Personality change

Caleo

Esspee, I have experienced something of the sort though not a daughter in law relationship.

I came to the conclusion imaginary transgressions pertain to someone who needs to demonise you so they can legitimately feel okay about some way they know they are treating you badly.

I have come back to this thread as it was trending and discovered a few posts directed to me.
Thank you Caleo I believe you have hit the nail on the head.
Herfornow No not hallucinations as far as I know, just inventions of things that were untrue.
Thank you VioletSky, not severe mental illness, more like a personality disorder.

We've tried to encourage to see all their romantic relationships as a team so when they get to having children, it isn't such a dramatic change in thinking.

Maybe Norah some don't want to think their offspring is in a team with someoneelse - but some, (me included) feel we have been a great team with our parrners/spouse, know how great that is and hope our children have this too.

I really hope my children are part of a strong team. I want them to be solid enough to fight the world together, side by side if necessary!

Maliandbryn2

Your son and his wife are a team and they both probably got angry at you. Your son is the one approaching you about it, because typically thats how it works. The child goes to their own parent.

Its not necessarily about coming to their senses either. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, you always must forge a good relationship with both the parents. Maybe you overstepped in some way. Did you apologize? Backing off is smart. But u don't back off in hopes they become less crazy or something. You apologize for whatever they're mad at you for, and then back off til they trust you again.

Posters rarely believe their child to be on a team with the other parent, particularly a son. Why is that? Sons have as much say in their homes and childrens lives as the children's mum.

Your son and his wife are a team and they both probably got angry at you. Your son is the one approaching you about it, because typically thats how it works. The child goes to their own parent.

Its not necessarily about coming to their senses either. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, you always must forge a good relationship with both the parents. Maybe you overstepped in some way. Did you apologize? Backing off is smart. But u don't back off in hopes they become less crazy or something. You apologize for whatever they're mad at you for, and then back off til they trust you again.

Has she approached you prior with boundaries? New parents usually have a list of them for people who will be around their kids. I would ask what they are and remember to follow them. You could have overstepped unknowingly and she decided to put her guard up more. Remember you always need to have a relationship with the parents first and foremost before having a relationship with their child.

I fear you may be an overbearing mother in law. Diagnosing your daughter in law will not help your cause. Try to tone it down and be respectful of space.

Oh boy..I went through exactly the same experience only, in my case, it was not my DiL who was being snappy and vitriolic, it was my own son; After the first realisation that our relationship had somewhat shifted and that he was now being hurtful, I just chose to remove myself from the picture entirely and let the two of them be, so that things would not get to a point where it would be too difficult to mend them.

But it was basically what you describe: a complete U turn from what our relationship as mother and son used to be. So, I would say it is not hormones or post natal depression and obviously it does not just happen to young mothers; apparently fathers too. I think it is due to the anxiety and stress of a totally new situation of extreme responsibility , a new situation in which one or the other in the couple will maybe not cope so well. In your case, as in the majority of cases, it is the DiL. In my case, it was my own son.

I don't think there is anything to be gained by continuing to try to approach them or trying a different approach or whatever. Just back off and let them be. I trust they will come to their senses in time, and if they don't, then they don't. Hard, I know, but do you really have a choice?

Esspee, I have experienced something of the sort though not a daughter in law relationship.

I came to the conclusion imaginary transgressions pertain to someone who needs to demonise you so they can legitimately feel okay about some way they know they are treating you badly.

I did all I could to help her and my son with the baby. Then last year...she just changed towards me. Now I can do nothing right. She will verbally attack me and accuse me of all kinds of rubbish for no reason

Because you can’t identify the problem, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Did they ask for help??

What comprises the rubbish?? For no reason??

She verbally attacks you for what?? Her rubbish notions?

At one stage I found my in-laws overbearing and told DH to ask them to go. They had parked their campervan in our drive and insisted on "helping". I thought it was to be for a week or so but they showed no sign of leaving.
They drove off after saying they'd never darken our door again!
It didn't last and a less intense relationship ensued. Thankfully.

Esspee your poor DIL suffering such severe mental illness. Hope she has good support

Esspee, do you mean she was having hallucinations? That's scary, and very sad for you, I'm sorry x

The ‘baby’ is nearly 2 maybe the changes from a baby to a near toddler is exhausting her maybe she doesn’t need as much help maybe she just wants to paddle along in her own way
If your son would see any conversation as an attack on her suggests there have been problems previously

Follow her lead liberte and go or do when asked etc etc and lay back on the adoration perhaps she’s afraid her son is going to be spoilt heading towards the terrible twos are you over soft on him It’s hard to guide as we ve no idea what this ‘rubbish and awful things’ she says are

The imaginary transgressions I mentioned in my post were just that, totally imaginary. I was fully supportive, didn’t offer advice unless asked and was full of praise.
I understand what the OP is saying having experienced it myself and feel she is being patronised by many on this thread.
I have come to the conclusion that my daughter in law has a mental illness brought on by giving birth. The personality change is unbelievable. The OP has my complete sympathy.

Liberte, is your daughter in law the sort of person who is easily persuaded by someone else? Is she slightly gullible?

What I have in mind is that she may have met some new friend who persuaded her that mothers in law should keep their distance.

You know, it’s not just the mother whose personality changes after birth. I’ve watched some of my friends turn into totally unrecognisable people when the grandchildren come along.

??

OP

We are usually born with a thyroid

I mention the thyroid as postpartum women are claimed to be hormonal as a justification for their behaviour

Hithere - I'm puzzled by your thyroid comment - when a poster mentions hormones is that what you're assuming they mean? Or maybe you meant something else.
There are lots of other hormones produced in the body, including insulin and the ones involved with reproductive system. Fluctuations in levels of any of these can cause mood swings etc.
By the way, not all of us do have a thyroid. Mine was removed some years ago due to the problems it was causing - too much hormone!

My son is not approachable on this and would see it as an attack on her.
It sounds as though the poster has raised the subject and been rebuffed; this isn't helpful.
Surely something along the lines of: I seem to have upset your wife unintentionally; is there anything I can do to put it right? would be reasonable, asked once, and once only and a reply given and accepted. It might well be: ' for goodness sake leave us alone', but at least she would know.

Personally, when I became a mother - it looked like ILs thought I did not know how to be an adult when baby was involved - and they were in a different continent over the phone!
I cut that crap so fast! As a mother, I am/was in no mood to cater to adults for their benefit and my detriment

How often are you feeding my gc?
Let her cry or you will spoil her
Baby needs water and baby powder (against medical advice)
Honey is good for babies.....
You have to shave baby's head so hair grows stronger

You get the idea - unsolicited advice thinking they knew better

The real problem wasn't the ILs, it was my husband believing his mother, thinking we couldn't manage without her...

I told him very clearly - so we both work, pay our bills on time, are productive members of society and out of the blue we cannot function just because we had a baby?

He changed his tune and admitted he wanted to make his mother happy and let her "help"

So yes, some mothers and some grandparents do change after baby comes, it is not just the mothers and "hormones"

Dont we all have a thyroid? I thought so

Esspee

I have had exactly the same experience. I was so happy when they married, was even asked to be there for the birth of my first grandchild yet within a few days I was being accused of imaginary transgressions. It is heartbreaking.

This is mainly because new mothers are under so much pressure and are overly tired. It is up to grandparents to back pedal in order to give the new parents space to cope with the huge change in our lives. I think the first grandchild is a big eye opener for Grandparents with their relationships with the Parents. If you can learn from that experience, it gets easier with the next births.

I don't think it's fair or sensible to label something as imaginary simply because you don't recognise it though, esspee? Presumably these things felt real to your dil?

I think there's a bit generational gap in how people react to having their perspective invalidated. The younger generations are far less likely to tolerate this, the older generations sometimes cannot get their head around the issue, its so commonplace. I certainly remember as a child being routinely told my thoughts/feelings/perspectives were nothing more than my imagination. When i was younger i probably did brush off others' perspectives without really thinking about it, so i can understand how people fall into this trap. However, i think once you are aware of what gaslighting is it feels very uncomfortable to insinuate that someone elses own thoughts and feelings are wrong. It feels much healthier to say, "you have your opinion and i have mine. I'll try to be concious of x, can you please be concious of y?" recollections may vary and all that... T

I have had exactly the same experience. I was so happy when they married, was even asked to be there for the birth of my first grandchild yet within a few days I was being accused of imaginary transgressions. It is heartbreaking.

I've known many mothers, myself included, whose personalities seemed to change post baby. Some had a chemical or hormonal issue you could label, some didn't. The main factor for ALL was that having the baby or additional baby represented such an increase in emotional and/or physical workload that they became quite direct at times in cutting out the stressful/annoying/excessively time consuming things in their lives.

Some people live their entire lives trying to be polite and accomodating of others, then they have a baby and no longer have the energy for it. It can also give them the strength to stop worrying so much about other's viewpoint and suit themselves for once.

Perhaps your good relationship with your dil is based on a deference she no longer has the will or energy to show you?