HELP me to Help my MIL!

Madgran77

*she is not getting it so you and your partner have to ‘train’ her and literally spell it out*

Yes I agree and naming behaviours and having conversations as things happen is a good strategy in doing that.

I wouldn’t say ‘train her’ lol. She might feel a bit like an animal.

But we do try and explain that shes being too much. We try and explain things and its often a ‘this is heartbreaking you are cruel and nasty and we just want to he normal grandparents, we don’t need your permission to come and take him’ (yes we are in the UK to someone who asked above).

Im quite of the opinion shes been allowed to do absolutely everything for her children all their lives and they’ve just let her do it all for them. But its like becoming a Grandma has made her struggle and she doesn’t seem to be coping with that transition.
The FIL’s got it now. But the minute we say can you please stop, she finds something else and we end up back to square 1 and running around in a different circle.
I know you can’t please everybody in life! But when both me and partner agreed we don’t want him going off for sleepovers just yet we were met with abuse from both the MIL & FIL. We get guilt trips and emotional blackmail A LOT when we say no to all of them coming at once. But a lot of the aggro is all targeted directly at me. I was accused of being mentally unhinged and threatened with social services a few weeks back because Id said ‘he won’t have a bottle or a dummy never has I don't know why but hey ho?’. In return of that they got the great grandparents involved got them to try come guilt trip me. Its made me and my partner really uncomfortable spending time with them with the baby as we simply cant do with the invasion and pressure every time they visit us we stopped going to theirs as often as the MIL became extremely possessive in her house and would just flat out refuse to hand the baby over or would even demand more she was really obstructive with us.

We get that they want to be involved we’ve never said sleepovers/baby sitting and things wont happen Im not back to work until May and they keep pressuring me to go back mega early.. BUT there is such a huge difference between involved at a normal level and being controlling!

Honestly yesterday when my partner noticed that I went to feed him upstairs I thought FINALLY, the MIL came up. ‘Is he done yet?’ .. noo not yet dont worry im coming down before you all go so you can all say goodbye!’ She sat on the bed and would not go away purposely distracting the baby and he made my nipple red raw from chewing and biting due to her distracting!

Just to clarify as we seem to have an intruder on here ‘calling us moaners’ for parenting children differently.

We have NEVER said to them they wont be able to have the baby. We have said we will decide when we are ready.

But we are noticing that she’s really struggling too adapt. Shes desperate for the affection I get from my baby and she pushes so so hard and mirrors how I am with him to try receive that bond and when he won’t do it because all he wants is MUM she gets really really upset and offended!

And I genuinely think she is struggling to move past the ‘Mum bond’ to Grandparent bond and we want to help her see it hence why we have asked if there is anyone out there who MAY have had similar and how were the able to help the make a smooth transition possible.

We won’t allow babysitting right now as baby proved last week he screams when I go out, I left him with his dad to get my hair done. Within 20 mins he was screaming the house down, refusing bottles and only settled the minute he was with me at the hairdressers! He’s just not ready to be away from me yet. And this is what we try to explain to them and its usually its ‘you chose to breastfeed him, its all your fault we told you not to then he wouldn’t want to be with you constantly. He would be able to be alone and more often..’

Its them sorts of comments that really get to me. We want them involved, we’ve never said no. But we wan’t it to be healthy and mutual. We want understanding and to help them understand. We’ve tried but we don’t know how else to do it, we don’t want to cut them out. We want to help them get over these hurdles they seem to be so upset about. But most of all we want to help the MIL get past this she wants a MUM kind of bond and get to the Grandma bond. We want to help her to understand they are very different things!

I don't think GN is the best place to invite her when I see phrases like "High Functioning Auntistic". There is no such thing. High Functioning was initially used in reference to intellectual ability. It doesn't matter how intellectual you are, if you are not capable of adaptive behaviour, you are not capable of it. You can hold down a highly challenging, brain powered job, but if you cannot cope with an exchange of ideas which means you have a melt down, it doesn't make you any less autistic.
It sounds like your MIL is finding it difficult to adapt when it comes to her ideas of "bonding". She will be churning this round and round in her mind so it will be making it more and more anxiety inducing. I honestly don't know the answer but it might be worth talking to MIND or The Autism Society so they can signpost you.
Some of the things you are experiencing will pass. You won't be breast feeding forever so that will be an argument gone. When your child learns that there are more people in the world than parents, her relationship with your child will be more tangible for her. Meanwhile, you just have to set your boundaries and stand firm. There is little point in arguing the toss, just be quietly, kindly and calmly firm. When you close your door to her after she has gone, you will be able to relax and enjoy your family. She is stuck with all that anxiety without the means to adequately process it.

We want them involved, we’ve never said no. But we wan’t it to be healthy and mutual. We want understanding and to help them understand.

It may be that you can't achieve this if your MIL is incapable of this. You may just have to find a way forward that doesn't give you or them what you want.

MooMoo22 But most of all we want to help the MIL get past this she wants a MUM kind of bond and get to the Grandma bond. We want to help her to understand they are very different things!

Have you told her precisely? Perhaps explanations of how her horrible behaviour impacts you might help?

MawtheMerrier

Suggest she joins Gransnet.
We’ll put her right

Good idea.

We're wise and experienced and know our boundaries.

Does you MIL only have one child herself? I ask this because my DD's OH is an only child, when they had their first baby MIL was ecstatic and rather like your MIL in lots of ways.
On one occasion she went into the nursery when baby was restless and my DD heard her say "hush now my precious, mummy is here to look after you"! DD was appalled to hear her MIL portraying herself as a mummy to her baby.

Its true that there are no "grandparents rights" in the UK unless a court has ruled that the blood parents are unfit. My own grandmother had to be super diplomatic when I was a child. She would like to have done a lot more for me (as my parents were shit poor and stubborn) but her soliciter advised her to be very careful in case they ruled aganst her seeing me. As soon as I hit my teens and was able to figure things out for myself I spent a lot more time with my grandmother by choice. Maybe your DC will do that when they are old enough to make an informed choice. Until then as the parents you have to set and maintain the boundaries.

icanhandthemback

^We want them involved, we’ve never said no. But we wan’t it to be healthy and mutual. We want understanding and to help them understand. ^

It may be that you can't achieve this if your MIL is incapable of this. You may just have to find a way forward that doesn't give you or them what you want.

I work in Autism and mental health so Iv seen all aspects of the spectrum!

At first I was more understanding and was likee yeaaa its just the autism speaking. But then it kind of reached a point where it went beyond and the more we rewarded and were too kind to her negative behaviour the more pushy she became.

Iv often said too her I think you need to get some help to understand your emotions a little better (we all do at times) but her especially as she really has a problem with this bonding thing.
We feel really bad for her that she obviously wants to be a good grandparent but we firstly want her to when she comes into our home leave her ‘im the only mum around here’ headset at the door and to have that mutual understanding that we don’t want her to stay away! We’ve never felt like that, we just want her to be good, normal and healthy grandparent who doesn’t push boundaries or stamp her feet in order to get what she wants. It must be awful being Autistic and having all the emotions banging around in your head, your heart must want you to do it right but your head tells you differently. I personally think she needs help with the autism and how its making that transition for her difficult before it causes the boat to tip completely :/

OP

They think they have the right to go and get your child whenever they want, you have been labelled mentally unwell, your nipple was chewed raw....

Girl, what are you waiting for? For them to really kidnap your child?
They are dangerous! They would harm your child and call it love.

You and your child wont see his parents again till they receive therapy and apologize, as last chance

This is a you and partner problem
You (plural) need to protect your child, dna related or not

I agree with Hithere.

Please don't tell me you're planning that your mother-in-law will be doing the childcare when you go back to work...

I think warning of kidnapping Is a little extreme, but I understand why someone might say it to get you to give your head a shake.

Your in-laws (both) are choosing to push your boundaries and put their wants above your needs. You have received a lot of good advice about being clear in your expectations for them, and I would imagine that you have done all of that previously. But for now, keep being clear about expectations and remove yourselves every time they cross your very clear and explained boundaries.

I echo V3ra I hope MIL wasn’t your child care plan. If she is, change plans. Immediately. Then tell her.

Summerlove

I think warning of kidnapping Is a little extreme, but I understand why someone might say it to get you to give your head a shake.

Your in-laws (both) are choosing to push your boundaries and put their wants above your needs. You have received a lot of good advice about being clear in your expectations for them, and I would imagine that you have done all of that previously. But for now, keep being clear about expectations and remove yourselves every time they cross your very clear and explained boundaries.

I echo V3ra I hope MIL wasn’t your child care plan. If she is, change plans. Immediately. Then tell her.

She was my choice for certain days but the more shes acted out the less I trusted her :/. I hate feeling like that towards her as well as we used to get on well (her conversations about basically she liked bored me to tears don't get me wrong, but I listened because I liked her).

:/ i feel awful!

It’s normal to feel badly when your choices/actions disappoint somebody.

That doesn’t mean that you are wrong.

For now make firm other arrangements. These can always be changed as time moves on.

As full disclosure- I’m very against family as daycare. It’s the rare family (in my experience) that doesn’t end up with at least one blow up and a bunch of hurt feelings. With your Mil acting the way she is- you are not that family. Give it time and you might be.

OP

This child is ebf, that works in your favour now

As soon as your child starts solids, crawling, walking, going to daycare... these issues will be intensified as your child is not 100% dependent on you for sustainance

You need to put what is best for your child first, ignore what others want.
As you feel so pulled to pacify such an unstable person - have you considered therapy?
Partner needs it too

People have been cut off for less

How about xmas, what is the plan?
I bet your mil will call it

Hithere

OP

This child is ebf, that works in your favour now

As soon as your child starts solids, crawling, walking, going to daycare... these issues will be intensified as your child is not 100% dependent on you for sustainance

You need to put what is best for your child first, ignore what others want.
As you feel so pulled to pacify such an unstable person - have you considered therapy?
Partner needs it too

People have been cut off for less

How about xmas, what is the plan?
I bet your mil will call it

Christmas?

Well it was set in stone earlier this year we’d be at my mum and dads; as I worked all christmas last year (xmas eve, xmas day and Boxing day) i worked full 13 hr days without a choice and I missed out completely. So we agreed to see my parents as I was gutted I missed out.

The MIL was disappointed but she knew why we were off to my parents this year. But we’ve said we will visit them in the morning

MooMoo2 You are in a dreadful situation. While your MiL is certainly in need of external help, Has it occurred to you that you and your partner might also benefit from the help counselling with a knowledgeable councellor can give as well?

I can see that to an extent you have joined GN so that we may offer a picture of normality and support, but professional support from someone who understands autism and can look dispassionately on the problem might help.

I am with others in saying that I would not risk leaving your child alone with her grandmother, for any period, certainly not when you go back to work.

As you describe her, the birth of her grandchild, has temporally, I hope, affected the balance of her mind and your child is not physically safe with her. I am sure she would never under normal corcumstances ever do your child any harm, but when someone as unbalanced as she currently is, her response to any emergency that may arise, especially if she is the cause of it, cannot be predicted, or relied on and she could, quite unwittingly, do your child physical harm.

It is difficult to know what to advise, short of estrangememt, that no one could want or advise, but I do think a point has been reached where professional help needs to be called in, preferably for her.

M0nica

MooMoo2 You are in a dreadful situation. While your MiL is certainly in need of external help, Has it occurred to you that you and your partner might also benefit from the help counselling with a knowledgeable councellor can give as well?

I can see that to an extent you have joined GN so that we may offer a picture of normality and support, but professional support from someone who understands autism and can look dispassionately on the problem might help.

I am with others in saying that I would not risk leaving your child alone with her grandmother, for any period, certainly not when you go back to work.

As you describe her, the birth of her grandchild, has temporally, I hope, affected the balance of her mind and your child is not physically safe with her. I am sure she would never under normal corcumstances ever do your child any harm, but when someone as unbalanced as she currently is, her response to any emergency that may arise, especially if she is the cause of it, cannot be predicted, or relied on and she could, quite unwittingly, do your child physical harm.

It is difficult to know what to advise, short of estrangememt, that no one could want or advise, but I do think a point has been reached where professional help needs to be called in, preferably for her.

Iv often wondered if we all came together and actually helped to get her some PROPER help.

This is the feedback and impartial guidance I was looking for tbh. Its good to have outside advice sometimes as it can help to see if its actually yourself who's a problem or it genuinely is them. It helps to have fresh eyes and ears.

But I fully agree we should definitely look at getting her some help to understand them feelings. I want her to get the help as I know that she needs to hone in on them feelings shes got and shes needs help to explore them!

She was terribly broody when I first came home with the baby and she would cry frequently, at the time I just brushed it off as just excited by probably never saw it as a deeply underlying problem she has. She does comment quite regular about how she remembers things (which is fine its nice to reminisce), but then it turned odd when she was saying things like I miss having a baby, I miss that feeling of breastfeeding and being the only one able to comfort the baby.
Thats where it concerns me at times as I dont want her to feel like she cant be a comfort too him, but she wont get that if she tries to force that from him :/. Its so difficult and so delicate. We do care about her feelings but at times we've had to put her on a stop and just say “look we didn’t have this baby FOR YOU we had him FOR US. He’s not a toy, he’s not a puppy, he’s not a possession. He is our little boy, we cope absolutely fine. We will ask for help if we need but please don’t press it onto us without request as it could be seen as invasive!”. We’ve tried every approach we could, kind, firm, stern, cross, heated, texts/emails… its usually ‘im his grandma I have feelings, noone is taking into consideration what i want to do with him..’, it makes it so so hard to approach her .

I asked my partner if she was like this with her brothers children but apparently not! We think she’s got a very deep attachment issue potentially that starts at my partner and she’s struggling to let go of it. We like she includes everybody in events but we dont want every visit to be a family gathering as we see them every week without failure and we dont need everybody there, its intimidating for the baby as he gets passed from person to person. And as someone said yesterday ‘he doesnt need his mum, he needs his Grandma more she can go feed him she wants a turn…’ I was devastated people just ignored his cries! I just thought is that what people really think of him; like he’s a little toy dolly to play with? Why are people trying to stop him coming to his mum when he’s so desperately looking for me, It breaks my heart when they ignore his needs and put their own before his :’(

Why are people trying to stop him coming to his mum when he’s so desperately looking for me, It breaks my heart when they ignore his needs and put their own before his :’(

Well if that's happening you need to be assertive and speak up, take your son back if he needs you, take him home if you need to if you're at theirs, leave the room or tell them it's time they went home if they're at yours.

The longer you allow this to carry on the harder it will be to stop it.
They're not going to change.
You either let them walk all over you or you stand up for yourself and your son.

Like I said in my earlier post, I've been there.

Why are people trying to stop him coming to his mum when he’s so desperately looking for me, It breaks my heart when they ignore his needs and put their own before his :’(

When I was sitting with my child once, my FIL popped over me and took them out of my arms. I was shocked - that is the only excuse I have - I promptly stood up and took the child back. He was moody with me for months - but I couldn't get over the presumption to just take a child out of their mothers arms without asking.

Its one of the few times that I actually did what I wanted rather than sat still wishing I could be brave and take back the baby.

Always, always, always take back the baby if he needs you.

* ‘he doesn't need his mum, he needs his grandma more she can go feed him she wants a turn…’*

And you shouldn't even hesitate on that one!!

You stand up and you say "No! He DOES want and need his Mum and I will feed him. As you know I am breastfeeding so noone else CAN feed him! And he is NOT a toy to take turns with!"

You then walk out of the room and go and feed him

Never mind worrying about her problems, in this situation your child is the absolute priority. And if other family members are coming out with rubbish like that then the problem is bigger than Grandma! It sounds as well like they are all trying to keep Grandma happy!

She doe s have problems, and it is good to help her but NOT at the expense of your child!

Callistemon21

MawtheMerrier

Suggest she joins Gransnet.
We’ll put her right

Good idea.

We're wise and experienced and know our boundaries.

I’ll join Maw and Callistemon on this one.

We know our boundaries

Well, most of the time 😂

you need to stand up for your child.
you have one child, and it's not your MIL.
you are giving far too much attention to her feelings at the expense of your child.
you need to stop being so indulgent of her, before it is too late and you regret not putting your child first, always.

Does your mil know she needs help?
Is she open to it?