Naming of step grandparents

He doesn’t have to accept uncle
But neither does she have to accept a grandfather name.

Leave blaming your ex out of it, it could be her choice. Accept it, find a compromise name, move on.

My ggs has 3 sets of grandparents due to divorce/remarriages. He calls his step grandparents ‘Granny/Grandad’ followed by their names. It gets more complicated when we move up a generation to the great grandparents and step great grandparents! He calls us Nanna/Granny/Grampy/Grampy followed by where we live. Poor boy has too many of us….3 grannies, 3 grandads. 4 great grans and 3 great grandads…….I think!

MamaCaz

"We think this is so her birth father doesn't get angry with the little one (or daughter) if she should refer to him as Grandpa in years to come. (He's still the same bully as ever)"

I took that that 'issue' as being something between daughter and her father, the OP's ex, and the likely reason why daughter does not want the stepfather to be called Grandpa, but I don't see how it is why it should preclude compromise between daughter, mother and mother's husband over a different but mutually-acceptable name.

because daughter does not want it and appears to have a reason for her decision

A rose by any other name will still smell as sweet.

The title means nothing.
And no the parents have control.

Let the love and care he shows for the child make that child form it’s opinion of him.

My children were young when I remarried they called my husband by his name straight away. As I did they just copied me They have had nothing to do with their biological father for decades now.
Over the years they gave us cards for special occasions for mum and dad and that's what we are to them. When the grandchildren were born we were called nanny and grandad without hesitation.
It's unfair to call someone uncle when clearly they are not. I think your daughter is entitled to her opinion. However I would have a word with her about it to be fair on your husband.

ElaineI

Can't she call him a different name like Pops or Papa or something else similar? Either that or his Christian name. Not worth getting upset.

My thoughts too perhaps Opa which is German and Dutch . It is far easier to say too for little ones .

I agree with Elaine there are other alternatives. Definitely not worth making a big issue out of this.

So your daughter was about 17 when her stepfather came into your lives? She's probably never seen him as a father figure. He's probably Mum's husband. If that's right, then your husband has obviously seen the relationship as very different than your daughter has. That might hurt to realise but, to your daughter, her mother's husband is not a grandfather. You might need to choose a name that doesn't suggest that kind of relationship.

As others have said it’s really a parental decision to make. Your DH may have treated her like his own, but she was an adult when he entered her life and she has a father, so maybe the emotional closeness just isn’t there for her.

I had loads of “aunties” and “uncles” growing up who weren’t biologically related to me, the title was used because they were close to our family and to show that.

I don’t doubt your DH loves this child, but to have this issue be so serious that it’s “an elephant in the room squashing your life” is a bit melodramatic. Have you asked your DD why she chose the uncle route?

Calling your husband "uncle so-and-so" is a bit unusual but it is ultimately their choice. My parents already had 'grandparent' names that my niece and nephew called them so that was the default, but we let the in-laws choose theirs. I didn't think it was really up to us to dictate what they would be called (I would have liked to haha) but maybe it's different with step relations. Why don't you just ask why this was the chosen name and suggest an alternative that might make your husband feel more included? If there's already a Grandpa then choose something else. There are so many other options - Pop, Pa, Gramps etc. If they're adamant on uncle then accept it with a smile and move on.

I think you should let your daughter know that this is upsetting your husband. I agree he should not be called anything he does not like - nobody should.

You may find that the child herself starts to use a pet name for him when she starts to talk which will solve the problem and no doubt delight him.

My thoughts on this would be what sort of role do the actual grandparents play in the life of the grandchild? if they are alive and a constant presence in the child/ren's life/lives then I think the step grandparent should be deferential and perhaps not appropriate a title that might cause problems. As others have pointed out on this thread there are umpteen variants of Grandad/pa Grandma/nana that could be used.

Every case is different of course, I became a step grandparent when I was a relatively new mother with a six year old and three year old, so I had no desire to become a grandma too back then. My husband had his first set of children very young, early twenties so he was a relatively young grandfather. Those grandchildren are now in their twenties I have always been in their lives since they were born and have a good relationship with them, I am simply known to them by my Christian name that works well for us I think. Both their actual grandmothers are still alive and I wouldn't want to usurp their positions.

Surely the child will decide? My son and DIL decided my husband wasn't to be called grandfather, the children decided otherwise in certain circumstances but also use his first name which happens to be his preference. It always upset him that our children called him dad once they started mixing with other children as he always wanted to be called by his own name.

I think your daughter has the right to decide in this one but Could you calmly suggest missing out the uncle bit and just be granny and Bob/Jack/Arthur or whatever his first name is ?

I’m not being rude when I say I find it hard to believe this name issue is “breaking his heart”.

And your ex needs to be considered, who can blame your daughter for wanting to keep the peace !

When I married DH olddudders, I already had children, grandchildren and step grandchildren with the latter calling me Grandma, as their step siblings do. As DH has no children, he wasn’t a grandfather so was fine being called by his first name by all his new family. At the time, he said to the grandchildren that, with both grandfathers being alive, he was happy for them to use his first name.

My ex's new wife has insisted on being called Nanny …………. (first name) which was her choice but only her own children call her Mum.

Overall, I feel the quality of the relationships between the generations is more important than the names used. Mutual respect has grown between my DH and his newly acquired family members, which is a joy to me because it could have been very different.

I totally understand where OP is coming from…Both my daughters were teenagers when my husband came into our lives 15 years ago. They both call him by his first name but their children call him papa, it’s just lovely. His grandchildren who were born first, on the other hand call me by my first name, we did try to do the same thing with them by sending cards signing with our preferred grandparent names along with the gifts but it was not to be, their parents had their own views..not that it was discussed it was just made clear when Xmas Cards were sent. As OP said, It did hurt but we don’t see them often and now that I have my own gc it’s not such a tug at the heart strings.

Ashcombe

When I married DH olddudders, I already had children, grandchildren and step grandchildren with the latter calling me Grandma, as their step siblings do. As DH has no children, he wasn’t a grandfather so was fine being called by his first name by all his new family. At the time, he said to the grandchildren that, with both grandfathers being alive, he was happy for them to use his first name.

My ex's new wife has insisted on being called Nanny …………. (first name) which was her choice but only her own children call her Mum.

Overall, I feel the quality of the relationships between the generations is more important than the names used. Mutual respect has grown between my DH and his newly acquired family members, which is a joy to me because it could have been very different.

Exactly so. My short forename is easy for the very young to catch hold of, and I am more than happy to be addressed as such, as I would be by adults. Ashcombe's natural daughter - she also has an adopted one, who isn't quite as natural, perhaps! - and I were at loggerheads for a while before Ashcombe and I became an official item. Her willingness to accept mum's decision, once it became clear I was genuine (I had been widowed) means I would do anything for her or her children.

I recognise the OP's dilemma, but family peace is a prize worth treasuring if hubby can swallow his pride.

My children and grands call my husband Dave, their stepdad and step grandad, Grandave.
When my eldest grandson first included Dave in his bedtime 'who loves me' chat, he said - 'that's more love'.

A close family friend married a woman with 2 young daughters who called him by his first name. The couple went on to have their own son and, at that point, the 2 girls (overnight as far as we could see) switched to call him 'Dad'. However, as they grew up they reverted to first name. Our friend brought these girls up from the time they were 2 and 4 and he gave one of them away when they married. They both adored him but they did have a birth father they were in contact with. Don't let this become a barrier between you and your daughter/grandchild. Could you come up with an alternative name if you don't like 'uncle'.?

Why not just Grandpa……whatever his first name is?

DGD doesn't have a birth grandfather (one deceased, one absent). Gran's 2nd husband is called Grandad.
Aren't all grandparent names a negotiation between that person and the parent of the child?

We are not married so the step grandchildren call me Sue! They have 2 grandmothers so they are not confused ! It works!

I am a ‘child’ (65 now) of a “blended family” so I understand how you feel. My stepfather came along when I was around 25 and so I let me DS call my SF grandad without much thought. My own DF had by that time moved 200 miles away so he used to also call him grandad. But I do understand your dilemma as I wouldn’t let my DS call the woman my father went off with and eventually married anything but her name! I’ve never to this day thought of her as ‘step’ anything or as a grandmother to my son! I used to call one grandfather grandad and I was brought up to call my other grandfather Pops. Maybe there’s a compromise to be had even with Grandad, Grampa or grampy etc. I would sit your DD down with a cup of tea and tell her you would like to calmly discuss something that is upsetting you and your DH and tell her you would prefer your DGC to call him something he feels more comfortable with, I’m sure she would understand. Also I personally don’t like uncle unless it is a proper uncle as it’s often associated with......well do I need to spell it out or am I the only one that thinks that way? Good luck.

I'm a stepmother and almost have 3 stepgrandchildren. The older two, 13 and 10, call me by first name but their baby sister who is due imminently will call me Nana, like my son's (little) children do.
This is out of respect for my husband's late wife - who was alive when the older two were born.
We have now been married 7 years and feel the new baby is my granddaughter.
I can't wait to meet her.

My GCs call my ex, their biological grandfather, Grandad - and my DH who became stepfather to my two when they were very young, “Pappy” which is what is mostly used here in France.
It avoids both confusion and any notion of “priority” and no-one has ever had a problem with it.