I know that Grandparenting has a separate forum and this thread is under that heading.
However, might it be an idea to have a separate forum entitled 'Difficult Mothers-in-Law' as not all MILs are grandparents.
All the problems and suggestions would be in one place because the search facility is not always successful on here.
Or AIBU?
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Grandparenting
HELP me to Help my MIL!
(161 Posts)Hi all!
Sooo I'm a new mum too a 5 month old. He’s my parents 2nd Grandson; but he’s my In-laws first GC.
Soooo whilst we’ve had our fallouts we are on good terms but I have noticed my MIL is really struggling to accept a Grandparents bond and a mothers bond are very different things..
Theres been a lot of arguments over the MIL not respecting our boundaries. She didn't agree with him being EBF as she wanted to be able to feed him, she had a go at me frequently as she wanted to bath him change him the job lot, we had issues with her being very very possessive with the baby often saying ‘he’s not just your baby he’s mine too’, obsessing over sleepovers often falling out with us and crying because we said no.
We tried to see some of it as purely excitement but then we saw a lot of it as really quite selfish behaviour; the thrusting herself onto the baby, pushing for things we said no too, disregarding how we felt as parents and turning up on mass inviting her entire family too our house regular (MIL, FIL, 2x SIL’s and GGM & GGD) often we had 9 people in our small living room forcing me to sit upstairs on my bed in tears as I couldn’t sit down in my own house; we sort of hit a wall and we all fell out big time! But we finally sorted it and got too a safe point for us all where we found the medium level for everyone. I had to be tough with my choices and my partner had to basically had to be firm and say ‘mum your too much, your being too invasive. Your trying far too hard to be like a 2nd mum please back off your making her really anxious and your going to cause my GF to get post-natal depression!’. All fine. We all get along a lot better since then. She still doesn’t like the fact he’s breastfed but id have thought she would be more supportive considering she breastfed all her children!
But the more we spend time with her the more I can see that the MIL is very obviously struggling to transition from Parent to Grandparent. She gets so insulted and very obviously upset with me when the baby cries and wants to come back to me. My boyfriend noticed it today and said ‘my mum looked quite upset when he cried and you said ‘pass him here for 10 mins, he’ll just want a little drink and a comfort suckle’ which he did!
We’ve noticed her getting very clingy again and when shes around him you can see her DESPERATELY trying to push for a very intimate motherly kind of bond with him and then she gets very obviously upset when she doesn’t receive. He comes back to me and you can see her face DROP as shes so disappointed and hurt that she isn’t getting the same kind of bond I have with my baby.
We just don't know how to help her understand that the bond she will have isn’t INSTANT nor is it like the very intimate bond of a mother and baby. She will have a different kind of bond with him but it comes in time. We’ve tried boundaries with her and she just accused us of stopping her from being a central caregiver and we tried to explain we didn’t ask for that and she isn’t required to be that, we simply asked for her to just step back a little and enjoy spending time with him, enjoy watching us thrive as parents, be proud of how well were doing and not focus so heavily on doing everything a mum does! We just dont know how to approach the new obstacle of her bond with him, we dont doubt she’ll be a good grandparent but we want her to stop trying so hard to that maternal bond shes so desperately yearning for!
How do we help her see all this and transition into grandma!?
Perhaps one of our members with time to search would start a thread with advice for those with MIL problems with links to the previous threads - that way it would save a lot of repetition
Trouble is, this will not cover the nuances of an individual situation really. I think an individual in a particular situation with their MiL , especially if upset, worried etc, will want/need more personalised advice linked to specifics. Which is understandable
Sure, let's tell everyone that
Forgit the quote, nevermind
Ah, I'll just agree with Madgran
Should we also tell every Gran on here to just read the previous daughter in law threads? What about estrangement? Read one read them all?
Might as well just archive the whole forum.
What a silly suggestion for a forum.
Drop the rope! It’s impossible to please boundary stompers, as by nature they are self-centered and will only be happy getting only what they want. You don’t have to be rude, but start learning the word ‘no’ use it firmly. Her feelings are not a priority for you, as she has shown yours are not a priority for her.
Hello i know my comment is late, but this has brought up so much for me reading what you have went through, you are a very strong woman!
I had my baby 2 years ago and my MIL tormented me everyday i had with my newborn.. we lived with her and it was the pandemic so there was no escape and no end for 3 months until i forced my bf to move or we are done.
I suffered everything of what you went through, she used to run into the room and shout upstairs when i went to go breastfeed him so in the end i couldnt as i didnt get privacy to get him calm enough to latch on..
She would throw huge tantrums when she didnt get enough time with him (she had him everyday), she stared at me everytime i had my baby and if i went upstairs with him she kept telling my bf that i was doing harm for the baby by keeping him away... She was convinced she was going to be mother again..(her own words).
She would go on about other cultures where the granny has the baby and breastfeeds them and said that's the way she wants it to be... When she had my son alone after he would keep attempting to breastfeed off her so i know she tried to... She had a sick obsession...
When my son cried out for me if he woke up she would run in and grab him saying he needs her, and then say she cant let him go... She prevented my son wanting me.. i didnt feel like a mother.. i cried every night i didnt sleep i thought about killing myself everyday and still feel like ending my life now, i wanted a family but i wouldnt be able cope with that again....
My son is 2 now and i have and still suffer severe post partum depression... I get severe anxiety whenever she comes over, i cant ever trust her alone with him...
Its horrible that some grandmothers here do that to new mothers... A baby needs his/her mother ONLY.. not granny, baby doesnt need granny...nobody should ever take a baby away from their mother for overnights unless thats what the mum wants...you have no idea the stress and pain you are causing for the mother and thats going to affect her baby...
Having my son was the most beautiful amazing thing i ever had in my life but his grandmother twisted it into something so horrible because she wanted to be territorial over my baby.. i wish i could warn every new mother of this having grannys around was the most harmful thing that happened to me.
Dear Lord Oisinsmummy that is a whole other level of abuse you have suffered, what a nightmare ☹️
I do hope you have your own safe home with your boyfriend and son now.
I hope your boyfriend supports you in keeping his mother at a very long arms length.
Stay strong, you are so right in all you say about what your baby needed when he was small.
I hope you are getting some help from your doctor for your postnatal depression xx
Oh my goodness
There really are some overbearing MILs out there doing awful damage. I hope things keep getting easier Oisinsmummy
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