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Grandparenting

Is it right/ok?

(70 Posts)
Thistlelass Tue 22-Aug-23 00:31:17

For my 6 year old grandson to refer to oral sex? Just that really. I am seeing this as a step beyond generally talking about body parts and poop jokes etc. Maybe I am wrong. All I did was notify the parents what he had said and say that it troubled me he knew about this. I never experienced any such issues with his Dad and my other 3 sons. It is worrying me very much.

Hithere Tue 22-Aug-23 12:10:57

The adult film comment is worrisome
Asking his sister for oral sex too

However, if his parents are not worried, not sure how much more you can do but keeping your eyes and ears open

grandtanteJE65 Tue 22-Aug-23 14:02:59

You have told his parents what the child said.

So it is now up to them to try to find out, if he had just heard oral sex, has seen a porn magazine or video or if someone has actually attempted or done what the child said.

I know this is very difficult - children do sometimes put words together and arrive at a sentence that shocks the grown-up who hears it WITHOUT the child having any idea of what the sentence they had overheard somewhere means.

On the other hand we all know sexual abuse of children occurs, so you certainly did the right thing talking to his parents and I do understand your anxiety.

On the harmless spectrum is the young couple I knew when we were all in our twenties, who had twin sons aged 3 and were contacted one day by a very concerned nursery school teacher. She had noticed the two boys sitting on each their own potty, panting with their tongues out, and, as she decently expressed it in obvious embarrassment "playing with themselves",

The children's parents truthfully explained the matter thus: in the boys' bedroom there was a picture of a puppy with his tongue out on the wall at the children's eye-level when they had been placed on their potties and told to stay there until they had" done something". The children were accustomed to panting like " the puppy on the wall" while waiting for their parents to verified that the potties had been used.

I trust there is as innocent an explanation in this case too, but you do need to leave it to the parents to deal with, though you are justified in asking whether they have found out where in the world these distressing sentences had come from.I hope the child was playing with words and landed on an unfortunate combination, but if anyone has been licking him anywhere at all, even if only the dog, a stop must be put to it.

Newatthis Tue 22-Aug-23 14:09:31

Very, very concerning. Where has he learned this. Why are the parents so ofay about it? Can you ask him further? Is he being abused?

Shelflife Tue 22-Aug-23 14:23:20

Something does not seem right here, I feel very uncomfortable about this story. So firs Thistlelass or she / he would not have posted her message.

Shelflife Tue 22-Aug-23 14:23:50

does !

Smileless2012 Tue 22-Aug-23 14:28:06

I also find the mention of an adult film disturbing Thistlelass, no wonder you're concerned. I hope you can get more information that will put your mind at rest.

Thistlelass Tue 22-Aug-23 14:28:08

I am very worried about him.

March Tue 22-Aug-23 15:41:53

Very concerning and upsetting for strangers on the Internet so goodness knows how you're feeling.

Those things are not normal for a 6 year old.

dogsmother Tue 22-Aug-23 15:52:52

This has me feeling the poor child is disturbed albeit he doesn’t know, and help is already needed.
If this was my family I would be very concerned.

ImogenMac Tue 22-Aug-23 16:20:34

This is a serious child protection issue, regardless of the precise context and the
parents’ apparant dismissal of the conversation.
Both children are at risk here and the appropriate authorities should be informed. It might be helpful to go though their school as teachers may have heard an odd word of concern but like you , not wanted to take things further.
You are clearly a loving and concerned grandma, who quite correctly took it to the parents first.
Please be brave and take the next step for both the children’s sake.

Thistlelass Tue 22-Aug-23 17:42:19

ImogenMac

This is a serious child protection issue, regardless of the precise context and the
parents’ apparant dismissal of the conversation.
Both children are at risk here and the appropriate authorities should be informed. It might be helpful to go though their school as teachers may have heard an odd word of concern but like you , not wanted to take things further.
You are clearly a loving and concerned grandma, who quite correctly took it to the parents first.
Please be brave and take the next step for both the children’s sake.

Can I ask if you have a background in social work? I am a retired SW (did a couple years childcare but been retired a good while). So easy to say take it forward but this could blow my relationship with my son apart. Of courss I am concerned for my grandkids. DIL is a SW of 2 years standing. Adult care.

PaperMonster Tue 22-Aug-23 17:53:55

Echoing what ImogenMac says. I work with primary aged children and I’d definitely be reporting this to safeguarding. This is not age appropriate.

Callistemon21 Tue 22-Aug-23 18:33:27

Calipso

Not really enough information to give an objective view is there? Any of us with cats and dogs will be all too familiar with the licking of 'body parts' I would think your average 6 year old would be perfectly capable of wondering about that. Without knowing more context - which you have said you don't want to give- I can't comment further.

And welcome to Gransnet, I think this is your first post?

Generally speaking, humans can't reach their own genitals in order to clean them with their tongue.

Callistemon21 Tue 22-Aug-23 18:38:25

And welcome to Gransnet, I think this is your first post?

Thistlelass has posted before, Calipso

I'd be concerned but you have told the parents, they are the ones to take it forward if needs be.

If your DGS mentions it again perhaps you could ask him some casual, friendly questions to elicit more.
It may be something another child said in the playground or could be something which needs investigation.

MrsKen33 Tue 22-Aug-23 18:38:43

As an ex primary school teacher responsible for CP , I would be concerned about that.

Callistemon21 Tue 22-Aug-23 18:41:28

Thistlelass

He was daring his elder sister to lick his 'pee pee'. He then went on to dare her to lick their dog's rear end and finally dared her to watch an adult movie as he called it. I should have asked him where he learned about these things but was very overwhelmed. The parents seem to think I am judging them. I am no longer child minding for them as it is bad for my health. I remain very concerned.

I missed that, sorry.

Are they left with a childminder at all?

MaggsMcG Tue 22-Aug-23 18:53:26

It sounds to me that he wanted his sister to do something yucky rather than sexual. As for the Adult Film - depending on his actual words he probably just meant a film adults watched rather than children. A lot of children watch Adult Films that would have been classed as A or X in our day. Usually with an adult present though.

Thistlelass Tue 22-Aug-23 19:19:59

The NSPCC would want to refer this to social services.

Hetty58 Tue 22-Aug-23 19:53:32

I'm a bit concerned about the 'adult film' comment but now that a dog's been mentioned - well, dogs do lick their 'parts' often, so I see no difference from the popular 'Kiss my A***' phrase - just meant to be insulting and gross. It would only be adults that attach any sexual meaning to it.

Abused children would be more likely to be very quiet and subdued, having been warned not to mention it.

My poor friend never said a word, until both her parents were dead. She grew up believing it happened in all families - but was never spoken about. 'If you tell, you'll be put in the naughty children's home!' she was told.

MrsKen33 Tue 22-Aug-23 20:10:30

Better to be wrong than do nothing in these circumstances. You sound worried and concerned Thistlelass, Perhaps you could contact SS with a ‘what if’. They would advise you.

M0nica Tue 22-Aug-23 21:14:13

Just thought, but are his parents careless at home with adult films and their own language and behaviour.

I am sure a lot of us remember children walking in on us at a critical moment when we thought the children were tucked up and asleep.

Hetty58 Tue 22-Aug-23 21:18:10

M0nica - oh yes, indeed. We said that Mum and Dad are just playing piggy back in bed!

GrannyRose15 Tue 22-Aug-23 23:01:20

Thistlelass

So you honestly think 6 year old boys these days know about specific sexual acts? I don't think they should have such awareness. What if he says this to a child at school or if that is where something happened.

I don’t think he was referring to a sexual act. I think he might have been trying to say the most disgusting thing he could think of. Little boys that age are obsessed with bottoms, farts, poo etc. Of course I may be wrong but if the parents aren’t worried then I think there may be a more innocent explanation than the one you fear.

Callistemon21 Tue 22-Aug-23 23:11:06

GrannyRose15

Thistlelass

So you honestly think 6 year old boys these days know about specific sexual acts? I don't think they should have such awareness. What if he says this to a child at school or if that is where something happened.

I don’t think he was referring to a sexual act. I think he might have been trying to say the most disgusting thing he could think of. Little boys that age are obsessed with bottoms, farts, poo etc. Of course I may be wrong but if the parents aren’t worried then I think there may be a more innocent explanation than the one you fear.

I do remember DD telling me about what some of the boys at her school had said when they were all about six. They picked up on what they thought was disgusting and rude very quickly and delighted in repeating these things to the girls in the class.

I knew the parents of most of them and, as far as I was aware, they were all decent families.

However, I would certainly keep my ears open for any more alarm bells ringing.

Shelflife Tue 22-Aug-23 23:35:48

Mentioning this to school is a sound idea , I feel sure they would follow it up by contacting SS , then it wasn't you! Clearly you are very upset - who wouldn't be!? Your GC are the priority here , all may be well but better safe than sorry. If my GC came out with such comments I would be like you - very very worry indeed. I don't envy you and fully understand your reluctance to take this matter further.