HELP me to Help my MIL!

Madgran77

* ‘he doesn't need his mum, he needs his grandma more she can go feed him she wants a turn…’*

And you shouldn't even hesitate on that one!!

You stand up and you say "No! He DOES want and need his Mum and I will feed him. As you know I am breastfeeding so noone else CAN feed him! And he is NOT a toy to take turns with!"

You then walk out of the room and go and feed him

Never mind worrying about her problems, in this situation your child is the absolute priority. And if other family members are coming out with rubbish like that then the problem is bigger than Grandma! It sounds as well like they are all trying to keep Grandma happy!

She doe s have problems, and it is good to help her but NOT at the expense of your child!

This is where I was going about things tbh!

Iv always been like are we too nice? Are we too soft with her? Why are was walking on thin ice? Is it just me and my partner who have a problem.. I remember going for a walk once left baby with his dad outsidr whilst I used the loo. He said too his mum just watch him a second wanna see if she’s ok as she still pretty rough from the stitches and struggles to get up (was natural labour but I tore in a stupid area!). We came out and they were gone and I nearly dropped to floor. They just waltzed off down the park sauntering about and my MIL was strolling along proud as punch showing him off to some random person who she didn't even know. We never trusted her fully after she did that too us as it freaked us both out!

But we realised last few weeks gone that its not us. Its been her all along. As soon as I said I was pregnant she got angry and really really jealous. She stopped talking about it and refused too engage, I took her too a scan when my partner was at work just to try and get her involved and make her feel comfortable and she eased right up. Came to my baby shower we all had a lovely time.

But I don't know how to say this without it sounding awful… as soon as he arrived it went suddenly to ‘ me, me, me, me, me, grandmas wants x, y & z.. Grandma this, Grandma that’ and all their family would talk about was HER. Not one of them sat as asked how I was feeling, it was about how she felt. I felt so stupid for not saying anything and I finally spoke up after weeks of being shy about it and I snapped and I upset A LOT of people. My partner was trapped initially right in the middle until he started to see things.

Then like I mentioned when he saw his mums desperation this weekend and also last week he noticed how she was clingy. Even my own mum has tried to guide her and be like ‘heyy look, its not always easy to go from mum to GM. BUT you can’t tell your children how to parent their child! Its a wonderful time to be a grandparent its an honour and a priviledge but it is by no means a right for us to do as we please when we please and we have to accept that and respect our childrens boundaries’. It helped for a whole week, we moved too our new house and the little nudges and comments and pushes have started again :/

If a friend confided in you with these same facts, what would you tell her/him?

Your mil is not desperate, she has an unnatural obsession and it is not going to stop till you and your partner stop underreracting and giving her chances to harm your baby.

The huge issue is you and your partner- why do you allow her to do whatever she wants w/o consequences for her actions?

The huge issue is you and your partner- why do you allow her to do whatever she wants w/o consequences for her actions?

Hithere asks a good question Moomoo. I would add " Why do you allow others to come out with "lectures" to you about YOUR baby, and you feel upset but do nothing?"

The issue really really is that you and your partner have to stand up, say what's happening with your child, stick to your guns, ignore the sulking, ignore others who are prioritising the wrong issue, keep stating clearly what will happen with your child. None of that has to be done unkindly. You can still acknowledge others views without going along with them

"I know you want a cuddle but he needs his mum now" " He needs a feed so that's me and him then, noone else! " " He is crying. I will take him, he needs a cuddle and a feed." "I know you want him to stay. He's not ready and neither are we." " I know you think he is ready. We don't. There is no point discussing it further"

Clear, no arguing or justifying. Just statements. Dont get dragged in to anything further, just repeat! Leave and go and feed him etc

Good luck [ flowers]

I think you said you lived in the UK, so have you discussed this problem with your Health Visitor? I know things have changed a lot, but surely there is a baby clinic of some kind in your area that you can turn to.

An alternative is to see if your surgery has a Psychiatric nurse whom you could get an appointment to speak to. From all that you say, your partner's mother is seriously psychologically disturbed, and a danger to your child.

Would it be possible to set her a timetable, telling her when she can come to your house and when you will go to hers. If she turns up uninvited, do not even let her in or take any notice of her. Once you start parleying with her, you have lost the battle.

I fully understand why you want to deal with this problem in a gentle way but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

M0nica

I think you said you lived in the UK, so have you discussed this problem with your Health Visitor? I know things have changed a lot, but surely there is a baby clinic of some kind in your area that you can turn to.

An alternative is to see if your surgery has a Psychiatric nurse whom you could get an appointment to speak to. From all that you say, your partner's mother is seriously psychologically disturbed, and a danger to your child.

Would it be possible to set her a timetable, telling her when she can come to your house and when you will go to hers. If she turns up uninvited, do not even let her in or take any notice of her. Once you start parleying with her, you have lost the battle.

I fully understand why you want to deal with this problem in a gentle way but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

I agree with others up there sometimes Im far too nice! Iv had this discussion with my cousin just the morning as were having major beef on my mums side over a cousins wedding and how shes treating the family and I was sort of ok with not being invited but at the same time it really upset me but iv chosen not to say anything I pick my battles wisely if I can help it lol.

I spoke to his mum last night about these feelings because shes stressing as they go away for the weekend and have been trying to plan our weekend around them seeing the baby requesting us to be in and I feel chained to my house and I said no I’m not sitting around waiting for you to show up so you can get your fill and leave, your grandson will be here the weekend after you chose to go away thats your problem not mine I'm not chaining myself to my house for a day over the weekend, we need to go shopping and get things done. We ask that you don't come up during the week day evenings due to the bedtime routine he has as its working. we've trialled it once before and it just threw the baby out of sync he got ratty, we got tantrums as you were all fighting over staying late to bath/feed him and he got stressed with you guys passing him around and falling out over him like he’s a toy. I got kept awake all night with a baby cluster feeding out of stress as a result!

And I wish I hadn’t spoken up, it was all about grandmas upset. She never gets this… I'm fed up of having to explain myself or feeling like I cant say no.

I think I'm gunna leave my partner to deal with her as they have absolutely no respect for me and my feelings so I aren’t telling them jack now lol. My partner can deliver it all 🤣

I spoke to his mum last night about these feelings because shes stressing as they go away for the weekend and have been trying to plan our weekend around them seeing the baby requesting us to be in and I feel chained to my house and I said no I’m not sitting around waiting for you to show up so you can get your fill and leave, your grandson will be here the weekend after you chose to go away thats your problem not mine I'm not chaining myself to my house for a day over the weekend, we need to go shopping and get things done. We ask that you don't come up during the week day evenings due to the bedtime routine he has as its working. we've trialled it once before and it just threw the baby out of sync he got ratty, we got tantrums as you were all fighting over staying late to bath/feed him and he got stressed with you guys passing him around and falling out over him like he’s a toy. I got kept awake all night with a baby cluster feeding out of stress as a result!

And I wish I hadn’t spoken up, it was all about grandmas upset. She never gets this… I'm fed up of having to explain myself or feeling like I cant say no.

Wow, you did so well there Moomoo. But ofcourse the response was all about Grandma's upset, nothing will change overnight, if ever. The key is that they see that their standard emotional blackmail response is NOT going to work either with you or your partner. So when it's all about her upset then the response is "Sorry your upset but our decision still stands". ..and so on.

It's hard when people use emotional blackmail but it is vital to not give in. You don't have to "explain yourself", don't allow yourself to be pulled into that. State what you are doing , what is happening, keep repeating it, whilst acknowledging. " ...upset, but ..."

And standing together both giving the message is generally more powerful than leaving to one alone

Maybe in the future, if they are asking for visits just say, "x and I will talk about it and let you know." That gives you an opportunity to speak to your partner and work out what is acceptable to you both before he relays that back to his parents. You don't need to discuss her needs with your MIL and if she won't stop, just say calmly that you need to get on now so visiting is over but x will be in touch. If she kicks up, just remove yourself (and the baby) from the situation.
I have found that being very clear that something is not up for negotiation gives a straight message whereas trying to find reasons why you don't want to do something muddies the water and you can find yourself sounding unreasonable. It doesn't have to be done nastily or loudly. You can even sound apologetic but the bottom line is clear. It takes a bit of getting used to standing your ground if you are not an assertive person but it is powerful.

Clearly talking to her doesnt work - after multiple tries

What are you planning to do next, specially when she breaks a rule?

Why you are and your partner keep entertaining her visits is beyond me - this is more than being too nice

I wonder what your upbringing was that plays a factor here.
We already know who raised your partner and why he behaves like he does now

This behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptable.
I would be stopping all visits. Maybe just go to their house, then you can leave as soon as any of this nonsense starts.

Whatever the reason for MIL’s behaviour, it has to be up to you and your husband to put your baby and yourselves first.

Hithere

Clearly talking to her doesnt work - after multiple tries

What are you planning to do next, specially when she breaks a rule?

Why you are and your partner keep entertaining her visits is beyond me - this is more than being too nice

I wonder what your upbringing was that plays a factor here.
We already know who raised your partner and why he behaves like he does now

I sort of agree with you Hithere but I think maybe the OP wants to try some tactics that have been suggested.

Moomoo clearly took a big step for herself, by refusing the weekend visit, and well done to her for listening to our suggestions about saying No and doing it. If things don't change I hope she and her partner manage together to go forward in a way that works for them, which may well end up being no visits etc

Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. You and your partner need to agree what you'll do ahead of time.

I'd start by ending the visit immediately. "No. You're not doing that. We'll try in a month or so." and either leave, or lock yourself in your room with baby until she's gone.

She absolutely needs to accept that she's not the Main Character here. Not for you, your partner, nor your baby. Your world doesn't revolve around her, she doesn't get a vote in your home, relationship or parenting. She is firmly in a supporting player role, and if she can't accept that, she won't be onstage at all.

Best to get this sorted out now before LO is older and starts understanding the games your MIL is playing.

Well done! It isn't easy, but you are hearing a lot of her upset - what about your upset? You are entitled to as much, if not more consideration than she is. It is your child.

Try now to reduce the opportunity to hear about her upset. Finalise next visits on the phone, if possible, so that, having said when you will next see her, you can then bring any discussion to an end, by just saying 'Goodbye, see you soon' and ring off, possibly just text.

MercuryQueen

Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. You and your partner need to agree what you'll do ahead of time.

I'd start by ending the visit immediately. "No. You're not doing that. We'll try in a month or so." and either leave, or lock yourself in your room with baby until she's gone.

She absolutely needs to accept that she's not the Main Character here. Not for you, your partner, nor your baby. Your world doesn't revolve around her, she doesn't get a vote in your home, relationship or parenting. She is firmly in a supporting player role, and if she can't accept that, she won't be onstage at all.

Best to get this sorted out now before LO is older and starts understanding the games your MIL is playing.

@MercuryQueen
It does take a lot for me to really snap! Iv got a lot on atm with my family and this huge fallout thats happening, so shes bottom of my priorities!

As far the MIL is concerned me and my partner have both told her to stop pressurising us to devote any of our spare time too her when she wants it. We have our own lives and much to her astonishment shes not the centre piece of it. We will let her know if were free but if were not there is always the weekend after, we’re not making promises as we know she will just go on an emotional blackmail trail. She also needs to stop hinting and asking when im off back to work as the hints are annoying us both as we know what they are hinting towards, we will tell her IF we need help. But she is not to be taking extra days off to babysit as we didn’t ask her too nor does she need too!

Im glad my partner is behind me 99% of the time, sometimes it is me. But most of it its not. Iv always said you give her an inch she’ll take it but then she goes for the mile and pushed for more every single time and we have to put the distance back in place again!

I agree with others up there sometimes Im far too nice!

Having read your 12 and counting lengthy posts I would not say you are too nice. Your mother in law may possibly have mental health issues, but the way you are discussing her on here is unkind.

eazybee

^I agree with others up there sometimes Im far too nice!^

Having read your 12 and counting lengthy posts I would not say you are too nice. Your mother in law may possibly have mental health issues, but the way you are discussing her on here is unkind.

eazybee, MIL is autistic and obviously struggling. I am unsure how much understanding there is on here or with OP despite any previous experience. However, I do think boundaries need to be set so MIL doesn't get the chance to get over enthusiastic. I expect that there is also an element of over protective maternal feelings too which are compounding the situation but at the end of the day, it is the OP's baby and she has the right to make her choice.

It is rather sad really.

What she needs to know is that being a gran is a precious role of itself and her current stance means she is losing out on that and will in the future.

It sounds as though she is rather unwell - her approach is far from normal.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this - no fun, when you just want to enjoy your little one.

It is very sad. I love being a Gran. I don t see my two very often but when I do I get all the joy with none of the responsibility. Such a pity your MiL doesn’t get this.

eazybee I think you are less than fair. Everything on GN is anonymous and how can anyone ever discuss any problem on GN if we have got to prove that we are being fair to anyone else we refer to?

The OP has an autistic MiL, who is overeacting to becoming a grandmother and causing her and her partner real problems. They are both being consideration itself in regard to MiL as they understand the problems. No one on here has been unkind, but the OP quite understandable struggling with such a full on grandparent and needs help and advice how to do it with as little upset as possible. What is your alternative approach?

dragonfly46

It is very sad. I love being a Gran. I don t see my two very often but when I do I get all the joy with none of the responsibility. Such a pity your MiL doesn’t get this.

It saddens me to come to groups like this. This ones been fairly good and aren’t too rude like some groups are.

This seems more grown up and diplomatic. And its nice that everyone see’s each side and not just one. Sometimes I have more patience then other days I just think will you please just go away as I can’t deal with her emotional abuse and the blackmailing. Me as the mother of her grandchild shouldn’t be subjected too it, its not fair on me and its not fair on her Grandson.

She is soooo sooo desperate to get a maternal bond and she struggles so much to understand despite us explaining her bond will be totally different when he is able to show that too her himself. Right now all he’s bothered about is that my Breasts are on tap for drink and comfort and that I’m there for him to feel safe. Iv tried to explain that and I hope she understands that as a mother herself but it gets bent backwards and I always without failure get the ‘do you not care how I feel? What about my special bond with my grandson? He’s mine as well he’s not just yours.. i want my own bond with him’ sometimes its really hard to get her to see that she will have her own bond IN TIME. But forcing it upon him isn’t going to make it happen and she could well frighten him as he’s only a baby!

I want my MIL to be involved but we don’t want her living in our pockets like she’s trying to be. It makes us so uncomfortable when she cries or shouts at us or calls us names when we simply say no or no thank you to something. We get guilt tripped into being made to feel the bad ones and its just not on. Her Autism is HUGE part but sometimes its not an excuse, shes given what she wants constantly as shes been the only mother for so long and shes struggling to hand that role on and I do feel she needs to get some help to really dive into that feeling as I sense shes feeling unwanted. Which she most certainly isn’t. She IS wanted but within a healthy and normal boundary like an my normal family wants!

Like this weekend? Shes away all weekend? Thats not my problem, I didn’t book that holiday nor should I be made to. But there is always the next weekend, her world wont implode if she doesn’t see him for a week. She knows we dont come out weekday evenings past 4/5 as he gets really ratty and wont settle and we have a good evening routine nailed down we say that and then its ‘send him to sleepover…’ its like banging our heads against a brick wall.

Christ what will she do if I go abroad for two weeks like we plan to do next year?!

They went to france this year for 2 weeks. That was planned before he was born. She sulked with her own husband and then tried to refuse to go as apparently it was too heart breaking for her going away and not seeing her baby for 2 weeks. I was like omg GO, id love to be able too afford to go abroad for two weeks, GO enjoy youself. She went and she apparently cried for the first week as she wanted to be at home with the baby.

She needs some proper help and quickly before she destroys the relationship with me and her son! And until she does I don’t want her babysitting alone at all as she needs to get her emotions dealt with and its caused a lot of tears and upset that me and my partner have decided that but we agree. Its not healthy for her mentally or for him!

We love her to bits but we cant be subjected to it anymore were not her counsellor or therapist. Were here grandsons parents and my parents don't do this to us, so neither should she. I said no thanks to baby sitting to my mum and dad and she went ‘thats fine offers there you know well always help’ and that was it! We have to argue and jump through hoops for my MIL. Its really sad as we know how lovely, kind and caring she can be when she just stops and thinks!

Sad your mil is so difficult, entitled, and obsessed with baby bonding. Not at all normal. You explained her horrible behaviour's impacting you?

Perhaps it's time to cut them back to a 2 hr visit every 1-2 mos?

If they are Christian, maybe ask that they read and assimilate Colossians 3:21 - clear advice to all parents who behave poorly.

Norah

Sad your mil is so difficult, entitled, and obsessed with baby bonding. Not at all normal. You explained her horrible behaviour's impacting you?

Perhaps it's time to cut them back to a 2 hr visit every 1-2 mos?

If they are Christian, maybe ask that they read and assimilate Colossians 3:21 - clear advice to all parents who behave poorly.

Funny you say that she actually is religious!
I don’t follow it all myself but Im sure she would know about part to read.

We love her, we all do!
I was ill with Pneumonia a few weeks back and I’m only just getting past the end of the cough now, i was really unwell but I plowed on sorting the baby out. My partner helped me so much inbetween and so did the MIL one day when I was desperate to shower as my partner was at work. She came over helped me do a few house bits and let me get a shower whilst she sat with the baby and it was really kind of her and appreciated. But then every day it wasn’t a ‘how you feeling’ I got texts about the baby. She came a 2nd time to help and she was terrible with the baby, she was really really pushy with me and tried her darndest to stop me feeding him and I didn’t ask for help again. I tried so so hard to remind myself of the day before and how wonderful she’d been and I was so grateful, then suddenly it just changes.

I love my MIL and my FIL AND my SIL’s! Absolutely love them all to bits. But sometimes I just wish that they’d just stop and think about how it makes me feel when I get slung aside, my feelings get totally brushed under the rug and I feel like I cant speak up or argue my corner for me and my son. Outside of all that I love them all very deeply, I haven’t a bad word to say about them, apart from they can be a little thoughtless at times, my partner is just the same. He can be very thoughtless, but I know he doesn’t mean it and I can easily approach him. My MIL is sometimes easy to speak to and then other times not

"do you not care how I feel? What about my special bond with my grandson? He’s mine as well he’s not just yours.. i want my own bond with him"

I hope you reply something like...

"MIL, please stop it. I have a mother's bond with my son just as it should be. YOU will develop a grandmother's bond with your grandson over time, BUT it is a different bond and it is NOT the priority for him at the moment. Its not about not caring about hiow you feel. It IS about caring about our son, ourselves and our parenting, our own little family!"

Off she will go again

And you reply "I've explained, end of discussion. We are not changing our decision!" And leave! Or refuse to discuss if still there

And if she sits sulking I suggest you follow up "Well, we understand you are not happy about our decision but our decision is not changing. If we are going to have to sit here in this atmosphere; watching you sulk/cry; listening to you not accepting our decision then we will leave! Bye!"

As I said previously, describe her behaviour to her. Be specific. It's not just about consequences etc , that strategy is about making sure she is in no doubt about your thoughts and feelings, describing specifically is an appropriate strategy to help someone who is Autistic, whether a child or an adult

Boundaries get easier over time. So as hard as it will be at first, you need to set them and stick to them.

Sit down with your partner and agree what they will be. Write them down and agree that you will support each other with them.

Agree not just what the boundary is but what the method of dealing with it being broken will be.

Example, she says inappropriate things you leave the conversation or end the visit.

Then enforce them. Enforce them if she cries, if she screams and definitely if they make her angry.

With mental health help, she has to want it for herself and agree it is needed. So it's tough.

Really hope things improve for you.

but I plowed on sorting the baby out

Are you sure you’re in the UK? That is just so American!

But then every day it wasn’t a ‘how you feeling’ I got texts about the baby.
I just wish that they’d just stop and think about how it makes me feel when I get slung aside,

Are you sure you haven't got some jealousy feelings going on here? You wouldn't be the first mother that feels this way and it isn't a criticism but it might be another reason why you and your mother in law are struggling to find that pathway through. I think with a 5 month old baby, a bout of pneumonia and a house move, there is a lot going on here which will be colouring your emotions too.