New nanny - feeling a little left out

With my own daughter, I went to stay for a week when she came home from hospital but I'd been there four days before I actually held my baby granddaughter.
It was full-on for me running the house for them: doing the laundry, cooking, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning, gardening, walking the dog, you name it!

They have a second baby due this month but I know what my role is again, this time with a four year old to help care for as well ?

If you feel left out, it usually due to unmatched expectations.

Contacting them daily is way too much, i would dial it down to twice a week max and wait for them to contact you, including visits.
Please wait to be invited.

Please do not compare yourself with anybody else, including the maternal grandmother.

The relationship with the parents and baby is not determined by whose side you belong to (paternal or maternal), but from the previous relationship you had with them - before baby

Before baby:

How often did you call them?
How many visits to your home and for how long?
How often did the parents call you and visit you?

Please do not expect an increase in frequency just because baby is here.

If anything, the frequency may be less because they are busier than before.

It is not personal, the parents are rearranging their priorities and you might not be as high in their list as you wish

Congratulations Nannyto!

Our 8th DGC was born last week to my youngest son and DiL. We were invited to meet him three days after he was born, DiLs mum is staying to help out as you would expect. Of course we were besotted, but apart from a couple of texts there has been no further contact, and nor would I expect there to be. I would try to wait for a response to a text before sending another one. Yes, it's hard, but it will pay dividends in the future if you don't seem too needy now. If you are at all craft minded, why not start making something for the little one, that will help you to feel that you are doing something? You have wonderful times ahead of you!

Hi Nannyto
Congrats on your new baby grandson.
Of course it's natural that your DIL would feel closer to her own Mum so please try not to feel left out.
Just offer your support, either in practical terms or other as needed.
There are lots of things you can do, like dropping off some cooked food, some home-made goodies, cakes etc.
Right now they are trying to adjust to their new baby and coping with feeding. changing and caring for him.
It's exhausting as we all remember. Your DIL may be trying to establish breast feeding and some sort of new routine surrounding the baby. I would say give them some space and let them know you're there when they need you.
Enjoy the exciting days ahead, there's plenty of time.

As paternal grandparents to our sons’ children I can tell you that we ‘played it safe’ when the little ones were newborns. We visited (with the maternal grandparents) the hospital straight after the birth, we sent gifts for the baby and ready meals for the parents, accepted offers to visit and made occasional calls to check everything was okay, but otherwise we stepped back and waited........until one of our sons called us and said he and his wife had expected, and hoped, that we would be much more involved. Since then we’ve been every bit as much a part of the little one’s life as the maternal grandparents have been.

Our other grandson is co-parented and so we’ve been very much ‘hands on’ since he was weaned. His mother’s family lives abroad so she’s always been very grateful for our involvement.

There will come a time when everything levels out and you find your place in the lives of your children and grandchildren Nannyto. In the meantime I’d ditch the daily calls for a weekly one and send a once-a-week text saying you’re around to help if needed.

Congratulations on becoming a granny!

Many congratulations.
Your post is similar to so many from new paternal grandparents.
I have two sons and no daughter. My advice panic not. I know you love your new little boy. I adore all mine but this is such early days. It is much easier for a mum to have her own mum to help. I know it hurts but most women are closer to their own mums. I liked my MIl very much but we had never lived together and I found it easier to have my mum around because we were used to each other’s ways.
They are probably trying to work out a routine and just because you feel a bit left out at the moment doesn’t mean it will carry on like this. It is such early days.
Your son and DIL sound a lovely couple. Don’t spoil things by being too pushy. It will be fine. I know it’s sooo hard not to be jealous of the other grandparents but it will be ok just bide your time. We have a wonderful relationship with both our DILs and all our DGC. Just give them time to recover a bit.

To answer your question OP, yes maybe a wee bit of an overreaction. But you can’t help how you feel, it’s totally natural to want to spend loads of time with them. What you can do though, is be conscious of your behaviour. It’s still early days as your wise DH has pointed out and you have a lifetime of memories to be made with your extended family.
Give them time to adjust and as others have said, don’t make it into a competition.

The frequency with which you saw them pre-baby might give you a bit of insight into what to expect now post baby?

Congratulations on becoming a grandparent!

What help have you offered?

Don’t think about what you’d like to do ie babysit! Think about what the parents would like.

Be supportive kind and unjudgemental and not pushy. And all will work out. If you’re not - you’ll set the tone

Been there for the last year . Take a step back . And just be there when needed. Not easy at all I was exactly the same . Have to go through my son now . He is I year old month and I’ve seen him about 6-8 times in that year . And he is adorable. Can’t tell you how sad it’s been missing his little milestones in that year .

First of all congratulations, all grandparents feel an overwhelming love for their grandchildren which takes you by surprise!
3 weeks its all new to them, l would knock the messages every day on the head and give them time and space.Its natural your dear dil will want her mothers support and help.
Just give them room to adjust and offer if help is needed you have a whole lifetime to bond with your grandson, enjoy the best is yet to come.

My grandchildren are 17 and 15 and I still feel left out - my daughter rarely visited and I was rarely asked to baby sit whilst they went to Grandmas and stayed over night. I still rarely see them and my daughter does not really talk to me about them and recently there have been some issues that I really think I could have given impartial advice o. My son however with his little devil - he often calls me and video calls as he lives a fair way away

Nannyto, I can sympathize with you, my dear gs is now 21 and I have never been allowed to do anything for him, yet dil family could take him anywhere when he was a young boy

Yes, I am afraid that this is the case with paternal grandparents . They are probably far too busy to reply to messages which may just get overlooked . I am a paternal Grandma to two and while I adore my dil like a daughter it is her mother who gets the lion's share . I am afraid that you jst have to accept that. I have reluctantly . It is just the way it. It is just the way it is. It was ever thus. Don't let it upset you. it is the order of things. Just enjoy your gs and don't whatever you do, let any resentment show as time goes on.

Please don’t be upset the other replies says less contact and I think good advice, it is early days. I do however agree that the mothers parents get the most time and their opinions are listened too. I adore my grandson and have a fantastic relationship with him but a lot of not making any comment and only advice if I am sure it’s asked for, and much bitting my tongue in the early days, my grandson loves me and I provide the contrast to the other granny. It works because we all love him to bits

It happens with maternal grandmothers too. And we’re never invited up but do hace gd 2 afternoons a week. I miss my daughter our friendship and also realise that she has her own family now. But it’s hard.....

A beautiful new grqndson- how wonderful! I agree with all the above posts apart from thinking paternal grandparents are always sidelined. My DIL is European & so her own mother is far away and I feel Im playing a vital role as the UK granny, we also get on very well. My own DD & I are very close and she is also married to a European, although both families live over 3 hours away. I find the paternal grandparents often see more of the family than I do, even though they also live in Europe. It’s not the amount of time you spend with your DGC but very much the quality, as Ive often been told on this forum, and its so true. Your little GS will love you to the moon and back Im sure. Congratulations!

This happened to me but the other way around. My SIL's mother and/or his sister were at the house every day. I didn't feel I could go or was needed as one, the other or both were always there. Even now (years later) they visit every Saturday regardless and on the odd occasion I've been there at the same time they've made me feel very uncomfortable. I don't like the way they treat my DD but she says she tolerates it just to keep the peace. They think the sun shines out of SIL's backside and really only go to see him and the grandchildren. SIL says they've always been like that with him (he's the only boy) and worries it would hurt them if he said anything. He offered to when it first started but DD told him not to bother as she didn't want to cause any upset in his family. Now it's just become the norm.

Give yourself a big hug, smother his picture with kisses and back off. Three weeks is nothing! Can you recall how it felt to be a new mum? Who did you want near? It is a long road, being a grandparent. Love them all and see what happens. Good luck!

I am a maternal grandmother. But I feel exactly the same my SIL mother takes over. I worked and she doesn't, I felt so pushed out. Now I am retired and I see my daughter weekly. The other grandma and I are getting on better now as well. I would take a step back. Make sure you are friendly to her Mum even invite her out for coffee. It really helps.

Exactly Jill !
I love the fact that, in our case, both sets of Grandparents respect each other. We all bring different things to the table as it were , which can only be enriching surely.
As you say, we all love her to bits !

Just a thought- maybe DiLs find breastfeeding embarrassing in front of the in-laws? I remember when we took our firstborn to visit my in-laws they said, "We've turned the heater on in the bedroom in case you need to feed her". They were trying to be kind and helpful but from then on I felt awkward feeding her when they visited and felt I had to go upstairs. I really struggled with breastfeeding, giving up at 6 weeks when she failed to gain weight. I didn't feel the same way with my own Mum as it seemed more normal for her.

I wonder how much your MIL was involved with your children in the very early days?
Its not strange that your DIL wants her mum as a preference and if you are messaging every day that's verging on pestering unless they are closed messages which I don't think they are if you are expecting an answer. I'm just a grandmother for the 10th time and the amount of involvement has varied greatly.
Be patient, let the parents get used to their new baby and try to enjoy being a grandmother instead of fretting.

Agree with all posts here. Let them settle in with their new baby. Please don’t text every day - let them come to you - they surely will. Your DIL will naturally look to her own mum first - it happens - we just have to adjust to that. Keep yourself busy - and please don’t get stewed up over the other grandparents- it is quite natural and right that the new mum will turn to her own mum. Your turn will come - be patient and understand - think of the needs of the new family first and of yourself and your needs second.

Congratulations.....on the birth of your grandson.
I could say you are extremely fortunate. Many have not been blessed with children let alone grandchildren. However, you wouldn’t want to hear that.
Instead I would say keep offering, keep paying attention but manage your expectations. It is our expectations of how others will behave which causes us grief.
How friendly have you been with the other grandparents? How good was the relationship between you and your dil. These were the foundations.
I wish you the best of luck.....