Husband is reluctant grandfather

Georgesgran

WHY RESURRECT AN OLD THREAD?

Because that’s what posters do 😂
The last post is referencing a poster that is no longer with us 😥

Germanshepherdsmum

The simple fact is that not everyone likes small children - I readily admit that I don’t and would be irritated if I were in your husband’s position putting up with them and the noise they inevitably make all day and the disruption of normal routine so I can see where he’s coming from. He’s not an ‘awful man’ he’s simply being honest about his feelings and perhaps he also resents sharing you. Can’t you look after them at their home both days? I shall now don my tin hat and retire behind the sofa.

I would agree wholly with Germanshepherds Mum here were it not for the fact that the children are at his (your joint) house for only one day a week.
That, I think, is being unreasonable.
He has the right to be not as interested in the grandchildren as you are but he does not have the right to spoil your enjoyment by whingeing on the one day a week that they're at your house.

Lynnybobs

I too have this issue I am.retired and my husband is not my children's dad, he is very nice when the grandchildren s parents are there but once they leave he only speaks to the girls to shout at them to be quite or make comments about the way they behave
It has resulted in cross words many times, I dread telling him they are coming over his face says it all then he say what again I'm sick of this
I've asked him not to make me chose as I will chose my family
He has today blown up because he has invited his son who has caused no end of trouble for me and my family for the entire Christmas and New year without asking me
My son has asked if the girls can stay over on boxing day
My husband has said this has ruined his Christmas and locked himself in our bedroom and is refusing to eat or talk tor
I have agreed with my son to have the girls at their house so my husbands son does not have to go home but he says that's still ruined Christmas as I will not be there for that one night, all he does is sit like book ends on the sofa with his son both with headsets on watching stuff on iPads and ignore me
The cooking will all be for me too do so if I can't see my family what kind of Christmas will it be for me
We have been married for 12 years and at first heade an effort with my kids and the now grown up grandkids but for some reason he has a massive issue with my youngest son and his girls to the point of hatred
I want out but he has nowhere to go as he moved in my house and I took am at my witts end
His family tell me I married him so it's up to me to be responsible for him as he is not going to live with any of them
He is my second husband and has proved to be worse than my first one
Any advice would be great but I am not willing to give up the girls or my children for him they have been great with him and accepted him into our family if I told them how he speaks and feels about them they would be devastated so I am on my own trying to keep everyone happy and it's killing me slowly

You need to start your own thread. People will read the original post and reply to that not you. Or they will query an old post

He cannot be given notice to move out of the matrimonial home if they are married.
That is his right to dwell there unless and until a court orders otherwise.
OP maybe you could consult a solicitor to see how you are fixed.
All the best.

WHY RESURRECT AN OLD THREAD?

It's not your problem if he has to find somewhere else to live. I am assuming you are retired so he can ask the council to house him in an elderly people's apartment block, they often have vacancies.

Tell him this is has last chance to make an effort, and that if doesn't, he'll be given notice to move out of your house.

How ridiculous, him behaving like some sort of overgrown child, who everyone must pander to.

He's responsible for himself!

I too have this issue I am.retired and my husband is not my children's dad, he is very nice when the grandchildren s parents are there but once they leave he only speaks to the girls to shout at them to be quite or make comments about the way they behave
It has resulted in cross words many times, I dread telling him they are coming over his face says it all then he say what again I'm sick of this
I've asked him not to make me chose as I will chose my family
He has today blown up because he has invited his son who has caused no end of trouble for me and my family for the entire Christmas and New year without asking me
My son has asked if the girls can stay over on boxing day
My husband has said this has ruined his Christmas and locked himself in our bedroom and is refusing to eat or talk tor
I have agreed with my son to have the girls at their house so my husbands son does not have to go home but he says that's still ruined Christmas as I will not be there for that one night, all he does is sit like book ends on the sofa with his son both with headsets on watching stuff on iPads and ignore me
The cooking will all be for me too do so if I can't see my family what kind of Christmas will it be for me
We have been married for 12 years and at first heade an effort with my kids and the now grown up grandkids but for some reason he has a massive issue with my youngest son and his girls to the point of hatred
I want out but he has nowhere to go as he moved in my house and I took am at my witts end
His family tell me I married him so it's up to me to be responsible for him as he is not going to live with any of them
He is my second husband and has proved to be worse than my first one
Any advice would be great but I am not willing to give up the girls or my children for him they have been great with him and accepted him into our family if I told them how he speaks and feels about them they would be devastated so I am on my own trying to keep everyone happy and it's killing me slowly

Notjustaprettyface

I think there are more problems than you're telling us.
Surely your husband shouldn't begrudge you a couple of days with your grandchildren when he has the rest of the days with you!
If you're really considering a move, try talking to your daughter or other children, if you have more, and she/they may be able to come up with a solution. Is it possible your daughter could make room for you?
Something like this may be the kick up the bum your husband needs, to make him realise he's being silly!!

What's the difference between being "told off" and "spoken to and having the situation explained" as Bibbity suggests?

I'm genuinely puzzled. To me a telling off could be given to anyone at any age who is doing something wrong. The responses some had suggest that telling off a child is a form of abuse!

Bibbity

18 months do not ever need to be "told off" they are babies. Redirection and distraction.
But no children learn from being "told off" being spoken to and having the situation explained is correct .
Did he have to tell off his colleagues?

That’s when my four had the most tellings off, well, my eldest anyway. By the time they were three, they didn’t need it any more. I must admit my eldest paved the way for the other three. They watched and learnt!

They don’t remember anything much now.

V3ra

DiscoDancer1975

The calling my husband ‘ dad ‘ bit.

My husband refers to me as "mummy" when he's talking to the dog, for crying out loud ???

???

He is a big spoilt, never grown up baby, you enjoy those irreplaceable times with your GC, they will never forget the love they're getting from Grandma/Nanna, unconditional, he is a big loser and they are his flesh and blood to boot.

We’re guilty of that with the dog but never with the now 36 year old child!

DiscoDancer1975

The calling my husband ‘ dad ‘ bit.

My husband refers to me as "mummy" when he's talking to the dog, for crying out loud ???

We do not know exactly what he says, nor in what circumstances. OP describes it as telling them off. Others witnessing it may disagree. Having had a child myself I can't agree that no 18 month old needs to be told off. It depends what they're doing (trying to stick something into an electric socket, reaching for something hot?) and how you do it. I don't need parenting lectures Bibbity. I'm sure I'm more than old enough to be your mother though I'm rather glad I'm not, you always seem so bad tempered.

18 months do not ever need to be "told off" they are babies. Redirection and distraction.
But no children learn from being "told off" being spoken to and having the situation explained is correct .
Did he have to tell off his colleagues?

Germanshepherdsmum

If they are never told off for doing something they shouldn’t how do they ever learn? It’s not abuse. I have suffered abuse and I wonder if you know the meaning of the word.

True, but if the only interaction the grandfather has with the children is telling them off, it doesn't bode well for their future relationship, does it?

I think that the fact that he resents your adult friendships is a sign of a bigger problem than "not particularly liking young children"! I also think his lack of willingness to work with you on a solution is a bigger problem too!!

Re your grandchildren I think you need to discuss the problem properly with him, acknowledge that you don't focus on him when they are there and that is just the way it has to be on that day!! Ask him why this bothers him so much? Try to reach a compromise that works for both of you eg. He potters about elsewhere in the house on the days they come and joins you all for lunch? You take them out for an hour or so when you can to give him a break? He takes up a hobby/meets a friend or whatever that gets him out the house to give him a break?

If he won't compromise/wont listen etc tell him that having the grandchildren is what YOU want to do so if he doesn't like it he will have to find his own solution!!

I know this is his home etc etc but it is YOUR home as well! If you have that conversation then you will have tried and if he just won't work with you then so be it.

However re the telling them off etc ... if he carries on and you feel it is unreasonable then basically you have to keep a room where you play etc, and tell him to stay out if he is going to spoil things! Having said that it is not clear what he tells them off about, is it reasonable or is it ridiculous expectations for young children?

If you went to your DDs house by the way, at least you wouldn't have to deal with HIS issues!

If they are never told off for doing something they shouldn’t how do they ever learn? It’s not abuse. I have suffered abuse and I wonder if you know the meaning of the word.

Germanshepherdsmum

No-one has said she is obsessed Galaxy. It has been suggested that she may talk a lot about her grandchildren, as many grandmothers do without realising they talk of little else.

I’m not aware of any red flags Bibbity. OP says he tells the grandchildren off (maybe with good reason, we don’t know) and wants some of his wife’s attention which perhaps he was looking forward to when he retired. He is not shown to be ‘an abusive horror’.

Have you seen the ages of the children
There is no reason to tell off a baby. She also states it is the only interaction he ever has with them.

That is abusive.

Also there are quite a few of these type threads at the moment.

But theres no evidence that she talks about them a lot. Just that she needs to watch them as they are very little.

No-one has said she is obsessed Galaxy. It has been suggested that she may talk a lot about her grandchildren, as many grandmothers do without realising they talk of little else.

I’m not aware of any red flags Bibbity. OP says he tells the grandchildren off (maybe with good reason, we don’t know) and wants some of his wife’s attention which perhaps he was looking forward to when he retired. He is not shown to be ‘an abusive horror’.

Germanshepherdsmum I don't agree with on much but I'm with you on this one!