HELP me to Help my MIL!

It seems she has some deep issues of her own .. the mother of the male partner is always a different dynamic - maybe the maternal bloodline is stronger . I often read on Mumsnet of the MIL issues and often it relates to the giving up of the son to another woman . Now her feelings are amplified with a baby of the son she feels she has already lost - she’s trying g to get back some form of control and suppressing a lot of buried emotions .
I am not expressing myself well in proper therapist lingo but you get my gist — it’s a lot deeper I reckon .

I think you both need to be more assertive now. You’ve tried to tread gently not to hurt her feelings but from experience, she isn’t going to stop unless you are stricter. We are no contact with my In-Laws and my MIL was very much acting like the mother. I got PND and PNA anxiety mostly because of how incompetent they made me feel. I would limit visits until she realises she needs to back away a bit and be Grandma not Mummy. Hugs. I remember how difficult it was xxx

I agree with MawtheMerrier.

Your MIL is in love! And her maternal instincts are on the surface. I wasn’t allowed to form any bond with my first GD as Mum was super possessive. It was a hard lesson to learn but I had had my time.
Could you allow Granny time and you stand back for a little while? Then come back and quietly assert yourself. Everyone is on a learning curve here.
However it does sound as if MIL is acting a little inappropriately, she has a problem somewhere with letting go.

As regards any criticism about how you nurture your youngling - that can be standard MIL territory. It took me over 20 years before my MIL accepted me - I was never good enough for her son, and she never approved of the way I brought up the boys because I didn’t do it the way she did.
I am pleased to say I have two amazing sons who have made wonderful loving parents and, remarkably, they are well-balanced individuals.

If MIL gets too clingy perhaps work out how long it takes on a visit for that to kick in and make the visits shorter, nip it in the bud.

On the plus side tiddler is loved and children who have GPs around are happier - may be at some point you will be happy to have her more involved, just be careful not to push her away too much - that happened in my case and it still hurts. Wish you all the best.

Agree with others that your MIL is unreasonable. You’ve no doubt seen the wails of us mums to boys feeling left out (it IS natural for a girl to cleave to her mum), but your problem seems mega. The bond you are establishing with your baby and comes before anything else. Ditto breastfeeding. I think your position can be strengthened by your DH speaking to his mother - hopefully when she hears it from him, you will not be put in the position of being an awkward DIL. Have you considered expressing milk in a bottle once in a while - certainly not regularly. I would feel a bit worried about your MIL’s obsessive behaviour, but it is not as if she is alone and lonely. Does your DH remember what kind of relations he had with his maternal grandmother? It may be helpful to see how your MIL’s view of her role has originated. I do hope you get some relief.

grannysue you need to start a new thread if you want posters to focus on your question

MawtheMerrier

Suggest she joins Gransnet.
We’ll put her right

Maw is so right, a lot of us years ago were in your position.
a to maw for being so right and for you that you are like many more past and present.

Same old problem. Many moons ago my mum tried it on with me - all the helpful hints and of course babies were always perfect with her. I valued her love and help and there's not a day I don't miss her. My advice to a soon to be new GM was learn to be quiet and help when asked. It's a miracle our children managed to survive and grow into wonderful adults. Your MIL needs to let go of the apron strings and let you parent your children your way - but maybe you can listen and make MIL feel part of the process of learning to be a parent. Good luck

Madgran77- yes you have to be very specific when asking/explaining things to people with autistic tendencies/behaviours.They are very literal in their understanding of things.

"New babies are too precious to be left just to their parents," was one of my mother-in-law's sayings.

Sounds like your mother-in-law thinks along the same lines MooMoo22...

Nannan2, don't forget the op claims to 'work in Autism and mental health so Iv seen all aspects of the spectrum!' - unbelievable, of course (along with all five pages of it) as she demonstrates total ignorance of it.

You have my sympathy, OP.

Just one thought, and I hope you won’t take offence - you seem to be a bit long winded in your explanations and I’m wondering if this is part of the problem with your MIL? Are you saying so much that she is missing the point? Keep it brief, eg. No, baby can’t come for a sleepover yet. He won’t settle.

Best thing to do is stop all visits to your house and only visit her for an hour maximum once a week.
When she starts the guilt trips say "well we have to be going now see you next week" and leave immediately even if she's crying and shouting.
This woman is insanely jealous of you and using emotional blackmail to control you. Just say goodbye and leave. Don't let them visit you again until there is a vast improvement in her attitude.
People with autism like regular times and days mostly so if you could keep your time and day you visit the same it will help. Form a routine and stick to it
Hth good luck OP

MawtheMerrier

For what it is worth, I think this is getting out of hand.
Mountains and if not exactly molehills, not unheard-of family rivalries, spring to mind.
Attitudes seem to be becoming more and more entrenched on both sides too.
Mediation? Really?
What amazes me is how a busy mum with a 5 month old baby who is breast fed, and presumably friends, mum and baby groups, a home to run and a “life” has the time to spend on long long posts seemingly going round in circles.
I’ve only got me and the dog at home and I haven’t got the time to read a fraction of what appears on GN.
I wish you well, OP but with one piece of (no doubt unwelcome advice) - don’t sweat the small stuff.

See thats where your wrong, i don't really see much of my friends or go to groups. Iv tried them and they weren’t for me!

Im fairly good at sending a long message purely because I don’t like sending shorter as I feel you cant fully explain if its all in a short message. Thats me though.

My family have been lovely to theirs. My MIL was awful about my mum at first when he arrived, she accused my mum of being at mine everyday and made out my mum was doing it all for me and she wasn’t. My parents both work full time a police officer and a midwife they call once a week?

I make a conscious effort to go see my Grandparents and my Partners. My MIL doesn’t work a specific day each week I always arrange to see her. I aren’t difficult with her, as I say I want her involved. But as this post is intended I don’t want her beating herself up constantly and getting upset as shes not receiving that love shes craving from the baby!

We know she will get it, but its just not now. A mediator would be good as they are impartial. The inlaws used one with a neighbour they had issues with, iv never used one. But I know a friend who did and it really improved that relationship she had with her In-laws as they got given all sides of it including my friend!

If she is a reader, giver her 'The Little House' by Philippa Gregory and suggest you have a book-club type chat about it.

Ask your husband to read it first.

And very good luck in managing this situation. I watched with horror as one grandma-to-be filled her spare room with everything anticipated grandchild could need including clothes up to age 18 months.

Just checked - it was adapted for i.t.v. in 2010.

Moomoo your partners mum is very lucky to have you as a dil. Many on MN and some on here woukd say go no contact. In my mind that is to be avoided if at all possible.
You clearly want this to work out and are bending over backwards to make this happen. She is making incredible demands which if she doesn't stop could easily cause huge problems as time goes on.
You are new parents finding your way and the pressure she seems to be putting on you is unacceptable. I am the maternal gm but wouldnt dream of making these demands. Our gc was nearly a year old before we looked after him on our own. She is being unreasonable but lucky that you have so much patience. Your partner must be primary in speaking to her as she won't take it from anyone else.
I wish you well.

You're doing all the right things.
Perhaps she could adopt a pet (dog or cat) that she could bestow all her love and care on and as your baby grows up he/she will have a sort of companion. My GC's love our cat - the first thing they do on arrival here is seek her out for a cuddle. You, hubby and baby could help her find a suitable recipient for "all that love she obviously wants so desperately to give".

GrannySue, exactly the same happened to my DGD. She’s now fifteen, and hasn’t been to school for almost two years. It’s so sad, because she has no social life, and is missing out on the learning curves of the teenage years. I may PM you.

MooMoo22 , I'm so sorry you have all this extra stress now when it should be a very happy time. All help from family and friends now should be offering to do housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, anything that gives you time to rest with your new baby.

Baby is still very new, far too young to stay overnight anywhere. We still have covid and passing him around various people is a definite no do. They should be wearing masks to visit as many young parents are doing right now.

Parenting has changed since the virus as little ones are very vulnerable. You and BF decide on your rules and stick to them. You as Mum come first in this. You need to recover properly and keep well to continue breastfeeding.

I'm a Nan to six and there was a similar issue with one dil's mum, she was quite obsessive, over the top. She undermined her daughter's confidence in everything. Fortunately she lives abroad so it could stop.

Remember, you are number one to your baby and BF. Everyone else are 'help' at this stage. Baby is still very young and needs love, protection and routine. Everything else is down the list. Good luck,

Why is it if someone has behaviour issues, doesn't comprehend the basic social interaction and is super selfish, then it must be blamed on autism? The same with Mumsnet.
Your MIL sounds a plain pain in the posterior. She might have autism (is she actually diagnosed, or is it an excuse the family gives for her behaviour?).
Your baby is 5 months old, and she wants overnights, throwing tantrums because you choose to BF? Do not indulge her fantasies. Tell her the baby is the priority, the baby wants/needs his Mum, and her conduct is irrational and very egocentric.

See thats where your wrong, i don't really see much of my friends or go to groups. Iv tried them and they weren’t for me!

Hmm I wonder if this is part of your problem.
NCT or Hypnobirthing and similar ante-natal Mums’ groups and that sort of thing provide massive support for mums - not only First-timers , but also company for the mums and indeed can provide lifelong friendships for both parents, and socialisation for the children.
Did you do NCT or similar classes?
It is incredibly valuable for your MH to be able to share both your own and others’ experience of motherhood. Talking things over with a friend instead of lonely posting on Gransnet (of all things) - not even MN is frankly, a lot healthier and realistic.
You see I think that in your isolation you are in danger of getting things out of proportion about your reality and how you might like things to be. Other mums (not anonymous grans, however well-meaning, some of whom who may not even BE grandparents) are who you should be relating to .
You say “not for you” -that’s very dismissive - the early months and years are when the foundations are laid for family friendships and socialisation.
Please don’t take this the wrong way - but, to use a cliché, you could do with getting out more!

MooMoo22 , I'm so sorry you have all this extra stress now when it should be a very happy time. All help from family and friends now should be offering to do housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, anything that gives you time to rest with your new baby

A tad unrealistic I fear endre - many mums are back at work or close to it by 5 months and certainly coping with everything they have to do!
The first week or so, or longer if paternity leave is involved perhaps, but by 5 months reality will have kicked in. And this is with only one baby - let alone a stroppy two year-old or fitting round school drop-off and pick up times.
Nice to dream though….

I have a high functioning autistic DIL and she is the mother of my only grandchildren. I have never been allowed to be alone with any of them. She is utterly controlling and it’s been heartbreaking.
She is a full time mother and I look for the good things about her, and her highly focused obsession. She even dictates what books I buy for them. And have given up sending them clothes as I never see them and they are never acknowledged. You just have to accept it
As a mother you have far more power than she does. My granddaughters are now 10, 8 and 3, I see them once or twice a year, but they are happy. And I act happy.
Would I have appealed to my son? No, because wives are number one to sons, not their mothers. Something we have to accept.
I no longer have a husband who would have had some influence on my DIL as she regards men more highly, and her father over her mother. Or perhaps she doesn’t feel she has to compete with them?
Hopefully DIL’s will act with compassion and not compete vigorously for importance and MIL’s are grateful for their grandchildren’s happiness even if they are denied the involvement they would have imagined and hoped for.

grannybuy. Please do. Any info is helplful.