Is this a good or a really bad idea?

UberEats gift cards (or whatever the local meal delivery service is) would’ve been very very welcome!

MayBeMaw

If they have been doing NCT or Hypno-birthing classes I wouldn’t worry about not knowing what they are facing. These groups always foster strong friendships and support groups among (especially) first time parents.
They may already have a doula booked (I think this is the trendier version of a post-natal nurse) as they are very popular. You could make discreet enquiries and offer.
I also think a generous voucher for Cook! frozen ready meals which can be cooked from frozen might be appreciated. I have done this twice and D raves about their Lobster Macaroni Cheese!

Interesting mention of NCT. My son and his wife attended NCT classes prior to the birth of their first child and he phoned me up before the birth with a list of things which included when I would be allowed to visit them, which was not for several days after the baby was born. We were actually at the hospital the day after she was born visiting a sick relative ( we were genuinely there, it was pure coincidence that we were at the same hospital) so asked to see the baby very briefly and it was grudgingly allowed. I took a quick photo and left. I felt very left out/hurt, especially as my DIL’s family were actually allowed a proper visit.

well that was rather intrusive, after you had specifically been asked not to visit in the first few days.
it is irrelevant that you were in the hosp already; i can see why they felt annoyed.

The only time when providing this sort of help would be useful is if she has to have a Caesarean. Even then, it is up to the parents to decide.

I think they should be left to gel as a family. It may not be entirely as they had imagined at first but in the same way that you have to learn everything else they also have to learn how to look after their baby. If someone else is there to pick the child up and settle them when they cry the parents won't learn what works and that can be very disempowering to them. Also "coping" and "managing" looks different to everyone. If the parents and child are happy and healthy but there's washing to be done and a few dishes to wash - well, the dishes etc will wait.

I would say when you're thinking of visiting, ask if that's OK with them and say if they want you to come over before then, you'd be happy to do so.

I'd be careful of sending anything much to do with meals as it may be taken that you think they are inept and incapable of planning a meal. Really! We don't know what kind of diet they are eating (high protien, low carb or others!)

Probably best to stick to teddy, baby stuff, flowers and or a balloon to welcome the new baby. How can anyone get offended about those? I would play safe, give a nice gift, keep busy and wait to be asked for a visit.

These days, new parents will probably google something rather than ask a parent. I'm just saying, our kids need us less and less because they can order anything online and talk to anyone online. The internet has changed everything, for good and for bad.

I wish people would read the thread before replying, then they would see that the OP has already taken on board the advice given.

My daughter had a caesarian, so we were invited to see her in hospital on day 2, before she went home. Then her husband took paternity leave, so we did not visit again until he had gone back to work. They were very organised, so did not need much practical help, but she was glad of a bit of company for short times.

My mum lived near me, when I had my babies, and did help me.
A professional nurse or helper, tho, I would definitely not have wanted.

Definitely do not hire a nurse to help them, there are much more helpful things you could do as others here have suggested. Lots of new parents cope with a new baby without support, years ago paternity leave was not an option so mums just had to get on with it!

With my first, my husband came to collect me from hospital, took me home then had to leave me to go back to work for a meeting! Even with baby number 3 I was left on my own after a week as he went off to Germany on a training course - I coped without any family support with a new born baby, a 13 month old toddler and a very lively three year old. The only help I had was a friend who took my eldest to play group three times a week and a freezer full of food I’d made earlier!

There is some really good advice on here; I agree that you should back off and respect their decision. Offering a post natal nurse implies that you don't think they can manage and if I was the new mum I would be very offended. I would send a lovely card and say that when they are ready for you to visit (yes, stay in a hotel!) you will buy the baby a gift of their choice, in the meantime you can keep in touch via Face time, Whatsapp etc but don't overdo that either! Just give them space, they will appreciate you all the more if you do.

Thanks everyone for the very consistent advice which is much appreciated. We are going to get them a voucher for COOK? which I asked my son about and he was super excited about!
Other that we will fly over for a very short visit (a weekend basically) about a month after the birth, and of course we will stay in a hotel so we will probably only see them for a short visit each day.

Plenty of us didn't have parents around to help when our children were born. In fact when I had my children, on a new estate where a new baby seemed to be born every month, most of us did not have parents who lived anywhere convenient.

It is amazing just how well we managed without having grandparents constantly getting in the way and always knowing best.

Your son and DiL will probably mange fin and if they do not they are better off struggling to sort out their own problems than having parents rushing around them.

It is amazing just how well we managed without having grandparents constantly getting in the way and always knowing best

What a sad view of grandparents involvement!

They'll cope just fine ,its what new parents have always done .Most newborns just feed and sleep anyway .I went back to work with my 8 day old daughter in her pram beside my desk ,it was fine.In fact i think a lot of folk would be better off back at work early than being bored or getting depressed stuck at home .
I didn't find small babies hard work ,teenagers thats a whole different thing ,all help willingly accepted once puberty arrives !

Madgran77 I am thinking of those early months with a first baby, when I really think that parents are really best left to cope on their own, with visits now and again and no more. I am assuming the baby is in good health and flourishing.

By the time No 2 comes along, you are grateful for all the help you can get and have the confidenceto deal with a Grandmother who always knows best.

Not a sad view, the facts of granmothers, as displayed on GN.

I agree with M0nica

My dh was sad I said no to his mother coming to help for months

I asked him this question - so she thinks we are perfectly capable of working, being parents of anotherchild, having friendships, etc, but when there is a baby involved, we suddenly are clueless and cannot survive without her?

He agreed it makes no sense but she wanted to help, it wasn't about us, it was about what she needed.

For the life of me I cannot fathom why family are not invited to welcome the little one. That being said, this is the first in a long line of possible different points of view to wade your way through, the joy of families do not come without cost

I do not think it is a question of wider family being excluded, but a lot of Grandmothers thinking they should be included like a third parent. Lovely to see family and let them enjoy baby, but as we so often read on GN, some grandmothers seem to think they have all kinds of rights to be with the child lookafter the child and eternally tell the parents what the 'best' thing to do is.

Not a sad view, the facts of granmothers, as displayed on GN

Not ALL grandmothers either in real life OR on Gransnet! Grandmother's are not an amorphous mass of clones!!

as we so often read on GN, some grandmothers seem to think they have all kinds of rights to be with the child look after the child and eternally tell the parents what the 'best' thing to do is

And new parents whose own parents are not like that are unlikely to post about it on GN, the unhappy ones will. And grandparents who are quietly getting on with being grandparents without interference etc etc are also less likely to be going on about that on GN. The ones that feel they "have all kinds of rights to be with child, look after the child ..." etc ...they might well comment on that on GN! Which is why we see quite a few of those sorts of voncerns expressed from grandparents or from new parents on GN!

I am glad that in your second post you said some Grandmothers *Monica!

And ofcourse it is up to the new parents to decide how much they want to be "left to get on with it" ...so some would agree with Hithers preference and some would not. New parents are not an amorphous mass either!

First of all, Congratulations Philippa60.
As others have said I’d back off. I like the food ideas, but even that might be taken the wrong way. If they need help, they’ll ask.

You could always leave the offer open and let them know you would be there if they changed their minds.

I just cannot understand why people think anyone having a baby will not cope and needs help. What kind of parents are they going to be if as soon as they have produce an offspring, relatives abound offerings to help. If this couple don't have a clue as to what to expect should they be having children. This will probably seem harsh to a lot of posters but I do get annoyed at all this "they will need help, I must help" brigade. Leave the couple and baby alone until the conversation indicates you would be welcome to visit.

When I had my firstborn, a friend turned up the day I came out of hospital and spent all day sitting on the sofa drinking coffee. It was a massive intrusion but I didn’t have the heart to tell her to go. My parents wisely stayed away until they were invited. It is sometimes a good idea to let new parents muddle through and find their own way, although I guess this is a bit old fashioned now.