Is this a good or a really bad idea?

My MIL came to stay to 'help' and ended up so overexcited she kept feinting and had to be put to bed and looked after for a week. Her son, my partner, bless him, stayed home and looked after us all! A 5lb 4oz baby, me 45 and first time Mum with painful stiches (couldn't climb the stairs) and MIL who had to be helped in and out of bed and couldn't walk unaided. Please don't go unless you really are going to be the sort of help they need. Looking back it was hilarious but less so at the time!

Leave them alone No Grandparents ,no Nurse. I still remember how upset I was that my mother took over when my first baby was born. I wanted to be in my own home and I would have been fine, with only my husband. She just took over and I was not strong enough to disagree with her at that time.

My daughter said this with her second baby and although I was just a little bit disappointed, I accepted her decision. It lasted until the day after her little one was born. Reality hit and she actually wanted me to see the baby. As a family, we all smiled because she visited us more in that first month than she'd visited us before!
My advice would be to accept what they say but let them know that if they need you for anything, you'll be there. If that call comes, bite your tongue for every bit of advice you feel inclined to offer, don't forget Mum is a human being so make sure you interact with her before snatching the baby () and lots of praise for their way of doing things. Honestly, being a gran is a huge learning curve but well worth the learning!

Can anyone tell me why new mums and dads ( who are usually on parental leave) need all this help these days. When my first was born I took myself on the bus to hospital ( I was in early stage labour) walked 2/4 mile from bus stop to hospital. Delivered baby 3 hours later . Through all this my husband was at work…. he drove trains…. So totally incommunicado those days…. anyway wouldn’t dream of being at birth. He came to see me when his shift was finished at 6:30 in evening . Out of hospital next day and husband went straight onto night shift. No help … no need.

…..oh and with second baby I stayed in hospital just 6 hours…. couldn’t stand the regimen imposed! We had no car and couldn’t afford the taxi fare….so got the bus outside hospital with babe wrapped in shawl.

They are lucky to have you on standby.
Just accept what they want - it is up to them to find out the joys of the first few weeks of having a newborn and I would guess that your son will be taking paternity leave as well so they can work it out between them !
Just accept what they want to do and just make it well known to them that if at any time they need help, you will be able to be there.
In fact, being there after a month or so might be a better idea as that will be when the tiredness will have really kicked in and they will appreciate your help.
Make sure you keep talking, not nagging and you will know when the time is right - however lovely it is to see a newborn, there will be plenty of other times that will have more value to your grandchild, when they will be actually able to remember the fun that you all had!

Hithduh, like you, unthinkable not to want my and DH’s close family to meet the new baby. There are cultural differences in how much the older generation is involved with the newborn. But each knows the dynamic of their own family. Those whose don’t get on well with parents or in-laws aren’t best placed to advise those who do. Help is surely usually appreciated, though not interference.
Some maternity classes seem to have their own agenda which can be aggressive at times, viz mothers being almost bullied to breastfeed when they really can’t, and issuing lists of diktats as to what relatives can and can’t do is sadly part of that.
Maybe the op’s dil might really appreciate a nurse, some must do otherwise they wouldn’t exist, and well- meant advice above might have put op off offering it. Perhaps it would be better to have a discussion with dil about what her views actually are on them!

I'm sure they will cope just fine. In 1991 when we had our first daughter, we wouldn't have dreamed of asking for help and neither set of parents would have offered. They did live locally, it's true, and popped up to the hospital but caring for our newborn was up to us, no actual support offered, given or expected. I am sure your son and dil will welcome interest and some gifts would be lovely I am sure.

Saggi
I’m sure there are many women who would have loved the birth experience that you had. Some of us weren’t so fortunate.

Definitely leave them alone. For my 1st daughter, my in-laws decided to come to 'help' I'd had a difficult birth (48hours), and warned not to do 'heavy' work. What? with 2 arthritic in-laws. FIL sent so much time in our only toilet. For my 2nd birth my DM decided she was coming, but insisted on knowing when the baby was coming so she could book her train and get a cheap fare!!. Baby was due 20th December and she didn't want her Xmas disrupted. Fortunately DD appeared Friday 13th, and cried and cried so much I wash she'd go back from whence she came. DM was no use, it was my fault the baby was crying! It took me 3 years to find out she was allergic to egg which she was getting through my milk.
Definitely don't arrange help (meals a good idea) unless asked.

IMO it’s a bad idea. I expect your DSIL will have paternity leave? You can visit them once they’ve settled into a routine and had time to bond with their baby. It’s a lovely time for you all, but you have to respect their wishes. Just make it clear that you love them and you will come and visit once they are settled and ready.

Well I didn’t have must say when my granddaughter was born as we were in lockdown and no one could travel or meet. So she was born in the nov and I didn’t get to meet her in person until she was 4 months old. I got videos and photos and I posted stuff to her. But my daughter inlaw said it give them some time to themselves because no one could visit. I’d say let them have their time to get their routines with baby and go when they ready for visits and after all baby won’t notice when you visit. Respect what you have being asked to do at end of day it’s there baby and home.

let them get on with it let them know that you can be there at the drop of a hat if needed and when you go to visit stay at a local hotels your not invading there space and they don't feel they have to take care of you

Yes, you are right. It is a really bad idea.

They may have a change of mind after the baby is born. My daughter was adamant she and her husband wanted to be in a bubble for a couple of months after babies arrival. But as baby was due in May 2020 everyone had already been isolated for many weeks, she was extremely stressed at thought of her being in hospital alone during birth. In fact for the 20 hours she was, she was frightened and crying on the phone to me all that time, husband was allowed in for last 12 hours before emergency caesarean. On coming out of hospital, I had to stay isolated so I could be in her bubble to help, it wasn’t this idyllic bubble of her imagination. I made sure I wasn’t the person looking after baby unless she asked, I cooked, prepared meals, did endless washing, and cleaned her house. Unfortunately her MIL was very upset as she was still working and some of the time was in local University’s medical school who was supporting work on vaccine development, so deemed too dangerous to meet baby and didn’t for a long time.

They've said what they want and that doesn't include a post natal nurse. Best if you do nothing and visit when invited.

Do whatever the couple want! Everyone is different in how well they cope and how much help they need. I don't remember finding it difficult to cope after the birth. I do remember my in-laws being intrusive. They visited in hospital the next day, then MiL came for a day when I went home. I can't remember her doing much to help but I do remember the photos of her holding my daughter! Thank goodness they lived a little way away or they'd have been there all the time! My own mother didn't see my daughter for a few weeks when we went to stay with her, and introduced my daughter to the rest of my family 'up North'.

The worst thing you can do is demand time to visit. My in-laws would insist on visiting every few weeks and would complain if they thought the next visit was overdue. I still regret not making more effort to see my own mum more often, but she was less demanding and my ex husband didn't want to go to visit her very often. Distance and the fact that my mum didn't drive added to the problem, so my kids had much less of a relationship with my side of the family.

Now I'm a granny I'm very aware that I'm not in competition with the other grandparents and my DS and DiL make sure we all see them as much as we can, despite them living overseas. Roll on this Summer when they are returning to the UK.

Some views sound a bit strident both ways, but everyone's experience is different I suppose. I do understand the OP's initial thoughts that they may need help, and to try to do something about that, as I very much underestimated the work and time involved in looking after an initially colicky and sleepless baby and was exhausted. DM used to travel 20 miles by bus every weekday for a few weeks to see me after DC1 was born and OH went back to work. I looked after the baby while she did every other single thing that needed doing. And she bought lovely home-baked food. I've no idea how she got time to cook it. If she hadn't have been on the early morning bus I would have been so upset, I was so desperate to see a reassuring face, but she always was. We didn't always get on but 'helping out' was a family thing and she never interfered. I was so grateful and I don't know how I would have managed without her.
I'm glad your DS and DiL are happy with the meals, that sounds an excellent idea and a good compromise.

I think a message saying that you'd love to see the baby when they are ready (and that you'll stay in a hotel) but that if they find they need some help then to let you know.

Many congratulations Phillipa. Enjoy your new GC ?

Don't do it. It's their baby, their choice. If they need help they will ask

My two children were born abroad. I was glad not to have any parents on either side available. Admittedly I was tired and when I retured to UK with 2 children I was delighted when they were the centre of attention and relatives wanted to get to know them and play with them.

I know how hard it is when you want to help but honestly respecting what the parents have asked is so so important. Even the suggestion that they need gifted, paid-for help, is quite insulting especially to an almost certainly fearful first time mum & dad. They should be well supported postnatally by their community midwife and HV and if mum plans to breastfeed she does need uninterrupted time with baby close to her. If she is struggling you can suggest she, or he, calls the National Breastfeeding Helpline 0300 100 0212 for trained support & information. An excellent website that may be useful to them is www.breastfeeding.support useful for antenatal prep as well as post birth. Have you been in contact with your DILs mother so you can both ideally be on the same page rather than possibly competing or giving conflicting or stressful "support".

I definitely wouldn't have done this. However,I would have loved a cleaner after my third child as I had medical problems and was told to rest for the first 3 weeks with no lifting or heavy housework

OP I wish you had been my mum when I had my boy. I was left alone to get on with it (with then hubby) and it was bloody hard work. Your son and DIL don’t know what they’re missing.