Got to do Something - - HELP PLEASE

We tried and tried over the years to go into the house. We knew it was dirty and a hoarders home. Offered several times to help clean. When the girls were in middle school they became their mother's maids. They told me if they didn't clean , it wouldn't get done. Then when they tried to clean, got yelled out and verbally abused for trying to get rid of things. They talked to school counselors, the county came in, not sure what the consequences were they didn't go into detail. But no matter how many times it gets cleans up, it reverts back. I think the issue is now that the girls are finally saying enough. If your parents don't care that your home is a dump and falling in around you because you would rather add to the issue by buying $5000 dog or some other animal and not repair the home.
My Son will not replace anything, the girls said the kitchen faucet leaks as well as the sink, he just turned the water off under the sink.
These are sick people. I don't know how they got this way or why. I don't care about the consequences on the adults. But the girls need help overcoming the affect this type of life has on the rest of their live.

3 girls are adults - they should look for therapy to overcome their upbringing and hoarding conditions

That is out of your hands unless they ask for your support

The 16 year old - report report report.

As someone has already said, I'd urge you to contact Child Protective Services regarding the youngest grandchild.

As for the parents, hoarding is now a recognised MH issue both in the UK and USA, and in the majority of cases is a result of some form of traumatic event.
Not letting people into a hoarded home is standard practice, many know what they're doing isn't considered 'normal' but they struggle to find a way out of it because of the trauma, which ideally needs addressing BEFORE anything can be done about the hoarding, but even when friends/family realise what's been going on, many just want to go in with a big skip and dump everything, which is likely to cause even more trauma, so people will be kept as far away as possible.
Those that hoard, actually need to be in the right place mentally before they seek assistance, there's absolutely no point trying to force the issue, it'll only make things worse, but if you're son/DiL do eventually reach that point, there are support services and organisations available to help them.

My only criticism here is that you've said you don't care about your own son, that to me is horrible. No matter what his situation is or the state of his MH, yes, he's a grown adult (as are 2 of your GDs) but he's still your child and always will be, so surely don't you WANT to help him as well as his daughters?
Maybe you could find information on a local support group and give it to one of the girls. I'm not saying he'll immediately jump up and change his hoarding behaviours, it's a process, and a long one at that, but I think that involving CPS, getting the younger girls the help they need and then for all of them (including CPS) to try to encourage your son and DiL to get some help to try to address the causes of the hoarding, might help (in the longer term) to heal relationships and help the girls to move forward in life without the effects of the trauma their parents' hoarding may have caused them.

Good luck!
My heart goes out to you and especially your grandchildren, what an awful life they have.
It's very difficult to know what to do in this sort of situation, which is no help to you at all.
Legally you can do nothing except report your concerns to the social services and the children's school.
It sounds to me as if they live in a scary controlling environment, and who knows what really goes on behind closed doors.
My first step would be to ask friends and family for their input before you decide what steps to take.
Prayers for you xx

This sounds like a Lifeyine movie! Ugh. I'm USA, Like you. Did you report to DYFUS? ASPCA? Police? Sometimes I think the ASPCA and the Humane Society could do more than the societies for human problems. But The Child Protection Services really needs to be contacted

I meant "Lifetime" movie...

My only criticism here is that you've said you don't care about your own son, that to me is horrible.

I read it as ginger3151 wants to prioritise her DGDs and doesn't have the energy to try to help their parents too, which seems reasonable at this point.

There is some good advice here and I hope you find it helpful ginger3151.

Though the 2 older girls are out of home, did they have the opportunity to go for more schooling for education, trade, skill? Getting married & moving to Las Vegas (this can not be a great place for a young woman with little means nor guidance to be trying to support herself in a healthy manner) aren’t exactly best answers to the abuse they have already suffered. Neither is a guarantee to make up for all the problems they may now or in the future suffer. Encourage training or higher education with them and help get financial aid if needed. Giving the 2 younger girls the chance for more eduction now might be a way to remove them easily from this living situation. Sharing in your home or their own small apt. Counseling would be effective and necessary for you and them. I wasn’t brought up in a dysfunctional home, nor was ours this way until I suffered a life changing health event years ago. Luckily our children were heading to college at the time so they were spared some tough times with me.
If a faith base is not part of your beliefs, consider finding one that appeals to all and make it part of the solution.
I and others will keep you & these lovely young ladies
in our prayers.

could the 2 youngest come to stay with you.
is it far.
could they get to school from your house.
you could report the parents anonymously to animal welfare, as the conditions will not be conducive for animals either.
i used to watch animal cops and they were often the catalyst to other agencies becoming involved.

Ginger - please urge the girls to speak to her school counselor. Would they be eligible for a scholarship that may be provided further away so they have to move out to attend the new school? That would give everyone an excuse. Maybe this can be arranged with the school counselor as I know how good they are. But the girls need to speak up.
And yes, the school can arrange for a welfare officer or social work to come out. But no matter what they went through, the girls will still love their parents and may not want to move away, you have to be prepared for that option too. Have they expressed that they want to get away from home?
To start off with, can you invited them for a sleep-over, will your son allow that?
Offer the two who are out emotional support and urge them to seek counseling to process their past so they can move on.

I feel for you and yes, I can see that it would not alway be that easy knowing. I know plenty of families where they don't invite people over, it's not as uncommon as people think.
And it's not your fault. But now that you know you need to act and ensure your grandkids that you will help and support them. One day at a time. Sit down with them and make a plan of what they want and then see how you can achieve it. I am sure school will be a great help.

Seems completely unbelievable after reading the post through twice. I can’t really fathom out how and why such an awful situation has arisen but I agree with some other posts….for goodness sake research your rights when tackling any undesirable situation in another country before jumping in with two feet and a lot of determination! ! You don’t want to finish up the wrong side of the law in the US because trying to defend yourself will undoubtedly bankrupt you!

You can only help your granddaughters if they are willing to accept your help.

You can and should encourage those who are legally of age, and I assume that it is only the 16 year old who is not to find themselves jobs and leave home, or if they are studying move into student accomodation. Or you could invite them to live with you until they find other accomodation.

You may even be able to legally help the 16 year old to leave her parents' home, but this you need either a lawyer or child services to verify for you.

ginger3151

2 girls arecat home, 1 married live close and the other moved out recently. The 2 left are NOT adults, they are not self sufficient.
Sm

The definition of a legal adult is not subjective. It’s not your word to redefine. They are adults. Period. Self-sufficiency is a separate issue altogether.

You can reach out to them directly and offer your home, but they are legally responsible for themselves. Call CPS in the case of the one and only minor. If there are credible findings from a home visit, the minor can be removed until the health hazards are no longer present and the parents have completed whatever court requirements result from the removal. Your anger and judgement is not useful here. If they are indeed hoarders, they have mental health problems. Keep that top of mind and realize that your anger has no place here. Their illness is not some intentional personal affront to you. Don’t make this about you. If this is about your grandchildren, focus on them. Offer your home. If it is not accepted, reach out to professionals for ways to help you cope with not being able to control the situation.

I think a lot of the rage you are feeling may be disappointment at the lack of closeness in the relationship. Your granddaughters are basically grown up and you have had little real knowledge of the personal lives. It hurts. I can understand that. But infantilising them just because you missed their true childhoods will not make this easier for you. You can’t turn back the clock. Move forward with a realistic outlook. Establish what you would like to do for them. But keep in mind that their fates are in their own hands.

Incredible post lyle

I am going to concentrate on the 2 girls that are still at home. Well one is at home the 16 year old. I want to make sure her mother doesn't try to make her Cinderella. Her mother expects the girls to do all the cleaning, even cooking and feeding and caring for all the animals she has. I am hoping this one maybe becomes a little rebellious without making matters worse. She has lots to try and contend with right now being a junior in high school and into sports, etc. In my opinion her welfare and happiness is much more important than her parents and all the dumb animals.!

@Hithere thank you!

OP, Do you not see how incredibly unhelpful your mentality is here? It leaves one to question your intent. You seem vengeful. Like this is about you. It’s really not. You seem like you hate your daughter in law more than you want help for the family. You want behavioral problems on top of all of what that family is dealing with? I don’t think you are a safe person to get involved here. Wishing for more discord within the house helps no one. So if you don’t want a better environment, I think it’s best your relationship with them continue as it always has…with a reasonable distance. You can’t come into the picture after everyone has grown up and decide that the way you want to “help” is to wish the family more problems. For all of their sake, if you are not going to do the most objectively reasonable thing—calling CPS—then swiftly get off this path of parental alienation you seem to be seeking validation for.

For the record, everyone in that household should be cleaning if they are able. It’s not just your daughter in law’s responsibility. A grown woman and a 16 yr old have zero reason whatsoever to complain about having to clean. All parties in that household are officially equally responsible at their ages. There are no small children there.

Please keep in mind that you have the only the teen’s story. I am not doubting how horrific it must be to live in filth with parents who have not received the mental help to make a suitable home environment. Understand no matter what you are told, unless your son and daughter in law open up to you, you will never be as knowledgable about the situation as you think you are. As for the adult daughter still living at home, has she asked to come stay with you? She has the legal right to do what she wants and still chooses the filthy home over your place? What’s the story there?

Do not attempt to pit the teen or even the others against the parents. This family needs someone more loving and rational to help them here. Your comments do not give that impression. Please decide if you want to help or harm.

FarNorth

^My only criticism here is that you've said you don't care about your own son, that to me is horrible.^

I read it as ginger3151 wants to prioritise her DGDs and doesn't have the energy to try to help their parents too, which seems reasonable at this point.

There is some good advice here and I hope you find it helpful ginger3151.

This was my reading too.
It is sometimes overwhelming to look at all our worries at once.

Thinking of you all.

It sounds like the parents have a Mental Health Issue. Hoarding (which yes is an illness) and perhaps OCD or ADHD or something else, all of which need to be treated. Abuse is sometimes related to BiPolar 1 or 2 or just plain Sociopathy. Just information. Whatever the issues plaguing the couple, they are adults who are able to get help if they so choose. The daughters you said have already moved away and will start their own lives. The 16 year old technically could request emancipation, however she has grown up in this all her life and now may think it is normal. For some reasons you felt it better to stand back through the years. You may only be able to offer your support at this point. It is hard and it is sad, but we can't force our adult children to do what we feel they should. I would recommend you get a therapist for yourself to help you make healthy cognitive decisions and bolster your own mind health regarding the situation. Asking peers is fine, but a trained person can do wonders to guide you before it consumes you.

I’m still trying to decide quite what to reply with as it does seem rather ‘far fetched’ in what you’ve said OP.

If not and this is indeed true then you must report immediately. This isn’t something you’re able to deal with on your own. Best wishes.