Feeing left out

My DD said a similar thing before they had their first baby but changed her mind after the birth. My friend’s DD kept everyone at arm’s length for a week then asked for help as she was so much more tired than she expected.
If we think about it, we were kept in hospital for 5 days, which kept family visits down to a minimum. Maybe this is just a different way of doing the same thing?

Utterly amazed at how selfish people can be when others have babies. “me, me, me I want I want I want.”

From being happy about dead parents, to being resentful of a woman’s close relationship with her mom while having a newborn, to now wanting space to bond with your own baby and heal without guests in your face 24/7 now being uncaring and unreasonable. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. The pity-parties people throw for themselves when others decide to do what’s right for them and their babies is truly remarkable. Grabby grannies who care first and last about what they want. As if these babies are dolls that were simply incubated to fulfill their own expectations. I hope all of these young couples remember every moment of the selfishness during there vulnerable times just after giving becoming parents. Keep making these moments of their lives about you, and you will reap what you sow.

lyleLyle

Utterly amazed at how selfish people can be when others have babies. “me, me, me I want I want I want.”

From being happy about dead parents, to being resentful of a woman’s close relationship with her mom while having a newborn, to now wanting space to bond with your own baby and heal without guests in your face 24/7 now being uncaring and unreasonable. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. The pity-parties people throw for themselves when others decide to do what’s right for them and their babies is truly remarkable. Grabby grannies who care first and last about what they want. As if these babies are dolls that were simply incubated to fulfill their own expectations. I hope all of these young couples remember every moment of the selfishness during there vulnerable times just after giving becoming parents. Keep making these moments of their lives about you, and you will reap what you sow.

Indeed.

As the late, lovely, kind, wise Starlady used to post (paraphrased) - I'm not estranged; I attempt no control with deposits or gifts, I don't tell my SsIL what to do or how to raise the baby, it's not all about me me me.

gracie11

Hi , just joined this forum my son and daughter in law are having their first baby imminently. It is our first grandchild and we were super excited. Our son has told us we can have a ‘brief initial visit after a few days (post birth) and then a longer visit a couple of weeks later’ . We were so shocked we didn’t respond , we live 2 hours away from them and feel their ‘plan’ is unreasonable and uncaring .

What about this seemed unreasonable? This is a good time to set your expectations correctly. Your son has let you know they’d like you t come to meet the baby briefly a few days after it’s born and then come back a few weeks later for a longer visit ? So it seems you should set your expectations on that. It seems he and his wife and thoughts it out and made a plan. It is after all their baby to share

I didn't want my mum close when I had DS. she was overwhelming and would have taken over. I needed to find my own way.

When I became a gran I waited for an invite.

so it came.

I simply don't get all the talk about babysitting. Nobody in my family would dream of (or ever have the energy for) a night out. It was (and still is) survival mode, breastfeeding every 2 - 3 hours - and a desperate need for sleep - for at least the first six months.

Grannies are here to (sometimes) have the older kids, chat on the phone, assist in emergencies - and keep our heads down, hoping not to be lumbered with the baby!

Hi, just to offer some comfort and let you know you're not alone and no matter what rational thinking we are told to use, it does hurt, I know, eventhough it's not meant ❤️ x

I have 2 sons and 5 grandchildren.
i always feel left out and spend a lot of time upset by it. however, I don’t think I help myself. my eldest 2 grandchildren ( until recently) have lived abroad. we have done ok to communicate over facetime/whatsapp. my other 3 children live in London. however, due to stressful situations I have fallen out with both Daughter in Laws. thankfully not at the same time. i sympathise with anybody else in the same situation.

Women often have a very close relationship with their own mothers because they have spent their entire lives with them, have been nurtured and loved by them for their entire lives and have built up a lifetime of memories and trust.

This is not a competition between grandparents or about ‘who gets to see the baby more’

It is likely the maternal grandmothers number 1 priority will be her daughter with the baby coming in a close 2nd.

When your son and daughter got together, they agreed to create a new, nuclear family together so unfortunately you just need to give them space to make decisions for their nuclear family.

It’s ok to offer to babysit but it’s also ok for DIL not to feel comfortable for her new baby to stay with you because you do not have the history with her that her own mother does.

You need to just let them make decisions for themselves and be as supportive as you can. Continue to ask if there’s any support they need from you (and not just as far as the baby is concerned - maybe they may appreciate the offer of a cooked meal being brought over?)

I know it feels unfair but this is a new baby and you have many years of memories to build.

@Lucca because a woman’s mother has been around her entire life, even longer than her partner. She’s nurtured and taken care of her daughter and her daughter is likely her number 1 priority, even over the baby … that’s why.

The nuclear family is vastly overrated - relationships are hard work, work is tiring, housework is boring (not about curating your spice jars as on instagram), babies grow up and become less cute. That’s when the ‘village to raise a child’ comes into its own; more people around you who love you and support you, who will listen to your moaning and have a laugh about life’s ups and downs. People who will mop your floors and bake you a cake when you feel crap. As grannies it may be different to what we had or expected but I guess we need to just go with the flow, swallow our feelings and wait till we are useful. Sometimes that comes sooner than we (or they) expect!

I think I meant this for the other thread on exclusion but never mind.

Your daughter in law wants her own mother- it as simple as that.

Unfortunately a son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life (as the saying goes).

Women are (generally) very close to their mothers - their mothers raised them, wiped their tears, were their biggest cheerleaders and there is a lifetime of memories and trust there that is a completely different relationship to the one she will have with a mother-in-law who didn't appear in her life until adulthood. Therefore it makes a lot of sense that a woman would naturally navigate towards the most trusted woman in her life whilst trying to navigate parenthood (same as I'm sure your son would go to his dad before DIL's dad). When she visits her mother; it's not just about grandparent access to the grandchild, it's about mother and daughter spending time together.

On top of this, I'm sure you remember that when a baby comes along, that maternal instinct kicks in. You feel super cautious with everyone around your baby (it's a completely natural and normal instinct) and leaving your baby can come with all levels of anxiety and worry, so again it makes sense that she would want the most trusted woman in her life to watch her child above others.

I understand your son is a parent to this child too but she's the one that carried the baby for 9 months and went through all the physical and hormonal changes, she was the one who went depleted of energy as the baby took the nutrients they needed from her body, she's the one who put her life on the line to give birth and then had to deal with all the physical and hormonal issues afterwards ... meanwhile your son was a spectator. On top of that, when children are here, it's normally the woman who takes the main childcare role so she will do whatever feels comfortable for her.

The best thing you can do is firstly, stop the comparisons and tally chart re who gets more time with the grandchild. This is a baby, not a sports match - things don't have to be 'fair' or 'equal'

It's disappointing to hear but it's the natural way that things are - all you can do is be kind and supportive to your DIL. Don't be overbearing or push for more frequent visits, offer help where you can (not just with the baby) and make her feel secure, You could tell her that you would be happy to babysit if ever she would like you to but also say that if she feels she's not ready for that yet then you completely understand. If she does ask you to babysit, ask about baby's schedule and if there's anything else you need to follow while the baby is with you (she needs to know any boundaries will be respected)

It's hard not to feel disappointed but she may come round if you approach it in the right way.

Just realised I had already answered this one once 😂

I’m a maternal grandmother and I feel I’m not wanted by my dd. Me and her father gave her a lovely upbringing and now she ignores us and has gone over to her mil. I have tried everything to keep us intouch as I love my grandchildren but she is not interested and I believe she does not want us in her life. I know how you feel and it is truly heartbreaking

This thread is over a year old, I think the op has probably sorted her problem

Grandparents should realise that they have no rights to any relationship with their grandchildren at all. It is entirely dependent on what the parents want, or don't want and how they relate.

So relax and accept what is offered and don't hanker after what you are not being offered.

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear this. You must be devastated.
Its early days, but if this continues talk to your son. What is your relationship like with your daughter in law?
Good luck. Keep posting your progress, hopefully things will improve for you. X

Have you tried inviting them to your place? You don't say you have, so it might be a good idea.

But honestly, your DIL and son have hardly had time to realise they are parents yet. The first twelve weeks of a baby's life are usually total chaos for new parents. Please, give them a chance to get used to this enormous change in their life.

So your DIL goes to her mother with the child, well yes, she knows exactly what she can and cannot say to her own mother, but does she know the same about you?

IMO a twelve week old infant should not be left overnight with a grandmother, whether the one or the other. What on earth were the child's parents doing or thinking?

Your post has me crying at “heartbroken “ this is how I often feel but I don’t tell anyone only my DH 😢

I’ve got two daughter in-laws whom I love but unfortunately there is a disconnect with them towards me that with one of them I get so hurt with actions and comments …
I feel like saying “ you don’t understand how heartbreaking it is when dad and I don’t get the same amount of time and connection with X
It’s a hurt I’ve never felt before. However I am determined not to cause a scene or be the villain of the piece you know ? …
One of our grandchildren lives quite near whereas the other 2 live further …
Does it get better ? … they are all under 4 atm and one is particularly attached to us but will be living in another country soon as they have overseas connections through mum … they want them to get a better education which we understand but are upset at the same time
I am treading on egg shells all the time
We love them all and I would never stress our boys out with how we feel …
( ironically I’ve been through this with my own in-laws and I would be mortified if I was viewed like them …(‘I’ve learned a big lesson in my time)

Heartbroken is the word
I feel envious and guilty that the maternal grandmother and grandfather are getting loads and loads of time .. and guilty again as they are older than us and want them to enjoy our babies … constant state of flux

We feel extremely blessed to be grandparents but was not prepared for the many lows of not as much engaments and enjoyment

To be blunt it bl**dy hurts and badly 🥺

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Reported.

Georgesgran

Reported.

Which posts. The advertising or the Bot who posted after 😉