New nanny - feeling a little left out

Oh I do feel for you, I was in exact same situation. You do feel like you have to push yourself on them a bit. It really is early days though let them get settled it’s all overwhelming for your dil and she’ll want her mum to reassure her.

If you’re close to your son after few weeks do tell him how you’re feeling but don’t add that extra pressure just yet.

My granddaughter is 18 months now and we’ve not had her for sleepover yet but they are only few miles away. We are very lucky in that my husband now works from home so he childminds her one day a week and probably every other weekend we see them all. It will get better and I know what you mean about the instant love you feel for them.

I am also very lucky as my daughter then had my second granddaughter last September, now I know it from the other side (maternal grandma) and I can tell you it’s completely different dynamics, she needs me for advice etc which is lovely and we’ve never been closer.

It will get better give them time, maybe FaceTime every couple of days so you can see baby too.

Congratulations - it is the loveliest job I've ever had.
I don't know how near they live or how mobile you are, but my advice is offer to take baby out in his buggy once a week for an hour to give mum some 'me' time. Make it really clear this isn't time to get the Hoover out, or sort out the washing. Collect baby at the door - don't let her feel judged. Perhaps take some relaxing bath stuff.
And if you get to know the other grandma better, it makes life easier when baby is older.

Hithere

Before baby:

How often did you call them?
How many visits to your home and for how long?
How often did the parents call you and visit you?

Please do not expect an increase in frequency just because baby is here.

If anything, the frequency may be less because they are busier than before.

It is not personal, the parents are rearranging their priorities and you might not be as high in their list as you wish

My thoughts exactly.
Congratulations on becoming a grandparent and learn patience:
Patience to wait until you’re needed
Patience to keep quiet and judge inwardly
Patience to remember you love them all and that will shine through
Patience to see your son become a Dad and you dil a Mum.

Hi, congratulations on becoming a gran, its completely understandable how you are feeling but my advice to you would be definitely don't message every day, baby is only 3weeks old and mum and dad will still be overwhelmed and its only natural that your daughter in law will have her mum helping. Just concentrate on the coming years that you will I am sure build a good close relationship with your beautiful GS. I have 3grandchildren, sadly my younger son is now divorced but we still have a good relationship with our granddaughter, we realise her other grandmother lives closer and has more time with her but it is what it is. Our other grandchildren live down south and their other grandparents have a very close bond as they have helped bring them up but when we are able to go down we have a lovely relationship, we accept this is the downside of having sons, if it is a downside, lol.
Enjoy your grandson, I am sure you will build a lovely relationship with him over the years. Xx

Regrets I have a few........mainly how I left my in laws out and my mother had most contact with my sons. But I think this has and always will be so. How hurt mother in law must have been and what a bitch Iwas but too late now.??

My grandson (only grandchild) is 7 months old and as my daughter lives 3 hours away, between work and Covid, I have seen him twice. She does video call at least once a week for about 10 - 15 minutes. Her in laws are lovely people whom we get on well with but they are a little older than us, retired and financially well off and while they live about the same distance away, they have seen him about half a dozen times. There is no competition between us at all but I still feel sad and a little jealous. This is all down to me but doesn't make it feel any less real. I do sympathise with you but with your grandchild being so young, they are going to have their hands full and probably very tired so do not take it personal that they have not replied to your texts (assuming you have a good relationship with them). If her parents are close then it is natural that she would turn to her own mum first and is no reflection on you at all. Hang in there and things will sort themselves over time - early days yet.

NEW GRANNY Our first baby was adopted at a week old and my mother did not accept him in the same way as our home-grown daughter who arrived four and a half years later, whereas my parents-in-law loved him from the beginning. Naturally they became the preferred grandparents. I have also
heard of a son who married a woman who already had a
daughter; she was loved and accepted from the beginning by one set of grandparents, but not the other. Guess who was
closer when they later had a baby?

We have 4 adorable Grandchildren to our 3 Sons and Daughter in Laws.
They are aged from 6months to 11 years.....
Sadly in our case it have never been about fairness....the Daughter in Laws always put their families 1st in every way...all Daughter in Laws work but all Grandchildren are looked after by their parents or Sisters......we are never asked to help in any way even though we are available....never ever have we had a disagreement with them as we dont say anything incase we upset them along the way....

We have to ring and ask if we can see our Grandchildren but D.I.L's family are in and out all the time.Our Grandchildren mention things in conversation about them.....

We feel we are just visitors and not Grandparents apart from birthday and Christmas times....

We love all our Grandchildren but never imagined being Grandparents would turn out the way it has.....

Do we live miles away? No only in the same town.....

Our D.I.L. are pleasant when we are there but spend most of the time telling us how amazing their own parents are and what they are doing......

Hang in there. Keep a good relationship with your Dil and don’t pressure her, not too many texts. She needs to find her feet and sometime the only person you feel able to really let in in the early days is your own mum. I can remember feeling like it when I had my girls. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or wants to exclude you. Let her know you are happy to help whenever she needs help and that she only has to ask. You can be fairly sure she will need you - enjoy the baby when you get the chance to. I hope things settle down for you soon xx

When my Brother in law and his wife had their first child, my Mil was so excited she travelled 150 miles to see the baby still in hospital. A kind man visiting his daughter in the next bed asked if my mil and dil and new baby would like him to take a photograph of the 3 of them, it turned out to be a beautiful photograph. A few weeks later when we could all visit I asked my Brother in law if I could see the photograph, their was one big silence, his wife had actually cut my mil off the photograph because she didn’t want her own mum to know she had seen the baby first. Years passed and my mil was helping them move house she found the half cut photograph of herself hidden on the top of a wall unit. She never said anything to them. When my mil died she had kept it in her purse all those years. Sorry about butting in to this topic but it still brings a tear to my eye.

I'm the "second" nanny and it's what I expected as DIL and her DM are very close. Just make the best of the time you have, it's just how things are. No point being upset about it as this could lead to resentment which is self-defeating.
At the moment they won't need babysittters much if at all, but in time they will.

Stop texting every day! They have neither the time, nor the strength to cope and probably feel guilty about not answering you.

I feel for you and congratulate you sincerely on your grandchild, but please, please:

Sit down quietly and try really hard to remember what being a new mother was like.

Remember the insecurity, the sheer tiredness, the constant anxiety "Why is he crying like that? Is he wet, cold, too hot, hungry, dirty nappy or what?"

Then think quite honestly, what did your mother and your mother in law do out of the goodness of their hearts that drove you nearly mad?

Don't say nothing! Think about it - there you are, I knew there was something.

Now grab your phone and text your son, "Sorry, realise I have been overdoing the text messages. Maintaining radio silence so you can get your breath back. PHONE IF YOU NEED ME, any hour of the day or night. Love you all to bits"

I am the paternal Nana but see more of my gd than her maternal Nanny. My DiL laughs when I ask if her Mum has been round and says that if her daughter happened to be a puppy her Mum would be there every day. Says it all really.

Congratulations on the birth of your grandchild. My daughter inlaw had my granddaughter baby 30th nov because she was early no one could see her for first six weeks as she was in hospital and I’m yet to meet her because of covid and not allowed to travel. I’m travelling to see her end of the month. Daughter inlaws parents only live round corner but also haven’t seen her much but through a window etc. Also now in a park. I’ve had loads of photos and videos. Also my other grandkids think I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen them due to covid and travel. Before covid I’d see maybe once a month etc. I don’t message any of my daughter inlaws or sons everyday. Couple of times a week and video calls. One daughter inlaw floods me with videos and photos other doesn’t. It’s understandable you want to see your grandkid but so does everything else. Give them a break and don’t suffocate them. You will get your time you have to be patient.

Back off ! If you don't you risk ruining your future involvement

Whilst I understand that a daughter may favour her mum when she has a child, I do not subscribe to the fact that paternal grandma's should be prepared to take a backstand - dad's have feelings too.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slow down. It’s only been 3 weeks. I’d say mum and dad aren’t ignoring your messages they will be busy with your gs. Please don’t feel left out. Maternal grans are normally much more involved in the early days. Just relax. Don’t read more into it than it is.

I know that feeling too. Its Is diff when sons baby I find. .I have had a hard time adapting to my sons gf we hadn't even met when my son announced she was pregnant. .they oniy saw each other maybe on a sat eve.so meeting us wasn't important. Casual relationship. So son said. So that was how our new grandson arrived. She stayed. At her mums all way thru pregnancy. Tho I asked. If moving in she put it off . my son has a son 9. Years old who lives with his ex . gf doesn't get on with and we don't see him much either. As always wants to go home. Its heartbreaking . .but how it is. .new gf had baby with her mum there at the birth .my son was left out as her mum was there 24/7 after birth as I expected gf went back to her parents. Leaving my son and us not having met our new grandson at all . so upsetting. After lot pressure to move in with son she finally came and moved in GS was about a week old. She complained she wanted a bit longer. My son was on parental leave so could help and get into routine himself and needed to. . so we hadn't got used to gf even as been living mums . it. Wasn't a good start. Nor is it now .we liked her and tried best to forget about the. Start and see GS. Then covid came and we couldn't visit .she did break rules seeing her mother tho. Shopping tog and going in her house visiting. We didn't so missed out seeing lot GS. My sons boy had a letter from school saying one child in the year had tested positive. Not his class. But soon as he came to stay weekend and they didn't know about the isolation needed now. She was off to her mums and won't come back til ten days is up as had started a new job. And doesn't want to be off. That's the excuse anyway. Acc to govt guidelines only my GS needs to isolate. Not siblings at school even. Long as no symptoms. Over those ten days. She couldn't get back to her mums quick enough. She's 31 BTW . my son had to ho to her mums after the birth and beg gf to cone to his as they were supposed be a family. Her mum happily looking after his new son in her home. Saying her daughters mummy's girl. .I still don't think any mother should come between anyone and take a new baby away from the dad. He hadn't even seen him since born. The gf sees nothing wrong in it she wants her mother. It seems she just wanted a baby her and her mum could bring up. My son had his own house she could share .but didn't.choose to. Until pressured. . she is supposed be moving back tomorrow but her mums covering child care. And think she will be off again soon as there's a disagreement. Her bro visited her mum too and tested positive covid last year. Her mum had to isolate then as been seeing regularly. And that was only time gf stayed away ten days. I take a back seat where GS concerned. He's lovely and we were finally getting to see him. But my heart breaks for my son now deprived of his child. He's old enough to know daddy isn't there. But has to go where mum does. Hardly a normal situation. But we have to keep mouths shut. Its not looking good. Sadly. Being a grandparent isn't easy. But least if knew each other and under same roof helps. Gf thinks baby is all hers and her mums. Dads do tend to have little rights unfortunately.

Been there three times you get used to it. However the pain it causes each time is awful but there very little you can do. Be there and pray they need you one day.

I have a GD who was born in lockdown, she is one next month and ive seen and held her ONLY ONCE- at about 6wks old! Ive seen her on facetime only twice- thats how its been for many of us in this pandemic- so please stop whinging and be grateful.(sorry don't mean to be harsh, but there IS still a pandemic on and still rules about seeing/not seeing folk you know) and my DinL has always included me more than her own mother, its the person you are which makes you close to in-laws or GC, not any family 'pecking order'- ive always been as close to my sons kids as my DD's kids(more even, as i used to go care for my sons DD in special baby care as her mum was so ill.) Its the kind of person/gran you are that gets/keeps you 'involved' in their lives.Not who'se mum you are in the first place. ?

I agree with all that has been said. Please do not let this eat you up! When I had my children many years ago all I wanted was my Mum , be happy your DIL has a sound relationship with her mother , she has only just delivered her child and may be be very overwhelmed just now. My daughters were exactly the same after having their children. Of course you love your new grandson and want to be involved and you will be in time . However if you contact them everyday you are at risk of alienating yourself from your lovely family. Please be patient and give the new mum space and time. I recognize it must be so difficult for you when all you want is to help. The reality is your DIL will naturally go to her mum if she needs advise and guidance. Things will change I feel sure and when that happens your heart will surge with joy! and you will be the most loving and caring grandma ! I do feel for you as I know it is upsetting you. However your new little man will grow and you will have every opportunity to be involved in his development. They know you are there and your son is in a difficult situation and will quite rightly be putting his wife first. Contact them of course but perhaps not quite so often. Good luck and congratulations grandma !!

Perhaps try making friends with your sons in laws? Invite them for afternoon tea, dinner. Show an interest in them, and their daughter - then you can mention how you care for them all, love your gs etc. Ask how you can help, what do they need that you could help with...the better friends you and the in laws are the more they will think to include you. I would stop with messages every night though, once or twice a week just to offer help and 'check in'

Well I think this is to do with who your son is. If he was a lad who wasn't good at replying to your texts, I am afraid he'll be the same with your nightly texts asking how they all are. And the DIL isn't obviously going to take over his responsibility for replying to you. I have to say I think perhaps texting every night is evidently too often based on how often they're being answered. If I were you, later on I'd try to get close to the DIL and establish direct communication with her, and bypass your son. That's what I had to do and it's been working well.

I thought we were only allowed to meet outdoors? I don’t know where you are but here we certainly can’t meet others indoors so you were lucky to meet your GS at all really. When I had my youngest child I had a younger friend who was really excited for us and after he was born she came round every night. I was fond of her but I was just so tired! When I asked her if she could visit less often she was really angry and took it really personally. I never saw her again. The point being, I just needed time and space, it didn’t mean that I didn’t want to see her at all, which is the way she took it! I think your son and DIL might be feeling this way, and I wanted my mum not MIL when I had just given birth.