Are we being unreasonable?

Smileless2012

I wouldn't say that doing any of the things you've mentioned was common sense, common practice maybe. That said not taking a baby out along a some remote country lane where a car (could) kill you both, is common sense.

I agree Smileless. There is a distinct difference between "common practice" and "common sense".

I agree "Violet Sky" that common sense can be informed by the knowledge available at the time, to inform sound judgement, but I do think common sense can be more than that too.

I mean some knowledge is really just common sense in itself, it's not going to change through "the available knowledge at the time" as in "don't jump in front of a galloping horse" or "don't jump off a high cliff" or "don't take a young child on a narrow country lane where a car might kill you/them"

So yes it changes and if you don't change with it you are risking a babies life for what? Pride because that is how you did things?

I'm not sure anyone is suggesting that people shouldn't change from what they did previously...??

Thanks Madgran. I haven’t seen anyone suggesting grandparents shouldn’t keep up with current common sense, informed as it will be by current knowledge and research. It’s good to see the support fir parents asking family members not to touch their babies face or hands.

SIDS is terrifying and just one of the many risks mentioned.

So I will always advocate current advice especially to young inexperienced mums.

When I am fortunate enough to be a grandma myself I don't think I would want to ever have a baby under 6 months in my care unless it was an emergency. Simply being close to mum reduces SIDS by 50%

What is common sense to me is not common for other

What is common sense, forward face at 1 year old, 2 yo, 3, etc?a

Many adults survived childhood despite their upbringing

Things become common practice because people think they are common sense.

There shouldn’t be that much disconnect here

Very good graphic, VioletSky. I wouldn't ever have minded my grandchildren under 6 months as they were all breast fed and just went everywhere with mum. I'm surprised when I hear of parents going away when baby is very young and leaving baby with relatives - I don't think it's fair on either baby or minder.

I think most grandparents would inform themselves about modern advice about safety etc, even before first grandchild is born. I was a bit worried when parents seemed to know less about safety than I did - particularly the risk of bed sharing with soft bedding. It's difficult to give advice in those circumstances, but hard to keep quiet too!

I know this thread is wandering from original post, but since OP hasn't come back, it might as well become a general discussion!

farmor

I did have a couple of issues, long time ago now

But my mother thought breastfeeding was disgusting and I had to leave the room in my own home. She also thought it was selfish as no one else could feed baby. She also thought formula much better than anything I could make.

My aunt gave my baby ice cream at 4 months when that wasn't recommended and he had reflux and was really poorly.

Another aunt would put them down on their tummies to sleep saying they would sleep better. She also didn't want me to vaccinate thinking they would get autism which I always thought was nonsense.

I didn't say anything much to any of them, definiyely wasnt rude, just said what i preferred and just quietly did things my own way and ignored it...

But many mums have told me similar stories over the years

So I really felt it needed to be said, lots of sensible grandparents or great aunties around too

Exactly Madgran and you're right, no one's suggested that people shouldn't make changes to how things were done in the past.

Some things are common sense like the one previously mentioned about not walking down a narrow country lane with your GC (or on your own for that matter) in case you get hit by a car and killed.

I'm sure you're right Farmor about most GP's being informed of up to date acceptable practices, either by doing research themselves or more likely being informed by their GC's parents.

I have no regrets saying it

I have happily taken on board anything my daughter says is now the acceptable way of doing things.

I think back to when I smoked with a baby in my arms, drove them all over the place without seatbelts,
numerous things which would be close to illegal these days.

She isn’t especially fussy, brings them up pretty much like we raised ours, but she definitely and rightly doesn’t take any chances with their safety

VioletSky

I have no regrets saying it

I'm not sure what you said that you have no regrets about Violet?

Yes SIDS is a concern ...but I am trying to work out where this fits on this thread? Unless you mean that advice used to be to lie on tummies until this was linked to SIDS? If so that is a good example of where new knowledge has informed best practice/common practice, I agree.

I can't really see a link though to using common sense about taking a small child onto a country lane with no pavements etc... such a decision isn't informed by new research etc like sleeping and SIDS was, is it?

It really depends if the person you leave your baby or child with practices common sense in all things, sadly some think they know best when they don't or definitely shouldn't be placing what they think is best as more important in what are not their decisions.

When people think it is fine to do that, they make me uncomfortable

It really depends if the person you leave your baby or child with practices common sense in all things, sadly some think they know best when they don't or definitely shouldn't be placing what they think is best as more important in what are not their decisions

Well yes. Choosing who to leave one's baby with is clearly key and parents must make that choice and stick with it. I certainly did.

I believe most posters have been saying quite rightly that OP has to go along with parents wishes or just not babysit, as it is the parents decision. I think they have been saying that even if they don't agree with the parents wishes. Saying they don't agree does not automatically equate with advocating ignoring parental wishes.

I know there will always be examples of grandparents ignoring parental wishes and I am sorry you went through that with your Mum. As you say, lots of sensible grandparents around too ?

Madgran77 "I believe most posters have been saying quite rightly that OP has to go along with parents wishes or just not babysit, as it is the parents decision. I think they have been saying that even if they don't agree with the parents wishes. Saying they don't agree does not automatically equate with advocating ignoring parental wishes."

Agreed.

However, I think there are many GP who act on the thought "what happens at GP stays at GP" and equally disturbing "my children are fine, I must have raised them correctly" (look to infant mortality rates).

Those 2 thoughts lead to many disputes. Not all AC want their children eating choco buttons, crisps, drinking fizzys.

Many AC want naps and bedtimes strictly observed, none of the "oh they wanted to stay up". There are people who insist on times observed.

Some dislike the telly, sorry they just do.

Yes Norah there are some GPS that think like that as evidenced on GN and I have observed. There are also many who don't.

Neither GPS or parents of young children are an amorphous mass of common thinking, thank goodness!!

Madgran77

Yes Norah there are some GPS that think like that as evidenced on GN and I have observed. There are also many who don't.

Neither GPS or parents of young children are an amorphous mass of common thinking, thank goodness!!

Agreed.

I pointed to common disputes. Some GP know everything about grandchildren, they think. But that way goes upset families.

Norah is correct

Which is why it concerns me seeing advice given that may very well damage a relationship.

Parents have the right to choose and they will choose caregivers based on trust. Breaking trust will damage the relationship.

Vs pretty much summed it up in two paragraphs

Another aunt would put them down on their tummies to sleep saying they would sleep better

That was the rule in the 1970s, VioletSky!

Woe betide any young mother who failed to heed that advice, sorry order from the Health Visitor. Visiting the Baby Clinic was not so much for advice as to be told what you must do with your child. Perhaps your aunt had been told, as we were, that it would help to prevent SIDs.
My DD hated it but I persevered because of that fear.
I was more relaxed and confident with DC2.

Norah yes there are some common themes seen when difficulties arise. I agree.

VioletSky

Norah is correct

Which is why it concerns me seeing advice given that may very well damage a relationship.

Parents have the right to choose and they will choose caregivers based on trust. Breaking trust will damage the relationship.

Quite a few posters have expressed very similar to Norah and to your point about trust/breaking trust VS, which is good.

I suppose in the end people will give the advice they give, which other posters will agree with or not agree with. What matters is that the OP takes the advice that she feels will work for her and her family, and hopefully she will be right in her choice.

However, as we are now 11 pages in, and she hasn't been back for ages, maybe she has given up on us all anyway.

Callistemon21

^Another aunt would put them down on their tummies to sleep saying they would sleep better^

That was the rule in the 1970s, VioletSky!

Woe betide any young mother who failed to heed that advice, sorry order from the Health Visitor. Visiting the Baby Clinic was not so much for advice as to be told what you must do with your child. Perhaps your aunt had been told, as we were, that it would help to prevent SIDs.
My DD hated it but I persevered because of that fear.
I was more relaxed and confident with DC2.

I posted an info graphic yesterday which shows how sleeping òn their backs reduced instances of SIDS by a great amount.

I appreciate my aunt was a mother in the 70s

However, advice changed in the 90s, so I politely didn't do as she suggested and turned them after she put them down.

If they change the advice back (given the correlation of data, this is unlikely but still) I will follow parents direction and respect their choices....

Not my baby, not my responsibility... theirs

If something were to happen in my cate, I would at least have the comfort of having followed instructions to the letter

Madgran I agree we are all asked for advice or opinion and we all give it... personally I don't tend to want to pursue an argument about whose advice or opinion is "correct" but that is hard when others quote or use your name to disagree thus forcing you to answer...

There are "buts" for me though

1, if the advice given goes against current guidelines on child safety or may otherwise cause direct or indirect harm to a child on balance.

2, If the advice given may damage a relationship, I think it matters to point that out. That relationship may be someone's whole world. It's easy to just throw an answer into the wind without thinking about the consequences.

3, the advice or opinion is in any way discriminatory.

Those are my rules for myself in discussion... that and no one gets to tell people what they think/mean or who they are

I like them

VioletSky

Madgran I agree we are all asked for advice or opinion and we all give it... personally I don't tend to want to pursue an argument about whose advice or opinion is "correct" but that is hard when others quote or use your name to disagree thus forcing you to answer...

There are "buts" for me though

1, if the advice given goes against current guidelines on child safety or may otherwise cause direct or indirect harm to a child on balance.

2, If the advice given may damage a relationship, I think it matters to point that out. That relationship may be someone's whole world. It's easy to just throw an answer into the wind without thinking about the consequences.

3, the advice or opinion is in any way discriminatory.

Those are my rules for myself in discussion... that and no one gets to tell people what they think/mean or who they are

I like them

Yup, makes sense!

I suppose a name gets used to clarify which post someone is commenting on, which can help to avoid misunderstandings. I don't really see constructive discussions about differing viewpoints as arguments, but yes, such discussions do sometimes descend into argument, that is true. We have all seen that on occasions on GN!

Yup, so I has rules now because shenanigans