Husband doesn't want me to look after grandchild once a week

Curlywhirly

Lathyrus

Well I’m still waiting for someone to tell me one thing he’s actually done other than express his opinion about the quite major changes that the OP wants to make to both their lives.

But apparently he’s not allowed to do that. If he doesn’t agree to happily do what she has decided he is controlling, abusive, bullying, petty and jealous.

He said that if the OP spends more than a few hours a week with her grandchild her life would revolve around her. Which to my mind is completely over the top and smacks of jealousy. How sad to feel like that.

Yes, it is a very odd thing to say.

One day a week does not mean the OP's life revolves her grandchild.
At the moment, however, her life seems to revolve around her husband.

Compromise. Absolutely.

Doesn’t that involve him being able to say what he thinks and then some discussion?

It’s not just one day a week though is it? Her proposal also messes up the weekend.

Me. I think she should have the day with her grandchild. I would.

But I wouldn’t threaten to end the marriage just because he disagreed with me.

Nor do I think that disagreeing with someone makes you controlling, abusive etc

Talk about over-reactions.😱

It’s not just one day a week though is it? Her proposal also messes up the weekend
I think that was another poster's suggestion.

But I wouldn’t threaten to end the marriage just because he disagreed with me.

I didn't read it like that. I read it that she had to choose whether to spend a day a week looking after the grandchild or to continue 5 days a week in the business as her husband wants her to do.

I want to look after my grandchild once a week but he says this will affect our work and is not happy for me to do it despite me saying i will work an extra day at the weekend. was what the OP said. Unless he really is a controlling man, he must have his reasons for saying this but without detail, how could we know.

If I spend more than a few hours a week with my grandchild he says my life revolves around her

Yes, on the face of it, it sounds like jealousy. However, we don't know how often the OP is spending working time doing things related to her grandchild, like texting, looking at pictures, video's, etc so to her husband it might seem excessive when you put it altogether. My sister's couple of hours works on NHS time and is invariably far more so there may be a mismatch of stories. On the other hand, if it really is a couple of hours a week, that sounds quite reasonable to me.

Hi
You don’t receive a salary ???Thats Your answer …He thinks he’s your boss and not Your Partner🙁

Daisydaisydaisy

Hi
You don’t receive a salary ???Thats Your answer …He thinks he’s your boss and not Your Partner🙁

Maybe he doesn't receive one either but live on the profits after the properties are finished.

Would you get more pleasure from spending a day with your grandchild or working? .... that's your answer.

Hubby is being selfish if this is something you actually WANT to do.

It sounds like he doesn't have the same connection with this grandchild as you have but it doesn't give him the right to deny you a chance to build memories with this child.

I think in this case you need to 'shine your spine' and get him told.

Tell him to get a grip. Your daughter and your grandchild come first. Every time.

Would you get more pleasure from spending a day with your grandchild or working? .... that's your answer.

Privileged thinking there. Not everybody has the luxury to just do as they want.

icanhandthemback

^Would you get more pleasure from spending a day with your grandchild or working? .... that's your answer.^

Privileged thinking there. Not everybody has the luxury to just do as they want.

Indeed privileged thinking.

I'd say most people work to provide housing and food, working may not be a luxury for this couple. Age doesn't stop people from eating.

Indeed privileged thinking

I think buying, renovating and selling properties doesn't actually shout "Poverty"!

Very privileged. I doubt the OP’s pension keeps them - they rely on the business. And the
anticipated income from the current project(s) and the timing of its realisation were predicated on both of them working full time.

It’s the way they keep a roof over their heads and put food on the table Callistemon. Nobody’s suggesting that they’re on the breadline but delay in completing and selling a property can make the difference between profit and loss.

It’s the way they keep a roof over their heads and put food on the table Callistemon

How do you know?

Has the OP stated that?

Realise I'm a little late, but this reminded me of my own situation. What I thought was my jealous, suffocating husband owning me, turned out to be early onset dementia, he was terrified to be on his own. I would recommend you tell him how much caring for GC means to you and how it doesn't diminish your feelings for him so he should not feel insecure. If he says he knows that, then ask him why, ask him to explain why you can't, then sit back and wait for the answer. That said, regardless of his reason you need to do what makes you happy too. I cared for my grand-daughter one day a week, she is now 16 and we could not be any closer. Be patient, be kind but be assertive you'll work it out I'm sure - please let us all know xx

It was his business, now she works with him after taking early retirement. Unless they‘ve won the lottery of course, but she didn’t mention that …

Taking a day a week to spend time with a new grandchild hardly requires a lottery win.

Callistemon21

^It’s the way they keep a roof over their heads and put food on the table Callistemon^

How do you know?

Has the OP stated that?

Most people work to put food on the table and a food over their head. Why would you assume otherwise? Nobody was proclaimed independently wealthy in this post (as I recall).

Oh dear, now I know why people desert Gransnet in droves.

This relationship is doomed.

The OPs already moved on from her marriage to a new emotional relationship.
He knows it.

Callistemon21

Oh dear, now I know why people desert Gransnet in droves.

Me too.😬

Lathyrus

They had a life together that suited them both. Working together during the week and presumably leisure time at the weekends, as there’s a day available then for working.

Now the OP wants a different life. To spend a day a week doing something else and to spend the weekend working.

That’s a fairly major change in a relationship instigated by just one of the couple.

I can’t help thinking that if it was a poster saying “my husband wants to spend a day a week with his mates and says he won’t be available to do things together at the weekend because he’ll have to catch up with work” the responses might be rather different 🤔

But she doesn't want to spend the day with "mates", she wants to spend it helping family. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'm sure she'd be OK with that. Wanting to spend time with a young GC is NOT the same as wanting to spend time with "mates"! That's a ridiculous comparison.

Lathyrus

This relationship is doomed.

The OPs already moved on from her marriage to a new emotional relationship.
He knows it.

She's moved on from her husband to "a new emotional relationship"? Are you being serious!? So one can't love one's GC because one has a partner? Is that what you're saying? So how does that work with one's own children and partner? You do understand that as humans we have the capacity to love different people in different ways? Loving one's GC does not preclude loving one's partner.

Are people still arguing over this one?

What's wrong with compromise?

Give husband a months notice to drop one day a week... OP isn't going to be working without a salary until the day she drops dead is she?

Aren't people meant to be able to drop working hours or even retire one day?

Shall we just chain her to her desk and explain how she has absolutely no power over decisions about her own life? Well at least it's a desk now with a chair and no longer the kitchen sink

0ddOne

Lathyrus

This relationship is doomed.

The OPs already moved on from her marriage to a new emotional relationship.
He knows it.

She's moved on from her husband to "a new emotional relationship"? Are you being serious!? So one can't love one's GC because one has a partner? Is that what you're saying? So how does that work with one's own children and partner? You do understand that as humans we have the capacity to love different people in different ways? Loving one's GC does not preclude loving one's partner.

Exactly. That is a ridiculous assumption. Love expands as your family expands. You don't stop loving your partner when you have children, so why should that be different when grandchildren arrive?