Need Wisdom Regarding Time with Grandbaby

Extreme is not the word I'd use to describe their behaviour - more like psychotic.

What is wrong with them?

No wonder you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. It really sounds as though they have a bit of a mental health problem. If they don't learn to relax, then heaven help that poor child when she grows older, or the parents when it all backfires.

I really feel for you and find these harsh “their baby, their rules” responses to be unkind. This is your family, you are not some stranger, you share DNA. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful relationship with my GC, they are my daughter’s children so maybe that’s why. Their maternal GPSs don’t bother with them much, but spend a lot of time with “their” grandchildren (their daughter’s children). I think the world has gone mad, can’t even help with changing a nappy! How ridiculous. I’m so sorry you are being subjected to this utter nonsense (except kissing, there are good reasons for that).

The whole situation is ridiculous; the new parents and their rules, and your over-reaction to them.
Their child their rules, however daft; you do see your grandchild but on their terms, which you have to abide by; complaining and weeping is more likely to provoke irritation, possibly hostility. So just smilingly agree and relish the opportunities you do have, and lower your expectations of grandchild involvement.

My opinion , based on nothing but my own observation, is that these rules and restrictions surrounding a newborn child have developed since the focus on paternal involvement, interpreted by the father as taking charge to protect his wife from harmful influences from people who have actually experienced child-rearing, and only want to help. Nothing personal, I am sadly not a grandparent; most of my contemporaries escaped these stupid prohibitions, but they do seem to be on the rise in young parents now.

Their baby and their rules and they are common sense tbh.

You may be right Eazybee certainly fashions in child rearing change with the wind

I have 4 DC and 7 DGC. All my DC are parents. It is probably true that DDs are closer than the others but they are the youngest. I have a very good relationship with the boy's DC now that they are older though I didn't do much nappy changing with them. thankfully
My oldest DGC is even thinking of living with me while she's at uni to save money on rent!
I get to go to school concerts too.

I think so. There’s a lot of ‘I want’ in OP’s posts and she sees the baby very frequently, unlike so many of us. Why anyone would want (as opposed to need) to change nappies I don’t know. She comes over as very possessive and needy and this won’t help the relationship with the parents or the grandchild. It’s the parents’ time with their first baby, a strange new world for them, and she should respect that and remember this is not her baby. It’s theirs.

Sorry that was a reply to karmalady.

GiGi

This is good:
that after initially expressing disappointment, I have been only positive and encouraging to them

I know this is extreme to some people but it isn't as new as some people think. I think in time things will settle and a healthy compromise will pertain. You may never change a nappy but you will probably get to push a pram...

I had my 1st over 40 years ago and never (willingly) passed my baby to others to hold, didn't even want a pushchair/pram as I carried my babies in a sling, would never have left any of them at 4 months and nobody but my husband and I changed nappies/diapers. I didn't want anyone to kiss my babies (even on the top of their heads) though put up with my parents doing so once they were a couple of months old as I know how hurt they would have been no to. Also, nobody else fed them as I was breastfeeding.

In those days we were more easily pressured into being what others wanted us to be. I had a very strong and protective husband who agreed with me about how we were around our babies relationships with others. I think you should be proud that your son has stepped up to being a strong dad and advocate for his wife and child.

Continue to be respectful and all things will be fine in due course.

My parents were deeply loved by our five children. They all jumped for joy when we saw them! And so did my mother and father actually - the feelings were mutual.
You will be a great great "GiGi" to your little grandchild - just continue to love and respect your son and his wife. Keep a positive and healthy relationship with them and nothing will go wrong.

I am sorry the you have felt so let down and upset by all this. I have 7 grandchildren so hope that I can offer a bit of a hand.
Firstly I do think that telling your son you did not like the rules they had set for the first week was probably a mistake to be honest, and I suspect that some of the further problems might have flowed from this. Basically you were saying that you did not agree with their rules and mustering arguments to justify this.
The rules they set are not uncommon now. Young parents are very protective of their babies, especially after covid. If you had felt able to tell them you understood and would totally respect their wishes I do think things might have gone better. They now have the idea in their heads that you will not respect their wishes, especially as you went round after 6 days, so they are playing hardball .. racking up the restrictions as they do not trust you to stick by their rules.
It might help to talk to them ... to apologise for arguing about the rules for the first week and absolutely reassuring them that you respect their rules for their child. You do not have to agree with their rules but you do have to not say so!!!
You are playing the long game here which might involve biting the tongue .... a talent we grandparents develop quite quickly!
Patching this up will not happen quickly ... state your apology and future respect for their rules and hope that this will reassure them.
Good luck!

When my granddaughter was born my daughter and SIL had previously come up with lots of rules the grandparents had to abide by. They wanted to live in a bubble just the three of them to enjoy the baby, we could visit the first week to look not touch then they wanted to be left alone.
They very much got what they wanted as GD born at start of pandemic in 2020, it was terrible for them. My daughter was alone during most of her labour in hospital hardly seen by midwife then had to have an emergency caesarean the Doctor dropped his visor in her cut so she had to have strong antibiotics to avoid sepsis.
At home they saw no one for months not even a health visitor, we saw our GD at 3 weeks through a window (the day of one of Boris parties). In the end I had to go into her bubble to help her cope but her poor Mother in Law didn’t really get to see GD for months.
She admits the toll on her mental health was terrible and struggled to enjoy her baby, the second baby is due soon and she couldn’t be more different. She doesn’t want to be left alone and wants more help. Her sister in law is getting married a few weeks after the birth and she is Maid of Honour- guess who is looking after the new baby!!

Go with the flow GiGi. Nothing you can say to change things at the moment.

Well I think it’s bonkers and something that is on the rise, unfortunately. I know that ‘bonding’ is used as an excuse for the early days, but I don’t think bonding requires 24/7 exclusivity. Adjustment to parenthood, maybe, and if parents are tired and mum is healing, fair enough but why not just say so instead of constructing rules and barriers. Allowing a grandparent to look at the top of a baby’s head up on a balcony is just cruel.

We have no choice other than to keep our mouths firmly zipped and hope our children see sense and realise that families are good for children as they get older, and might also give them, as parents, a bit of help now and again. Of course there are exceptions, and family members who should be kept away from children at all costs, but this is not the norm.

As others have indicated, grandparent and grandchild relationships are special, and will develop in their own way irrespective of how much contact takes place in these very early days. It is important to keep the peace now and look forward to all the times to come.

GiGi’s later comments show she has taken all this on board. Please re-read.
This set of rules seems to be the new way. The rules are all the same. I bet they are more relaxed when second and third babies arrive! Personally I hadn’t a clue when my first was born and accepted all help on offer. The grandparents lived at a distance and were not pushy.

I get that it is an emotional time for the new parents. Of course grandparents want to see the new baby but some GPS seem to want to be overinvested in them.
It will sort itself out.

I think there is a bit of pressure on grandparents too these days to be very involved with grandchildren, dare I say, on sites like this? It’s easy to be made, however unintentionally, to feel inadequate if you’re not a massive influence in the child’s life. Like others, I fail to see the big deal about changing nappies and giving bottles. It’s also best to remember that it will be a long time before the baby ‘interacts’, and that’s when your input will amuse her. At present it’s all about what you want ( sorry if that sounds harsh).
I’d say just bide your time, keep baby’s parents onside,and enjoy your own life, you’ll have plenty time with your grandchild when she’s a wee bit older, as long as you’ve followed the rules!

It seems to me that it is one of those situations where you have really looked forward to it with expectations of how things will be and then something negative has happened to spoil it and the disappointment is far more profound because of your excitement. It is a bit like someone suddenly dousing you in ice cold water and the shock leaves you gasping.
However, you are far from being alone and this seems to be something that is now more normal for parents of this era. We brought up our children to be assertive and gave them a voice but when they use it, we are shocked and hurt. Don't be, you've obviously done a good job.
Your best path is to accept their rules gracefully, carry on praising their parenting and don't offer advice. Revel in the time you do have with your grandaughter. If you do this, the chances are that in time, things will change so that your expectations are more likely to be met.
There's no reason for you not to have a close, loving relationship to your son if you give him the space to allow that. I am particularly close to one of my sons but he has been quite open in that my position in his life takes a step back as he gets people in his life who he has a responsibility and allegiance to. When he married, I became the second most important person in his life, and the third on the birth of his son. Instead of being sad, I was proud that I had brought up a son who had his priorities right. I think you should be proud of your son too. It's hard to cry when you're admiring your work!

All you can do is hope that their rules soften with time GiGi as there's nothing else you can do.

I'm so pleased that we didn't treat our boys GP's this way and take the joy out of them being GP's .

All the activities you mention - read to her, stroller, hold her.... are for your benefit, not for the baby's

The parents are going to do what's best for their child, fulfill his/her needs, not anybody's wants.

I am afraid you also confused having a good relationship with the parents before baby with having the grandmother time, cuddles, activities you thought you were going to have by default

The fact that they gave you a list of rules may indicate they expected wrinkles in the future

Asking you to wait just 7 days to meet the baby in person (some parents ask for 2 to 3 weeks) and you complained speaks volumes.

Once again, she is only 4 months old! You are risking missing valuable time with her in the future if the parents feel you do not respect them

My mother in law once told me that when you have your first baby you feel that you are the first person to ever have a baby! I do think that’s only too true. Given time everyone relaxes a bit. My advice is to give them time, one day they will be so grateful for your help.

It can be such a disappointment when we imagine in advance how things are going to be - and then they aren't.
OP you clearly had your own idea of what grandmotherhood would entail but from my perspective it was quite unrealistic.
The new parents will do things their way and if they seem inflexible to you, perhaps they had an inkling (or forewarning) of your expectations.
Step back, chill, however well-intentioned it may be you are coming across as very demanding in what you expect from being a gran.
You say you "cried and cried" - this is completely disproportiate, so for your own sake take a back seat for now, wait or them to approach you , be prepared to offer help but on their terms
Finally, a good relationship with our grandchildren does not depend on weekly visits or sleepovers or changing nappies but on how you love them and show your love. And in this case, at this time, that is by putting yourself second and third.

I have to say that I have never read such nonsense as this OP. Babies sleep most of the time, feed and pooh or wee and that's about it isn't it?

I should mention that I am child free so it's not a problem that I have, although I do have nieces and nephews plus their children. the time to worry I would have thought is when the child is a toddler if you aren't allowed much contact.

I feel a lot of this is showing severe distrust of parents (the grandparents). What on earth did our generation do to create these adults who impose rules on their own parents. I’m happy that early bonding and a period of quiet is fair and right, and I agree the kissing thing is a no no, but all the rest is just awful and controlling. If I imposed the same rules in relation to all the free childcare I give, then life would be so hard for my grown children and their small people. Setting rules around what I would do for them and when would be considered mean. A grandparent’s love is freely given.

I don't think 'our' generation did do anything much to create this distrust; what did we do when we needed advice? We asked parents, other mothers, the doctor and the nurse, plus Dr. Spock and Penelope Leach, both discredited now.

Now confused new parents turn to the internet where they fall prey to a growing number of people who set themselves up as experts with rather dubious credentials and a desire for financial gain.

I think if I’d had a MIL who lived so close and wanted to be quite so hands on with my first baby I would have set up a few ground rules.

You have my sympathy OP. I know how hard it is. I am fortunate that I have a daughter and am very close to her two boys but I hardly ever see my son’s child and am never allowed to have him on his own even though he is now nearly three. I too cried at the beginning and felt very hurt but there is little you can do I am afraid. Wisdom doesn’t seem to be valued these days. I’m really sorry my youngest grandchild will never have the relationship with his grandparents that his cousins have. It is a two edged sword though and my DIL will never know what it is to have babysitters on tap who will drop everything at a moments notice when children are sick or schools close etc. In my view everyone loses out.

GrannyRose you say

I’m really sorry my youngest grandchild will never have the relationship with his grandparents that his cousins have.

No two children (even twins) have the same relationship with their grandparents. Each relationship is unique and precious.

I have 7 grandchildren. They are all lovely, warm and valued - but all very different! We are always pleased to see each other (even the 16year old boy - briefly ) but each child has their own way with me.

My 5 children have very different relationships with their grandmother.