Maternal grandparents feeling less valued/sidelined

I know this is a tough stage of life. I’m going through it now, the kids are empty nested and they are doing really well on their own. I have all sons and one is married with kids. My DIL has a twin sister and is very close with her family who all live nearby. I just keep inserting myself to see the kids as much as I can and try to be kind to myself realizing that this new stage is something to learn how to navigate.

I also feel for you tremendously, and I think that some people, whether they are grand parents or not, are just more ‘grabby’ of everything, including time, and less thoughtful of other people and their feelings.

It’s not a competition, as someone said, and you are not treating it as one, I think that some of us are gentler, less pushy people who can sometimes be overlooked.

It’s a hard line, I find personally, between saying what I feel to my relatives and sounding needy. I may just be over thinking it all!

Hope it improves, you sound a lovely person.

🌷🌷🌷

I think it is only natural to feel hurt in this situation, I do feel for you Blueshell.

On a positive note, think how lucky we are being able to FT and get regular emails and photographs! My son and gc live about 2 pretty gruelling hours away and I am so grateful that we get so many updates. My Mother, who absolutely adored babies , would have loved this contact. Unfortunately she died at 60 when my son was pretty young. Look on the bright side - although I genuinely sympathise with your feelings.

I’m the paternal side and have felt second best with both sons gc I just have to keep it to myself and plod on.

I would feel exactly the same as the OP. I suppose we have to try to remember how busy their lives are as ours once were - work, school etc. We are not in their thoughts constantly as they are in ours. Personally I would love to spend every day with my AC and GC and on the days I don't hear from them I can feel quite low and don't mind admitting it. I have friends and hobbies but they don't interest me nearly as much as the time spent with family. Retirement has never suited me and I am easily bored. My family were, and are, my life. I don't know how some people can manage to feel so detached.

I understand completely how you feel. Two of my three daughters and 5 GCs live reasonably close but have busy lives and during the school holidays they go to the other two sets of GPs because both sets own places in the Alpes, country and by the med. sea, therefore I don’t see them very much. My third lives in the UK a few minutes walk away from her P-I-L .
However, we try to get together for weddings, christenings, first communion, profession de foi …. But like you the other GM does cut into my time when I have arranged to have an outing with my DDs by saying it should be a GMs and DDs day out, as if she doesn’t see them enough on their holidays.

Your not unreasonable,about 10 years ago my mil decided to stop sending any cards be it birthdays,Christmas or any other special events,they don’t visit anymore we live in England they live in north wales,she seems to expect us to go there.She doesn’t go out so she thinks it’s ok for us to do a 200 round trip to sit in her house,I had cancer and we still went.I think that’s unreasonable.

I also used to live long distance from both my sons who both lived close to inlaws family I would also see all these family things happening. It’s natural to feel jealous we all do at one point or other. But unless you tell them how you feel they can’t read your mind. Until you except it’s never going to change unless you live closer your jealousy could eat away at you. I’ve just moved last week to be closer to my youngest and his family but i still have my oldest who is long distance with my other grandkid’s. My sons never have inlaws they were I visit unless it’s Christmas birthdays etc don’t you have other grandkids

I too understand how you feel, but they obviously love you and make an effort to see you and for you to spend time with your grandchildren.
Try turning it around, although your time was "cut short" at least still came, they could have cancelled altogether!

Dcba I very much agree with you. My DD lived 200 miles away whilst her daughters were growing up and I just accepted that the girls were too far away to do our bit. After they’d been through the terrible teens and were more independent with driving, working etc. they made much more of an effort to visit us. Now my DD lives only 20 miles away but of course they had flown the nest by then. I looked after my sons children who live locally from babies to secondary school and now they’re in the terrible teens … but I am patient and know that eventually they’ll “come back” too. Patience and tolerance of the situation always pays off ..

I completely understand how you feel, and why. I have 3 grown up children and they all live close to their ‘in-laws’. I’m not well and disabled. I always have to travel to see them (1.5hr, 2hr and 4 hr+ journeys). The drive nearly kills me. There’s no issues, we get on well. It hurts me so much though. I’ve brought it up in the past, they know how hurt I feel but it doesn’t make one iota of difference. They are wrapped up in their own lives and those OH families.
The way I see it is that, like me, it’s what they’ve chosen in spite of it being so unkind. My advice to you is to gently remind them occasionally that you love them very much and are sad that you see so little of them, and then just leave it at that. Don’t get drawn into a conversation about it and risk an argument or heated debate. At the end of the day it’s their loss and frankly is thoughtless. Stay strong lovely.

I really feel for you - I would feel exactly the same as you do. Especially as its a daughter.

Many grandparents have experienced the hurt thst you are feeling but do remember thst grandkids don’t stay little for long - and when they get a little older . Teenagers or even preteens - for ever socializing with one set of grandparents or the other will be one a chore to them!

Try and reprogrammed your thoughts and emotions around this sticky situation because there is no simple solution to it.

Unfortunately the issue arises from distances between the two families. If they had moved nearer you then the other set of GPS might be feeling the way you are now. You are not on an even playing field. I think its probably a common issue with families. Seems like you have to accept it. Sounds like you are lucky to have good relationships. And young couples have such hectic lives nowadays it's probably hard pleasing everyone. Could you arrange a few zoom meetings so you see your GC between visits. I know its not the same as a hug, but better than nothing. I think you should try to make the best you can of the situation and be glad of the time you get to spend with them. I know its not perfect, but try not to overthink it or feel resentful.

Grandtante I thoroughly agree with you.

We have learnt to make the most of precious times we get with DS and DGC. They live in Europe so we visit when allowed and stay in a hotel (about 3 times a year). DIL parents live in another country so always get priority and stay with them individually (only room for one person at a time). I have learnt to make the most of any time we get with them. In between we face time and always text everyday. It’s not easy but you just have enjoy what you can.

I hesitate to say you are being unreasonable, but if you could try to stop feeling hurt that your son-in-law's parents see the grandchildren more often than you do, you would make life a great deal easier for yourself.

Try to be glad that your daughter gets on well with her in-laws. Gransnet and the world as such is full of young women complaining about their mother-in-law and women our age complaining about their daughters-in-law. Your daughter is fortunate in not being one of the young women who cannot get on with their in-laws.

Please, try to realise that having grandchildren is a bonus, not a right, and that none of us have the right to feel hurt that our children don't live next-door to us.

Don't even think about moving nearer to your daughter - you don't know if she and her husband might later on change their jobs and move away.

Your grandchildren won't be needing day-care forever - they will grow up and as teenagers may not even want to spend time with any of their grandparents, or may, when they are old enough to come and see you on their own prefer you to their paternal grandparents.

Enjoy the time you can spend with them and their parents, and spend the rest of your time doing other things you enjoy.

It seems to me reading similar posts on this site, that a lot of grandparents seem to feel that their children and grandchildren should be the centre of their lives.

You may not feel this, of course, but if you do, be careful. You will have a better relationship with your children and grandchildren if they are important, but not the kingpin of your existence.

I feel your pain 💐

I do feel for you as my DS lives 4 hours away but very close to DIL's family. I used to feel jealous too but I managed to change this when I realised how excited my GC are when they see me, rather than DIL's parents whom they see often and take for granted. It's interesting that you are the maternal GP as we paternal ones usually get short-changed. You sound like lovely, caring people and your GC is lucky to have you.

Blueshell. So sorry you’re feeling upset with your situation, and it must hurt. You’ve had some great advice from other grans on here. I do hope it’s helped you. 💐

No idea what your financial/housing situation is but have you considered Park Home living as an option. Two years ago I sold my bricks and mortar, paid off my mortgage and bought a park home to be nearer (was a 3.5 hour drive) to where my grandchildren are. I absolutely love Park Home life, its a 'community' like I remember my childhood community, its an over 50's site but grandchildren can visit and stay over. I love having my grandchildren to stay ❤️

I am the paternal grandparent who lives 45 minutes from GC, the maternal set live 4+ hours away. It is natural that closest GPs will do the lion share of babysitting.
When DIL's parents visited I always made myself scarce for the duration to allow them to enjoy the GC.
I do not understand the jealousy, not a nice trait.

I have a similar situation and have learnt that the way to manage those feeling is to be grateful that they have committed grandparents close at hand. We offer a warm welcome and help out when we can. Don’t compete! I also make an effort to be in touch with the other grandparents. As the children get older, you could offer to have them more during the school holidays for fun staycations!

Granny here - I have a daughter too. I guess you could say that I'm in the in-law's position - inasmuch that we do two days childcare at the moment and grandchild has his own room here, so sleeps over whenever my daughter and son-in-law have a social event. However this has come about because we did actually move to be nearer them, so quite an upheaval, but got a more suitable property with a smaller garden, so all good.

But the other two sets of grandparents get to see our/their grandchild too - weddings, birthdays, holidays away, etc. Everyone is always respectful not to encroach on each other's time though. It works fine. But the bit 'but' here is I think you should bear in mind the childcare situation is pretty time limited. Those early years fly by and our grandchild will be going to school in September, so things will change.

As they get older maybe they will come to you for extended stays in the holidays. This present time is just a snapshot and will change. Well done for not mentioning it to your daughter. I am a passionate gardener and when not seeing our grandchild get absorbed with that, and also am a voracious reader. Of course I do stuff like coffee and meals out with my husband too. Things change, time passes - try and think positive and I'm sure you'll feel more comfortable with the situation once this very intense period of early years is done with.