Handling parenting styles of our 3 kids

Blimey - wouldn't be coming to yours ever CanadianNonna. Sorry but you go with the flow of the parents and ??? with toys on carpeted areas? My DGC eat some things same as adults, some not - I know what each will eat - they have their own plates age dependant.I have no idea what you. mean by toys on carpeted areas - we have carpets and tiles, DD1 has same, DD2 has carpets and laminate and tiles - toys go anywhere. We all have washable mats for painting, play dough etc. If a tantrum -child is usually taken out and cuddled or sent to a different room - age dependant - all these things are decided and executed by our DDs. It sounds like your DGC are all normal and all different and if you want to see them at your house tear up your rules!

I'm starting to worry about Christmas now! My eldest son, who had no children, has decided it was too much for me last year and has invited us all to his house. Last time the children stayed with him he gave up the main bedroom to the family but he has a small house and after the second day they came back to my house.
I'm worrying about how he will manage cooking etc with a full house but I suppose that's not my problem.

Elaine1 I m with you I can never understand ‘my house my rules’ How can small children understand when going for a brief visit, rules that suddenly change especially for such a short visit
If they ve been used to playing on the tiles and suddenly they can’t it’s going to take them a few days to get used to remembering that they can’t (then they go home) and it changes again
I m afraid I ve always been the opposite and tried to blend in with what the children were used to to keep everyone happy after all it’s a short time to accommodate

You’re obviously very biased towards you own grandchild canadagran who you say lives with you or nearby so knows all your rules and regulations and is in familiar surroundings

Five small children thrown together with all their different ways, personalities, and different ways of being brought up will be chaotic Five days is a blink of the eye accept it and them and their different ways and breathe once they ve all gone home

I used to have five of my grandkids (cousins) for two weeks summer holiday they had fun the place was a tip each day and they were all so different but they got on and I hope they have good childhood memories My home is still standing

I have rules.
No jumping on the sofa or beds, no getting down from the table then coming back, no food or drinks unless sitting down, no rummaging around and helping themselves to things without checking (unless they're toddlers)
Nobody is allowed in my bedroom without an invite.

As far as I'm concerned, that is fairly basic stuff, regardless of whose house the children are in.

Just realised what an old fart I sound

I suppose I was a fairly laid back Nan (although I used to get worn out) I didn’t really ‘set’ rules, obviously if they did something massively wrong but they were all reasonably well brought up although with completely different parenting styles so there were no massive problems I have a big house and one of their absolute favourites was hide and seek in all four corners my only rule was they put everything back before I checked, it was always done they’d scurry around putting everything back in place

They were fun times I just hope they all remember them when they’re old and grey

However the big difference was I didn’t have the parents there for those holidays maybe it wouldn’t have been so laid back if different sets of parents were involved ( I dread to think ) so I do think you ve got your work cut out and it could be a nightmare if the parents all have different rules and ways of bringing their little ones up
No I don’t envy you I hope it goes better than you expect canadagran next time

Did anyone actually enjoy this visit?
It’s a long time to all be together.
We had all our family together at our seaside cottage for the last two years. Just a long weekend . Never again! The house isnt big enough for 15 people and 3 dogs. They come as separate families now.

I don’t think I could have coped and I’m pretty resilient. you must have a very large home to accommodate so many, feed, wash etc. At most I could fit 4/5 people and that would be tight.
You did extremely well and I don’t think I could do all that work for 13 people. So well done you. Most certainlybhavevtgectukescyiu mention.
I feel inadequate.

Sorry, should have read, most certainly go by the rules you mention.

Sometimes parents have to understand that the behaviour they allow from their children in their home, isn't acceptable to everyone. Of course it's up to parents how they parent, and it's fair enough if those children are in someone else's home and that behaviour is unacceptable, for them to say so.

I have my GC here in my home a lot and I have very similar house rules as MissAdventure. I don't expect anyone to wander around my house with food, jump up and down on my furniture, damage my flooring or cause any damage. Having toys strewn all over the floor doesn't bother me at all, so long as there's no trip hazard to anyone. The odd bit ofwailing or crying is to be expected occasionally with small children but I don't expect, or want, full on screaming melt down for days on end; that's horrendous for everyone concerned and I'd expect the parents to deal with that promptly (I'm fortunate that it's never occurred). On reading through some of the posts on this thread, it looks as though I'm a strict granny in comparison to some; possibly so but children, just like adults, are never too young to learn about respect for others and themselves.

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From my point of view, these rules are reasonable, but I doubt the parents will agree. However, by next year the children will be a year older and their parents might just have reviewed their ideas.

And I’d imagine that by next year there could be completely different ‘issues’, so I wouldn’t be buying different plates, or setting rules about where they can play with toys.
I think I’d feel very unwelcome if I was issued with a set of rules about my children’s behaviour before a visit of a few days. I think I would wait until any undesirable behaviour actually happens, then discuss it with the parents if it is unbearable.

I think I'd be embarrassed that my children had behaved in such a way as to necessitate being supplied with rules before I visited again.

Our grandchildren spend many weekends with us seaside, no problems. I expect our children to keep control. I'd not tell their parents what to allow or make rules, but they wouldn't be invited back if the grandchildren didn't behave well.

'Grannie's house, Grannie's rules' is fine if Grannie in charge. But when parents are there, Grannie isn't in charge.

I see Dgd alone, with both parents, with mum alone, and with just dad. Each situation generates different behaviour.

I wouldn't care if the queen was in charge.
My sofa doesn't get jumped on.

MissAdventure

I have rules.
No jumping on the sofa or beds, no getting down from the table then coming back, no food or drinks unless sitting down, no rummaging around and helping themselves to things without checking (unless they're toddlers)
Nobody is allowed in my bedroom without an invite.

As far as I'm concerned, that is fairly basic stuff, regardless of whose house the children are in.

Just realised what an old fart I sound

No Miss A, not an old fart at all. Clearly someone who respects other peoples homes and property and expects the same in return.

My AC were brought up to have manners and consideration from a very early age and in turn they have instilled this same behaviour in their children. My GC are not little angels by any means but they do respect my home and anywhere else they might visit and can be relied upon to not wreck peoples property.

The youngest was staying with her family at some friends in the US and everyone was sitting down to a lovely home cooked dinner. The child of the hosts kicked off because he said didn't want what his mother had cooked, my GD just chipped in with "shut up and eat up, its a home not a restaurant"!

Why is it considered acceptable for children to run riot in other peoples home simply because they are allowed to behave that way at home?

Chewbacca

I have my GC here in my home a lot and I have very similar house rules as MissAdventure. I don't expect anyone to wander around my house with food, jump up and down on my furniture, damage my flooring or cause any damage. Having toys strewn all over the floor doesn't bother me at all, so long as there's no trip hazard to anyone. The odd bit ofwailing or crying is to be expected occasionally with small children but I don't expect, or want, full on screaming melt down for days on end; that's horrendous for everyone concerned and I'd expect the parents to deal with that promptly (I'm fortunate that it's never occurred). On reading through some of the posts on this thread, it looks as though I'm a strict granny in comparison to some; possibly so but children, just like adults, are never too young to learn about respect for others and themselves.

I also, until they moved a year ago, had my grandchildren at my house frequently and from a young age. They learnt and understood very quickly what was and was not allowed in our house and they stuck to that whether with their parents or not. When looking after them at their house we stuck to the norm for them there apart from a couple of things I found dangerous so I just said "that's OK if Daddy and Mummy are here, but Nanny doesn't like it, so not whilst I am looking after you!" Again very quickly accepted!

I think having them from a young age and regularly, helped them to understand different behaviours in different places or with different people which I think was a good lesson. I rarely see them now but notice that when they do on rare occasions come to our house they slip in to Nanny's house expectations without even needing a reminder. Yes like you Chewbacca I might come over as strict but in fact I think the kids felt/feel secure because expectations are clear. And the "rules" were reasonable and the reasons for them (safety, not ruining things etc) were all clearly explained.

I think for the OP it's a bit harder as they have not been regular visitors from a young age. I wouldn't send an email though, I would talk about expectations in a chat!

thank you all so much!
re - can’t we remove or distract? That’s actually what we would like but the parents won’t remove them. distracting doesn’t work when they are raging - as in screaming lying down on the kitchen floor while i’m trying to make dinner

thank you for the ideas
since i write this and we have had the space and quiet to discuss i have discovered that my husband is severely impacted by the screaming and crying as he has poor hearing even with top quality hearing aides - the hearing aides amplify the loudest sounds in the room so it’s much worse for him. that’s going to be our go to in the discussion and then it’s about him not the kids parenting
we would never send a list - we will do a zoom call

our hardwood floors were damaged when one 3 year old brought rocks into the house. when i was making the beds - his was full of rocks

the condition of their rooms and bathrooms was deplorable

adding to the list - a cleaner when they leave

Sorry OP - your dh should manage his issue with hearing instead of transferring his limitations to guests

I get it - I hear everything too much and faint noises bother me
But I won't ask my kids to restrict their activities to make me more comfortable

You like a living room full of rocks?
My friend came downstairs to find her son had made a row of sandcastles on her sofa once.

by insecure i mean they exhibit anxiety when mom is not in site. at dinner the 3 and 4.5 fight over who sits in her lap and then step son yells at them. not the kids fault. and the do need to learn to behave in public as next april we are all going to an all inclusive resort but we have our own rooms. i’m not talking about the occasional meltdown - it’s non stop over everything - no boundaries and they never say no. it’s the parents but we can’t fix that but if the parents can’t follow some basic rules that respect our space then i’d rather they not come.

I don't think that asking your AC to control their children when in your home is restricting their activities. CanadianNonna's H being impacted by children screaming and crying should of course be bought to the parents attention.

IMO that's a diplomatic way of entering into the conversation CanadianNonna. I hope you can get things sorted so the next time they visit it's a much more relaxed and enjoyable occasion.

children from divorced families follow different sets of rules

the rules in our case are for the PARENTS to supervise their kids
we would discuss over a zoom call never email

i other parents of small kids their age do these things all the time and have bites here no problem

i think i’d we discuss and explain and keep it simple it’s not a lot and if it’s then i guess they won’t come

Sorry OP - your dh should manage his issue with hearing instead of transferring his limitations to guests

I disagree. He's already managing his hearing issue by using high spec hearing aids. It's a far better solution for everyone if the parents of these children manage the issues of screaming tantrums and meltdowns, causing damage to someone else's home and creating such a stressful and miserable experience for the homeowners that they'd rather they didn't stay again. Poor parenting is no one else's responsibility to manage except the parents. Not expecting your kids to restrict their activities to make me more comfortable is fine in your home; not so fine when your a guest in someone else's.

My boys have never had the slightest difficulty working out how to behave how far they can push things wherever they are staying.

That's because they were taught the basics from the start.