Advice Needed how do you deal with accusations of favouritism

jaylucy
Thank you so much for your response .Yes she has an OH & does discuss with me as he even commented to my DH Husband when they came to collect GC from our holiday last year ,asked if I favoured the other GD over his GD's !!
Which shows how far this whole thing has gone .
I know now how bad DD feels about the latest outburst as my other DD has told me . I've not had an apology though have spoken as she called due to my DH not being well over wk end & was concerned .
All of which shows ,that she realises she is unreasonable with this .

Thank you

Allsorts

I’m going to duck in a minute, but I’m that fed up with these grown up kids behaving like divas. Be yourself.

I agree. Grow up. Focus on their own lives.

Carenza123
Hi , I think you are spot on with this & almost two weeks on it still in full throttle .
As in, Father visited for 4/5days & she left it until the day before he left to lamblast him with the same vitriol .
His reaction as it was F2F was to go off but not before he told her she is unstable . Which is probably not true or helpful but is how he felt.
We have spoken since ironically on the same day that she had earlier had the 2nd outburst ,though she omitted to mention to me & still has not apologised..

Nanatuesday Sorry you are feeling low. A few suggestions:

1. Earlier this year or it may have been Autumn 2021. I received a call from her , telling me about a visit to her home the day before with Grandad & our local GD.......

If you are told about things that happened when you are not present I suggest that you just listen and say "Oh Dear! Did it get sorted in the end?" ie. When you are not present at an event being recounted, don't give opinions, comment on anything really. Just listen, show suitable sympathy to your daughter.

2. My SIL questioned my Husband on whether "I favoured the other GD"!!!

Best response to this might be to answer with another question..."Why are you asking that?" "What gave you that impression?" ie getting some clarity about the thinking behind such a question. Anything else can easily be dismissed as "protests too much" and just gives more cause for angst, from SILs/DDs perspective, I suspect

3. *....Then whoosh there it was "You Did" "You Said "
"I know you don't think you do favour etc" OMG it was out of the blue ( as per ) & left me in tears .....my reaction was to actually address it head on . I just came out with "you mean the whole time we were sat in the garden you were watching every move & listening to my every word just so you could pull me up!...*

Perhaps an alternative response would be "Good heavens, why on earth didn't you say something at the time if you were concerned with what I did/said?" And then wait for a reply. Putting the ball back in DDs court to get clarity about exactly what the concern is. And listen!

Your response to what she says will depend on the specifics but the aim is to stop saying things that sound like justification of "your misdemeanours"! Maybe "Oh did it come over like that? The children seemed to be enjoying themselves didn't they" OR "Ok. So what would you like me to do differently next time?" As in getting her to articulate what she wants rather than what she doesn't want!

The idea is to get her to articulate and express specifics rather than vague accusations which are getting everyone nowhere

4. I ended up saying that she has a problem & needs to look at herself & ask herself why she is doing this what her problem is

I absolutely understand why you said this at the time when so upset, fed up after all your hard work and what you thought was a happy time. However you could try a different, less "accusatory" response ("accusatory" is what she is doing to you, and not likely to lead to problem solving). An alternative might be:

"You often tell me that I favour X over Y. I am not aware of that, do not feel that and am struggling to understand why you think it. Please tell me why you think this"

If her response is "You did ..." and "then you did ..." you might reply "Oh! And why does that suggest I favour X over Y? I don't understand how that shows favouritism. Can you explain please"

The point of this is that you are putting the onus on DD to consider and explain herself rather than you ending up "justifying" yourself.

5. * I did also say to appease her more than anything that I did not think I favoured one over the other but it could be an unconscious thing. All 3 are different.*

If you don't believe that you do something it might be best to avoid saying things you don't really mean to "appease her". This is likely to be thrown back at you in a negative way the next time something is observed that she is unhappy about

6. And in that her 2 are very much involved in things that in my opinion they should not be whether its the Politically Correct Woke or in appropriate TV Viewing I accept that as they have an older sibling they will be subjected to these things !!...

I am unclear whether you said the bit about "politically correct woke" directly to your daughter. if you did, probably best to keep out of any such comments which I think you probably already know. If you did say it directly might be helpful to apologise for THAT comment and acknowledge that it isn't really your business. Might help to calm things down a bit so that other conversations can be had re the deeper issue of "favouritism"

A key thing in this whole process is to really really listen so that you get some idea of what is going on between you. Keeping a focus on her explaining so that you understand and listening might help you both in the long run.

All of the above is meant kindly. Good luck [flowers

I long ago realised that what anyone does/says in any situation is capable of being totally misinterpreted by the other person involved.

A couple of years ago, in the course of a conversation, my DD suddenly turned round and listed, in a quiet voice, all the ways I had failed in her teenage years (she was at this time, about 45) and when she had finished resumed our previous conversation as if nothing had happened. I was left reeling.

I knew that some of the things she said were right, but others varied from misunderstood to downwright wrong, but after digesting this diatribe for a few days I discussed with both with DH and DS and they both also contradicted things she said. I have not discussed the issue with her at all because, at the end of the day they are her memories, and right or wrong, arguing over the past is pointless.

One of my sisters was the same, blaming me for things my mother did. In her case in the aftermath of my father's death we were able to be open with each other and when I explained our mother's behaviour from my experience, we did resolve the issue.

Like others, I think you are the victimof your DD's insecurities, however misplaced these may be. All you can do is be firm and even handed, and quiet and say that you love both your children equally and treat your grandchildren equally, as well, and then refuse to discuss or argue it through with her. In a situation like this you will never convince your DD, so why try?

I think there are various things you could do. One is the turning it back on her "Oh I'm sorry you feel like that. What would you like me to do?"
The other needs a bit of a sense of humour about things and perhaps she won't cope with it. When anyone in our family comes out with "He's your favourite or he always got away with stuff I didn't" I completely agree with them and give the supposed favourite an extra hug whilst making sure everyone knows it is a joke. I'm not sure how this would go down with your GDs reporting back to their mum.

Glorianny , Thank you for your very well executed response , I will take on board the things you have mentioned as I believe you are right .
It is hard though at the time although both my EX OH & myself should be used to it now .
I will get back to you again later this week .Thank You though for taking the time to respond to me.