How much support to expect from children

I only have a DSD right now, but if Hubby and I are able to have more children (we'd like to), I wouldn't expect them to be my carers! I've already told Hubby that if I reach a point where he can't care for me, he should find me a nice facility and visit me frequently.

I'm a nurse and I've worked in care facilities. There are few residents there that would be able to be cared for at home. It would be 24/7 care and often two people would be required (some residents require mechanical lifts to be moved; these should be operated by two people for safety).

I maintain there is a considerable difference between dropping Mom off at the cheapest place you can find and leaving her there to rot, and taking the time to find her a nice place to live and visiting frequently. The latter is what my mother and her siblings did for their mother. She has dementia and was cared for at home (two carers - my aunt and my cousin) for over a year until that was no longer feasible. Now she lives in a lovely facility that they carefully researched. My mother visits weekly, her other siblings also have fairly frequent contact, and they take Grandma out periodically to visit their homes.

I remember the late Christopher Reeve saying ,after he was paralysed that he didn't want his wife to be his nurse as it would alter their relationship. Yes, he could afford his care, but I think he was correct. When I was a child we lived with my grandmother and aunt in a large house, my aunt was the spinster daughter who had lived with her widowed mother since finishing university. Granny died after a short illness when she was 93 and my aunt bought a house and carved out a life for herself. I would hate to have personal care from my children, DS now lives 200 miles away, DD will be about 30 miles away when they move, near enough for support, which is all I would want, definitely don't want her to have to do anything else.

I moved closer to my daughters so I could help with childcare and emergencies without the six mile dash. This worked so well and we all enjoyed it. Since lockdown I have been pleasantly surprised with so many offers of help with shopping, had group wassap calls which I know were organised to keep my spirits up, plus many small gifts of flowers/cake!
I did so much for my disabled mother and had to drive 75 miles to do so. We’ve never discussed what will happen if I need care as I age, I know they will look after me but I don’t want to impact in their lives, so I will leave decisions for them!

I didn’t read the OPs friend as anticipating her family would necessarily provide personal care, just support when she needs it. Fine.
We moved seven years ago and are now four miles from my daughter, 12 from my son, but we didn’t move with the expectation of personal care in the future. However, I have been happy to provide occasional child care( no longer needed) and during the pandemic we have supported each other with shopping, baking, and other material needs as well as keeping in touch. I love knowing that they are near, as any friends we had in normal times are not really in touch now during the pandemic. I don’t see it as a bad motive for a move.

My DH and I were talking the other day and saying although we love our children, we don’t like them. We are still in our 50s but I have stage 3 cancer. Neither child seems to give two hoots. The other day we discussed spending their inheritance completely! I cant imagine either of them looking after us tbh.

My daughter lives round the corner from us. She collects our perscription for us. She takes me shopping once a fortnight.
She has no children but has a partner. She’s working from home and has done so since March.
When my dh had a knee op she drove him to the hospital and picked him up after the op.
We don’t lean on her she has her life but under lockdown
We have had a bit of extra help from her.

The thought of any of my children performing ‘personal care’ in my dotage fills with me with horror. My daughter works in a senior position (not medical) in a hospital so I would assume has contacts in the care world. My two sons are always concerned whenever me or OH are unwell. So, if they can either arrange a decent care package or a ‘home’ and visit or telephone lots, that would be great. My son’s partner ended up arranging most of the care for her mother who had cancer and dementia. She worked full time and had a toddler child. My son helped when he could. But, son’s partner’s brother with no children, lived a mile from their mother and helped one day a week.

When I retired I moved 100 miles to live closer to my daughter not only to help with childcare but to be involved in their growing up and everyday lives.
They love seeing us all the time and enjoy their grandad being silly and playing with them.
But I have already told my daughter that when we get older I don’t want her caring for us I would prefer to go into a home or sheltered accommodation rather than be a burden to her.
I chose to bring her into the world to hopefully have a rich fulfilled happy life not to be a carer for me.

I too feel that the days of expecting children to care for their aging parents are over and done with, or should be.

DH and I chose to move from a major city back to the part of the country we came from upon retirement. This will obviously make it hard for our son "to pop in and help" if we should need help later on.

This suits me, we are both fully prepared to accept professional help if we ever should need it, I should hate to think my son felt obliged to help.

I was the daughter my mother automatically called for help, whether convenient or not, and I swore never to inflict that on my son.

I hope your friend will be happy in the choice she has made.

I wonder if she has read all the threads about the difficulties of taking on child-care for your adult children on here? Probably not. Perhaps you should drop her a hint that she can find many views on relationships to adult children and to small grandchildren on here.

My eldest son has been a great support during 11 months shielding. His younger brother lives in another city so has only been able offer moral support. However it has left me feeling very dependent which I don’t like as I normally do everything myself. I would definitely want an outside person to help me with any personal care in the future

Tbh I don’t think we should EXPECT anything! They didn’t ask to come into this world. A very wealthy but Childress friend was told me “it’s alright for you, you have four children to care for you in your old age, I have no one”, ironically it is me looking after my elderly Mum, whilst she lived in another country to both her parents, both sadly passed now

I hope not to need any. DD is talking of building a granny flat but I wouldn't want to move there. It is in the middle of nowhere. Who knows what the future holds.

I rarely ask my son to do anything for me but I know that should I need it he would offer. We tend to forget that everyone (not just us older people) are struggling during these times. My son and his partner are still working full time and their teenage son is off school. We have always been a family that look forward to get togethers and holiday together but this hasn't been possible for over a year I feel my son is more stressed than I am so I would never presume that he had to "help" me.

It depends largely i think on what you think of as 'caring'? Some support of course, for shopping, cleaning, taking to appts- which id hope would be offered, or wether another person sees it as 'personal care' like washing bathing, showering, etc..i dont think id want that, not even from strangers as a carer- but help with getting out& about, or a shop etc yes.But whilst its "not what we had children for" (of course its not!) back in the day it was often what was accepted, the elderly lived with their family& family took care of them.As is still such in many Mediterranean and asian families, so why do we brits balk at this idea? Would we not jump in feet first if we have/had to care for our AC? Yes of course we would/do.We love them.So what's the difference? I would be a bit wary of the offer promised to the OP though, who is to know whats going to happen in the future? Circumstances could change, and this may not be able to be offered.Too late then.?

*sorry, offered to OP's friend

I imagine it varies from family to family.

In my case, I wouldn't mind moving to a town nearer my children who live in roughly the same area but I wouldn't wish to move right on top of them. The place I have in mind is near enough for me to maintain friendships where I currently live.

Caring for aged relations from a long way away can be hard as I know from experience.

Even if you don't provide the actual care, it is nice to be able to easily socially visit. I'd consider making it easier for my children to do this without long car journeys.

I don't want my children looking after my personal care either, but there are an awful lot of other day to day things that come up as I found with my mum. Shopping, collecting prescriptions, dealing with workmen, sorting out paperwork. Where are all the paid carers coming from who will do all the small stuff? When I was a young mum a friend and I got friendly with a gran at the school gates, she had been widowed quite young and moved in with her family to look after the grandchildren. Whilst the GC were small all worked well but later when they had gone to uni and the parents were on their own, mum was soon moved to a home although she had told us they were going to look after her. Ever since I have promised myself I would avoid that one.

I have the opposite, my son, partner and baby are moving in with me from 50 miles away so that they can help me on my bad days (fibromyalgia/lupus) and I can help them with childcare as they are struggling with covid restrictions and trying to study/work. I did not expect them to help me, but its nice that we can have a mutually beneficial arrangement. We are all under no illusion that if it doesn't work out they will move into their own place but this gives them chance to get back on their feet.

I would hope my daughter would help with things like shopping or small things, take me to occasional medical appointments, and keep an eye on me if I got to the point of having difficulties. And I know she would. But I would never want to be a burden to her, or spoil her own life with looking after me. If it got to the point where I needed a great deal of care, I would want her to find me a place in a nice nursing home.

A 'home' or sheltered housing will be dismissed more in the future perhaps, as it has shown us in the covid 19 situation that these have been a 'dangerous' place to live (care homes more than sheltered housing i suppose) due to the fast and far spread virus, resulting in many deaths.Who in all honesty is going to want to 'dare' rush off to one in the future? I certainly wouldn't.

I would never expect my son to be my career. Like a previous poster, if I can no longer live as I do I would look for residential care or assisted living. My son knows this and supports this view.
But I know people who have had elderly relatives live them and it has worked well. Horses for courses.

Not fair to rely on our children. I wouldn’t expect any support but would be pleasantly surprised if, when needed, I received help.

A 'granny flat' sounds like a great idea, for those whom it is possible, its a good compromise.

I would not expect my DC to give support. If your DC mean tasks like shopping, taking you to medical appointments then that would be reasonable. When it comes to managing a home,providing daily care needs, totally different story. Some people do not realise the work involved, the time it takes, anxiety and stress created when providing support. If you want to move, provide,childcare then do so without the condition of "support" in exchange. What your idea and need for support may be totally different from that of your AC.

Maybe 'assisted living' is another choice.but actual care homes, after covid horror, i would swerve.