you have allowed your MIL to pressure you into doing something with your child that you aren't comfortable with. It causes stress. The baby will pick up on this stress in his parents. You do not owe your MIL any particular grandma experience. She has had her turn with her children. Now it is your turn to make decisions about how you will raise your child. You can say no to anything at all. If MIL gets upset or reacts badly, that is for her to deal with. It doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.

A nine month old needs his parents more than anyone. Tell MIL, "Thank you for your kind offer. We don't need childcare at this time but will let you know if we would like your help." When it comes to overnights: "Thanks for the offer but we prefer to wait until he is older before we do something like that." Or, since you've already been doing them, "We have found it difficult to have our son away from us at such a young age and have decided that we will not do it again until he is much older." Any objections, just tell her it's what you've decided as his parents. She doesn't have to agree or like it.

MIL doesn't have to have your baby overnight or for childcare to feel included. She can visit during the day and read him books, help feed him if that is something you are comfortable with, take him for walks (with or without you, depending on how you feel about that), go on outings with you both, come for lunch in the weekend. She doesn't need to have alone time with him. If she is not happy to accept what is offered, this is not your problem and you don't have to correct it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I see a young mother who is doing things she is uncomfortable with to please her MIL when there is no need for you to cause yourself this stress. Your baby, your way. No-one else gets to make those decisions. Anyone who doesn't like what you decide, including grandma, will just have to get over it.

What do you think is best for your baby? That should inform your decision, not what is best for MIL.

Exactly this.

Just say no overnight childcare is not something we or our child need at this time End of

Don’t allow this pushy MIL to spoil your time with your baby. You have enough to deal with, without her. Your DH should tell her kindly but firmly to stop, as she is at risk of pushing you all away. It’s all about what you want as parents, not MIL, and she should be sensitive enough to listen to your wishes. Some people just do not respond to subtle, as they’re too focussed on what they want.... so stand your ground and literally say that you do not wish to discuss it further, and don’t .....

Toadinthehole
there is absolutely no need, ever, for such a young baby to stay overnight with grandparents

I disagree with you there Toadinthehole. When my now 12 year old GD was 9 months my daughter returned 2 days a week to her job as an ICU nurse we did just that. My SIL is a firefighter and on average one day a week their shifts clashed. As they had to both leave home at 5.45am I had my baby GD from the previous evening till they returned from work. I’d have her back in her own house by evening ready to welcome them home from work and I’d have a meal ready to serve up to them while they had a cuddle with baby.

It was an absolute pleasure for me to do it. She was a very contented baby and slept all night and woke with a smile on her face.

I’m sure they aren’t the only couple who need that back up to allow them to work.

The OP’s scenario is different. Her MIL is putting her under pressure to leave baby overnight with her and that is out of order. She is in the fortunate position of being a stay at home mum and her MIL needs to back off.

Don’t do it. Also I would have concerns about where this could lead to in the future. You need to establish boundaries now so that mil knows it is your child and your rules. Did her own mil treat her in this way? I very much doubt it. Try to do it kindly though in an assertive fashion. It is a difficult time with Covid and maybe this has affected her mental state. You and your dh need to stand firm together. As for making her happy you can’t do this at the expense of your own happiness, and she is the bullying one making you unhappy.

You do not have to give excuses, or reasons, to this person. "No, thank you. The baby sleeps where we sleep, unless it's an emergency" ought to be enough.

This is ridiculous. If you aren't happy with it then it's no use.

Tell her you "feel that now isn't the right time - but you will be the first to know when we're ready" and thank her for the offer.
Do NOT get into a discussion. This is what you feel. Do not try to supply evidence or reason. She has nowhere to challenge if it's your feeling.
If you give a reason she'll have a solution.

Good luck!

It is difficult with a new baby to have a pushy GM whether it's your own mum or m.i.l.

My m.i.l. was exactly the same and looking back, especially with our first born, she did baby sit during the day and evenings when we didn't really need her too; no over night stays though until the boys were much older.

There were times when I felt pressured and that I 'gave in'; ours wasn't the easiest of relationships. She has said to me over the years, more times then I can count, how grateful she was and always will be for the amount of time they got to spend with our boys. Far more than any of their other GC including those of their two daughters.

Do what you feel is best for you and your baby Daisy and get your H on board so his mum knows these are joint decisions. Although as I've said there were times when I did feel under pressure, I never 'gave in' to anything that made me uncomfortable or I felt wasn't in the best interests of our children.

Knowing now how grateful my m.i.l. was and remains, for the opportunity they had to have our boys 'all to themselves' makes the times when I felt frustrated and under pressure worth while.