Maternal grandparents feeling less valued/sidelined

I also used to live long distance from both my sons who both lived close to inlaws family I would also see all these family things happening. It’s natural to feel jealous we all do at one point or other. But unless you tell them how you feel they can’t read your mind. Until you except it’s never going to change unless you live closer your jealousy could eat away at you. I’ve just moved last week to be closer to my youngest and his family but i still have my oldest who is long distance with my other grandkid’s. My sons never have inlaws they were I visit unless it’s Christmas birthdays etc don’t you have other grandkids

Your not unreasonable,about 10 years ago my mil decided to stop sending any cards be it birthdays,Christmas or any other special events,they don’t visit anymore we live in England they live in north wales,she seems to expect us to go there.She doesn’t go out so she thinks it’s ok for us to do a 200 round trip to sit in her house,I had cancer and we still went.I think that’s unreasonable.

I understand completely how you feel. Two of my three daughters and 5 GCs live reasonably close but have busy lives and during the school holidays they go to the other two sets of GPs because both sets own places in the Alpes, country and by the med. sea, therefore I don’t see them very much. My third lives in the UK a few minutes walk away from her P-I-L .
However, we try to get together for weddings, christenings, first communion, profession de foi …. But like you the other GM does cut into my time when I have arranged to have an outing with my DDs by saying it should be a GMs and DDs day out, as if she doesn’t see them enough on their holidays.

I would feel exactly the same as the OP. I suppose we have to try to remember how busy their lives are as ours once were - work, school etc. We are not in their thoughts constantly as they are in ours. Personally I would love to spend every day with my AC and GC and on the days I don't hear from them I can feel quite low and don't mind admitting it. I have friends and hobbies but they don't interest me nearly as much as the time spent with family. Retirement has never suited me and I am easily bored. My family were, and are, my life. I don't know how some people can manage to feel so detached.

I’m the paternal side and have felt second best with both sons gc I just have to keep it to myself and plod on.

On a positive note, think how lucky we are being able to FT and get regular emails and photographs! My son and gc live about 2 pretty gruelling hours away and I am so grateful that we get so many updates. My Mother, who absolutely adored babies , would have loved this contact. Unfortunately she died at 60 when my son was pretty young. Look on the bright side - although I genuinely sympathise with your feelings.

I think it is only natural to feel hurt in this situation, I do feel for you Blueshell.

I also feel for you tremendously, and I think that some people, whether they are grand parents or not, are just more ‘grabby’ of everything, including time, and less thoughtful of other people and their feelings.

It’s not a competition, as someone said, and you are not treating it as one, I think that some of us are gentler, less pushy people who can sometimes be overlooked.

It’s a hard line, I find personally, between saying what I feel to my relatives and sounding needy. I may just be over thinking it all!

Hope it improves, you sound a lovely person.

🌷🌷🌷

I know this is a tough stage of life. I’m going through it now, the kids are empty nested and they are doing really well on their own. I have all sons and one is married with kids. My DIL has a twin sister and is very close with her family who all live nearby. I just keep inserting myself to see the kids as much as I can and try to be kind to myself realizing that this new stage is something to learn how to navigate.

I can sympathise as my son and his family live in another city, a 2 hr plane trip from me. I used to feel envious hearing about the family celebrations and holidays that they had with my DIL's family as I only get to see my GS a couple of times a year, less since Covid, and feel that I have missed out on so much of their childhood. However, I have now reached the point where I accept that it is what it is and am so happy that my son is part of such a very close knit and loving family.

I think you need to accept that your family are bound to have a different relationship with long distance parents, than parents who live close by.
Most of us live within a few miles, my daughter and her partner and children are in and out all the time. They all have keys, and it’s not unusual to get home and find someone here.
Whereas, with my other daughter, it’s always an event, when the children were little, they would be completely hyper. We would have meal’s out or arrange barbecues, it was just different.
I think she has always feels envious of her siblings, but it was her choice to stay in her university city and make a life. We were neither surprised or disappointed, but it does change things.

We live 2.5 hours drive away from my eldest daughter - I have a 6 year old grandson with another baby on the way. She lives in Yorkshire after going to Uni in Leeds and meeting her now partner whilst she was in Leeds (not at Uni but he lives in Huddersfield).

Her partner's family all live very close by and they see them probably every day. Yes, I am a bit sad that I only get to see them once a month/every six weeks (I try to make it more often but we are all really busy- I still have 2 children living at home - a 20 year old who is going into 3rd year at uni and a 17 year old - so life is busy for us and my eldest daughter is busy with grandson's activities and general socialising and she also obviously wants to see her dad (who I am divorced from), so there is lots to fit in.

Therefore, once a month/six weeks works out OK, sometimes it's more eg the other month when I was picking up my son from Uni (in Leeds!) we stayed at theirs and then were up there again the following week when my youngest daughter was at a concert in Manchester.

I take a more positive view that I am so happy that she is so accepted by her partner's family and that she has a fantastic support network around her - I can't be there so am very pleased that someone is. I help out very occasionally with childcare if holiday/teacher training days don't work out very well- they are both teachers so can't easily get time off if my grandson's school has different holiday dates.

We are planning to move closer to them in 5 years time when my husband will do the school run for the youngest grandchild (still inside the womb!) but eventually they may move somewhere else, possibly abroad, but we want to move away from where we are anyway, so moving closer to them as we get a bit older, even if it's only for a few years, suits us anyway.

Sorry, have been rambling on a bit but, to summarise, although having a different relationship with grandson (and new GC) from the paternal grandmother (she is on her own) can be a bit sad for me, I focus on the love and support that they get from the family that live so much closer and that makes me very happy.

My DIL is very close to her family and they socialise a lot. My husband left us a long time ago but our children seem to socialise more with him and his partner more than me. But I seem to be the one who does the childminding, house sitting, dog sitting, sometimes at short notice. It’s actually happening at the moment and I did have a bit of a melt down about it the other day

This i understand wholeheartedly and I am sorry this situation is as it is for you.

There is no solution to this situation, it is as it is BUT its very sad indeed if its going to consume your life, maybe the word consume is too strong but what I mean is don't let this situation spoil the very fact that they are here in the same country, only 3 hrs away, that in itself is to be cherished, its understandable that they will do more with their other GP considering they're closer but as I say try not to allow this to bubble over x.

Its very hard I know from my own situation but I cherish the time I have with my GD's who live in another country, I send them homemade sewing, parcels of excitement, letters , gifts and I look upon it as it is what it is and nothing can be done in me moving near them and yet a LOT can be done in ways of keeping our relationship alive, exciting, fulfilling.... a lot can be done.... and it turns the negative into a positive and that is what you need here.

💐

I don’t think we can help how we feel - we all react differently with different coping mechanisms so it’s unreasonable to expect you to suddenly ditch the understandable angst you feel . We have to learn to cope with stuff that our adult children throw at us . Often it’s the paternal grandparents that are out on a limb and on mumsnets it’s the wife’s mother in-law that is the subject of many posts ! Is she happy to have all this interaction with his family ?
I haven’t read everything but probably your communication with your daughter needs to be assessed and restructured .. meaning find the right way to tell her how you feel - don’t sugar coat it but don’t go into too much detail . Adult children are often thoughtless and selfish and busy getting on with their lives regardless so in a way you also have to do the same .

You’re certainly not alone. We have these kind of problems from time to time and I sympathise with you. I talk to other grandparents too who have similar problems.
I often feel like I’m just a childminder for my step DIL. She’ll send a message or occasionally phone asking how we all are, then there is always a but, could yo help me out in the holidays with childcare for her 9 year old daughter. They live in the same village as us, but DIL never comes round or asks me to go round for a coffee. Her own mother has recently moved into the village and I accept that they have a close relationship and do lots of things together, go out for coffee, lunches etc…..
I have started saying no to certain things such as last year, the weekend of my birthday she asked if we’d be able to collect GD from school one Friday (don’t usually have GD on a Friday) as she was going to a concert and needed to be there early. I said no as it was my birthday weekend and we were going out with my own son and family for a meal. She’d to find alternative childcare and although the concert was cancelled she still went shopping with her mum. I’m learning I’ve a life beyond them and tough if they so don’t like it when I say no.

Harris27, same here without a doubt.

Harris27

I’m the paternal side and have felt second best with both sons gc I just have to keep it to myself and plod on.

Same here without a doubt.

blueshell2 - your daughter has chosen to live further away from you but you don't say exactly why - was it because it is a much nicer place to live, or because she and your SIL wanted to be closer to his family/extended family? And if they did want to be closer to a family network is that because you have no other children to help form your daughter's own extended family? It's a good idea to really find out their motives. It's also a good idea to tell your daughter that you're feeling a bit marginalised but not to bring up the issue of her fil's birthday meal because then you're introducing blame and questions of who's valued more. You should kerb your jealousy otherwise she may not be honest with you. Your feelings of marginalisation are as much to do with your inability to get to them over the last month as theirs to get to you and honestly, if they're making a 3 hour trip once a month so you can help one day with childcare when they have a ready-made set of childminders virtually on their doorstep, they've made the decision that they do want to involve you in their child's life. You are lucky. Many sets of grandparents don't have that. I know you say that you can't move because it's a more expensive part of the country but if ill health is creeping in why not consider downsizing and maybe you could move and become more involved with the other grandparents. This is the key to fostering a large extended family that you will be part of, and by implication, less jealous of. And if you can't get exactly in the area move two thirds of the way towards them. Your gc is young and there may well be others meaning you have a good decade+ ahead of you when you will feel jealous and sidelined if you don't make a change. You live too far away for things to be 'equal' and you need to either reach a place of acceptance where your jealousy subsides or take steps to be closer but you should definitely talk to your daughter. She may have a solution.

My advice would be to keep quiet. If my mother brought up a subject like this, I would be very annoyed.

I sympathise entirely, because I have more or less the same situation with my daughter. She has a 2-year old and lives in London, while I am on Merseyside, so I have to travel to visit them. SIL's large family are all in the Home Counties, so they see his parents very regularly, and are always having family gatherings. They also go away on holiday with the in-laws (all paid for). SIL's parents are very well off, and actually contributed a lot towards the deposit for my daughter's London house, which makes me think that they feel they have sort of 'bought' the right to spend more time with the grandchild. My home is tiny (downsized when widowed) and they have never actually been to stay with me here as a family (daughter has visited alone). I do go through phases of feeling hurt and left out, but I wouldn't dream of saying anything. I'm hoping I will get to spend more time with my grandchild when he's old enough to come to stay with me on his own. (I do go down to London every few months to stay for a couple of days, but it always seems to tie in with times when the nursery is shut and they need a childminder!) On the plus side, I'm glad my GS has a wide and loving family, and that he gets to spend quality time with his grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc, as I did myself when I was a child.

Thank you all for your tips, advice, comments and sympathy. This is the first time on this forum for me and I have been overwhelmed with the responses. I won't answer all individually but I will say I do have another AC who has no children yet but also due to job requirements lives about 2 hours away, that's fine ,it's a daytrip. I don't have other GC's as yet.
I do have lots of friends, hobbies and interests so I don't lead a lonely life by any means.
I just miss the closeness I had with DD and would love a chance to have that back sometimes.
However, I do keep these feelings to myself and intend to do so always as I never want to make her feel guilty or responsible for my happiness.
However, it has been comforting to hear from many of you. Thank you for your kind understanding.

I don't understand why so many of you seem to expect your adult children to live somewhere reasonably close. When we were young most young people left home to go to uni or college or else to leave home and work in a city.

The chances are that your child will meet someone who has moved from a different part of the country. Once they decide to have children they may chose to move again, perhaps further out, or for schooling but they need access to employment.

Human beings are, deep down, selfish creatures and have to think of their own needs and those of their spouse and children first.

When we first lived in Suffolk a lady bought a house in our village. She moved from Kent because her daughter had. A few years later daughter and family moved back to Kent. The lady sold up a few months later and also moved back to Kent.

I think that some of you are forgetting how important good friends are. one of my friends in Suffolk was taken ill and needed hospital treatment. Three of her adult children lived in the county but were all at work in different places and it was a neighbour who took to the hospital and who waited with her. This lady had several GCs living in Suffolk and they loved visiting her when they were they were young. Once they became teenagers and were able to hang out with their friends in the nearby town the visits reduced drastically. When she asked one of them when he was next going to visit his response was to ask would she cook a roast joint. By this time she was a widow on a low income and couldn't afford it.

Finally I would ask how often you visited your GPs and whether they were miserable if your visits were rare.

blueshell2

Thank you all for your tips, advice, comments and sympathy. This is the first time on this forum for me and I have been overwhelmed with the responses. I won't answer all individually but I will say I do have another AC who has no children yet but also due to job requirements lives about 2 hours away, that's fine ,it's a daytrip. I don't have other GC's as yet.
I do have lots of friends, hobbies and interests so I don't lead a lonely life by any means.
I just miss the closeness I had with DD and would love a chance to have that back sometimes.
However, I do keep these feelings to myself and intend to do so always as I never want to make her feel guilty or responsible for my happiness.
However, it has been comforting to hear from many of you. Thank you for your kind understanding.

I’ve always been quite a solitary person and never really had girl friends but my daughter was like my best friend until she left for uni and never moved back home. I think I’ll always struggle with the gap that left. We never stopped talking and used to go to concerts etc together. We still have the same taste in music but she’s currently at a music festival with her friends and her father and I’m house/dog/child sitting. I wish I could have those years back. Because we were such good friends I thought it would continue but life isn’t like that.

Skydancer says it all in my opinion. I love my children unconditionally. But I too live over an hour each way. I must do the daftest school run in England but I do because I want to stay within lots of contact. I recently asked to combine my 2 days so I could stay overnight to stop the interminable driving. I was told (by SIL) that the other Gran would probably agree to it but it wouldn’t be good for her to swop (though she lives 5 minutes away). I am not in brilliant health but DD does whatever SIL says as he’s attached to his family. I haven’t spent Xmas day with DD since 2005 (they go to SIL parents) but we do ‘get’ Boxing Day. I keep going as don’t want to lose my DD but it’s hard. She was always easily led in younger years and seems to have this thing about being accepted. It must be in her DNA. I keep going though as upset does no useful purpose and the enjoyment I get from GC is the reward.