AIBU to expect birthday cards?

Granmafaraway

Dear Gransnet Grans, I am a grandma, researching what it is to be a grandma in these changed times. I live in Scotland, but my three children have settled in England, New Zealand, and America, so I am in the position of being ‘Grandma Faraway’. I am interested in the whole experience of being a grandma. Now with the time to give to it (since I have no grandma childminding obligations), I am pursuing a PhD in Ethnology and Folklore (similar to Anthropology) on Grandmas, and how we are passing on our family history. In these changed times our grandchildren hear and see plenty of stories, but we are told our own family history is important for establishing our sense of identity and providing a foundation for mental health. See marycane.uk for my website and Facebook: Shining a Light on Grandma where I have been sharing my research findings. Grandmothers can be a key resource for grandchildren, and I am interested in hearing both the difficulties and the solutions that people are working with at gransnet.

I think this needs to be a separate thread

Same here but with a granddaughter of 16 not even a text
Bloody rude if you ask me

My son and his wife feel that cards are not eco friendly and they never send them although my granddaughter will make me one but she is only 7

Even adult GC are usually included on a family card, I don't think young adults now send cards. One of us usually starts a thread on the family WhatsApp and the GC usually send lots of emojis. Different world I am afraid.

I agree with WildSwan 16.

My dearest daughter just loved sending cards for every occasion but my sons have never bothered but a,ways ring me up and one I happen to be living with during the pandemic, would always take me out for dinner.
Our family has a Whatsapp group and young ones generally send a text message, but DD called me yesterday to say her eldest so. In his 30s had only texted and not sent a card and she felt really hurt. I sent her a card via Moonpig because I am overseas but just because I know she cares so much and the same to my grandsons and great grandson but not to anyone else as they get eCards. My late dearest husband always left me to Birthday and Christmas cards. It never upset me because I knew he loved me and I was happy to do it.. so I am very sorry for the OP but as long as close family gets in touch we must accept that the Internet is the way of communication these days!

I don't expect anything ....then if something arrives - it's a lovely surprise....

Sadly, I agree with all the posters who say that young people no longer consider sending cards. We, who have grown up with this tradition, do tend to expect them and are often disappointed when they do not arrive.
We just have to learn to live with this, I think. The rest of the world is not going to "return" to this tradition, in my opinion.
Just recently though, a friend, somewhat younger than me, but with well-grown Grandchildren, decided to start writing to me, as she said she can express herself better and more easily when writing, than in a text! We now live hundreds of miles away from each other, following our recent move.

Greeting Cards are a total rip-off. TBH I would not want my g.children to waste their money in this way. Love it if any of them feel inclined to make a home-made card or greetings of any sort. Think the younger generation are far more likely to send out such greetings by electronic means. But......also TBH, not getting anything from them would not really upset me - they have many more things to take their attention than an oldies birthday.

I've only been married a yr and don't think I have to be a ready-made babysitter. My husband and I are having real issues w this. It was ok to babysit at a moments notice when you were single but that's no longer the case. I refuse to have my schedule dictated to me by someone else. My husband moved in w me and thinks his grandkids can come other whenever. Not so fast. I don't have children and have been good to his grandkids but I work from hm and don't like a 5yr old interrupting me ever minute bcuz she seems to not understand that she can't. The other is a teenage boy meaning I have to always be completely dressed in my own hm.

My 90yr old sister-in-law is obsessed with cards and always has been, Neither my DS or DD have seen her for years but if they don't send cards (prompted by me) I never hear the end of it. For her 90th DS sent her a video of DGDs singing "Happy Birthday" but she wasn't impressed, 9 months later she's still complaining she didn't get a card! Please don't end up like her, you could mention it to the parents but I don't think you would want cards that are begrudged.

I’m lucky if I ever get one from my son. Daughter in law never reminds him. I used to buy all my husbands family cards and he’d write in them. How times have changed.

Well, your posts have certainly given me a whole different perspective, thank you. And no, Dolphin, I won’t end up like your SIL and will appreciate that we live in a different world. I shall continue to send them birthday, Christmas and Easter cards in which I usually enclose vast amounts of money!

Sunny side up I don’t think you should feel hurt at not receiving cards from your grandsons. They are still young and being boys it’s not really uppermost in their minds. I think you should ask the parents why their names were not included but I think they could have at least sent you a txt.

So many young people now see sending cards as “irrelevant”, perhaps it’s because a text or a gif on messenger is so much easier for them. One of my daughters still sends, the other stopped years ago....thus passing this attitude on to their own children , so, so sad.

If you are sending money then I sincerely hope you get a thank you by whatever means.
If you don't that is definitely something to get upset about and the parents should be made aware.

I have four grandchildren and would expect a card from them probably bought from their parents. I am lucky to have thoughtful dil one the other trends to make middle son go out and get stuff. As I get older I do feel a little bit forgotten especially this past year.

It does seem rather thoughtless to leave the boys' names off as they are still only quite young and cards are so meaningful, even moreso with the lockdown. I really understand how you must be feeling.

I have given up expecting cards, sometimes I get them from all of them and sometimes not. This year I received a mass of Mothers Day Cards and a few Christmas cards from my son and five gc. But I do get birthday wishes sent on Facebook. I am happy with this, I know they care and love me.

Harris27

I have four grandchildren and would expect a card from them probably bought from their parents. I am lucky to have thoughtful dil one the other trends to make middle son go out and get stuff. As I get older I do feel a little bit forgotten especially this past year.

Why is it up to your DIL?

When we married 40 years ago we agreed that we would each sort out cards and presents for our one 'side' of the family (of roughly equal size), and have stuck to that ever since. I took responsibility for deciding on and buying presents for our children when they came along (still do, now I think about it) and my husband buys and posts birthday cards to them and to their partners. We only send Christmas cards to a few older relatives who would be upset without them, and again, we each do our own. When the children were at home we included them on the cards we sent, and it became up to them when they left.

Obviously it is up to your son and DIL how they sort this between them, but women are not the default card-senders, surely?

We are a fairly close family, but I would be furious to be blamed by an in-law because my husband or adult children didn't send a card.

Barmeyoldbat

I have given up expecting cards, sometimes I get them from all of them and sometimes not. This year I received a mass of Mothers Day Cards and a few Christmas cards from my son and five gc. But I do get birthday wishes sent on Facebook. I am happy with this, I know they care and love me.

I think that this is the main thing. A phone call is lovely, and a video call of some sort is even better - in fact they show more consideration, IMO, as they take longer than writing out a bought card, and they have to be done on the day, rather than fitted in when there is time.

Facebook messages can be looked at over and over, which I also think is lovely.

@notspaghetti ....

Unfortunately, it's not just the youngsters who don't bother opening cards, I'm guilty of this too.

It's my 53rd birthday today and I will be seeing my younger son this afternoon so I'll be with him to open my card but yesterday cards arrived in the post from my mother and sister (I recognised their handwriting on the envelopes), these went straight in the recycling bin unopened (we don't get on and I can't see why they bother sending cards).

On the subject of grandchildren sending cards, both of my sons always send their grandmother cards on mother's day, her birthday and at xmas and have never had to be reminded - just because I can't stand my mother, it doesn't mean they have to hate her too.

My parents would be really upset if I forgot to send cards for their birthdays, anniversary plus Mother's and Father's day. They never forget for me - including anniversary and my husband's birthday. Its not hard to remember - set a reminder on your online calendar (for the younger generation) if you have trouble. I really think that £1 (or even less) for a card plus a stamp is affordable for pretty much everyone. If you do happen to forget to post a card in time then a phone call is always welcome as a substitute. I think the young generation now are very selfish compared to my generation (X) - I'm inclined to say stop sending them cards and presents if they cannot be bothered.

I agree with Saetana. I think a card and a stamp is affordable for just about any age. In our family, even if the present was delayed the card would turn up on the day to show that person that they were remembered and valued. Each person has a birthday book which is a great way to remember. I am not on Facebook, because I value having real friends, so would never receive any social media greetings. I am still sending and receiving birthday cards to a small group of junior school friends as well which is absolutely lovely. We never don’t acknowledge people’s birthdays in my family and it’s never a chore and is done cheerfully and graciously. Cards are now coming with less wrapping and you can purchase cards in charity shops for very little. My grandchildren have often made cards, but now older send them themselves. Always with a lovely and heartfelt message. It’s a beautiful tradition and one that should be encouraged especially in these challenging days of lockdown when people will feel isolated and lonely. Our children and grandchildren should be encouraged to think of others and not just themselves. Otherwise what sort of world are we to expect in the future.

No, younger generation doesn't do cards. My DGC send me a Birthday video or a Smartshow 3d collage but never an actual card and I'm fine with that. I don't think cards are still a thing to them.

Eagleswings - whilst I understand the tradition of sending cards and how some people appreciate them, I think it is unfair to assume that not sending them is children and grandchildren being selfish or being taught to not think of others. Reaching out via telephone, message, or pre-Covid by visiting has always been my preferred way to celebrate with someone. I don’t do cards and neither do my children, but that doesn’t mean they don’t think of other people. In fact signing their name to a piece of paper to me it far less effort than actually having a conversation, visiting or crafting a personal message. The world is changing, the way that people communicate is changing too, the very existence of this forum is an example of that. The fact that something is digital rather than physical doesn’t (IMO) negate the sentiment behind the message.