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Maternal grandparents feeling less valued/sidelined

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blueshell2 Thu 27-Jul-23 14:44:10

my DD has always lived very near her husbands family( about a 30 min drive) whilst we are over 3 hours by car from them. they wfh so made a choice to live this close.
They see his mum and dad at least once a week, usually more, and his extended family get together very frequently as they all live very closely spaced. They see our GC on lots of family occasions, lunches, teas, outings etc.
His parents do a day child care each week for our two year old GC.
We do a day child care every fortnight taking it in turns to make the journey( one fortnight we go there and stay over, do a day and return home) and the next fortnight they do it.

We have always thought this was very good of them and been grateful for so much contact. We love our GC and have a lot of fun when we are together.

I have always felt sad that they did not choose to live a little nearer us so that they were a daytrip away but have never said this.

I also have never expected to see our GC more than the Paternal GP's do but it is getting obvious that these childcare days that we do are becoming a bit too much effort for them.
It doesnt surprise me, we have been so lucky this far, but i do suffer terrible jealousy when i hear of all the family events they have and just lately , they cut their visit to us so short as they had to get home to go to a family lunch for his dads birthday( not a special big birthday or anything). this followed a couple of weeks when we couldnt fulfil our visit to them due to ill health so i was left feeling a bit hurt and angry.

His folks knew they were cutting "our time" short but insisted on arranging the gathering at lunch so they all had to leave at the crack of dawn. It would have helped if it could have been a teatime slot.
They had only had a special family party two weeks before this so I felt they could have done without my DD, SIL and GC for once. My SIL never seems to be able to refuse any family request btw.

my question is , after all this rambling, am I unreasonable in feeling hurt and discarded in favour of the other family who can get together almost any time they choose?

I would be grateful for some perspective on this , perhaps some advice on how this sort of situation has been handled by others too would be so helpful.

I feel a bit worthless at the moment but i know I cant see the wood for the trees on this one.
thanks

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mabon1 Sat 29-Jul-23 22:27:09

I agree with you. My great grandchildren see far more of the maternal side, but hey, that's how it goes, I live a long way away.

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bevisp1 Sun 30-Jul-23 12:02:34

I understand how you feel, I’m in 🇬🇧 I have a son in Canada with his now wife and all her family live nearby to them. I do see pictures and hear what they sometimes do as a family. My son has been there almost 3-4 yrs, no children yet, that will be another issue when it comes. I did go through the jealousy stage of not having the same as ‘them’, his in-laws. But since I went to the wedding last year in Canada and I have since been back for a week to spend time with just son and dghtr in law, I’ve been able to get through my thoughts and jealously. I think my son is aware of how I feel. Being jealous long term won’t do me any good. So I’ve told myself that when they do visit here or us to them we do make up for lost time, in one way or another. I realise that when children do arrive I will be a lost distance grandma, but with social media will help me. Can make up on visits either way. It’s hard but please don’t torture yourself, remember it’s their choice. If I’m surprised that most daughters seem to be more involved and live near to maternal mothers?
I have another son who lives nearby but is very busy and a now steady girlfriend, expecting a baby. All her family are very close and have alot of involvement with each other. Very slowly I can see my son more involved with her family than mine. Sometimes that’s the way it goes. I am really hoping for some grandparent duties and nice times, but I don’t know how much of a look in I will get because of the others.
Try and make the most of what you do have or allowed to have, on the bright side, you haven’t got to travel from 🇬🇧 to 🇨🇦 to see them.

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Nannyto Sun 30-Jul-23 22:54:31

Blueshell2 - I came on here today to write a post about feeling completely miserable. My DS and DGS are abroad on holiday at present for 2 weeks with his in-laws (paid for by FIL). According to his FILs Facebook they are having a fabulous time!! It just breaks me - I know it shouldn’t and I wouldn’t admit it to anyone other than on here but there we are I’ve admitted it to gransnet!! I look after my DGS one day a week while DS and DIL work and I have a fabulous bond with DGS. So I do know I should be extremely grateful as I do get to spend a lot of time with him but it just hurts so much to see they are having such a great time and then I feel guilty as I am so happy they are enjoying themselves.

I am married so not on my own but I feel so envious of the relationship they all have as DS and DIL can’t wait to leave whenever they come to see me and my husband or our extended family.

So in a nutshell I know exactly where you are coming from in your post my lovely. It hurts.

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Serendipity22 Mon 31-Jul-23 08:04:36
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User post image https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202307/medium-264171-screenshot-20230724-125656-facebook.jpg User post image https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202307/medium-509296-screenshot-20230724-125706-facebook.jpg

Good morning everyone x
I think this is sooooo true to a lot of us, I saw it on FB and had to share it.

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JB72 Mon 10-Nov-25 22:41:58

Not sure you'll ever see this comment but I just joined so I could thank you for you're comment and wise words. They resonated deeply with me and I really needed to hear them whilst having similar feelings to the OP.

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JB72 Mon 10-Nov-25 22:50:12

Oooohhhh I hear ya! I can literally see my DIL clock watching for when it's time to leave. I'm told in advance of the start/stop time of every visit, no such restrictions for DIL family.

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Erica23 Tue 11-Nov-25 08:40:48

I can sympathise too. We lived very close to our son and DIL. We’d see them less than when they lived a three hour car ride away.
DIL used to visit us but sat on the edge of the sofa waiting to go always refused a drink, and was very quiet. Our son was always on edge, he did visit on his own but we knew he wasn’t happy.
For the sake of our DGS we never said anything, just tried to keep things friendly and enjoyed the time we had with him.
I’m pleased to say after 20 years they’re now divorced and he’s like a different person, enjoying life again with a new partner. We see lots of them all again now.

I wish I hadn’t wasted 20 years worrying about my family, the sleepless nights and all that fretting has taken its toll.
You cant help feeling as you do it’s only natural. I hope things have improved and you’re feeling better. flowers

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keepingquiet Tue 11-Nov-25 08:46:28

This thread is over two years old. Wonder if Op had any resolution?

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Erica23 Tue 11-Nov-25 08:51:41

Whoops ! I just looked at the date not the year.

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