HELP me to Help my MIL!

What on earth was all that about.

5 months old and she's demanding sleep overs!!! She needs to know, much more of this and she won't see him AT ALL. Honestly I don't know what I'd suggest but hugs to you and stay steady.

MawtheMerrier NCT or Hypnobirthing and similar ante-natal Mums’ groups and that sort of thing provide massive support for mums - not only First-timers , but also company for the mums and indeed can provide lifelong friendships for both parents, and socialisation for the children. It is incredibly valuable for your MH to be able to share both your own and others’ experience of motherhood. Talking things over with a friend instead of lonely posting on Gransnet (of all things) - not even MN is frankly, a lot healthier and realistic.

IOW, why are you asking GP? Perhaps lower contact, talk with friends in the same situation, post with others your age on MN.

Your partner is out of line, need to turn that around.

My partners made a stupid comment last night ‘when he’s old enough mum you get that fun of turning up and taking him out whenever you want’ . I just looked at him and went absolutely NOT. They don’t take him whenever they want. Would encourage them to do that in a supermarket without paying? No. When he’s older same rules apply you ask, don’t do as you please. Assumptions lead to arguments! And he had to change what he said. I was like you may be ok with your mum doing as she pleases when she pleases if it means shes doing all the hard work you cba doing; but I’m not ok with that, I don't let my parents do that so please stop overriding what we agreed on as you make me look like the bad one and its giving your mum false hopes and its not fair on her!!

42 years ago as a first-time mum, I sometimes felt annoyed that my own parents seemed not to want to be too involved with my DD, even to the extent of not even making me a cup of tea when they visited. Their attitude, I soon learnt, was that the baby was my job, not theirs, and reading MooMoo22's post I now see that was far easier for me to handle than the situation she finds herself in. As my kids got older they were great with them, I could trust them implicitly. They did school pick-ups, visits to the park, we joined some holidays together. My MIL WOULD have been more involved given the chance, but she didn't live close enough. Even so, she and FIL could be counted on to have the children occasionally. Looking back it was perfect all round.

Sadly I have no real advice to offer MooMoo2 other than that she must stick to her guns with a child at this young age. Like many grandparents I would have liked to have been more involved with my DGKs but I respected my DD's wishes. The GKs are approaching their teens now and we all have a great relationship. Yes, I had to get used to some "rules" that my DD laid down, but that was her and her husband's right. I understand that HIS parents get rather more leeway than us but they live closer and "get away" with things such as giving sweets.

I am very sure, however, that the MIL has serious issues that she needs to address. Whilst I feel very sorry for her, seemingly finding it against her nature to take a back seat, MooMoo22 must not take any risk where her baby is concerned. If this causes a rift with MIL, then so be it. Maybe then the rest of the family will seek to get her help - it simply isn't MooMoo22's job to do that. Clearly MM22 is a very kind lady, but her priority is not MIL right now.

Much love xxxxx

My goodness, I really do feel so very sorry for what's happening. You are a little family and need to just tell her you need time to settle and will let her know when it's OK to visit or better still you visit her and can leave when you have had enough. Good luck,

It sounds as if your MIL has defined her identity through her role as a mother. Presumably in her own eyes she was an amazing Mum and knows it all. I doubt you will change MIL. Its impossible to change other people, particularly if they dont want to change. For that reason any kind of therapy for her is unlikely to work. It only works if the person receiving therapy is themselves trying to change and is highly motivated. I dont have experience of mediation, nor indeed do I have the answer, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having all these troubles. It is early days. Having a first child is such a massive change for everyone and things may well calm down as time goes on. I would highly recommend joining some kind of mother and baby group even if you are not a group person. Parents can always find common ground for discussion (their children!) and your baby will benefit from contact with others. You also may find people with similar issues for mutual support and it will give you another focus. If nothing else you will at least be out of the house for entire mornings or afternoons and therefore not available to MIL!

Hetty58

Nannan2, don't forget the op claims to 'work in Autism and mental health so Iv seen all aspects of the spectrum!' - unbelievable, of course (along with all five pages of it) as she demonstrates total ignorance of it.

The first thing you learn with autism is that when you've met one autistic person with their problems, you haven't met them all. They come in all shapes and sizes with different levels of being able to adapt. With the OP's experience of autism, it surprises me that she doesn't understand the MIL's rigidity in her thinking and the inability to adapt easily. That said, when you're up to your neck with all she is, it can be difficult when you have someone you feel is pushing against you.

Idunnsapple

Why is it if someone has behaviour issues, doesn't comprehend the basic social interaction and is super selfish, then it must be blamed on autism? The same with Mumsnet.
Your MIL sounds a plain pain in the posterior. She might have autism (is she actually diagnosed, or is it an excuse the family gives for her behaviour?).
Your baby is 5 months old, and she wants overnights, throwing tantrums because you choose to BF? Do not indulge her fantasies. Tell her the baby is the priority, the baby wants/needs his Mum, and her conduct is irrational and very egocentric.

Maybe because that can be what autism looks like to a neurotypical person? I wonder how you think autism is identified in the first place. It is because a child lacks the usual social skills, empathy, rigidity in thinking and usually has behavioural issues. The earlier you catch it, the better the outcome is for assisting the child to integrate better but those issues are still there, they may just be more manageable. Brain studies have showed that the brain works differently so it is hardly an excuse.

Nannan2

Madgran77- yes you have to be very specific when asking/explaining things to people with autistic tendencies/behaviours.They are very literal in their understanding of things.

Exactly! Which is why I and others are suggesting it and I think is why there was a response from MiL when it was clearly explained to her. The same strategy needs consistent use

I think she sounds like a character in a suspense/ horror type film and the situation can only get more stressful and creepy unless she is stopped in her obsessive, selfish and mistakenly entitled tracks. What a pain this woman must be. I feel so sorry for you. Good luck and well done BF for standing up to your awful parent !

I too think she sounds like some character in a book -a very bad book.

Hey OP! I haven't read all replies but want to say I could have written your post. My MIL is not autistic but displayed a lot of these behaviours. I'm ashamed to say I went no contact. But it took the edge off. I still worry about her feelings occasionally but I dont obsess anymore. It doesnt matter what you do - she has to figure it out. They are her emotions. You can only fill your own bucket of happiness.

Mine took over at 4 weeks pp when they visited for 2 weeks, tried to kick me out my own house and ruined my pp period. I am still annoyed about it. She's lucky in a way that we live overseas because contact with my baby has reduced naturally and she's had to deal with the realisation that she isn't as important as mummy or daddy. If she'd lived up the road I think we'd have seen very little of her by choice and that would have been harder to deal with. Don't let her visit every week. She needs to understand that your needs and wants trump hers - by changing plans for you guys she will realise she isn't top dog. If you keep trying to make her happy she won't learn to deal with being unhappy. I see it as a set of scales - at the moment her desires are weighing the scales down. You need to level them otherwise you'll struggle to care for your son. Take a break from seeing them. Go away for a weekend break together as a family. Let her protest, let her throw a tantrum. Remember you will have an actual toddler soon who also won't be able to process their feelings either. Are you going to reward tantrums with what they want? Nah. Course not! Get used to feeling like you're a baddy, I'm learning that's part of becoming a mum. Your kids aren't going to love you all the time, and they shouldn't, especially if they are learning about boundaries.

Trust me - take a weekend mini break and get back to being a family. This time is so precious. You want to look back fondly not remember being disgruntled.

I should add - that I am now on speaking terms with my MIL again now things have calmed down but I just needed to protect my headspace. My husband still video called her to show her our son, I'd just be somewhere else at the time so I didn't hear all the criticism about our parenting. Now I'm more confident I just say "why on earth would we do that" or "Well that ain't happening" if she tries to imply her way is better.

icanhandthemback

Idunnsapple

Why is it if someone has behaviour issues, doesn't comprehend the basic social interaction and is super selfish, then it must be blamed on autism? The same with Mumsnet.
Your MIL sounds a plain pain in the posterior. She might have autism (is she actually diagnosed, or is it an excuse the family gives for her behaviour?).
Your baby is 5 months old, and she wants overnights, throwing tantrums because you choose to BF? Do not indulge her fantasies. Tell her the baby is the priority, the baby wants/needs his Mum, and her conduct is irrational and very egocentric.

Maybe because that can be what autism looks like to a neurotypical person? I wonder how you think autism is identified in the first place. It is because a child lacks the usual social skills, empathy, rigidity in thinking and usually has behavioural issues. The earlier you catch it, the better the outcome is for assisting the child to integrate better but those issues are still there, they may just be more manageable. Brain studies have showed that the brain works differently so it is hardly an excuse.

That's a bit of a patronising presumption on your part that I have no knowledge of autism.
I know enough about the spectrum, having a severely autistic son of 20. I have a library of books on the subject to rival any bookshop and have read extensively. That's not the point.
The point is that any deviation in behaviour is regularly claimed by the specialists of Mumsnet/Gransnet to be autism. Not every person who is difficult in social situations has autism. Some are just ego-centric.
Incidentally, not all people with autism are lacking empathy, some do, some don't.

It is a presumption on your part that mothers on GN and MN are using autism as an excuse for their child's behaviour, Idunnsapple. You asked a question and I responded. I usually make a statement with the word "may" or "sometimes" but didn't hear because I was in a hurry so you are quite right, some ASD brains can be empathetic. As for having a library, you will know that this is a processing disorder and that someone with ASD may cope admirably well until they hit something that they just can't process easily or at all. It sounds like this is where OP's MIL is.

Empathy can be learned even if it isn't present, that's why pets are a great idea and why we use social stories.

Autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour but other adults can modify their behaviour to help, like explaining things carefully and ensuring the person with autism is prepared for events in advance.

Either way, other adults have needs too and can be negatively impacted. The best thing to do is carefully explain feelings and needs and have solid boundaries

Hmm
Despite posting like there’s no tomorrow, OP seems to have “been otherwise occupied” or IOW abandoned us.
I do wonder about this sort of thread pattern - lengthy convoluted posts, elaborate back story, many many sympathetic replies and helpful comments from other posters - not a lot of sign of taking things on board though ….
And then - silence.
I have drawn my conclusions which I do not necessarily expect others to share.
Draft plot of a chick lit novel?
A deliberate “plant” to arouse interest on GN perhaps to increase footfall?
Or a wind up?

Sorry but I think the whole "fake post" stuff is gross

If you think MILs like this don't exist, you are mistaken

And the advice may help someone, even if you are right

Also troll hunting is against guidelines for a good reason

If you are suspicious, report it to gransnet instead of ostrasising a possibly vulnerable poster and spreading paranoia

Perhaps she now has writer's cramp? It reminds me of the 'Italian job' one - where we told her to shut the blinds and not answer the door. Back then, I wondered how a new mother had so much time to write!

VioletSky: 'the advice may help someone' - but anyone can just type MIL in the search box to find a plethora of advice, repeated (ad nauseam) in the regular, similar posts - such as:

Overbearing
How to deal with
Selfish
I resent
Seeks advice
Etc.

It would save so many people so much time!

Nobody is ostracising anybody and I am not aware of any paranoia- are you?
Nobody has to agree with me- I'm fine with that.

I might be with you Maw.

Yes

I’m with you Maw

Since this type of post seems to come up regularly, maybe it would be better to direct posters to previous threads, as Hetty58 suggests. From some of the responses, it seems as if this type of MIL is occasionally a problem, but there has been plenty of advice before. I suspect most new Grans "grow out of" the over-enthusiasm after a while!

Perhaps one of our members with time to search would start a thread with advice for those with MIL problems with links to the previous threads - that way it would save a lot of repetition.