Grandchildren’s messy house!

I have a good relationship with my daughter and son-in-law. They are busy with work and two young boys. I often ask if there is anything I can do to help and they are grateful. When they visit me they help with cooking, washing up etc. I think it all depends on the relationship you have.

Hithere

It is not the gd's messy house, it is also the parents'

Why do some grandparents chose to ignore the fact the kids have parents?

Um ...the granddaughter is an adult living with her partner. What have her parents got to do with it?

It's just a mistake

No big deal

Dd and SiL’s house is often very messy (dd often calls it ‘carnage’) but they both work full time, and the 3 children are healthy and happy, and it’s very evident that lots of friends - both adult and children - are frequent visitors who enjoy being there.

Over Christmas dd sent me a pic of an adult female neighbour flaked out asleep on one of their sofas! Personally I’d call it a compliment if anyone feels comfortable enough to do that in your home.

halfpint1

I chose the word wokeness because everyone seems afraid of giving an opinion which might offend. I once remarked to my daughter that her living space smelt of drying clothes which could lead to damp, which would be bad for the kids. They sorted it out.
Grandparents in the past were known for practical observations for good or bad and most families were able to take it.

Perhaps avoiding offending family is a good thing if you value your relationships more than the need to give your opinion (which does not seem to have been sought by the young couple in the post). I brought up four children and worked full time so things were chaotic at times and if visitors didn’t like it they didn’t have to come again! Now all my family live in reasonably tidy homes as do my husband and I so no harm done.
Interesting how often “wokeness” is invoked as a reason to be rude or impose unwanted advice or opinion.

of course you shouldn't need to help with their housework.
she's got a husband, he lives there, why isn't he doing it ??

that was re icanhandthemback's comment.
got detached in this fast-moving thread !

A mess is OK by me they have to live it, if it was dirty, rotting food, kids unwashed I would be concerned,

welbeck

of course you shouldn't need to help with their housework.
she's got a husband, he lives there, why isn't he doing it ??

Her husband works very long hours. When he was home caring for my daughter, he did the housework. However, as a family they had a choice. They could live in abject poverty on benefits with a clean and tidy house or he could bring in a reasonable wage but the housework would not be done. He is hoping that one day they will be able to afford a cleaner!

I wrote further up the thread of the loving and clean chaos that operates in DS's home. As said the children are loved and cherished and the parents, after over 20 years of marrieage are as close as ever.

For the last week they have been staying with us, and all I would say to the Op, is just wait. All it takes is time. My eldest GD is 16. She can cook, she can sew, and she is highly organised and dreams of having a home of her own that would be beautifully tidy.

As it is she is quietly taking over. Not in any worried or concerned way. One day her parents will wake to find her organising them and their lives and keeping them all neat and tidy. It is a joy to watch!

Baggs - there was a "messy mind" comment on another thread recently - also linked to the idea of a messy home. I don't think it was linked to a messy life in that instance...

I can't remember which thread it was but I did find it ludicrous.

I've tried to find it but only found this thread:

www.gransnet.com/forums/house_and_home/1305169-Messy-House-Messy-Life-Thread

VioletSky

It's just a mistake

No big deal

I think this refers to Hitheres last comment and subsequent comments on that?

Not a big deal per-se, but generally helpful to point out a mistake in case it takes the thread off on a tangent which isnt helpful to the OP.
Nothing personal and a genuine question re what the parents have to do with it in case I had made a mistake and missed something, especially as Hithere is a generally an astute poster who goes to the nub of many issues pretty clearly .

It seems to me that the OP’s invitation to coffee was not pre-planned, but even if it was the state of the house is none of her business. I never cease to be amazed that anyone would air the perceived failings of family members on social media. I pity those who are criticised in this way behind their backs.

I think of housework as a complete waste of my abilities. You clean something and it needs cleaning again in a few weeks. Thats why I have a cleaner.

People take my home as they find it and if they dont like it they need not come again.

A few years ago when I was renting I had some little office clerk from the agency come to do an "inspection". These are supposed to be to assess the need to any repairs or damage to the fabric of the building or overt signs that the lease is being broken. Such as evidence of sub letting/running a business/keeping disallowed pets, etc. She made some snippy comment about my kitchen being cluttered. I gave her a tongue lashing she will never forget and more or less threw her out. I also reported her to the manager of the agency as being "in need of further training".

No one ever did any more "inspections" after that.

My DS is married to a hoarder. This isn’t just mess. Nothing is allowed to be thrown away. It’s a real, psychological problem. So difficult for him. Anyone else had this in their family?

7hgu

My DS is married to a hoarder. This isn’t just mess. Nothing is allowed to be thrown away. It’s a real, psychological problem. So difficult for him. Anyone else had this in their family?

Yes my Mum's partner managed to fill a 6 bedroom house, a double garage and workshop along with a summer house and a shed. My Mum wasn't a saint either. His obsession with recycling meant that he wouldn't throw away anything which might be recyclable even though there were was nowhere to do so in our area. I had to sell the house which meant he had to move to a small bungalow and I can tell you that he almost had a nervous breakdown over it. In the end, we got him to take the stuff he definitely wanted and disposed of the rest. He just couldn't do it.

some little office clerk how dismissive and condescending is that. A young woman just doing her job, probably as instructed by her employers, only to get a tongue lashing she will never forget. You sound like a right bully.

biglouis

I think of housework as a complete waste of my abilities. You clean something and it needs cleaning again in a few weeks. Thats why I have a cleaner.

People take my home as they find it and if they dont like it they need not come again.

A few years ago when I was renting I had some little office clerk from the agency come to do an "inspection". These are supposed to be to assess the need to any repairs or damage to the fabric of the building or overt signs that the lease is being broken. Such as evidence of sub letting/running a business/keeping disallowed pets, etc. She made some snippy comment about my kitchen being cluttered. I gave her a tongue lashing she will never forget and more or less threw her out. I also reported her to the manager of the agency as being "in need of further training".

No one ever did any more "inspections" after that.

Someone suggested the name of a cleaner to us as we might need one soon (not as fit as we were).
She said "You can be doing something much more worthwhile and interesting while she's doing your cleaning for you".
I was taken aback because to me, people who clean are doing a really worthwhile job. I'm not so keen on doing it and it's becoming a struggle but I admire anyone who does the job well.

Anyone who looks down on people doing a job like that, says it's below them and thinks they are superior to them needs to think again.

but that isn't what she said, is it?
doesn't strike me like that.

welbeck

but that isn't what she said, is it?
doesn't strike me like that.

You weren't there

Callistemon, I don't look down on cleaners (I'd love one but money is tight) but I can think of more worthwhile things to do.

As children ( 4 of us) we were expected to keep our rooms clean and tidy. We also had to put away toys when we had finished playing. My Mum was quite strict. As an adult I've always been untidy and my DH still moans at me (now aged 76) and he will often tidy up after me.

I would love to have a cleaner as I loathe housework, but feel I would be insulting someone if I paid them to do a menial job which I can (ok, sometimes with some pain and difficulty) do myself. It would be different if I were not physically able to do it. I would just feel so uncomfortable even though I know many people depend on cleaning work for their daily bread - and when I was a very hard up single parent I considered early morning office cleaning.

if they are happy don't get involved, they would ask for help if they wanted it, I have a similar situation,I just stay out of the kitchen and talk to my little great grand child, what I don't see is ok, and they have mum's and friends and health nurses if there is a problem, as they get older things change