Unbiased Help Needed

Hithere

Looks like it's just a possibility, right? It is it confirmed?

Either way, just talk to your son when the date of moving (if it comes to that) is confirmed - how you would keep in touch

You said your son has an adventurous spirit, so this seems something he would do, with or w/o dil

What does it have to do "treating dil as a member of your family" with your son's answer " it will work out"?

It is unrealistic that they would make your wants a big factor in their decisions

Bottom line: don't blame your dil for a decision your son is also taking

All of this. It seems you were hoping your dil being more of a homebody would be an aide to
You getting what YOU want which is for your adventurous independent son to not take an opportunity to live abroad and earn well. As it turns out your independent adventurous son already worked it out so that his less adventurous wife would feel comfortable - bravo to him. This has zero to do with daughter in law or her favoring her family and everything to do with you being disappointed she wasn’t your ally in getting what you want after all.

Wish your adventurous and independent son and his family well

MercuryQueen

All you can do is support whatever decision they make. It’s not reasonable to expect them to make decisions centred around anyone but themselves. They may go, since your son has always wanted to travel, or they may stay, since your DIL is more a homebody. Either way, you’re best not pushing or pulling.

I agree with Mercury Queen. It could go either way.

My DS is quite adventurous. We lived overseas when he was a teenager. His partner is a homebody and they have a toddler now. She is very close to her parents and they have just relocated to be closer.

I would think that your DH's partner will be more inclined to stay put now that they have a young child.

What ever happens, don't guilt trip your DS. It is his life and we have to learn to let our children go

I can’t comment much here because we did exactly what your son is looking at doing and emigrated, leaving both sets of parents back in the UK. In a way we all got on better at a distance with frequent phone calls ( they didn’t have computers and FaceTime then) . You should feel proud that you have brought up an independent,mature young man and he will always love you, no matter what !

Surely you should be proud of your son and assume he's doing the best he can for everyone in the family. Don't ask, leave it be.

Whatever the reality of the situation, I can understand your feelings, which are, IMO, perfectly natural. We feel what we feel, and just because others might not feel the same in the circumstance (or think they wouldn't) is no reason for you to feel bad about the feelings you have, which are perfectly valid.

As I'm sure you know, however, there is nothing you can do about it, even if you wanted to, so the question is how you and your son can make sure that 'it all works out'. Which it will, if everyone wants it to. Now that we have FaceTime and Zoom, keeping in touch is so much easier than it used to be, and wherever your family ends up you can talk to them regularly. In fact, the distance between you could mean that you talk more regularly than you would if you were, say, 100 miles apart, as you would all make an effort. My mum and bother (who is in Oz) speak at a pre-arranged time once a week, and she has seen her grandchildren grow up between visits.

Chin up. You might have to put a brave face on things (and I also understand the creeping jealousy of the ILs - that is natural too), but who knows how things will work out. There are numerous possibilities, but if you can be flexible you will be in a better frame of mind to see them, and if you are a positive voice in the decisions, you will have more chance of being consulted.

Princessjonsie - I logged in today to write a post about being paternal grandma and how it makes me feel. I read your post and I totally and utterly get how you are feeling. I do everything the same as you ie asking before going to the house, asking before I do anything with dgs etc etc. I am lucky in that I look after dgs one day a week but it’s all the other times when help is needed like illness etc I am never asked to help out (and most of the time not even told dgs is ill unless Ive happened to call) it’s always dil’s family who are asked to help out even though we live the same distance from dgs - I know I sound like I’m wining but it hurts - a lot - and makes me feel second best. Anyway Princessjonsie I just wanted to say I feel for you - I really do and totally understand xx

While we have to let our grown children go, it is inevitable that a parent will find the thought of a child moving so far away painful.

We know it’s their choice, not ours and hard though it is we have to accept it. Best to be generous with encouragement but having had to deal with this myself know it’s not easy.
I wish you well.

Princessjonsie remember Robbie Burns "the best laid plans of mice and men gan oft agley"
Your in-laws may think they have it all worked out but the unexpected often happens and things have to change. I notice it is the dad making all the plans and he was the one working abroad whilst mum stayed home with the girls. Home may still be where they prefer.
Put on a brave face and wave them goodbye. Save your pennies up to visit.
Dubai is a different place for a family with a baby than it is for a man working away from home. Lots of things could happen including home-sickness. Your DIL may have family visiting but her friends will not be there.
If they have already decided to go don't try and stop them. Just let things take their course.
You raised your son well. Have faith in him to do the right thing.

It still seems uncertain as to whether your DS will go abroad, it could go either way but that won't stop you worrying I know. Over 50 years ago I told my mum during a general chat that my soon to be husband was thinking of going out to Hong Kong for a few years, she never expressed any opinion about this to me and in the end we did something different. After mum died I found a letter from a Great Aunt, born in the Victorian age, supporting my mother but pointing out that thousands of people went all over the world to support the Empire! my poor mum must have talked to everyone but me about it. Nothing changes except now, if they do go abroad you will be able to FaceTime and be in constant daily touch
while they are away.
The issue of girls going to their family for help has been covered many times on here, it is always a difficult one to resolve

Women gravitate towards their own mothers because they have been brought up and nurtured by their mothers their entire life and have a lifetime of memories together.

Unfortunately men often do not seem to have the same level of connection with their own mothers.

There is a classic saying, “A son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life” (or something along those lines)

When your husband and DIL married, he did not agree to join her family and she did not agree to join your family, they made a pact to create a new, nuclear family together.

It sounds like they have just made a decision to do what is best for them and, unfortunately for you, as her family are in a financial position to be able to visit frequently, it seems you have the short end of the stick.

I would just tell them that you understand they are doing what is best for their nuclear family and that you 100% support them in that but that they will be dearly missed and you will miss spending time with them and your grandchild. Maybe ask DIL if there’s anything you can do to help in the run up to them moving and tell her it would be nice if you could set up regular video calls once they are settled, if that is ok.

I expect they will still be able to visit you as well as you hoping to occasionally visit them but this is one of those situations where they just need to experience life for themselves.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it can’t be easy for you.