Help Needed but How?

effalump

Would any of their friends' parents help out for something in return eg, baking a cake or buns each week, or Artisan bread? Do you have any skills that might be useful that you can use as a thankyou?

These are not the OP's children, they are the parents' responsibility as is the house cleaning.

I doubt anyone would take on house cleaning and hours of child minding in exchange for a few buns or a loaf.
The going rate for either is at least £10 ph, more in the Home Counties.

Hithere

In the US, there is the concept of mother's helper.

Also, I would find out what the school offers, before and after.

Some gyms also offer after school programs.

We used to have them here. Basically an unqualified nanny who would do housework too. Now it's all qualifications and every one is a Nanny and won't do non- child related things (at least according to mumsnet)

MissChateline an au-pair only looks after the children, a mother's help does all the thing you mention like transporting the children, cooking & cleaning. As we are no longer in the EU I would imagine, we are back to requiring labour permits for a mothers help as they are paid a proper wage. Au-pairs could stay for a year and did not require labour permits in my days. I am quoting the rules prior to the EU, I was an au-pair myself and later employed a mother's help for 12 months very successfully in the seventies.

My daughter-in-law has a friend who is a child minder and she looks after older children, taking them to and from school, looking after them after school and during school holidays. With older children she is allowed to have more children under her care. It may be worth looking into.

Esspee

I find it sad that these days parents put their careers before the needs of their children.

I agree....but we’ll end up having another thread about working mums, which won’t be helpful for the OP.

There’s only two children here, and two high flying salaries, which I would guess are not necessary.

However...that is their choice, and as I said before, it’s for them to sort out.

Gasp! How women dare to have professional dreams!

If only fathers offered to be the stay at home parent - problem solved!

The word 'parents' does not mean exclusively women.

Nowadays plenty of couples manage to flex both their careers to give time and energy to their chldren. That includes many in high pressure, high flying jobs.

It is a question of where your priorities lie.

SueDonim

They could pay for a cleaner and the children could attend breakfast and after school clubs.

If they want help in-house, your daughter could go through an agency that supplies vetted staff.

How about if they just look after their children themselves instead of farming them out to nurseries etc. Why have children if you are not going to look after them yourselves. I think that it is awful that tiny children are put in nurseries. Oh this poor couple need someone to help with their children’s homework and someone to take them to school etc. Poor Grandparents everywhere are used for this role, used, being the operative word. Surely the Mother could give up her job and do the role she is meant to. Do they really need two cars and two holidays abroad etc. Let’s go back to the old days when Dad went to work and Mum looked after the children. I am sure children were happier then knowing that when they came home from school, Mum was there.

Wow! Could this win the award for the most judgemental, sexist, unhelpful and outdated comment of the day?

Truth hurts sometimes.

Totally agree ajswan. If you want a life full of big shiny things, don’t have children.

What a load of nonsense, Ajswan. You make it sound as though motherhood used to be some sort of utopia and that all children led some sort of cutesy Ladybird book lifestyle.

Historically, staying at home with children has been a 20th century phenomenon. Prior to that women had always worked, be it in the fields, in factories or working at home. Of course, the upper classes ‘farmed out’ their children too, but I suppose that was ok because they were rich.

All of my dc with children are ‘high flyers’ and their spouses, too. As far as I can see, my grandchildren have lovely lives (pandemic notwithstanding) and they have a wider experience of life than my own dc were able to.

My youngest, who is a doctor, hasn’t settled down yet but no doubt if she becomes a mother and decides to work part time people will then complain about doctors never being at work.

Historically, staying at home with children has been a 20th century phenomenon
My mother worked, part-time but from when I was about 4 I think.
Perhaps she was unusual.

My youngest, who is a doctor, hasn’t settled down yet but no doubt if she becomes a mother and decides to work part time people will then complain about doctors never being at work

SueDonim all the GPs at our surgery are part-time; some have children and I assume they juggle the childcare with their husbands, wives, partners.

But what if there are 2 mothers? Or 2 fathers?

Do we tell them to be less gay and go back to the good old ways?

Ladywee
I hope you are being sarcastic with your comments

M0nica

Here is a link to the trade association for au pairs.
bapaa.org.uk/.

If your daughter and SiL have such high powered, high flying careers, how come they are unable to find out for themselves how to get suitable domestic staff?

I find this odd too. Childminders do wrap around childcare.

ajswan back in the 1950s when I was a child, my mother worked, at a time when that was quite unusual, and I cannot ever remember being remotely bothered by it. I had loving and involved parents who were there if we needed them.

Oddly, the only time I got upset was on a day my mother was not working, and I came home from school early for some reason and she was not there. She had nipped out to the shops.

Strangely, the same thing happened with my children. The only time they wanted me and I was not there, I had taken a day off, once to take one of them to a hospital appointment, the other to fetch my parents-in-law, who were coming to stay.

Like SueDonim, on my mother's side women have always worked, whether they were married or not. Unlike previous generations my mother could have stayed at home, but chose not to, and returned to work when her youngest child reached school age, and I did exactly the same.

do they know another couple who are in a similar boat? I had a friend who organised with another mother and they sorted out what suited them so that they paid a decent wage to a young woman who saw one families children off in the morning and took the younger members of both families to school. In the afternoon she brought the younger ones home and provided tea for them and for the older children who walked home themselves. I think they ended up where she spent one week afternoons in one house and they all came there and then the next week in the other house. sounds a bit complicated but was actually well run and was able to deal with things like late football or netball or clubs or whatever. To do this though the couples need to have similar attitudes to what the children are allowed to do, and do they have a snack or a meal when they get back etc, but the children are well looked after and know they have someone who can sort little emergencies so lost bus pass etc out.

NanaPlenty

Hi lovely people, I’m hoping some of you might have some good ideas or have been in similar situations with some wise words….My daughter (late thirties) and son in law have two children aged boy 10 and girl 8. As parents they both have increasingly high flying career roles. The children have always been well looked after but this is becoming difficult… I clean for them once a week and spend time with the children but am neither young enough or live near enough to take on any more. My daughter recognises that they need some sort of help but doesn’t know how to start or what sort of person she needs. The main areas are taking to and from school/supervision with homework and probably some help in the holidays. I feel worried that the children spend too much time on screens and occupying themselves (nothing unusual I know). I just thought I’d put it out there see if anyone has any pearls of wisdom to pass on. Thanks in advance.

I would have thought that if their intelligent enough to work high flying jobs they would have the means to search and try to fix their child care. It has got to the serious situation where high mortgages and standards of living along with childrens' expensive school trips and all the activities children seem to need certainly makes sure two high incomes are needed. It's a normal way of life for a lot of couples. My own son and family live in the Netherlands so I am in Scotland and my dil's mum is in Poland so they never had either of us for babysitting duties unless we were there on holiday. They used the minimum paid help by organising their work hours and both of them are in very good jobs but I also think the companies they work for are more geared to family life.

I find it very strange too that both parents are having issues making these arrangements

It is very difficult when both parents work . However as they are both high flyers I imagine they are in the fortunate position of being able to pay for help with their children. An au pair would seem a perfect solution, you take care and ensure you are not doing too much.

I don't understand posters who say it is very difficult to be a 2 working parent family - it is not easy but it is not the Everest either

Plenty of both parents in the family work.

It is not rocket science to organize child care, work and life - it is what is in our plate and we learn to cope.

It is not ‘ in your plate’ it is a life style of your choice .